Craster wrote:
So you're a more empathic person than a lot of other people are. You should probably be quite proud of that. Still doesn't buy you (or others) the right to be outright offensive to lots of other people for not feeling the same way.
And do you know why that is Craster?
Because I've felt the hate. Because I've felt the sadness. And, most importantly because I understand.
I've lived with ignorance looking over me all my life. My own brother.. My own fucking brother used to throw glasses of cold water into my face to wake me out of a drug fuelled stupor to tell me to "Get up and go and find a fucking job you lazy cunt". I don't blame him. He saw this loud and obnoxious hateful cunt that was his brother embarass him. He brought people to the house and I made a cunt of myself and embarassed him. I embarassed my mother.
It took him to literally watch me break down and fall to bits 16 months ago to finally 'get it'. Up until that stage he had never seen me in that state. I went to stay at his house for a couple of days and had a depressive episode and sat there telling my sister in law how wonderful suicide was because it ended the suffering and pain. That some times it's the only way out and people should just do it to end their suffering.
I knew then I had to get out, but it was too late. I asked my brother to drive me to the train station and on the way I just sat there crying. I told him I was fine, got on the wrong train and arrived home around five hours later. That was one of the first times in my life that he showed me any true empathy.
We get on really fucking well now. He's dropped the ignorant one liners like, if I get nervous and talk too much he used to say "You taken your pills today?".
I think it hit him really hard when my mother began to reveal the secrets about his grandparents that he never knew, as you really shouldn't know as a child. They weren't quite as perfect as the picture of them in his head depicted. Instead he came to find that his father's mother was sectioned in Springfields in Tooting many times, for six months to a year at a time.
Now thankfully it missed him. I wasn't so fucking lucky, it hit me right in the face.
You know, I never came to this forum expecting all out understanding. I fucking
knew it was going to be riddled with problems and, like many times in the past, I would make a complete cunt of myself. However, I hoped that even if people weren't able to understand it then they would simply ignore it, passing me off as that "mental cunt".
But that's not quite what happened. In moments of me being fucked up people would simply take the piss. I was as honest as I could be about it, given that when you've lived a life I have you tend not to care what people think about you. If you do care then the self hate becomes so much that you end up like me when I was 25. That was the turning point. That was when I realised I had better grow a tough skin if I wanted to remain alive. However, it doesn't mean I am not able to feel the pain of some one taking the piss, especially when I have been honest about what makes me who I am and people (seemingly) deliberately ignoring it and making my shit life even shitter.