Be Excellent To Each Other

Got to wipe from front to back, otherwise you risk shitty balls.

It's especially important for women, what with having a hole instead of balls.

I'm a once a day sitting, balls-backwards folder. Though there was a day last week where I went shopping three times and still didn't have that glorious void sensation.

Teach your daughters to wipe back to front and they'll never be lesbians.

A young lady in work years ago once went for a visit, and accidentally pulled the handicapped emergency cord (it was a combination disabled/ladies toilet). She desperately claimed that she'd done it by mistake thinking it was the light and wasn't doing anything wrong.

Our David Brent-esque manager had his one moment (of two) of glory by telling her: "No, you went in there for a quiet poo."

Your balls must all be much closer to your arseholes than mine are.

Also, you all must be incapable of stopping wiping or something. Like if you weren't extra careful you'd wipe right past your balls, down your thigh, and be smearing it all over the side of the bath.

This is the best thread.

I drink a litre of water each day at work, and 600ml of 7up. I'll drink some more when I get home. That's enough, isn't it? What's it meant to be?



No, I'm just like everyone else in that respect.

You're wiping the "wrong way".

Have we jumped the shark then?

This thread is some sort of psychological laxative!

*runs to toilet*

P.S. Stand up balls to back folded (SUBBF). Anything else is strange and unnatural.

One cheek (usually the right) off the seat and then, using double the standard amount of layers of paper, wipe in a twisting motion around the bumholular area. I am fortunate to have a hairy arse however, as this acts as a barrier trap for the excretea, keeping it localised around my exit, thus allowing for two or three good, reinforced 'twist' wipes to clear any residual poo. Then, if unconvinced, I can have a single quick wipe from front to back to be sure. That one almost always comes up clean though, as I know my technique is sound.

Unless - you get a bog seat like the one I'll be shitting on at work tonight where too many fat people have use it and the two points where it hinges and screws into the pan assembley are one or both loose, causing the seat to slide about three inches to the right when I put my weight on the left buttock and pitching me off the seat into a cupboard.

I suppose it's not the sort of thing one can full explain to a friend without wiping their bottom for them, though. I'm not sure how to overcome that issue.

Oh fuck off myp.

We need a new field in our user profiles for an arse-wiping description in this exact format.

I'm a once a day standing, balls-backwards folder.

Abbreviated! Brilliant!

Stop attacking your arsehole with the delicacy of an industrial sander. Think of it as dotting the corners of your mouth with a silk napkin after canapés.

I only use a swan's neck, a chinchilla or, in extreme emergencies, the back of a young mole to wipe with. Anything else is sheer barbarity.

Anal Barbarity are one of my favourite bands.

Check this shit out: My Ma folds over her used toilet paper to use again. How many of you dirty bastards do that?

I've done that only because I couldn't be arsed with the penguin walk to fetch a fresh roll from the box room cupboard.

And only on polishing wipes never on a primary.

You should make a video of yourself wiping a melted snickers from a simuloids anus.

The work of a true gentleman.

How big is your arse cheek, man?

Mine are quite big. I got back.

Thread keeps getting better!

Normal man-size!

I used to go 5 or 6 times a week, really good healthy ones, but the last 10 years or so, have seen me go more frequently. I was going so often (4-5 times a day) that I went to the doctor, who refered me to the hospital. I had x-rays and probes and all sorts, but they couldn't find anything wrong, and then it started to get better on it's own.

Recently it seems to be increasing again, and it seems to be more so when I am at work in the office (as apposed to working from home). I tend to eat slightly more on days when I in the office (starting with a large bowl of weetabix before I leave the house), but I think that the problem is mostly caused by my posture at work, and possibly stress.

Any way, I sit, wipe from front to back, fold, and it's normally mostly clean after 1 good wipe, but I tend to check with a 2nd wipe to be sure.

Malc

Apparently the water where you live can make you poo more depending on whether you're naturally more geared to soft/hard/cornish or whatever.

I love how forthcoming everyone has been with detailed information in this thread.

I thought this, as my increase coincided with moving from London to Exeter, and the decrease coincided with moving from Exeter to Ivybridge (although they are both SW Water, I doubt they are from the same place, being 30-40 miles away from each other)

Malc

I tend to go every 24 hours. Normally in the morning but I often waste time at work and "try" in the afternoon..

But really... Grim... do you REALLY only go for a wee twice a day? What are you? A camel?

I shit a lot, often due to IBS.

This can be good if I'm bored at work, but less good if my insides turn to acid when in a pub with rubbish toilets.

Jesus fucking Christ. You need to be stopped. I've informed the Bottom Inspectors.

Thrice-a-day.

Ideally I need a good 20 minute jobby as soon as I get up, then I usually have another at around 7.30pm, after I've washed up after dinner, and then a final one before I turn in, which is often around 1.30am. If I don't have any work on during the day, I might take an additional dump, purely for pleasure, at my leisure.

We had a downstairs bog installed when the missus went back into childminding last year. This has been a godsend, as I can take as long as I like on the thunder box without worrying that someone is going to ask how long I'm going to be. I hate having to leave off, mid-task, because one of the females of the household can't hold on for a few minutes.

I like to read, or play Sudoku on my phone, or Klondike on my iPod while I'm on the throne.

And I tend to use a circular motion when clearing up, and also use a nice moist wipe for extra cleanliness.

I have no objections to the odour I produce and often there's no discernable odour at all, depending on what I've been shovelling down my gullet that day.

Very comprehensive, thanks for your input Warhead. Side note: I too am fond of 'moist wipes'. In an ideal world I'd have a bidet to be honest. Using one on holiday for two weeks a couple of years back was a real eye opener. Yes, Zardoz. Eye opener. I'm making it extra obvious because there are only two minutes of November left.

You people are all wierd.

Not at all. Shitting is fundamentally important to all humans.

_{Did you see what I did there?}

Isn't bidet strength a bit insipid though? I often need sandblasting.

You use your hand! You don't just sit there and squirt water at your anus. At least, I didn't... Oh Christ. Did I do a wrong? Er, I'll be... Over there.

So you dig at your shitty anus with your fingernails? Hmmm. I don't like the sound of this bidet business.

Maybe a bowl of those fish they use on feet would work better.

Oh thank fuck. Just checked the internets. You do indeed use your hand. It's like a mini shower for your arse!

Edit: I didn't have a fingernail problem! Without going into detail, it just kinda works. And it's incredibly clean. You sort of let the water do the work at first, then your hand (with water constantly running on it/your arse) comes into play. Recommended to all!

Why have dogs evolved with an auto-crimper and we haven't, eh? There's an argument against intelligent design.

That's an interesting question. I want an auto-crimper.

If you don't have an auto-crimper and you've been on the lash and are incapable of normal activities, you might need to have a conversation like this with a close friend.

Good God. I step away for 24 hours and you barbarians start flinging poo like a cage full of chimps!

Anyway, I poo at least twice a day. As soon as I get up and after returning home from work. There may be others during the day sometimes, but those are the main ones. As for wiping, folding is the the only civilised way. Wetwipe if one is available, but usually not. As for standing up.... wtf? I can't imagine why you would need to. Images of WTB standing naked from the waist down, head between his ankles, cheeks spread with a moist towelette is NOT WHY I VISIT THIS FORUM.

See, that's not even how it works! Do I have to take a photo or something?

Go on then.

Please, for the love of all that is sacred in the world, do not do that.

Sssh... it's for the good of the internet.

Please include your Pooh Face too..