flis wrote:
Bamba wrote:
Further emo nonsense: not-Mrs B is perfectly happy to remain friends so now I need to work out whether I can do that (hmmmmm) and, if not, make sure that I do cut contact rather than falling in to the obvious trap of waiting for her to be ready for something more while pretending I'm totally not doing that (as the issue genuinely is that she's not ready for a relationship rather than because things aren't actually quite good between us). I do so want to avoid the obvious fucking cliche trap here, while also not throwing a nice friendship under the bus if that level of drastic reaction isn't required. Fucksticks.
That sucks, and is a situation I don't envy. A couple of things I will say (that you should not take as anything other than my opinion, I'm just putting it out there for consideration even though you didn't ask and probably don't want it... But fuck it
): I believe she means that she isn't ready for a relationship but she'll probably only realise she is ready when the right person comes along. If you stay friends with her, and actively pursue friendship, you risk being around to watch her move on with someone else. If you take a step back, tell her you'd like her to keep in touch and to let you know if she's ever in your neck of the woods, you put the ball in her court. That way, if she realises she would like a relationship with you, she'll get in touch. If she doesn't, both of you avoid any awkwardness and you don't fall into the trap of wondering whether and when would be a good time to email her or otherwise get in touch when you don't have much to say and you just want to speak to her. I know a faint heart never won a fair maiden and all that but if you've been close, she will definitely get back in touch with you if she wants more.
Don't apologise for posting, I'm totally happy for input and God knows I've waffled enough at you unbidden about your situation.
On this specific occasion her 'I'm not ready for a relationship' can possibly be taken more at face value than usual. It comes down to the fact she had relatively serious mental health issues as fallout from her divorce (and other problems) a few years back and has only (relatively) recently got her life and mental health back to a place she's content with again. She was clear about that from the start and has apparently carefully put the message out within all her social groups that she's just not interested in a relationship as she's still enjoying being happy again and doesn't want to risk her own well being by getting into anything else. So I do genuinely believe that it's more a timing thing than about her not liking
me enough basically (though that could just be ego talking I realise). I think you're totally right though that there's a horrible risk of being around whenever she does move on and seeing it be with someone else. If only because there's a geographical distance here (Glasgow to Manchester) so if she ever does feel ready for something there's potential partners right in front of her while I'd be 'out of sight, out of mind' to a degree.
Anyway, I emailed her earlier to say that we certainly couldn't carry on a friendship at the level we had been because that was a recipe for me getting utterly hung up on her and that's no use to anyone. I suggested we drop it down to just 'Facebook friends' as that keep a bit of contact ticking over while giving me the distance I need right now. Neither of us post massively on Facebook so I'm not too worried about it being a vector for over-attachment and I've even muted her there for the moment while I get my head straight. I pointed out this leaves the door open a crack should we feel that we're back on an even keel at some point in the future and a more genuine friendship can be had. So if she does ever feel she's ready for something it's an easy way to feel things out with me and, similarly, if I feel I wouldn't be risking emotional fallout in the future by being more involved then it's a possibility. For the moment that seems like a reasonable compromise and I don't know there's much else I can do.