Top 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

Some great gags, taken from here:

Quote:

1. Zoe Lyons – "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her." (11.65%)

2. Andrew Laurence – "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public." (10.10%)

3. Lloyd Langford – "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?' 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal." (9.90%)

4. Josie Long – "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three.' And she wonders why her marriage didn't work." (7.35%)

5. Tim Vine – "Velcro. What a rip-off." (6.10%)

6. Stephen Grant – "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?" (5.80%)

7. Edward Aczel – "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for." (5.60%)

8. Joan Rivers – "Grandchildren can be f**king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel." (3.75%)

9. Tom Stade – "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward." (3.55%)

10. Jeff Kreisler – "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?" (3.40%)

Dimrill · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 19:16

Ouch

Quote:

Josh Howie – "I saw Chris Rock in the street and approached him to tell him how much his work inspired me and changed the way I understood black culture. Turns out it wasn't him of course."

Runcle · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 19:18

ha yeah I liked that one, and this.

Quote:

Roy Walker – "I got into a taxi and I could tell the cabbie was dying to know who I was. I could feel his eyes burning into my chest through the rear-view mirror."
"Allright, give us a clue," he said.
"Catchphrase," I said.
"No," he said. "Where to, you prat?"'

Dimrill · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 19:19

I don't appear to be very PC

Quote:

Ivan Brackenbury – "A drama-group leader was checking in his group into the hotel in front of me, and you know what he said? "Is the porn channel disabled?" Unbelievable, some people."

Plissken · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 19:33

Ivan Brackenbury is awesome.

Derek The Halls · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 3742

My favourite is number 3. Number 9 is quite good too.

Runcle · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 20:13

the mroe gags bit on the site has better jokes than that top 10.

chinnyhill10 · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 15695

Plissken wrote:

Ivan Brackenbury is awesome.

Nice to see Tom/Ivan is hitting the big time. I've been aware of him for a couple of years and he posts on Media UK from time to time.

That said, The League Of Gentleman did the idea first. But still funny.

RuySan · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 3542

Quote:

Arthur Smith – "A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor says, 'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.' The man says, why? The doctor says, 'Well, I'm trying to examine you'."

and i agree on 3 and 9

Plissken · **Posted:** Fri Aug 22, 2008 23:59

Thats old though. As is the Tim Vine one.

Dudley · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 8679

My favourite Tim Vine one is "Exit signs.... they're on the way out".

Runcle · **Posted:** Sat Aug 23, 2008 0:10

I fucking hate tim vine, the most unfunniest fuck on the planet.

Zio · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6093

Runcle wrote:

I fucking hate tim vine, the most unfunniest fuck on the planet.

I find him perfectly acceptable in small doses. Very small doses.

Runcle · **Posted:** Sat Aug 23, 2008 0:39

Zio wrote:

Runcle wrote:

I fucking hate tim vine, the most unfunniest fuck on the planet.

I find him perfectly acceptable in small doses. Very small doses.

what each 3 seconds?

Zio · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6093

Pretty much.

Deano2099 · **Joined:** 12th Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 148

chinnyhill10 wrote:

Plissken wrote:

Ivan Brackenbury is awesome.

Nice to see Tom/Ivan is hitting the big time. I've been aware of him for a couple of years and he posts on Media UK from time to time.

He's a strange strange man...

Glad to see people like number 3, Lloyd Langford is awesome - used to be our regular student compere back at uni so have seen him a ridiculous number of times.

The best joke I heard all festival was Simon Munnery:

Quote:

So I was walking down the road and my friend turns to me and says:

"There's no god you know"

I said "What?"

"There's no god"

"What?"

"There's no god"

"There's no what?"

"God"

"What?"

"God"

"What?"

Which put him in an awkward position.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

... uh?

Grim... · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:00

Dimrill wrote:

I don't appear to be very PC

Quote:

Ivan Brackenbury – "A drama-group leader was checking in his group into the hotel in front of me, and you know what he said? "Is the porn channel disabled?" Unbelievable, some people."

I don't get that.

AceAceBaby · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:12

I think the joke is that you assume he's asking for specialist "disabled people porn"

The Rev Owen · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:28

sinister agent wrote:

... uh?

Plissken · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:29

I think it works better when said in an increasingly frustrated manner.

DBSnappa · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 10:02

Just goes to show that a lot of gags don't work on paper. Some of those are moderately funny, but how on earth Tim Vine got in there I don't know. He isn't funny - he's fucking irritating.

devilman · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 10:04

Grim... wrote:

Dimrill wrote:

I don't appear to be very PC

Quote:

Ivan Brackenbury – "A drama-group leader was checking in his group into the hotel in front of me, and you know what he said? "Is the porn channel disabled?" Unbelievable, some people."

I don't get that.

I'm glad it wasn't just me - I read that a few times and just didn't get it, but reading Ace's explanation it now seems obvious!

Deano2099 · **Joined:** 12th Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 148

Because then he has to explain what God is.

The Rev Owen · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 18:37

Deano2099 wrote:

Because then he has to explain what God is.

Nope, still nothing.

Shin · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 18:39

Number 6 is fairly amusing, in a done-to-death kind of way. None of those were really 'funny' funny though for me.

I know this is a little off-topic, but it still valid in a joke sense:

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV.
....and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign.

Oh and...only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an amblance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We may be British, but by fuck we're funny!

Now that makes me laugh

GazChap · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 18:43

Anyone want to place bets on whether Shin reads the Daily Mail?

Shin · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 18:45

I don't read any papers actually, I thought I'd post that as Andy text it me and wasted about 50p...I couldn't really let him waste it in vain

Grim... · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 22:05

Shin wrote:

Number 6 is fairly amusing, in a done-to-death kind of way. None of those were really 'funny' funny though for me.

I know this is a little off-topic, but it still valid in a joke sense:

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV.
....and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign.

Oh and...only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an amblance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We may be British, but by fuck we're funny!

Now that makes me laugh

That actually started as 'only in America', hence the bit about prescriptions being in the back of the shop.

Dudley · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 8679

Although in the big Tesco near my parents, that's precisely where they moved the pharmacy to last year.

GazChap · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 22:20

On the supermarket side, why the hell is frozen stuff always in the middle of the shop? It generally ends up being in the middle of most people's weekly shops, when surely it'd make more sense to put it near the end?

Shin · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 22:24

Is it not to do with temp? I can't remember now but I'm sure it's something to do with it...damnit, no wonder I was stuck on 'appliances' at Iceland

Dudley · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 8679

YOG · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 22:41

I usually hate it when people whinge about 'Scouse jokes' (as a Waltonian myself), but I actually felt a bit irked by that Mirza gag. Others usually have an element of reality or an established stereotype to them.

Curiosity · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 22:49

The Rev Owen wrote:

Deano2099 wrote:

Because then he has to explain what God is.

Nope, still nothing.

It'll work better when Munnery is saying it, as he's a funny fellow.

The joke being, of course, that the essence of having to explain what God is will reduce the first person's point about their not being a God to utter redundancy.

And stuff.

Plissken · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 23:09

Klatrymadon wrote:

I usually hate it when people whinge about 'Scouse jokes' (as a Waltonian myself), but I actually felt a bit irked by that Mirza gag. Others usually have an element of reality or an established stereotype to them.

Shazia Mirza - dealing in stereotypes? Really?

Hold on. My sarcasm button is stuck on.

YOG · **Posted:** Tue Aug 26, 2008 23:41

Sorry if I missed something - I'd never heard of her before reading this thread.

Deano2099 · **Joined:** 12th Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 148

Curiosity wrote:

The Rev Owen wrote:

Deano2099 wrote:

Because then he has to explain what God is.

Nope, still nothing.

It'll work better when Munnery is saying it, as he's a funny fellow.

The joke being, of course, that the essence of having to explain what God is will reduce the first person's point about their not being a God to utter redundancy.

And stuff.

I guess it loses it when written down. In reality it goes on for about a minute but didn't want to write it all out.

More Munnery:
http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/simon ... ignificant

Quote:

Imagined conversation between two trees in winter:

I see you’re deciduous

Yes.

Must be awful I imagine.

I wouldn’t say that

But don’t you feel a bit… naked in the winter? You know - fragile, vulnerable, below par? I mean you look…. How can I put this politely?… a bit…well… on the indistinguishable-from-dead side.

Oh no no on the contrary; I feel invincible, light as air, invisible to the wind, cleansed, ready, coiled like spring. Anyway; you should know - you’re deciduous as well, or didn’t you realise?

I am not

Yes you are dear.

If I’m deciduous then how do you account for these beautiful thick green leaves that cover me from root to twig in the middle of winter?

I’m so sorry dear; didn’t you know? Has no one told you?

Told me what?

You’ve got ivy.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Frozen stuff is on the far side at sainsbury's here, effectively at the far end from the entrance. The one in Canterbury was, too. I think morrisons did the same.

Plissken · **Posted:** Wed Aug 27, 2008 7:50

Klatrymadon wrote:

Sorry if I missed something - I'd never heard of her before reading this thread.

When I was open spotting, she was quite comfortably the worst pro standup I came across. But she is the only female Muslim standup around and fuck me if she doesn't play that card for all it is worth.

DBSnappa · **Posted:** Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:53

Shin wrote:

Is it not to do with temp? I can't remember now but I'm sure it's something to do with it...damnit, no wonder I was stuck on 'appliances' at Iceland

It's to do with making money.

Shin · **Posted:** Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:36

DBSnappa wrote:

Shin wrote:

Is it not to do with temp? I can't remember now but I'm sure it's something to do with it...damnit, no wonder I was stuck on 'appliances' at Iceland

It's to do with making money.

Hehe! I meant other than that, I had to do a test on this when I worked at Iceland (christ I've worked some places) Jack of all trades me

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Top 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe

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