Be Excellent To Each Other

Following the vein of the stalker thread...Have any of you wonderful BETEOs ever had a strange, inexplicable, weird crush on someone?

As I recently confessed in The Batman thread, I find myself strangely attracted to The Joker, I also admitted this to my sister-in-law, who almost disowned me. Then she realised that I married her brother, so I'm probably not quite right in the head anyway.

This reminded me of school, when I fancied my English teacher, he was a strange, angry little Irishman. Not particularly attractive and a good 5" shorter than me (I am freakishly tall) but in every English lesson I had in my final year, I could not take my eyes off him. I'm sure I made him feel uncomfortable, he'd lose his place on the page when he noticed I was staring at him longingly over my copy of King Lear....It was definitely strange and the only explanation I have for it is hormones!

Eww

King Leer, surely?

Does Anthony Flack count?

I dunno, I think she's alright too.

80s Kim Cattrall, most definitely.

Inappropriate? Hmmmm.

Jill Dando. Shhhhhh. It was a few years ago, now. Ahem.


Also - The mum from 2.4 Children.

An English teacher at my school whose name escapes me - Christine something. Craster - help me out here.

Stockard Channing.

Honor Blackman.

Kate Nash.

Mariella Frostrup.

Apparently, Lucy Porter.

80s Harrison Ford.

Man, kill me now.

I think she would dissapoint, she looks like she would be the best rag ever, slutty yet mature shes bound to be average.

That awful man Jerry Sadowtiz: (spoilered because it's a foul, foul joke)

Tracey Emin and Monica Lewinsky

...possibly in some sort of saucy three way action.

An uninappropriate crush of mine of course is Zooey Deschanel. *Sigh*

ANYWAY.

I have crushes on long dead black and white obscure film actresses, does that count?

The strange and wild Pamela Brown...



And Modern Times era Paulette Goddard



And less curious but living...

Honeysuckle Weeks



That redhead from Coast to Coast.

But the most significant odd crushes -

Calvin's mum.



(She's purdy when she's angry.)

Marge Gunderson



Mel in Flight of the Conchords



Olivia Coleman



Don't become too famous Olivia! *Sigh* (I love that look too.)

And I tend to fancy villainesses in cheesy movies too, paging Dr Freud!

(And possibly Paul McGann Withnail & I...)

Man, kill me now.

not enough PICTURES!

hang on mel in flight of the conchords was her in peep show wasnt it, who was a bitter reminder of how beautiful heather graham was sorry is and still is, another win for twin peaks. oh whos the cherry stalk twister in twin peaks, shes the best thing ever.

x1000

And what a film!

Any kind of mildly attractive news reader, for me. (Cor, this thread turned from its original topic into "who wouldn't you kick out of bed?" pretty quickly, didn't it?)

I knew it.

No, Mel wasn't in Peep Show - I'm pretty certain anyway. To clarify I shall update pics.

Yes, cherry stalk twisting girl in Twin Peaks ain't unlikely, however, nor are some of mine I guess. Now if you were to say Nadine off Twin Peaks, that would be an inappropriate crush!

The ladies on the Jewelery stall next to me.

I fear sir, that this cannot be decided any way other than a duel for her affections. Sword or pistol shot, choose a place and your seconds, I shall be there. Unless it's tomorrow morning, as I will be hungover.

I can only assume you mean either Liz Spilsbury or Caroline Stanley?

You mean Belinda Lang, and yes I would too.

Also.

Kirsty Young.

Gillian Anderson.

*Family Fortunes wrong answer buzzer*

Everybody loves Gillian Anderson.

None of us are being even remotely odd enough. Quick, somebody go out on a limb and say Roseanne Barr.

It's pronounced "nnk"

I hear NNK-URRRNK!

Thoughts of Lady Miss Kier from Deelite made my teenage years bearable.

Isobel Lang, back when she was on the BBC. Wonderful green eyes and wavy red hair.


(That's the only wavy-haired piccy I can find, although she looks a bit understandably knackered there)

Then she sold her soul to Rupert Murdoch, moved to Sky News and started using hair-straighteners.

Oh, and Lindsey Davenport. Face like a bag of hammers, but strangely beautiful when she's moving on the tennis court.

Oh that's where she went? I liked her.

Although not as much as Laura Tobin who's on there now.

That would be the delicious Sherilyn Fenn. Before she appeared in Playboy, admittedly turned into a complete bitch/diva, and saw work drying up very quickly indeed, as with almost all of the cast of Twin Peaks. But of course, famously, not David Duchovny (though it's amusing that he was typecast not by X-Files but by Twin Peaks).

Erm. For me, it would be Babs Bunny, and erm, uh, the collectible figure of erm, Bib Fortuna that I had. I HAD NEVER SEEN THEM IN THE FILMS AT THIS POINT.

Spilsbury, that's it. I thought her first name was Christine, though? Of course, I'd just call her "miss".

Neither Christine, nor 'Miss'.

Mrs Elizabeth Spilsbury.

Regardless of a teacher's marital state, when you stick your hand up in class, you never, ever say "please Mrs", do you? No. It's "Please miss, Craster's weed himself again".

Well... a close friend's wife has seemingly gone from slightly meh when they first met to Grade-A hottie, which is something I'm vaguely troubled by.

My GCSE English teacher would be my first example of an inappropriate crush (especially since, in hindsight, I made it pathetically obvious to pretty much the entire school).

Also: girl at a party I met recently. I had just broken up with the last Mrs Zio, so due to mixed-feelings etc decided not to introduce myself at the time, as this was a friend's party, these friends have lots of parties and I'd inevitably see her again at another one when I was more in the mood to make an effort. Sadly it turns out no-one seems to know who the girl was, as she was brought along as another partygoer's +1, and the person she came with hardly ever goes to these things. What's worse is she appears in some of the photos taken that night, so I can't write off her attractiveness as a drink-induced rosey memory. Curses!

What, suddenly? Has she has surgery? Or gradually? Has she just lost weight and had a haircut and stopped wearing frumpy cardigans? Details, man.



If you post the pics on the internet, someone may be able to help you.

Talking of pics of ladies on the internet, it seems to me that given the seemingly infinite amount of pron in the world, this must mean a very significant percentage of women in the world have, at some stage, appeared in pron films or pictures. I'd guess that in any large office building, one woman (or, indeed, man, but that's less interesting) has been in a pron film.

How on earth do you get into it, I wonder? I mean, a friend wonders.

I really fancy a friend's girlfriend.

[EDIT: Hello there Mr Kyle. Good day to you]

The latter, in fact. It's amazing the transformation that can be had by losing a bit of weight, getting a nice haircut and shopping somewhere a bit more exclusive than Primark.

That sounded really bitchy didn't it? Seriously though, this dear friend of mine is a lucky, lucky chap. I don't know how the twunt does it!



That would be decidely ungentlemenly of me. Plus, whenever I point out a girl whom I think is particularly attractive to my chums, the usual response is just "Mmmm, yeah, I suppose they're alright", which has led to me thinking that I must have peculiar tastes in women or something. Still, my celebrity-crushes-of-choice would have to be Zooey Deschanel and Scottish actress lass Laura Fraser, as opposed to the more populist famous faces.

Fnarr!

From the old Louis Theroux doc, it appears that there are specialist casting agencies.

I wonder* what the audition entails? If it entails what I** think it entails, why aren't more people casting for pron rather than going to hookers?

*I mean, a friend wonders. Obv.

**By "I", I mean "my friend".

Not by what happened on the L T Doc.

Unless you, I mean your friend normally pays to whack off in front of a middle aged man while he takes piccies.

Ooh! Laura Fraser!

First saw her in Neverwhere whilst I was babysitting a little monster many moons ago. Laura's nice. Mmm.

Sally Phillips circa Alan Partridge and Fist of Fun - but before Smack the Pony (as it was awful - it sullied her).

And Lauren Laverne.

And Myquita Oliver.

Ahem. Lauren Laverne is not an inappropriate crush. Every person in their right mind fancies the knickers off her.

Very true. But I forgot all about her existance until I listened to her on the radio a few hours ago, and it all came flooding back.

Go and watch the Mint Royale video for that song she did with them. It's a great song, and she pwetty. "Don't Falter", that's it.

Can't blame the man at all.

NotW [NSFW] had an article about it yesterday.

But otherwise, women get paid more than men, and also, are expected to 'do' more stuff.

So, if you really wish to break into that market, Mr Chris, I suggest some kind of niche gay porn, probably involving unicorns and spiders.