"Hey, fuck face, here's a ladder. You don't know what a ladder looks like? How about I just paint it bright blue. That good enough? You don't get it still? Right, I'll paint every ladder in the game blue then so you don't forget what a ladder is."
"Whoa there pal! You almost fell off the edge of that building. Geesh. You're clumsy. Look, would it help if I stick an arrow at the edge of the edge so you know where the edge is? Nevermind the sheer drop at the other side being blatantly obvious to a six year old. You've never played a game before have you? What, you've prestiged on MW3 seven times. You'll definately struggle to get to grips with this game. It's a s-i-d-e s-c-r-o-l-l-i-n-g platform game. Platform. Y'know, like standing on the ground but in the air. No, not like that world in Avatar."
"Look, I better put an arrow over every edge or you'll never get off the tutorial."
"Pal! Jesus Christ. You almost walked by that. That. THAT. It's a dead body on the floor. How'd yo... oh, look, I better make everything glow blue when you're around. You're like some blind wandering buffoon."
"Christ almighty. You're stuck again! Ok, look, let's do this one last time. Whenever I want you to move something or touch something I'll paint it blue. All of it. It'll barely resemble what it's supposed to look like. Yes, blue like Avatar. (fuck, I better paint everything blue)."
"You're never going to last five minutes are you? Ok, well what if I tell you in giant text what you're supposed to do. Let's run by it again, yeah? You're in a one screen section. You can't get out. There is no danger whatsoever. NO, you fucking idiot don't turn it off already. You're holding an axe. It's the only bloody thing you've picked up! Stop swinging! Ok, see that lock, it's clearly stopping you get ou... Stop swinging ... Out. Why don't you try and figure it out?"
"You done? What the fuck, you're still in this section. You fucking retard. Ok, I'll flash the lock BRIGHT FUCKING BLUE. You get it? YOU'VE GOT AN AXE. STOP SWINGING. Oh, here's some giant text to TELL YOU TO SWING AT THE LOCK. Phew. Geesh."
"I better set subtitles as standard. He'll wonder whose that disembodied voice is. Twat."
"What, you want an option to turn off all the obvious pointers, blueness, and atmosphere ruining stuff? No way, pal, you wouldn't be able to handle it. No one could. Besides that might mean that we might have to figure out a solution to make the edges of platforms more easily defined. That'd take some finking, buddy. I ain't got time for that. Plus you're a moron."
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