Be Excellent To Each Other

Hey all. I recieved a pm a while ago pointing something out to me. I won't mention what it was or where it was because as I have always maintained some things are just not worth it but it did get me thinking. It's very hard sometimes to try and get accross who you are and why you say and do the things you do, but I figured it was time to just put this out there because hey, not every one sees the world in the same way.

So yes, where was I? well, it has been brought to my attention that I have pissed some people off. TBH I didn't even notice or realise, mostly because I firstly don't aim to piss people off or upset them but also because the intention just isn't there.

Again, this may be hard for some or even most to understand but I will try and cover it.

Firstly as pretty much every one should know I suffer with Bipolar disorder. I won't sit here and describe what that entails or anything else because as the years have passed I have found that to be pretty much impossible. It is practically impossible to truly understand why some one acts the way they do and why they are how they are unless you carry their brain and have the ability to look through their eyes and see the world in the way they do. I know this first hand because I have met people who suffer with depression (chronic) and when they were bad I would sit and think "Jesus, that person is so god damned negative". I will call it ignorance because of course, I have not seen the world through their eyes. My depression is usually quite managable and thankfully my brain manages to stay positive and push to be happy. So yes, where was I? ah that was it, putting accross how I see the world.

I see the world as one thing. FUN. I strive to be happy really hard because I know what it feels like to be really fucking messed up. There are two sides of the coin with Bipolar disorder. Firstly of course there is the depression. Thankfully and apparently the electrical signals to my brain are right up there. The low swings with the electrical signals in my brain are rare, but they do come. I will be sitting here cracking up laughing and the next minute I will be crying my eyes out.

This happened to me two nights ago. I was watching the antiques roadshow and I saw an old lady with an antique. Her hair was gray and she was balding, and immediately the thought of mortality came into my head. As it did so I realised that my mother was not going to live forever and immediately got really upset because it wasn't fair. People like my mother should live forever. I started crying and before I realised what was happening had tears welling on my neck. Would that happen to you? I strongly doubt it. Of course the next day I was able to snap out of it and be positive and think about the years I can spend with Mum before it happens. I don't consider that normal. The problem of course it happens to me all the time and everywhere I go. I would sit at work and just burst into tears.

And then of course there is the opposite side to this. Some days I am so amped and so alert that I just go into overdrive. I become childish and sit here pissing myself laughing. To the point where I will laugh at pretty much anything. I get carried away and I know it pisses people off. However, I also know I can't stop. IT REALLY SUCKS to push away every one in your life. This is what people don't realise. They think I am ignorant and stupid and don't feel pain. Because of the effect this has on other people I am constantly taking pills and potions trying to stop it. The last ones I took (Depakote) gave me a liver infection and I was weeing custard. This was very painful and I ended up having to stop taking them. I had to have numerous blood tests and function tests and thank god after all of that I came out alive and well.Of course it was business as usual and here I was my normal self laughing and joking as best I could. Now I am taking Lamotrigine which can not only cause deadly rashes (so I am OCD checking myself in the mirror and constantly paranoid) but also makes me feel really ill. I really hate moaning and pointing things like this out, and usually I will just get on with things and go through life trying not to piss people off. I am also absolutely determined to be happy because I relish the times where I actually feel good and can function somewhat normally. But, with that comes an understanding that I can never really live a normal life and take on the responsibilties that it carries because I know that sooner or later my brain will fuck me over AGAIN. It's not nice living like that and as hard as I tried to do what normal people do in the end it caught up with me and my life fell to pieces.

Now look, I don't expect you to give a shit. Infact, what matters to me is that people don't EVER have to feel the way I do or as helpless and useless. It's that empathy that pretty much makes me up. All I want is to be happy (because that isn't a god given right to any one) and try and make other people happy. It really upsets me when people don't understand that and possibly miss what I am trying to achieve. I don't carry malice and I don't carry spite. I also understand that people take things that I say in the wrong way, and this is where the autism kicks in. I take most everything people say to me in the wrong context and if I ever try to be serious I just fuck it all up. And the worst part is of course I understand this completelty and KNOW how I am but I just can't change it. Which is, of course, extremely fucking frustrating and why I am in the mess I am in.

So in summation to this when some one asks - "How do you get through life when you're THIS mental? No, seriously" - with great fucking difficulty.

Oh BTW. I hate Russell Brand.

The reason is quite complicated but I'll do my best.

When I sat and watched him slag off Andrew Sachs over the phone I knew the cunt couldn't help himself. It was just flowing out.

And I know how that feels. It's impossible to stop. And I hate him because I've done shit like that all the time and have been hated for it.

They say that you can't stand people in life who remind you of yourself.

On the other hand, Russell Brand didn't have to log on to a website, spend half an hour typing and then hit "submit", so had somewhat fewer opportunities to turn back.

He wouldn't have done. I suppose I will understand that better than most. Sometimes there is no stopping because you are just not thinking. It's almost like cunt cruise control.

The worst part of course is waking up the next day and being reminded of it. This is why I have to fill out a diary every day.

*bangs head on desk*

Infact that reminds me of something.

Last week or the week before I was watching a show about people that had to be sectioned. This guy with Bipolar was released after being dosed to high heaven and the camera man said "when do you move in?" the guy looked at him really confused, paused and then said "what do you mean move in?"

It was then explained to him that he had left his wife and gone and rented a bungalow. And he had no recollection of it at all.

I do things like that on a lesser scale all the time. I will go on Ebay and buy loads of little knick knacks (stickers and things for a pound) and then when they start arriving in the post I will say "WTF?" and then log into Ebay and have a list.

And the same goes for here. In a way it's like a diary that makes me remember. But other than that I would just forget completely.

I haven't read all of your post, but I'd like to say this: It's a forum on the internet. Just don't be a cunt and be nice to people, it really isn't hard.

edit: I'm not saying that you have been a cunt, it's just general advice to all. It doesn't need a big thread every few months to assure people that you're not a cunt, though.

Yes it is. Especially when you have no way of controlling it.

Well how are we supposed to go about helping you with that? Should we just sit and take it or should you be doing something to prevent it? For example, only coming on here when you're not down.

Personally, I don't find you annoying or insulting. I think you're a fine forum member and someone I'm happy to chat to about all of the stuff we do talk about here. But what I do find annoying about you is the numerous threads and posts like this one we're talking in right now, drawing attention to yourself and trying to justify yourself. Just stop posting when you feel like you're going to upset people, and get on with it.

See the thing is I know I am a cunt. Not all of the time because thankfully there is the middle ground as we call it and at those times I can see what I have done and realise. I know full well the consequences of my actions as I have had to live by them and stand by them. As soon as that Russell Brand thing happened I watched it and thought "fuck me, what a cunt" - thing is I am sure he knows that aswell.

As an example.

We were at work once in a seminar about a new product. They had this greasy slimeball in and we were forced to watch the infomercial for it. Basically it was a packet of powdered vitamins. He was claiming that it could prevent HN51 (I think that was it, bird flu yes?) even though there were no recorded cases of it in the USA. The infomercial was plain scare tactics and at the end when he said "does any one have any questions" I stuck my hand up and said "yes. Firstly can you explain exactly what it does and how it prevents bird flu and secondly, how do you live with yourself knowing you are frightening people into buying this product?"

I was in the queue at the jobcenter the next morning. Now some could say that what I did was great. But the level of stupidity was just off the scale. I knew that all of the products we sold were absolute shit and I should have just shut my mouth and taken the paycheques. But of course I had a moment where I just couldn't control what I was saying and I paid the price for it.

As for preventing it? believe me when I say I am doing everything I can. I take a regiment of pills and go to the psychiatrist once a month. What I am saying is there isn't really much more I can do. I don't take these pills for myself as if I locked myself away I could live with it. I take them for others, starting with my family to make it easier on them. I am trying. Which tbh is about all I can do. Most people with mental problems just blame every one else and point the finger at every one else.

Honestly I am really sorry if what I do and say affects any one. I truly mean that. And that is what this thread was for.

Yes and he put out a half assed apology aswell. And he had about the same ammount of opportunities as I have. None. What causes it is the inability to stop and think. It's gone. Rationalisation is out of the window and it just spews out until you run out of breath.

The difference of course is that I have gotten to a point where instead of trying to shrug it off the day after I try and apologise and at least explain.

But that's not how life works, man. You can't have free rein to upset people all of the time because you've posted a disclaimer. Stop posting if you're going to upset people. Your opinion on any particular subject is very rarely going to be so pertinent and important that you can't sleep on it before you post it. And I don't mean that as an insult - it's a fact. We discuss video games and stuff.

Maybe it is time for me to leave tbh. I really wish I could change it and change myself but it's pretty much impossible. I suppose if that is what it takes to stop it then I should do that

I really hate being a burden on people and I know I am.

Shame really. You cunt*

*DISCLAIMER - DavPaz senses the end of the week and is getting 'lively' and hoping for some dhrama.

Man, now I've been put off custard by the thought of it being mass produced in such a manner.

Now listen, I'm torn between genuinely not wanting you to leave and calling you names for creating drama and attention seeking. I don't want you to stop posting entirely, but for the love of god stop doing stuff like this. I suggest instead of announcing you're leaving entirely, you take a couple of days off instead. The danger of flouncing permanently is you may not actually want to, but you'll be too stubborn to come back. Just take a break and have a think. We all want you here, I think everyone would just prefer it if, like anyone really, you'd hold back on that post for a day and have a good think about it if you think it might upset people. That's what everyone else does. If I think I might possibly cause some upset, I'll save the post as a .txt file and read it in the morning. More often than not it goes in the bin.

Do you re-read what you've written before you post, JC? Perhaps doing so would solve whatever issue you seem to be having, given most of your longer posts come across as a complete stream of consciousness. I have to admit, if I see a post of yours longer than a couple of paragraphs I've been conditioned to switch off and skip them, such is the way you never seem to get to any sort of point.

Edit: I typed out and backed away from this post about six times. I don't mean any offense in there.

Yep, I think it's pretty obvious that you just need to re-read what you've written and have a good think about it. If your mind isn't clear, wait until the next day and in the meantime talk in a less controversial thread about a different subject.

There's a danger of this thread turning into "pick JC apart", and I think what has been said above is pretty much exactly the problem and no amount of "additions" are going to do any more good, only insult the chap, so I'm off.

No it's fine. Usually when I post long posts that are serious they are quite coherrant. But of course, when you fuck up all the time people will just see it as more of the same. Clarity is something I rarely have. Maybe these pills are finally actually doing something? I don't know. It's days like these where I can actually sit down and try to make sense of things. I suppose this is why I am deemed as being mentally ill, because for the most part it just doesn't happen.

What causes it of course is when people take me to task. In most cases I will try to explain it but how do you? When your brain doesn't function normally how the hell do you explain it?

Honestly Malabar I am fully aware of how I come accross. I am fully aware of how I irritate people and piss them off. I wish at times I didn't have that ability because I have no intention of causing ill feelings. Infact, it was only recently when some one pointed out to me that Chinny had me on ignore that I stopped trying to have a conversation with him.

As for offending me? TBH that's pretty impossible. When you cause offence all the time you would be a complete cunt to take offense at what is said back.

When I was growing up I had this friend who was an alcoholic. He was drinking at 12 (vodka in his panda pop at school). He used to come to my house (usually around midnight) wake the entire street, smash things up and shout out offensive things until me and my brother could bundle him into a cab and pack him off home. He was still doing it two days before I left for America when he came to my house and threw all of my clothes in the wardrobe out of the window.

The fucked up part of course was that I kept opening the door for him. He never apologised to me for his actions nor my mother and brother who also had to put up with it. Yet at no point did I ever just pretend not to be there.

Wogan. If you want to pick me apart? that's fine. Seriously. But the problem is when that happens things will just get really confusing as I struggle sometimes to see what it is people are trying to say.

Perhaps you just need to hand the internet keys over to someone for safe keeping for a while John. Instead of, y'know, all this.

You see this is the hardest part of all of this. The fact that I have no intention of upsetting people or pissing them off. I then have to come to terms with the fact that I do so. Which of course is terribly upsetting. At which point I will try and explain and usually fuck it all up pissing people off more.

What I am trying to put accross here is even though I piss people off and even though people hate me that is not what I want. I don't get off on it like some sort of rush.

The intention just isn't there. I also know that whether I like it or not I am going to piss people off and then I am going to be really upset about it. That is the part of me that is a decent human being.

I have had big problems with that in the past. People have come looking for me showing the anger that they thought I was showing. I just don't work like that. As much as my actions piss people off (and I know they do, thankfully my brain functions enough to realise that) there is no intention there. I don't type up a post and think "YEAH ! now I am going to stick my thumb up his ass and REALLY piss him orf".

The last time I fucked up royally was when I mentioned Doc's long distance relationship. And I know that what I said was taken the wrong way because I had put it accross the wrong way. Basically I felt that Doc was picking me apart and taking what I said and done the wrong way. Obviously this was due to the way I am. At which point I said something about people seeing him on only the long distance relationship thing and pointing out how much that sucks. When you judge people.

But then I spend my entire life being judged and that's my fault. At which point I then try to explain why it happens and I just fuck things up even more.

I definitely don't want to pick you apart. What I'm saying is, we've recognised the problem - you have to think before you post - so whilst this thread remains open, it's just an opportunity for people to list what they dislike about you, or pick you apart. This is unnecessary, because we know what the problem is.

That would be the coward way out. Not explaining things and not apologising is what pussies do. They piss people off and then fuck off leaving them angry. I can't do that.

Is it Dimrill?

Or:

Don't post stupid things in the first place, and don't then post mile long attention seeking explanations that you know no-one is going to read. And the latter's far more annoying than pissing people off in the first place, you know. I for one could not care less about the former just as long as the latter stopped, and I'm sure other people on here know what you're like well enough to not care that much about the former either.

Dimrill's ace!

Yes I understand that totally. But at points I cannot think before I post because that option simply isn't there. Which of course is another reason for this thread. I want to acknowledge that because, you know, it's what happens. For me to ignore it and run away from it pretending it doesn't is what undiagnosed people do. It's everyone elses fault and it's everyone elses problem.

The fact that I stopped one day when I was 26 and took myself to see a psychiatrist knowing the impact that would have on my life (you know? saying "I'm mental") was the first step. I can not tell you how many people I have met who are in serious need of help yet just push the self destruct button even more. One guy I know who has BPD has stopped going to the psych and is medicating himself with Jack Daniels. And of course, his life is falling apart but he is doing nothing to stop it. He isn't taking account of his actions and to the contrary posts 'rants' on Youtube saying how it's everyone elses fault.

I'm not using this thread to excuse my actions or create some kind of disclaimer. I am simply explaining how things are. Like, really are. If I could stop and think, if I could stop myself from saying things, if I could stop before hitting the submit button I would be normal. I have spent years reading about Bipolar and I act in much the same way as any bipolar sufferer who is so ill that either pills don't work or they have to continue being a laboratory rabbit until they find some that do.

Over the recent months that is what has been happening. I have taken all kinds of pills and potions trying desperately to stop what is happening. If I didn't explain that? Then yeah, I would be the complete asshole some people think I am.

I don't see this as embarassing because it's how it is. This is who I am. If I point this out and people still get pissed off then at least I tried. It's when you don't try that you have a problem, because you simply cannot see or acknowledge the problem.

Despite all of you problems, JC, can I say that you are an excellent typist.

You almost managed to dislodge that bit of food there, DavPaz.

If I could do that I wouldn't be mentally ill. If I could go to work without breaking down all the time or being rude and getting the sack I would be able to hold a job down. If I could do that I could get married and be a great husband. If I could do that I could get a mortgage and lead a normal life.

But you see Chris, this is the thing. I can't do those things. My wife left me because I could not cope with responsibility and I was struggling to pay the bills. Of course there was more to it than that but she wanted me to look after her and her not to have to work whilst I brought home all kinds of fantastic things. And I couldn't do it. So she left me. Then I got in my car and instead of using my fucking brains and just cutting my losses and going home to England I loaded up my car and drove to Ohio 750 miles away to live with some one I had never even met before. He was simply an internet aquaintance. I got there and thankfully he was a decent human being and was the person in the photos.

Soon after my ex wife kicked me off of the medical plan and I had to stop taking my medication. Within a month I had a breakdown, got fired from my job and in a fit of mania crashed my car. How I even made it back here is a complete mystery.

Tell me, would you drive for 18 hours to go and live with some one you had never met? I thought about it afterwards in a moment of clarity and just could not fucking believe I did that. I don't regret it of course because Jamie was a top bloke and had two wonderful little girls. We had a great laugh and the memories will live with me forever. But when I sit and logically think (when I have that ability) I just can't fucking believe I did that. I could have driven all the way there and he could have given me a bogus address. By which time of course my flat mate would have realised what I had done and had me taken off the lease.

Everybody knows about your problems, though, JC. These threads are unnecessary - we've seen it every few months since you joined. There's really very little I can think of that we can actually do to help you. We know your story and we're sorry for your troubles, but we don't need a refresher course every couple of months. As has been said above, it's this sort of thing that actually annoys most people more than any of the "insulting" stuff you actually post elsewhere. Stop trying to justify yourself and explain yourself, just take the advice given in this thread - sleep on it if it's inflammatory, if not, post away. But for the love of Christ stop it with this stuff. It comes across as attention seeking. Maybe it's a cry for help, but we're not the people to help you even if we would like to. You need to be telling this stuff to your doctor.

This reads scarily like a warning.

When you get all talky talky I shut off because I already know it'll be about your condition, not that I don't care, just because I already know. It seems to come round in cycles, maybe due to your medication or the moon.

I like your over enthusiasm of computer trinkets and your general chirpyness. So more of that please. Don't feel you have to explain yourself.

Also. If I could do all of those things I wouldn't be here typing this would I? I would do what normal people do and not have to because it wouldn't even be ness.

I left school when I was 14. I simply couldn't take it any more. At high school I was in the top classes studying trig, tan, statistics and god knows what else. My school reports all say the same thing "he is a genius... When he shows up". What they didn't see of course was the other side. I would walk up to the school gates in the morning, burst into tears and hide until Mum went to work before going home.

Wogan. Apologies don't have to happen once.

Fucking, .

Of course it was. But my mind was going so fast that rationality was gone. And it wasn't just a matter of hours it went on for weeks. Honestly I can't believe I did that.. I really can't.


I don't even remember the drive there even though it lasted 17.5 hours. I do remember standing atop a mountain in WV and looking down (Apalachia) but other than that I have no recollection. I wish I'd have taken some photos now.

Jesus flaming christ

Case in point, JC - I have not read one sentence of your reply above because I could see it was a million paragraphs long.

The real reason why we got Norton this year.

You're honestly telling me that you have absolutely no inkling that something you're typing is going to potentially upset someone, and you physically can't prevent yourself from standing up and walking out of the room before pressing the submit button?

FTFY

You *know* no-one's reading it, yet you still post your life story every couple of weeks. That's not a case of posting something rude or insulting in the heat of the moment (which NO ONE MINDS THAT MUCH), so should be eminently preventable.

It's an obligation to me. Seriously, if people understand that if and when I piss them off what is happening then surely it will help?

It's not an excuse. It's not a disclaimer. It's reality. At points my mind goes so fast that I don't think because the ability is gone. And then when I come crashing back to earth I take responsibility for those actions. I could be a pussy and run away and pretend it didn't happen but that just drives more hate and anger into people.

Now this is in my head, man.

Well listen to this: WE DON'T WANT YOU TO FUCKING EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Just stop it.

You're like the annoying hostess. "No, I'm fine, I wouldn't like a drink." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "I'll make you one anyway."

What Wogan said.

(a) People don't care that much if you piss them off - it's the fucking internet for christ's sake. Therefore you don't need to explain yourself. Expecially when it results in (b).

(b) People do care a lot when you splurge out massive TMI posts about your life on a slow repeat.

Mods?

JC subforum?

Just putting it out there, is all.

It really doesn't. Maybe if you've just insulted somebody's mother or something, but most of the things you do are just silly social arse-ups, putting your foot in it and so forth. Nobody is that bothered, and even if they are, we all know who you are and what you're about so you're easily forgiven. Plus, this is THE INTERNET. IT'S A FORUM FOR FUCK'S SAKE. It's these ridiculous long-winded explanation posts that drive everybody nuts. How are you not getting this?

Yes but making excuses due to your mental health and giving your life history doesn't actually solve any problems, does it?

I'm not saying it's relevant but the options everyone else has if they've pissed someone off is to either apologise directly for whatever has been said, or basically drop it and not do it again.

But he can't just drop it because *goes on for 20 pages*

Thanks for saying that. In my reply then maybe people can understand a bit more. No, I don't have that ability. When I was 9 I ran into the road. I didn't look and I didn't think I just saw my brother on the other side and wanted to be there. I got hit by a car. It broke both legs my right arm and fractured my skull. I was hospitalised for 8 months in traction (shattered left themur) then had to undergo therapy (physio) and spent about 6 further months in a wheelchair. They say now that my mania was being triggered then due to the death of my father.

Two years later I was at summer project and the TA brought us a trampoline. "be careful with it it's been in storage for years and could be moth eaten". Fuck that, I was there. It ripped and I landed bolt upright on the ground below. Crushed vertibrae and torn ligaments in my diaphragm. For years afterward I could barely step down a curb without having the wind knocked out of me.

A year after I was given naprosyn suspension liquid (an early naprosyn) was able to walk without looking like hunchback. So what did I do? got a ninja scooter and went so mental on it I got a massive hernia in my groin. had it removed, a week later I was back on the fucking scooter. Hernia came back the size of a grapefruit and before I could have surgery it ruptured.

It just goes on. Front teeth smashed out, broken ankles from falling from trees and so on. I'm covered from head to foot in scars because I simply just don't think. Another classic. Years ago I had a stand up fan. I removed the guard and was fucking around... "hmm.. I wonder what would happen if I stuck my tongue in it".

Needless to say it hurt. A lot.