Be Excellent To Each Other

I normally curl one out at 1.30pm, one at 6.30pm and sometimes one first thing in the morning.

Three a day?! WTF?

I have no idea really, one or two. Perhaps I should start keeping A LOG!

I know.... Zardoz, I think you need to see a doc

I probably do that too. I drink a lot of coffee.

Only on special days, like after a curry. Mostly it's twice, sometimes it's only once and even more rarely I'll skip a day altogether.

This is getting a bit Gillian McKeith.

I have one a day, very occasionally two. I don't feel right if I haven't been at least once, though. From what I can gather, girls seem to dump once a week or so. Does this ring true with anyone else?

Have we done the "how do you wipe your arse - sat down on the toilet or sort-of bent over standing?" thing on here before?

On average probably 1.5 times a day.

Snort.

Do you leave it half hanging out over night?

That was for Zardoz!

I was hoping you'd be the one to show yourself not to know how averages work. :-D

Your mum is average.

And mean.

Once, at night before bed. This is the normal behaviour.

What isn't normal is that I wee when I get up, and then again before I go to bed. I have clearly plugged in the steel bladder augmentation.

Even when on the beer?

Or you are not drinking enough liquid..


I prefer to pooh before I have a shower in the morning, so I feel all clean and sparkly...

In an ideal world, KovacsC, in an ideal world.

*sighs*

GIRLS DON'T POO! Their bums are just there to look nice and serve sexual purposes.

, every woman I've known has only needed to go... maybe twice a week at the most, even after being fed curry.



Fuck off. What really counts is if you're a folder or a scruncher.

I think I'm a folder! Depends how much of a hurry I'm in...

Depends on how much my stomach ulcer bleeds.

Folder every time. Scrunching leaves you open to inopportune unscrunching, which is dictated by an obscure branch of shitty chaos theory.

I was once told I shouldn't stand up to wipe because you make one of those foldy butterfly pictures in your crevice.

My ex-boss used to have to strip naked to have a shit or nowt would come out.

I prefer to shit naked.. not at work though...

What about socks? Did they have to take their socks off to poop? That would be really odd.

I never wanted to get into the details. The thought of him parking his breakfast naked was enough for me.

See, this isn't true! When you tell people you're a stander, they automatically envisage you standing up to attention, clenching your buttocks together and maybe having a shitty-arsed wander around. It's more of a "haunched over" stand-up. Your cheeks remain spread.

Also, a lad at work (supermarket work) once told me that he had to shit with his t-shirt off because the smell of his own shit would be funnelled by his t-shirt into his own face, and he couldn't stand it. Must admit, I have never encountered this problem. Plus, everyone likes their own brew, right?

I can't even envisage how to go about a sit down wipe. Do you lift one cheek or attack it from the ballsack end?

I stay pretty much sat down, just lift a leg/cheek up (I favour my right) and wipe with plenty of folded paper.

'zackly! I assume people who wipe sitting down don't have any testicles. As for lifting one arse-cheek up, that still doesn't leave a lot of room for your arm/hand. I don't want to have to be guiding my arm into a tight spot covered in shit with the precision of a space shuttle docking procedure. Not at 10AM, any way,

From the back to balls, Dimrill.

When a teenager I had such a stinking cack that I was sick into my underpants. True story *sits back in smoking jacket and lights pipe* Dead sophisticated, me.

Less than once a day, on average. I pee a lot, because I drink about 4 litres of water per day.

Outstanding! (re Dimmers)

On several occasions (after evenings of extreme refreshment) I've had to throw up in the sink next to me once the reek from my shite has hit my nostrils.

I have never tried, but I will tomorrow and report back..

MAN FOUND DEAD WITH BROKEN NECK AND HAND UP OWN ARSE

If I have not posted by 8 am, send some one to my hotel..

A truly spectacular image!

Hur hur once a week do you sit down and it stays halfway in hur hur.

I agree with you on the "fewer" issue, but this "average" pedantry leaves a sour taste. I hope your Xbox Live issues take EVEN LONGER to resolve.

Little help here, for I can't see the error of my ways.

Read the first page of this abortion of a thread topic.

Man you have to bring the tone down with talk of average and fewer, don't you. We're here having a grown up conversation about being sick off shit fumes and then you come along.

Your 1.5 a day comment? That was part of my joke - that you keep harping on about averages!

Oh goodness.

Forget it. Just forget it.