Be Excellent To Each Other

Littlejohn: OK, audience... fingers on detonators!

Hostile forces may be operating within 40 miles of Kabul, but there is encouraging news for those who believe that Afghanistan can be transformed into a fully functioning, pro-Western democracy.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? has finally arrived on Afghan television. It is one of the last countries on Earth to produce a local version of the phenomenally successful British quiz show.

More than 20,000 people have applied for the chance to win a top prize of one million afghani (about 40p). This column has just received an exclusive DVD of the pilot episode, presented by Chris Talibant.


Afghan Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, presented by Chris Talibant

Fastest finger first. Put the following invasions of Afghanistan in descending order by date:

The first British invasion; the second British invasion; the Soviet invasion; and, finally, the American-led invasion.

Time's up. The correct answer is: America in 2001; Russia in 1979; Britain in 1878 and, before that, in 1839.

Who could forget the slaughter of 16,000 British men, women and children during the retreat to Gadamak in 1841 and the deaths of 15,000 Soviet troops in the 1980s? Apart from George W. Bush and Tony Blair, that is.

Anyway, fastest finger on the buzzer was Mustapha Karzi, in 4.2 seconds, which is quite remarkable given than he's got two hooks where his hands used to be.

Let's play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

It says here, Mustapha, that your ambition is to hijack a plane, fly it to Britain and claim asylum.

That's right, Chris.

Good luck, mate. Let's see if we can help you win enough to buy your air ticket. Ready to play?

Yes, Chris.

This is for five hundred afghanis. What is the main crop of Afghanistan? Is it:

A) opium;

B) opium;

C) opium;

or D) opium

I'm not sure, Chris.

Take your time, Mustapha, remember you've got three lifelines. You can go 50/50, ask this lovely audience, or phone a friend.

I think I'll ask the audience, Chris.

OK audience, press your detonators - sorry, I mean keypads - now. Hmmm. One per cent say A) opium; two per cent say D) opium, and 97 per cent say 'Death to the Infidel running dogs of the Great Satan'. It's your call.

Well, Chris, 97 per cent is a large number. But I'm going to go with C) opium.

Final answer.

Final answer, Chris.

It's the right answer. Incidentally, what made you ignore the audience?

They'd have said 'Death to the Infidel Dogs of the Great Satan' whatever the question, Chris.

OK, let's play for one thousand afghani. Where are the headquarters of the Taliban? Are they in:

A) Kabul;

B) Kandahar;

C) Jalalabad;

or D) Tipton.

You're smiling, Mustapha. You know this, don't you?

Yes, Chris. It's Tipton.

Certain?

Absolutely, Chris, I met them at a quiz night at a jihadist training camp in Pakistan. They said if anyone asked, I was to say they were on a computer course or attending a wedding.

It's the right answer. OK, you're going for two thousand afghani. You've got two lifelines left. What is the correct way to kill an adulteress? Is it:

A) push a wall on top of her;

B) stone her to death;

C) behead the filthy slut; or

D) give her a thousand lashes.

(Audience: STONE HER! KILL HER! BEHEAD HER!)

Sorry, audience, you've had your turn. Mustapha, you can phone a friend or go 50/50.
They all look right to me, Chris. I suppose I'd better go 50/50.

Actually, mate, I wouldn't bother. They are all right. And you've just won two thousand afghani.

Allahu Akhbar!

But we don't want to give you that, Mustapha. The next question is for five thousand afghani. You don't have to play it, but have a look anyway.

Where is Osama bin Laden hiding? Is it:
A) Tora Bora;

B) Waziristan;

C) Helmand Province;

D) A council house in Tottenham.

Could be any of them, Chris. Can I phone a friend?
Who would you like to call?

I'd like to call Mullah Omar, spiritual leader of the Taliban.

What, that madman in North Wales?

No, Chris, you're thinking of the Mad Mullah of the Traffic Taliban.

My mistake. We're calling now. Hello, Mullah Omah, this is Chris Talibant, from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Hello.

I've got Mustapha Karzi here. He's on five thousand afghani, he's stuck and he needs your help.
Mullah, Mustapha here. Where is Osama bin Laden hiding?

If you answer that, you treacherous running dog of the Great Satan, it really will be your final answer.