Note: You are required to play the following audio while reading the introduction….
"I'm the best internet poster in Europe" - MaliA
"Every post I touch turns to Gold" - Zardoz
"There are two types of people on this forum. 4x4 drivers and….. I can't even say the word…." - Grim….
VO: Heading to BEEX, many of the internets best upcoming posters, keen to impress.
On offer, a coveted Post Of The Week awarded by the nations toughest internet poster.
For the losers, another week of ignominy languishing in the forum awaiting recognition.
Chinny [sitting at a MFI kitchen table]: I don't like bullshitters, I don't like slackers, I don't like Commodore 64's, I don't like Wagamamas and I don't like Craster.
Chinnyhill made his name flogging car aerials from the back of a van at the age of 3. By 7 he had conquered the world with his GX4000 games console making him a multi-millionaire.
VO: 7 tough days, 1 life changing opportunity……This is BEEX Apprentice…
----- Theme Ends -----
Day 7. So far this week, Craster, Mr Dave and Kalmar have been fired for gross insubordination to Lord Sur Chinny. On Wednesday, Team Turbo Esprit Challenge lead by MaliA successfully won the burger task by mincing stray pets whole and luring the rival team into a back of a Ford Transit and dumping them on Dartmoor.
Thursday saw a buying challenge where the apprentices had just 24 hours to buy goods abroad and get the maximum profit back in the UK. This was won by Mr Chris who successfully imported 3 ladyboys after his far eastern trip. He is now languishing in a jail in Singapore after the authorities discovered he lied when he promised to "love them long time".
Now the remaining Apprentices must impress a panel of judges in the interview round with their best posts of the week. Judging the quality of the following posts are are Margaret Mountford, The Chuckle Brothers, and move superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Zardoz enters the room where Arnie is sitting.
Zardoz: ZARDOZ SPEAKS HIS POST TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONE!
Arnie: Yöu zhere. Sit down or I vill kill yöu or have intercöurze with yöu. I have nöt decidëd.
Margaret: After the initial shock of your approach I found this post pleasing. I keep several cats and this gave me a good chuckle.
[cuts to Pundabaya entering a room where the Chuckle Brothers have suddenly decided to re-arrange the furniture]
Barry: To me Paul: To you Barry: To me Paul: To you. Pundabaya: Er excuse me but I'm here to have my nomination for post of the week assessed. Here it is:
Paul: Oh well, we're more interested in moving the furniture. But I can see good comic potential with this post. Snow is always good for comedy slapstick…. Barry: And knocking peoples hats off always gets a laugh. Top post!
[Meanwhile Grim… enters Arnie's room]
Arnie: I need your clöthës, your bööts and yöur Tömcats. Grim…: Really? Arnie: Nö, just pissing witz yöu. Hö hö hö.
[Chinny picks the handset of an em@iler up and summons the finalists]
Chinnyhill10: Davpaz, can you send them in please.
Grim…, Pundabaya, MargG, Zardoz and MaliA enter.
Chinny: OK you lot sit down. My experts have narrowed it down to you five. They've fed back what happened in the interviews and now its down to me to award the Post Of The Week.
[Chinny turns to Grim...]
Chinny: So, you run this so called forum do you? Grim…: Well I…….. Chinny: And you like 4 wheel drive cars? Grim:… Yes. Chinny: So didn't it occur to you to create a 4 wheel drive car forum instead? Grim…: That wasn't the point! Chinny: The point is sunshine that you missed an opportunity. You have to ask yourself what could have been!
[turns to Pundabaya]
Chinny: Your post. Pundabaya: Yes? Chinny: It nearly made me smile. And I don't like smiling. Hurts my beard.
[turns to MarkG]
Chinny: Cat gags? Is this a forum full of spinsters? MarkG: Well statistically the forum does prefer pussy. Chinny [strokes chin]: Done your market research eh? Good work.
[turns to face Zardoz]
Chinny: I have always been a fan of the movie Twins and Brian Blessed. You have desecrated both. What do you say to that? Zardoz: It took a lot of time. MaliA: But I set up the gag. I should get credit. Zardoz: Set up? You were outside wanking off horses until 3am! Chinny: GENTLEMAN PLEASE! Zardoz & MaliA: Sorry Lord Sur Chinny.
Chinny: However…. Personal taste aside , Zardoz I note you received THREE nominations for this post…. I must now decide……
[music starts]
Chinny: Grim… You talk the talk, but for my money you took your eye off the ball. A 4x4 forum would be a bigger success and for that reason, you're fired.
[Grim…. walks]
Chinny: MarkG, Margret tells me your cat gags were spot on. But I can't help wondering if there is any substance behind your post. Go on Youtube and its full of cats flushing bogs or dancing. Just tagging a cat onto a gag doesn't make it clever. And therefore it is with much regret that you too are fired.
[MarkG walks]
Pundabaya: Peoples hats falling off is a little bit, old hat, if I may say.
[contestants awkwardly chuckle in a forced manner]
Pundabaya: The Chuckle Brothers seem to like it. Chinny: I don't like hats and I don't like you. You're fired. Pundabaya: No! Not leaving! Chinny: Get out! Pundabaya: What if I don't? Chinny: Fine! Sit there! See if I care!
[awkward pause]
Chinny: That leaves you Zardoz and you MaliA. Both veterans of the forum and both frequent visitors to this boardroom. Zardoz, combining popular culture references with forum posters is always popular, but I ask myself is it a tired concept? MaliA did setup the gag to begin with.
[pause]
Chinny: You can't have the chicken without the egg. And Zardoz you are the chicken…..
[another pause]
ZOMG Spoiler! Click here to view!
Chinny: MaliA I like your post but I'm afraid Zardoz took your gag and expanded it. Zardoz, You're hired! You are awarded post of the week.
[cuts to Zardoz leaving the boardroom and entering a Rolls Royes with the registration CHIN 1]
Zardoz: I knew I was a contender. The others were weak and my talent shone through. That's why I have won post of the week. That and I know how to use Photoshop.
[Zardoz picks up a book from his lap and starts to read. It is the Wizard Of Oz. He laughs manically. The camera cuts to a closeup of the book]
Attachment:
zardoz.jpg
[Laughter gets louder. A booming voice is then heard]
ZARDOZ! ZARDOZ! ZARDOZ!
Fin.
Thanks to: Kern, The Vision, KovacsC, Grim… Craster, MaliA,, Zaphod, Curiosity, Davpaz, Trooper and Throughsilver
[disclaimer] Due to last minute work this week, most of this was written on Tuesday night so if I've missed out your nom or have screwed up, sorry! Chinny Publishing cannot return your enteries and instead feeds them to Davpaz
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Joined: 27th Mar, 2008 Posts: 69720 Location: Your Mum
chinnyhill10 wrote:
Chinny: So, you run this so called forum do you? Grim…: Well I…….. Chinny: And you like 4 wheel drive cars? Grim:… Yes. Chinny: So didn't it occur to you to create a 4 wheel drive car forum instead?
Joined: 30th Mar, 2008 Posts: 48905 Location: Cheshire
Quote:
On Wednesday, Team Turbo Esprit Challenge lead by MaliA successfully won the burger task by mincing stray pets whole and luring the rival team into a back of a Ford Transit and dumping them on Dartmoor.
*snort*
Love it.
_________________
Mr Chris wrote:
MaliA isn't just the best thing on the internet - he's the best thing ever.
Joined: 27th Mar, 2008 Posts: 49362 Location: Standing on your mother's Porsche
chinnyhill10 wrote:
Chinny [sitting at a MFI kitchen table]: I don't like bullshitters, I don't like slackers, I don't like Commodore 64's, I don't like Wagamamas and I don't like Craster.
Just back! Thanks to the kindly mod who posted BEEX week for me. I have ironically spent all day in a boardroom playing with green screen.
Can the mods please change whoever the noms now go to as I just got a nom from Grim... for a post for next weeks. And I ain't doing that again in a hurry!
Agains sorry for any missed noms. I wrote most of that on Tuesday and meant to add more last night but only had limited time.
Chinny: So, you run this so called forum do you? Grim…: Well I…….. Chinny: And you like 4 wheel drive cars? Grim:… Yes. Chinny: So didn't it occur to you to create a 4 wheel drive car forum instead?
Can the mods please change whoever the noms now go to as I just got a nom from Grim... for a post for next weeks. And I ain't doing that again in a hurry!
Yep, already done. Good work, sir.
_________________
GoddessJasmine wrote:
Drunk, pulled Craster's pork, waiting for brdyime story,reading nuts. Xz
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