Be Excellent To Each Other

*WHOOP WHOOP! FORUM CONTENT ALERT!*

I love a good baddy, me. It's been said that a film is only as good as its villain, and to my mind it is the nefarious muah-ha's of the world who have been the audience's friend since time immemorial. Can you imagine the Bible without Satan giving it some spice? Precisely. And yet for a good deal of the 17th through 19th century decent villains were difficult to find. Bronte's Heathcliffe might have satisfied trembling young teenage girls but he's more of a ne'er do well than a hearty bastard. Melville had a whale, which was somewhat disappointing in its inability to monologue. Mark Twain confusedly made incredibly memorable goodies and somewhat forgettable baddies, whilst Dickens had an excellently villainous Jew, but accidently made him lovable fodder for future musicals. Shelley's Frankenstein and his monster (fnar) were also tragic figures rather than evil.

So for such a long time it seemed that only Long John Silver and company would be worthy contenders for the rogue's gallery. And even then their ambition to just go and dig up some treasure didn't seem particularily earth shaking in the evil stakes.

Fortunately then that the 20th century quickly provided a turnaround in villainous fortune. Early signs were good, when H G Wells presented loathesome martians and a crazed megalomaniac in The War of the Worlds and The Invisible Man. However, these weren't really guys you could invite to a dinner party - and sadly, Dr. Griffin of transparency fame is rather a madman than one who is actively evil. Likewise Oscar Wilde came achingly close with Lord Henry in the Picture of Dorian Gray, but who talked the talk but failed to saunter the walk.

The biggest blunderer of all came with Bram Stoker, who made a cracking baddy in Dracula, but forgot to actually put him properly in the novel. Oaf.

So thank God for J. M. Barrie, who set the tone with his wonderful creation of old-boy-Pirate Captain Hook. Hook ticked all the villainy boxes. He was capable of raputurously monologuing. He kept caturing the hero and allowing him to escape. He had a guarded admiration for his enemy. He had an iconic nature. (Abu Hamza was wise in his choice of role model) And he also had a killer death scene. Hook made bad guys fun, and though they wouldn't all share his panto nature, every writer who came after Barrie realised: Writing a good bastard is so much damn fun. And then we got TV and radio and comics in addition to words-on-page fun, and the entire rogues gallery exploded with plucky contenders for the crown of King Bastard and Queen Bitch.

So raise a glass to them as I offer a cheery sail to the Mysterious Memory Island, where we shall discover the Fortress of Villainy Past and compare through a rigorous Top Trump stylee breakdown the triumphs and failures of VILLAINS...

First Up:

When one is asked who the best sneering ever-so-English and dressed-in-black Christmas party-pooper, folks inevitably turn to Alan Rickman's glorious panto turn in Robin Hood: Prince of Mullets. But they are wrong... that glittering crown of RADA villainy belongs to...

Abner Brown

(As played by Robert Stephens)



[A middling degree of plot spoilers abound, alert!]

The Box of Delights is a children's show inextricably linked with Christmas; full of mince pies and presents and carols and sudden shards of Kubrickian jump-cut horror. It revolves around a posh young boy named Kay Harker (Devin Stanfield) who is entrusted with a magical box by a mysterious old Punch and Judy man who isn't Doctor Who (Patrick Troughton.) This box allows you to fly through space and travel through time (no, seriously, not Doctor Who) and can also shrink you down to the size of a mouse. But there's a bad man after this box, and that bad man is Abner Brown. Let's take a look at the key ingredients of his supoib villainy:


Entrance:

To the music-box sinisterism of Victor Hely-Hutchinson's glorious take on Noel, Abner Brown's face scowls out at friend viewer during the credits as the thin, menacing strings cut like a knife. More like a moment from a David Lynch film than a cosy BBC kid's show. Nice.

8/10

Style.

First of, it has to be said that of all villains Abner Brown rocks a style unmatched by any other. If Noel Coward were a satanist, he would be Abner Brown. The chap sports a cutting 1930's wardrobe, replete with green silk dressing gown, swim suit, smoking jacket and sinister clergyman's garb. It's this last touch that puts Abner up there with the fashion conscious criminal. What better darkly ironic statement to make than to dress up in a clergyman's dark suit and hat and run around locking up children in a dungeon? He's clearly a fan of smoking, drinking port and relaxing with a good book.

Unfortunately Abner's rage causes him to chew scenery in angry tirades, losing him certain suave points, which brings us neatly to our next section.

7/10

Monologuing:

"And as for that boy... what I won't do to that boy!" purrs Abner menacingly as he runs his finger back and forth through a match flame. Abner's got beef, and you're gonna hear about it. Fortunately for him he is voiced by the wonderful Robert Stephens, who wields one of the richest voices in the history of acting. As rich and dark as Christmas pudding and as slick as oil, Abner's voice seethes corruption. How classy is his voice? Let's just say he makes Alan Rickman sound like Joe Pasquale.

Uniquely however, we never get to hear him explain his plan for world domination. We witness him summon demons, berate hapless goons and smooth talk his lady, but at no point does he provide exposition. Despite this, the man is clearly in love with his own voice, and misses no opportunity to rant and rave about the box.

10/10

Powers.

He has the ability to summon demons, which is rather swish. He can also impersonate people. Apart from this, Mr Brown has no real power of his own. He knows a bit of magic, but one suspects in the limited John Constantine way. He's just an accomplished shit, really.

4/10

Goons:

He may not have many of them, but Abner's goons are highly memorable. First off he's got a loathesome human sized rat-man-thing who spies for him, and his nephew, who is Nick Berry from Heartbeat. Then he's got two shifty types in Fox-Faced Charles and Chubby Joe. These two are great. Fox-Faced Charles looks like he sounds and finishes his sentences with, "Ha ha what!" and is a little dim. Chubby Joe is indeed a chubby jovial fellow and is even dimmer than Charles. Both are curiously tender hearted.

His main right hand is a witch called Sylvia Pouncer, which is an awesome name. At least we're told she's a witch, she doesn't do anything even vaguely magical throughout. Instead she's something of a moll and in being played by Patricia Quinn (of Rocky Horror fame) she also has an amazing voice. She's brighter than Charles and Joe and somewhat more greedy and evil, but one suspects she is in actual fact incredibly lazy.

Abner also has a terrifying yet slightly camp talking Robot-God-Head thing on a pedastal. As is the rule of all magical advisors, it is sarcastic.

Overall a unique and interesting collection of ne'er-do-wells, if by and large affably useless.

7/10

Assets:

A flying car. A kick-ass hideout in a rectory with an inexplicably massive labyrinth of dungeons. Pistols. A well stocked wine cellar. Abner don't have much, but what he does have is well furnished.

5/10

Vulnerabilities:

Hubris, basically; the classical Greek failing of all great baddies. Abner is told victory is at hand and is given an obvious hint as to how to grasp it, but fails to have the wit to achieve it. He also fatally alienates his goons. It is all well and good to deride your employees when you have a Pirannah-Lift or Blammo-Chair to get rid of meddlesome goons, but it's safest not to mock them repeatedly when backed up by nothing more deadly than a slightly pointy cigarette holder.

Intriguingly, Abner Brown also seems frightened of the great demonic powers he controls - hinting that he is fully aware that his mastery over them is only temporary - and indeed fears damnation.

Taking the edge off Abner is adept at manipulation and smooth-talking, and is also quite clever. This is not enough to avail him. Also, one suspects that he could never fend off anyone simply determined enough to follow him into his study and kick his head in, be they James Bond or an irate pair of Proclaimers hopped up on goof-balls. This category's a negative score:

-8/10

Competition:

Judge yourself by your enemies, they say, and here Abner is quite unlucky. Not only does he go up against a plucky band of 1930's children, thus dooming himself from the off, but he also has the second Doctor to contend with. Poor chap.

On the plus side for him his 1930's chocolatte box world has the world's most inept police and social working force, with them failing to notice the mysterious disappearance of multiple children and a Cathedral's worth of God-botherers.

So as Abner rates quite a high degree of children's story opposition, I rate him at...

8/10

Bastardy:

We never find out what Abner plans to do with his world-conquering, but it's probably something excellent like having free run of Earth's supply of snuff, wine and Turkish boys. At first his japes seem low-rent villainy: allying himself with wolves, locking up bishops and children (hopefully not in the same cell, eh?) and disrupting transport infrastructure with snow and/or leaves on the line. However, it's when he plots to drown 'em all like kittens in a sack that he achieves some impressive cold-heartedness.

But one suspects that's only because he's been thwarted so much, he's probably a live and let live chap if you obey him and never fail to renew his subscription to Chap Magazine.

6/10

Exit:



10/10

Total Score:

57/100

More villains to come as I trawl through a titanic list of nogoodniks who please me greatly. Stay tuned!

Well, it looks as if I shall have to torrent this for christmas now, seeing as I could never watch it properly when I was a child. It had wolves, you see, and I was mortally afeared of wolves. The first thing you see in every episode of the damn thing is a wolf, and on wet playtimes we'd be dragged indoors and shown this on the school telly. I'd get in trouble for not watching properly, but how could I explain?

I was not remotely surprised to find myself in therapy some fifteen years later. This sort of shit fucks you right up. But yes, Abner Brown... A quality shit.

Pete! Stop writing for free!

But still, yknow, write for us for free

I love your stuff Pete, I really do, but (and I think I've said this before), you should get this out on a website or a blog or something, where it can be more widely appreciated.

Great stuff, Pete.

All I can remember of 'the Box of Delights' is that it featured heavily in a 'Blue Peter' annual I got one year for Christmas.

Torrented. Damn you, you ginger scholar of stuff I find interesting.

Muah ha ha. Excellent. It's been a while since I've seen the show, so I think I'll do the same too.

FUN FACT! Robert Stephens was actually married to Patricia Quinn at the time.

There's a reasonable one at just over a gig on a site called The Irate Gay or somesuch.

Thread needs Alan Rickman in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Pete, not only is this lovely stuff, but you've made me all sorts of nostalgic for Box of Delights. I still have wonderful memories of this show, to the point where I'd be loathe to watch it again for fear that it simply hasn't held up to the test of time.

They did a Villain Top Trumps on a radio call-in show and the Cobra Kai sensei won.

Be sure to stick to this and not watch it, as your memory will tell you it was excellent, but the reality is that it's quite awful.

That's not fair really. It's not awful I suppose - it's jolly and Christmassy and perfectly inoffensive, but best left to childhood, because everything seems better when you were 14 or whatever. I got the DVD about five years ago and saved it up to watch as a Christmas treat, as I had such fond memories of it, but it was hard to ignore the annoying child actors and rubbish computer graphics and such.

Pete is correct about Robert Stephens though, obviously.

"Just once, I'd like to do something properly! now, get on with it!"

I recall that half the child actors are rubbish, and the other half are alright. But yes, the reason to watch this is for the adult cast. I think the effects weren't that bad for the time and nor was the production. It had a good notion of what was achievable and what wasn't, which in practice meant a lot of animation. The production behind the villains base and stuff was very good and the flying car actually worked due to the team wisely relying on sound effects and mysterious long distance verite style shots rather than showing a bad chromakey job.

I recall being utterly terrified during that bit where an old lady walks towards him in the night to sinister dreamy music and a thumping heartbeat and with every step she gets younger and younger until she's finally right in front of him and then her face spins round and she's terrifyingly Mr Punch, leering evily. Right up there with that bit in the bathroom with the sexy-woman-oh-no-decaying-hag! bit in The Shining.

The show's certainly a lot better than the bungled effort they made of the Narnia adaptations, of which only the theme music managed to approach even a vague semblance of the grandeur of the books.

You can also see Robert Stephens being excellent in Brannagh's Henry V. Sadly, he became something of an alcoholic after his divorce from Maggie Smith, and went from promising great new star to largely forgotten. However he bounced back somewhat in the nineties for a five year stint of top stage acting (including King Lear) and a knighthood prior to his death.

Don't forget his storming performance as Aragorn in the Radio 4 Lord of the Rings adaptation.

Mrmmrmmrbrbrbrbrmrmrm good "call" Mmmbmrmbrmrmrmrmbrm.

I Box of Delights, I have vague memories of a woman screaming at an upstairs window, then she goes back in,mthen a slightly anthropomorphic wolf head appear at the window. I can clearly remember the weeks/months/years maybe of nightmares I had after that.

A wolf. In an upstairs window. With a lady. Horrors beyond horror.