Be Excellent To Each Other

I so want to believe this is genuine because that would be amazing. Which pretty much guarantees that it's a hoax doesn't it?

I am! Dinner with my folks at one of the best restaurants in Glasgow for my mum's birthday then packed them off to their posh hotel and came to the local pub for comics and beer (and you clowns).

I'm sitting around wallowing in my newfound loneliness. Pretty sure she doesn't even have a signal where she is because she's hasn't texted me since landing in Johannesburg this morning.

No. Unless Peter Sutcliffe had been released.

Aim: Test the tolerance of your digestive system when suffering with a upset stomach.

Method: Eat a lamb puri, chicken rogan Josh, pilau rice and flush down gullet with Cains best bitter.

Results: Raw data is still being frequently released from my anus. Could possibly be splitting the shit atom here.

Conclusion: I'll have a simple lunch before eating the leftovers at teatime, as I'd hate to be sharting Higgs Bosons out at the kids party this afternoon.

Is it possible to get depth data from an ultrasound machine?

Yes.

Can I have £5,000? I have an idea.

Monkeyforestmonkeyforestmonkeyforest!

You could attach a 3D printer to an ultrasound machine and 3D print bits of your insides. It'd be awesome.

EDIT: Eg, on valentines day "I give you my heart" etc.

It's okay, she's just having sex with interesting foreign men.

Now man the fuck up and stop wallowing you numpty. You will miss these days of freedom one day, trust me!

It's alright, my good buddy is coming down tonight and we're going on the lash in York.

Trust him.

And buy a new TV.

Bah, you should have come with us!

And when she comes back, have sex on the stairs.

My brother in law's fiancée has just gone away for a three month holiday, while he stays at home and works. She did this two years ago, too. Always struck me as a little bit weird. Two weeks, fair enough, but three months?

Like a proper holiday as well? Mrs Bulge is there for work experience/CV pimping, mainly. As well as the amazing experience part of it, but it ain't a holiday! So yeah, that is very odd.

You're married?

No way! Miss Bulge, then? That still wouldn't make sense though. Er, "our lass".

!!

To celebrate Bastille day I've bought David Millar's autobiography, and we went for lunch where I had a lamb kebab.

I am sure that it will be her intention to stay faithful. Even as the adrenaline surges through her, and giggling dementedly, she binge drinks and knocks back shots. She'll be telling her friends how special you are as they accept a drink from the 'good looking fella' at the bar. As she staggers on to the dance floor and feels Kevin the builder's engorged manhood jabbing into her bottom, throughout the Lionel Richie medley, she will be thinking 'It can't hurt, it's only flirting. What he doesn't know can't hurt him'. Outside the bar, barely able to stand, she will be explaining, in that slightly pompous way, that she has a boyfriend and that Kev is being very naughty putting his hands up her top like that. Then she will feel his breath against her neck, the warm night air will force the alcohol to surge through her body and the next thing she remembers will be the slow rhythmic slap of Kevin's pelvis against her arse and the faint sensation of humiliation and pleasure as he drunkenly slaps her behind slurring 'yeah c**t. Ah, yeah, you bitch'. Desperate to please she will allow him to place his blunt sadness in her mouth, explore the darkness of her skull, and accept his desiccated DNA against the back of her parched and gagging throat. As he wipes his penis on the cheap linen of his cheap bed in his institutionalized holiday box in the sun above the Adelphos Fish and Chip Palace, and lurches to the bathroom with the words 'I need a p*ss', she will feel the sobering effects of shame and the promise she made to the man who trusted her.

On the plus side, you'll have a new TV.

Fantastic. But she's in South Africa at a wildlife reserve, not Benidorm.

You need to get yourself an agent! After 50 Shades of Gray, publishers will lap that stuff up!

Simply swap Kevin for Desmond Tutu.

I can't take credit for it, I am afraid. (I thought it a fairly common thing actually).

I'm not sure what it is about the ASDA car park, but it sure brings out the road rage in the over fifties towards me.

We went to a 'welcome to the world' pirate-themed party today. Sainsburhys had The Kraken rum on offer. Destiny

Delicious d
Stuff.

Shutfacrf

That's gonna hurt in the morning...

It's exceedingly rare for me to read a whole book in one day, but I'd wholeheartedly recommend David Millar's "Racing through the Dark".

It's also a bitch I can't get a steroid nasal spray over the counter, and doctor is unwilling to prescribe it to me. I'm meant to be doing big off road stuff tomorrow and one nostril is almost blocked.

Could someone spoiler alert the quantum thread please? Some of us haven't played portal 2 yet.

There are no Portal 2 spoilers in that thread. Also: what the hell are you talking about?

My name isn't Kevin :/

not great in the afternoon either.

My left ear is mostly blocked, the right is okay. Doctor says I can have it syringed in a few weeks if it doesn't clear itself. Bleh.

Pour olive oil in it.

Then white wine vinegar in the other side, and vigorously shake your head about.

That's what I've been doing. I still have the leftover dropper bottle from the last time this happened, which I think (combined with my upcoming flight) that he's relented and agreed to get me syringed. He says the medical profession keeps changing its mind about how they deal with ears... before they'd use drops, then they would syringe all the time, now they're back to drops as they've decided syringing should only be done if other attempts fail.

The Otex drops haven't done much good, after letting them crackle away for a while and then using the water bulb they come with, not much happens.

My dad tells me I always had waxy ears, even from a young age. I also used to suffer a lot from infections and had operations to install grommets to allow drainage as it was impacting my hearing and also speech development.

.. and you kept saying "eh" all the time too. Never forget that.

I used to love using Otex, I had regular wax troubles and it was far more pleasant than syringing.

Mine was totally blocked and he gave me a prescription for a spray. I had used drops for ages but it had not worked, whatever was in the spray cleared it in two sprays.

I used to love having my ears syringed as a kid. I'd always argue there was nothing wrong, we'd go to the docs and a load of crud would come out my ears, and I'd suddenly be able to hear birdsong. In Africa.

Yeah, that was a good part, but you get that with Otex too when a key part of the blockage fizzes its way out. Similar to "I don't need new glasses, I can see fine with these" until you have your eye test and get a new pair with a slightly tinkered prescription and go "whoa, I forgot things have edges".

No, balsamic. And get some good bread.

I fear I may be beyond the help of Otex. Having let it fizz interminably for the last few days and then tried my syringing bulb thing I didn't really get much of a result.

As for eyes, well, I had them checked about six months ago and was told I was fine, well within the 'driving standard'. I couldn't help but think of the time I tried on someone's glasses (DocG and the Egg will know who I'm referring to) and they were so powerful that I could suddenly read the fine print on a menu on the other side of the Wetherspoon's.

Huh, eyes. You'll miss them after a syrup maddened hillbilly gouges them out with his icicled up matted beard. Frost heeb.