Be Excellent To Each Other

I made MAN CHILLI for dinner yesterday.





Om to the mother fucking nom nom nom. I will write the recipe.

Tastes like chicken?

How to make MAN CHILLI in 37 easy steps

1. Go to the shop and buy:
500g minced beef
1 can chopped tomatoes (400g)
1 can kidney beans (400g)
2 onions (or 1 big onion)
1 red pepper
Some chillis
25g dark chocolate
Tomato puree
Beef stock cube
Garlic
Beer

2. Queue up at the till with the HOTTEST CHICK, even if it has the LONGEST QUEUE.

3. Get home and unpack. Put the beer in the fridge. Check your cupboard for chilli powder, paprika, cumin and marjoram.

4. Swear about not even knowing what marjoram is, and go back to the shop to get some.

5. Chop up the onions, and bang them into a saucepan with some hot oil.

6. While that's happening, chop up the red pepper and crush three garlic cloves. Tip these in with the onion (if you're a fast chopper then you might want to wait a bit).

7. Take a look at your minced beef. Did you buy lean by mistake? Cock. What are you, on a diet? DIETS ARE FOR CHICKS. Turn off the cooker and go back to the shop.

8. Heat up the pan again, and dump in your MAN MINCE.

9. Put half a pint of hot water into a measuring jug, and stir in your stock cube. Add two tablespoons of tomato puree, 3 big teaspoons of chilli powder, 2 of paprika and 2 of cumin and 1 of marjoram. Stir it up well.

10. Is your MAN MINCE browned yet? If it is, lob in the sauce you just made and the chopped tomatoes.

11. Stir it up good, and as soon as it starts to boil turn the heat down as low as it will go.

12. Go off to DRIVE FAST CARS for a couple of hours.

12. Stir it up again. It might burn onto the bottom of the pan at this stage, but this is A Good Thing. Scrape the burnt bits off the bottom and stir them up good.

13. Go to a concert of the HEAVIEST METAL for a couple of hours.

14. Stir! Stir stir stir!

15. Go off and FUCK SEXY BIRDS for a couple of hours.

16. Stir!

17. Go to bed. Set your alarm for four hours time.

18. Get up! Stir!

19. Go back to bed.

20. Go and WIN SOME BREAD. Get HER INDOORS to stir the chilli every few hours.

21. Six hours before you want to eat (which should be at least 18 hours since you started cooking), throw in the kidney beans (drain them first!). Chop up your chillis and throw them in, too - the amount you add depends on how hot you want your chilli. SO ADD ALL THE CHILLIS IN THE WORLD. Bung the chocolate in, too.

26. Stir. Stir stir stir.

27. Two hours before you want to eat, grab a spoon and taste the chilli. It it's lacking in anything throw some more in. Throw some more of everything in just in case. You can season with salt and pepper at this point too, if you want.

28. S

29. T

30. I

31. R

32. Twenty minutes before you want to eat, your kitchen becomes a BLAZE OF ACTIVITY!

33. Stir the fucking chilli. That's job one.

34. Bang some garlic bread in your oven (if you want it), throw some rice in a pan (if you want it), pour out some nachos (if you want them), chop up some coriander (if you want some), grate some cheese (if you want some), and put some sour cream in a bowl.

35. Taste the chilli. Om nom nom nom. Try not to eat it all.

36. Serve!

37. Eat!

If you've got a big enough saucepan, make loads at once and freeze what you don't eat. When you defrost it and eat it in the future it tastes EVEN MOTHER FUCKING BETTER

Needs more stirring.

Probably does

You'll find that once it's about twelve hours old you can stir it a lot less and it won't burn, because magic or something.

That tray is excellent.

I like long, slow cooking, but I think 18 hours might be silly.

Don't put the tomato purée in with the stock. Add it to the pan before the liquid goes in, and fry it briefly to intensify the flavour.

Eighteen hours is when you put the rest of the ingredients in. Cook that shit for at least A DAY, BOYEE.


MANFIX

Amazing. So trying that this weekend.

Pics of step 15 pls k thnx.

Tonight, I fried two 375 g sirloin steaks in a full pack of butter with an additional head of garlic.

I regret nothing.

Yesterday I prepped about 20kg of Rib eye steaks
about 15kg of sirloin
and about 15kg of fillet mignon.
Filleting meat takes forever.

*waits*

Dinner was a Zen Burger. "Make me one with everything". Steak burger, cheese, streaky bacon, slow-fried onions, fried egg, toasted bun.

How slow is "slow-fried"?

Chef ring for the egg? Classy.

About an hour.

::bows::

Is a chef ring just a biscuit cutter?

Pretty much.

Ponces

Hi, good to meet you.

Not for long.

Mine are non-stick.

Sometimes they are made of silicone. I like them because they stop evil eggs from encroaching on actual edible foodstuffs.

This.

Nutters.

Thinking on, I've got one that makes two eggs into a boobies shape, so I win.

Grim...>Doc.

He's about twice as great.

And yet half the volume

Are you working on Volume = Mass/Density?

But you'd need to make the entire burger boobie shaped to compensate. Grim... get to work!

The Mel C Grill?

Ian, my week old sourdough starter, has been looking frisky so i made a loaf this evening. Ian Iansson is delicious, already giving a distinct pleasing flavour.

Grim...'s chilli is making my mouth water just from the cooking aroma!

What does this even mean?!

Hell yeah!
How long's it been cooking for?

Well we made it after lunch and had it for dinner, but there are a couple more meals worth in the fridge yet too.

After lunch yesterday, I can only assume

Looks awesome! We didn't have a proper dinner tonight because I couldn't be arsed. So hungry now.

It's a thing. I had one called Herman, who made a rather nice fruit cake. I had to let him die in the end though, once the novelty wore off.

Ian is a sourdough starter for bread, not cake. as they mature, by feeding them water and flour, they gather a unique flavour. Ian iansson is the first loaf made with it instead of packet yeast, and I'm surprised how well it worked given Ian is only a week old.

Aha! Can you theoretically keep Ian forever?

In theory, yes - once its fully established it can be revived from starvation just by, well, feeding it, and apparently even freezing is possible (I do already know freezing yeast works from freezing pizza dough).

Shit, I forgot to feed him this morning!

Cruelty to Ian!

Where did you get him, by the way?

You can make him from scratch.

Poor scratch

But then I'd have to name him! That's a lot of pressure!