Be Excellent To Each Other

I was just so angry with her. We've been together 4 and a half years and I still, even now, don't really understand why we've broken up. I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them, want to marry them and spend your life with them, and two days later are telling them that 'it just doesn't work with us' and that you're not interested in trying to make it work and all that.

Gah. I've never done anything spiteful and nasty like that. Just wish I could go back in time and stop myself. Even though we're obviously over, there was no need for me to do anything like that.

This is getting really quite bad now, Zio. Leave the girl to it, walk and stay 'walked'.

*Agrees with Cavey*

Don't be the psycho ex, dude.

I agree with the beex hive mind.. It is time to move on.

Delete her number etc..

I also agree with the hive mind, don't worry chaps.

We're talking about 15 minutes of psycho-ness there: I'd be very happy to make that my lifetime's quota of psycho fulfilled.

Manly hugs for Zio. Sorry to hear that mate. At least the punishing saga is at an end.

Cheers dude.

In attempting to contact people to get her phone numbers back, she contacted a mutual friend of ours. He then contacted me last night to find out what on Earth had been going on. Went out for a beer with him in the end, explained everything and he told me he'll go back to her in a few days, check she's OK and make sure she knows that I'm extremely remorseful and am not going to do anything else like that ever again. Or indeed attempt to contact her. He's just going to try and smooth it over a bit. He told me she already seems to have written it off as me being momentarily very nasty due to her upsetting me.

So that kinda makes me feel a little better because even if I never see her again, I'd hate her to think I'm going to psycho-stalk her. The boyfriend before me launched a 7-month long hate-filled campaign against her, so it's been bothering me she might think I'd do the same - which I never would. Like I said, all that nastiness I did was done over 15 minutes, by which time I'd calmed down a lot and very rapidly started to regret it all.

I'm trying to look at this now as final convincing proof that it really is time to move on and get on with my life now. I feel really, genuinely ashamed of myself.

He wants to knob her.

Yeah, probably. She'd never go for him though.

I'd hope.

Sounds like the best solution in the circumstances. Hang in there, man. At least you know you've got a conscience in the shame-feel, and thus aren't a psycho-ex.

But if in a few years time an ex-boyfriend of hers proposes forming a league of evil-exes, just say no, 'kay? We don't want coins all over the floor, now.

You know, she really wasn't too bothered by that film when we went to see it. I should've seen the signs then.

My sister-in-law called yesterday. It seemed she'd had an alert on her PC to say she had 15 viruses and all she had to do to remove them was click the [Remove now] button, but that just took her to a screen requesting $49.99 for software to do the deed. Oh, and now she couldn't access the internet.

After I reminded her of how many times I've told her to keep her virus scanner up to date and not to click on any pop-up warnings and WHY she shouldn't click on them, I went to her place so see what kind of mess she'd got herself into.

Deary dear. Her MS Live One Care pack had expired and she hadn't done anything about it, her firewall was disabled and she had no virus or spyware protection. Every couple of minutes a warning message would pop-up with a nasty noise and sometimes a serious voice would announce the warning as well.

I checked her Explorer settings and found that luckily the only reason she couldn't access the net was because her proxy settings had been changed. Once I reset that I was able to download MS Security Essentials and ran a quick scan which showed she had the FakeVimes trojan. MSE said it had removed it, but it kept coming back and changing her proxy settings. After a couple of hours of trying the simple fixes I decided to give up for the day and come back refreshed this morning.

Not sure why I did it now, but before I left I ran a Speedtest which gave the following result.


That's quite a download speed from Virgin, eh?

After a lot of farting around, scanning in Safe Mode, etc. after which I couldn't even run MS Security Essentials, presumably because the virus had interfered with it in some way I had to do a restore from a few days ago.

Luckily that worked and I've been able to install Security Essentials again and all appears to be well. FakeVimes was very slick and kept stopping me doing all sorts of things without completely trashing everything, and I can understand why yer average punter would be happy to part with just under 50 bucks to be rid of the thing. If only the fuckers would apply that much expertise to legitimate apps I'm sure they'd be just as rich.

I've found MalwareBytes to be quite useful when it comes to removing things like that.

Noted. Cheers..

My son's old laptop had that, was running on xp and I had to do a full re-install to get rid of the fucking thing.

Zio, while I don't agree with your behaviour, I'm almost glad it happened, because I think that anyone that can have such an affect on you to turn you around so severely from the person you really are and in such a negative way clearly needs avoiding. I second the 'glad you are out of it' brigade, I think you are a top chap and you and Zioette are both worthy of stability and respect. I hope you find that some day when things have calmed down for you.

Congratulations on the new job too - top stuff.

Thanks GJ.

Unbelievably, I only went to see her on Saturday because I was expecting the contract for my new job to arrive and, as they want me to start as soon as possible, they wanted me to read it, sign it, get it back to them and quit the current place as soon as I could on Monday morning.

Turns out they didn't actually send the bloody thing in the end and I picked it up from them on Monday night. If someone had called me and told me it hadn't been posted on Friday, I'd have never gone round there looking for it and none of this would've happened.

Of course, I didn't find this out till Monday afternoon, by which point I'd gone to the flat in my lunch break to check for post and leave my keys behind to find she'd changed the locks. I posted the keys through the letterbox and left a message apologising for everything and asking her to call me solely about my post. She did actually call me back and spent half an hour making various threats and being generally incredibly nasty. And I'm not saying I didn't deserve that, but it did make me realise: why do I put up with this?

Everyone who knows me in real life knows I don't do things like I did on Saturday. I'm not in any way suggesting my actions were right or justified, they absolutely were not and I'm utterly ashamed of them, but it has all shown me that it's time to walk away from this one now. Obviously there's some dark corner of my mind hoping she'll call and we can sort it out, but mostly I actually feel relieved that I can now just walk away from this and get on with my life. My life has been pretty much non-stop drama since I met her 5 years ago, and I think I'm now just glad it's over and I can try and live a normal life again.

Just hope I can keep feeling like this!

So yeah: I'm ashamed of what happened and I wish I hadn't reacted in such an extreme way, but at the same time I'm almost glad it did. If it hadn't, I'd still be here now pining after her. Instead, I'm now looking forward to moving on.

Re: virii

Avg boot disc for severe cases

Nice one Zio. Threshold crossed

Get out.

Brummie for very.

<pet hate>
It's also the incorrect plural form of 'virus'.

I have three nays.

1. I feel crap, I've been tired all week (but so have most people it seems) only I've been getting steadily more achey as the week has gone on too, even my elbows ache, I didn't know that was possible. Just had a hot bath and it's done nothing, time to break open the wine.

2. You all know that Darryl has gone in the army and is doing his basic training at the moment, well the court have arranged the final hearing date over Chloe was supposed to be the Wednesday before he left. It was cancelled because there was a problem with Lisa's legal aid. They came back (after Darryl had left) with a date of 2nd March, Darryl isn't allowed off barracks until 12th March, no exceptions. The court have refused to extend the date so his solicitor is attending on her own (well I'm going, but y'know). I just think it's really shit considering this has been going on since Jan 2010 and they have been happy to defer it for her. This is Darryl taking her to court and paying for the privalidge and they wont take his circumstances into account.

3. I was supposed to have Chloe today, I went to pick her up (assuming she was even in as there was no answer from Lisa's phone) only to find that she was ill and Lisa was more than happy for me to take her(she was quite annoyed when Chloe wanted to stay with Mummy... . She's running a temp and is lethargic. The living room was over heated and she was wearing too many layers of clothes, I got Lisa to strip her and as I was coming away she covered her up with a blanket.

Moans over.

Aw sounds like a really crap series of events

I can't believe they can't reconvene that court date, that is beyond crappy. I hope you and Chloe start feeling better soon, crack open a bottle of wine and stick on a good Disney film

She's just back from the emergency doctors diagnosed with a viral infection.

Sorry... a bit more emo bollocks from me here.

I went out on Saturday night and am still feeling a touch hungover, so that may explain some of this.

Well, I saw my ex at the weekend. Ostensibly, this was to swap the last remaining items we had of each others over (fans of telling me that I just should've posted it - turns out I'd left a lot more in the flat than I'd realised). I was quite up for a simple exchange and fuck off.

No, I was asked in and asked to sit down for a chat. I was reluctant, but she insisted. She told me she realised I was sorry over what happened the weekend before. She told me that she realised it had not been entirely unprovoked and was sorry for the things she said to me. She told me she didn't want things to end on such a sour note and that she didn't want us holding grudges. And then I left.

So this should be nice, right? I mean I am actually proper friends with the previous ex. Admittedly, a lot of this is born out of necessity, what with her being the mother of my child and that, but we do just genuinely get on with each other - to the extent that I sometimes find it hard to believe we ever were in a relationship and haven't always been just friends. This is totally different. I don't see that I ever could be friends with the most recent ex, simply because of how differently I feel about her.

I actually feel robbed all over again. Robbed of the woman I loved, robbed of the belief we'd spend our lives together and have a family someday, robbed of my home and now robbed of my closure over it all. It was easier thinking she hated me. There was no way back from that. But now she doesn't hate me, it's all apparently amicable and I'm every bit as confused and torn up about it as ever. It's all starting to make me feel a bit ill.

I genuinely don't know what to do with myself anymore, other than just 'nothing'. I knew I might be in for a tough year trying to sort out my debts and that, but this is all something else entirely. Right now, I feel genuinely, actually, totally fucked.

Firstly, as a big gayer, I think I can comment on the whole 'being friends with exes' thing. Since almost every lesbian in histroy for some inexplicable reason is friends with her exes. Even though we are all great friends now, it wasn't immediate. You don't come out of a relationship with someone and switch to friends straight away. You need a buffer period, of being mad at them, or hurt, or hating them, or never wanting to see them again. It doesn't matter if the feelings you harbour towards them during that period are daft, or unfair, or whatever. once you have started getting used to being single and have got routine back to your life and are able to think of the ex without really feeling much at all, then you are ready to be friends. To try and form a friendship with them before that is just madness and it will drive you mad in the meantime. I tried to be friends with one my exes before we were both ready for that and we ended up sleeping with each other basically every time we say each other so that really didn't help at all.
i think what you are doing right now is brilliant. Start hanging out with your mates more, play in a band, go to the pub, spend time with your daughter. Do all the things in your life you enjoy and catch up on other things. Just don't contact her or respond to contact from her until you can think of her without being filled with emotions or confliciting feelings.

And get a flat on your own.

Stop it, Z.

I really, really like you. You seem like a lovely guy, but this relationship is destructive for both of you.

Be angry. She's chucked you out of your flat. She has issues witht he attention you have to, must give to your beautiful, beautiful daughter, who is the most perfect thing in your life. And she smells of stinky stinky smoke. I know you keep saying you envisioned spending the rest of your lives together, but you wouldn't. It wouldn't happen. You would, at best, have spent about 30% of your lives together, the rest of the time you wouldn't be speaking to each other and you'd be chucked out on your bum until next time she gave the puppy dog eyes. Each time you break up it is worse than the time before. Each time more 'final'. Each time the 'last'. You have for this past year or more been spending less and less time 'together'. You can extend the cycle into ever declining misery or jump step aside now with some remaining energy and sense of self and independence.

And most of the above I mean in terms of both of you. I am sure she is not some overarching bitch monster at all, but as we all are more familiar with your thoughts and feelings it is hard not to sympathise more with you (apart from your frankly nasty bout of destroying her property, where you know you way overstepped that line). But stop just sweeping all of that under the carpet. It's Ok to say 'what's in the past is in the past' now and again, but this cycle is so frequent that it is never in the past, it is always approaching over the horizon and as such it is always in the present.

Honestly, I think being angry is something that you are not only entitled to but which is actually helpful right now.

I'm not saying never to be friends, but BEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Danger, Will Robinson! Get thee away from the source of thy problems for a bit, yes? I mean, a good while. Then see how things go.

I know I basically said this last time you asked for advice. As did a LOAD of other people, and you listened and dutifully nodded and agreed, but pulled by the dual magnetic force of heart and penis went back there, whilst the brain was idling in neutral. So, yeah, you'll probably ignore this too. But at least read what everyone has said, and maybe print it out, and refer to it in a couple of months and see where you are.

You're a lovely, lovely guy, Zio, but instances such as your mad angry smashy phone deleting rant the other week prove that this cycle is starting to make you less so. Do all the things Gilly says and get a real time out. And try not to get anyone pregnant in the meantime, eh?

What El Mimo said.

Mimi, is as always, a solid rock of righteous awesome.

Damn right.

Edited because I don't really know what I'm saying or what I want or anything really at the moment.

I do think I'm going to stop going on about it here though, with all due respect to everyone. I don't feel as though airing my dirty laundry in public is having the beneficial effect it used to.

Suffice to say at least, I need a break from all this as much as anyone.

She possibly said that stuff because you seemed non-confused and non-torn up. Who has an ego that is comfortable with splitting up with someone and them being ok with it? If it was easier with her hating you I'm sure you could find a way to make her hate you again... but you won't, will you? And that strength not to is the strength to cope, just like you've coped before when a relationship has ended. You've already got proof you can get through this difficult time.

Nonetheless, if how you feel is reliant on what she says and does, you're fucked whether you are in a relationship with her or not. And I'm willing to bet that's not what your feelings do rely upon, or not usually.

Indeed, what Mimi said.

If it's any consolation, having not seen what you looked like before, I expected you to look a lot more emo in your recent photo, based on your current stresses, yet you looked positively normal!

Chin up dude, you're going through a grieving process at the moment, it'll take time.

A nay? From Zio? Surely not!

Last week, I told my manager that I was going to resign. He told me the boss probably wouldn't be best pleased and would probably tell me to go straight away.

So I went to HR and asked them what the score was should this happen. They told me that my contract stipulated a 4-week notice period, so they'd have to pay me for four weeks regardless.

So I resigned. In my resignation letter, I wrote a small paragraph about being entirely happy to work my full notice period, but that the new place had asked me to start as soon as I could so I'd be grateful if I could leave a little earlier. The boss told me I could go on the 10th, having served just over two weeks notice.

So I told the new place I'd start on the 16th, which is a week earlier than I would've started had I worked my full notice and would've given me a few days to myself first.

Well, HR have now told me that because I asked to leave early in my resignation letter, they consider my contract ended on the 10th. So they're not going to pay me for four weeks after all. It is fair enough, I mean I'm not going to be here after that, but it's still a bit shit that I thought I'd be paid for the full four weeks to now finding I'm only going to get half of that.

I might call up the new place in a bit and offer to start a few days earlier.

/narrows eyes
Hang on while I talk to an HR pal.

Notice period is notice period, isn't it, regardless of what you say or write?

I've a funny feeling that because he offered to leave early & they accepted that it'll just be like changing the terms of the contract. It's still a mutually benificial agreement so should be fine.

HR pal says "He asked to leave early, they don't have to pay him. If he thinks they'll let him go early anyway, he can withdraw that offer, saying he can't afford it or something, and then they should pay him. But they might also ask him to work.".

Aye, it's not really a "Nay" is it?

Without wanting to be harsh, is there a reason they should continue to pay you, when you're left and are not working the notice period?

Well, only in the sense that I had been given the impression previously by HR that I would be paid for the whole notice period, so this came as a slight, irritating shock. I don't have an automatic expectation to be paid for work I'm not doing, I just can't really afford to be taking too much unpaid time off work and I wouldn't have given myself such a break period between jobs if I had realised that making that offer of leaving early in my resignation would have this result.

I guess I'll just have to ask the new place if I can start a couple of days earlier. Not really a massive problem.

True, sorry, losing out on the cash is a definite Nay. You win some, you lose some..

A minor 'nay'. Just come back from the dentist. Been highly advised to seek major orthodontic treatment, to fix my teeth and stop me biting through the roots of the two front ones. Immense cost aside, the idea of having braces for the first time since I was 13 is really not appealing at all.

That does indeed sound shite but also pretty essential I guess.

Eesh... that really doesn't sound much fun.

My work is shedding a heap of jobs.

Most jobs will probably go from people retiring and leaving, but the voluntary exit offer they've given us is a bit crap compared to the one they offered us a few years back. I should be okay, but it is pretty worrying. And I don't want to leave.

Annoyingly, I can't even blame the government for this shabbiness since it would have happened whichever bunch were in power.

That's unfortunate, Kern You can get those invisible braces these days though. That probably won't help with the expense, however...nay

I hope everything works out ok for you LR....

I absentmindedly pressed the tea machine button choice (53!) on the chocolate machine, and ended up with a walnut and date granola bar.