Be Excellent To Each Other

Tell me what you think is the worst film ever, and then I'll make a poll. The top 5 in the poll will be watched, by me, and I'll tell you all what the worst film ever is.

A HOC nominates Phat Girlz: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490196/

S.Darko.

Surf Nazis Must Die

Open Water.
House of the Dead.

Also, I would argue that the passion of the Christ is a terrible film but that's probably a bit too heavy for this.

The Happening.

Only one each!


I've seen half of that.
You cunt.

The Public Eye.

Francis Ford Copella presents Bram Stoker's Draclula

Without a doubt it's Southland Tales.

The Last Castle with Robert Redford, is my nomination here. No question.

Marvel at its crass jingoism, its one-dimensional sanctimonious 'message' writ large in 72 point flashing arial font, its soul-crushing predictability and the ludicrously implausible storyline. Sure, there are "worse" straight-to-DVD B-films out there that've been done on a budget, but this was a relatively lavish production with an impressive cast. Redford is utterly, utterly wasted here.

Seriously, this film makes Con Air (another shortlist nomination for me, but at least that's entertaining in a 5-year old kid, comic book kind of way - sort of) look like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. How I ever managed to sit through it back in the day I'll never know, less still how it was ever commissioned, or how Redford ever accepted the script, or managed to keep a straight face in all of this. For me, it is the ultimate distillation and embodiment of corn syrup soaked American sentimentality and all-round crassness. Utterly, utterly sick-making.

Bleh.

+++ Spoiler youtube ending bit alert +++

And now with a handy excerpt from an IMDB review

...well there are so many terrible films that I had to use the selection criteria of films that I went to the cinema to see or spent good money on buying/renting the DVD/Video.

Dracula is hands down the worst...the only film I've ever considered leaving the cinema. I stand by my choice sir and I bid you good day...I said GOOD DAY

A Day in the Life. The only reason we even made it twenty minutes through was to see the guy from House making a tit of himself.

Ok, I'll go with Open Water then.

Yeah, FFC's Dracula is excellent!

I was thinking the other day about shit I've actually paid money to see in a cinema, and easily the worst offenders were The Happening, Max Payne, Death Becomes Her and Batman & Robin. So one of them.

Waterworld and The Postman are piss poor too.

Transformers: Dark of The Moon. Probably the biggest shitfest I've witnessed for many a year.

Worst I've paid money to see was Sith Menace Wars last shit star wars film. Worst I've ever seen would be a competition between The Mosquito Coast and Nothing But Trouble.

The latter was just grim, nasty and arduous. Like watching a dangly, writhing ballsack be shitted on for 12 hours before being tenderised with a steak mallet.

The Mosquito Coast is close to that. It was one of the videos we had when we first obtained a VCR. I was a little Star Wars fanatic at the time and my parents must've seen Harrison Ford was in it and thought I'd like it. My memories of it are patchy now, but it goes along the lines of: man makes ice machine in the jungle and tries to show the tribes ice or something but it melts and they get shot at and driven out and then there was a big rain storm and floods and Harrison Ford's on a raft with his family dying and they get shot and it ends. The worst of it is that it was one of the only tapes we had, so it got watched over and over again even though it was depressing shit. Coloured my entire life, that film.

So yeah, Mosquito Coast.

Date Movie

Really mate? I thought that film was quite terrifying, personally, particularly as it was based on a true story apparently.

It's not a film that I'd ever want to see again, but not because I think it was crap.

And there's another film I needn't watch, now.

Oops, sorry.
Spoiler tagged.

It's no real worry. It's been out long enough now. I think that one can reasonably expect to not be able to know (this is a tricky sentence all of a sudden)how a film ends after a set time. You know what I mean.

I've not seen the film, but I can pretty much guarantee that 'The Keith Lemon Movie' is the worst film ever made.

Inevitable Holly Willoughby though.

Craster scale?

Someone nominate "Jack & Jill".

That looks fucking awful too.

We could just nominate films that we know Grim... will hate, rather than worst films ever.

I nominate "Picnic at Hanging Rock"

The Expendables

Batman and Robin. I think I only made it through ten minutes.

I have complicated tastes, though.
Titanic is firmly in my top 5 movies, and one of my favourite books ever is by Jilly Cooper, and it's not even one with much sex in!

Also, there's another important rule - I have to be able to "rent" the film in choice. If it's not in stock, I'll skip it and get the next highest-voted.

However, I expect you to be firmly in the camp of "films where something actually happens", and if so, you'll hate Picnic at Hanging Rock.

Dodgeball?

Actually what I may go for is Coma. Which holds the dubious reward for being the only Film my chum Phil never watched to the end.And he watches alot of films.

I dont remember anything about it beyond the dispair and genrally losing the will to live through boredom.

Independence Day....

Requiem For a Dream.

We sat down to watch this the other week and were expecting good things because how everyone had heard of it.

Two storylines, both about drugs, both booooooring.

You fucking what?

Forgot to say we turned it off after 45 minutes when nothing had happened yet.

What the fucking fuck?

Reqieum for a Dream is a harrowing watch.

I hated it, it was so formulaic and boring...

Sorry!

Oh yeah: Bridesmaids would probably be Mimi's guess.

It got to a scene where they're trying on dresses and have all got food poisoning and there is some graphic 'both ends' activity.

She felt too sick to continue, and now I'm typing I might watch it this afternoon while she's not here

Dirty boy.

tissues everywhere.

Dead to me! He punches an alien in the face!

And then says "WELCOME TO EARTH"!

Worst Film I've seen in a cinema : Transformers 2

Worst film Nervy Pete has made me sit through : Mulholland Drive

Worst Film I've ever seen: The Human Centipede

Ah now, here we hit restriction number two: I have to be able to watch it on a train without causing the person sitting next to me to call the feds.

Now that's what I call a close encounter.