Be Excellent To Each Other

Page 114 INT. HOLD - APC 114
Malia… leans forward suddenly, studying the graphic readout of the STATION GROUND
PLAN and, on top of that, a MAP OF FRANCE.

MALIA
Has anyone ever been to Corsica?

ZARDOZ
I'd imagine so.

GODDESS JASMINE
Guess What?

THROUGHSILVER
WILLLMAAAAA

PUNDY
Gru has come round to drop off your very own Minions?

THE VISION
You’ve locked Joans (Who is a man, by the way) out?

Joddess Jasmine getting irate.

GODDESS JASMINE
NO. What do those Smart-phone-rifles fire?

CRAS
Fucking one-click POTW noms Why?

THE VISION, CURIO, THE FIREFAERIE & GRIM… repeating in unison
Fucking one-click POTW noms

GODDESS JASMINE Well, look where your team is, they're right under the
primary heat exchangers.

CRAS
So? I’m a little ginger love bunny.

GODDESS JASMINE
So, if they press their fat chubby hands over the POTW buttons in there, won't they rupture the cooling system?

MR KISSYFUR
Ho, ho, ho. Yeah. She's absolutely right.
Although I think love bunny is overstating your potency, personally. Little ginger love shrew, maybe, at most.

CRAS
So? So what?

MR KISSYFUR
Look, this whole station is basically a big fusion reactor. Right?
We're talking about a thermonuclear explosion and adios muchachos.
Hey, look, it's a yay for Craster's love shrew, as it appears to be the first time anyone's paid it any attention.

CRAS
Oh...ah, great. Wonderful. Shhhit!
(into headset)
Look...uh…Dimrill...look, we can't have any firing in there.
I, uh, want you to collect magazines from everybody.

Dimrill collects everyone’s Amiga Powers.

Page 115 INT. ALIEN STRUCTURE

The Beexers look at each other in dismay. They all start arguing against the command.

CURIO
Is he fucking crazy?

GAZCHAP
What the hell are we supposed to use, man?Impressive minigun gibbage?

MR KISSYFUR
(voice over, filtered)
Flame-units only. I want rifles slung.

APOD
Sir, I…?

MR KISSYFUR
(voice over, filtered)
No. I hve netirelynot signposted that all evening with my increasingly strident postings.I mean, what! I'm totes sober. urine off.

APOD
Has he been drinking?

MR KISSYFUR
Suddenly lucid.
You also enjoy Xfactor, so your opinion on, well, pretty much anything is worth precisely zip. You're the guy they call when they want to find out what the lowest common denominator thinks.

APOD
Awright, sweethearts, you heard the man. Turn off that TV and hand in your magazines. Come on. Let's have 'em. Come on, CURIO. Clear and lock that cassette deck pumping out Robbie’s Rude Box.

CURIO
Damn! Robbie is the lowest common denominator in the history of the world. He makes Big Brother look like the South Bank Show

APOD walks among the Beexers, collecting the magazines from each one. ("hang on, didn't Dimrill do this earlier" - Sub Ed)

APOD
(voice over)
You too, give it up Runcle. Come on. Let's go.
Kern, I want it now. Give it up.

EVERYONE
That’s what your mum said.

When APOD moves on, Curio pulls out two spare magazines from concealment: Razzle and AP0. She gives the AP0 to Dimrill.

DIMRILL
Right on, Vas. I mean, Curio.

APOD
Let's go, Marine. Give it up. Chinny, you got the duty. Open that bag.

APOD puts all the Amstrad magazine’s in Chinny’s rucksack and hands it back to him to carry.

CHINNY
Thanks a lot, Sarge.

APOD
MARKG! Cover our ass. Head 'em out people!

MARKG reaches over his shoulder and slides out an old-style PUMP-ACTION TWELVE GAUGE HAT. It has a picture of Mickey Mouse on it. Silent Elk looks over at it.

MARKG
I like to...

MARKG tips the hat at a jaunty angle.

MARKG
...wear this indoors.

SILENT ELK
What happens when a funeral car goes past?

Page 116 INT. LARGE CHAMBER 116

The air is thick. Lights flare.

MR KISSYFUR
(voice over, filtered)
Any movement?

MALIA watches his tracker, scanning.

MALIA
Nothing. Zip.

APOD stops, his expression changing as he gazes up a wall.

MALIA
Holy shit.

They face a wall of living horror. The colonists have been brought here and entombed alive. COCOONS protrude from the niches and interstices of the structure. The cocoon material is the same translucent epoxy. The bodies are frozen in twisted positions. Rib cages burst outward, exploded from within. Paralyzed, then brought here as hosts for the embryos which grew within them.

A dog walks past.

APOD
What is it?

MALIA
It's a thing that has got four legs and goes "woof!" that isn't an oil platform.

-----------------------------

And that’s your lot for this week folks! Will there be more next week? Will someone remember to take me off BeeX WeeX? Who knows! Tune in next time.

Thanks to everyone who NOMMED. There were loads of you and there’s not enough time in the day to try and pathetically crowbar them somehow into the Aliens script.

BYE!

Fabulous work.

Superb!

Yeah, that's pretty excellent!

And I got a nom!

Om nom nom nom.

Just enough Kissyfur.

Well done, sir.

Fucking A, man.

Heh.

Nice work!

The jokes about taming Craster's shrew led me to read the play, and I have a new favourite insult: crack-hemp (a rogue who deserves to be hanged, causing the rope to strain)

Isn't that just a Shakespearean way of calling someone fat?

Brilliant...

I call Cras a little ginger love bunny and no nom.... I am wasted here

Bit early to be drinking, no?

I was being made redundant, everyone thought I was drinking water