Be Excellent To Each Other

For fairly arbitrary reasons, I'm trying to find a decent, clean joke that is funny and short enough to send as a text. Google searches on this criteria give nothing but ancient, crap, unfunny shite.

If you can improve on my best find so far, please do:

"Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'".

I know, I know. Help?

Two snowmen in a field, first snowman says "Can you smell carrots?"

What's brown & sticky?
A stick

Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other, "can you smell fish?"

Two sausages in a frying pan. One says to the other, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it me?" Second one replies, "Holy hell, a talking sausage!"

What's brown and sticky?

Parcel Tape.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later.

99 bananas

I can't decide if any of these are awesome or awful

Both. This is a feature of English humour.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

That's a good one. I think it was in popbitch too

Ha

Best one from elsewhere:

A blonde walks down a street with a pig under her arm. Someone asks "where did you get that?" Pig replies "I won her in a raffle".


Of course, the person I'm sending this joke to is blonde, so that's not going to work.

Why did Karl Marx drink herbal tea?




Why did Liberace play the piano?

Hello!

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.

What did the slug say to the snail?

"Big Issue, sir?"





My mates clubbed together and bought me a sweater for my birthday. I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but I can't be too picky.

What did Gary Numan want to be when he grew up?

You are allowed in - welcome.

I don't know who those epople are.

Hello and thanks

Also I apologies for the joke.

I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'" I thought and thought about this for ages. Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

Q. Why do birds suddenly appear? A. No-one knows that.

(Stolen from The Man's Daddy)

Is that a donut or a meringue? No, you're right enough. It's a donut.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went up the road and turned into a field.

Heard this one from a swedish guy through a welsh guy.

"how long does it take for an english woman to have a shit?"

"9 months"

I don't get it.

English women don't eat a lot of fibre

Not that one.

How's this working out anyway CG? Do we get commission?

Ah, well, to cut a long story short I promised someone ahead of time that I'd send them a joke at 6pm yesterday via text. After much deliberation I eventually plumbed for Grim's Chicken/Egg joke which went down well. I then also sent my original fish joke as a backup.

So aye, this has panned out nicely, thanks to all

I've mulled it over and I still don't get it. Is it one of those clever ones?

Property = Proper Tea

What am I like?

EDIT: NSFW: http://www.sickipedia.org/ is pretty good... there not all sick jokes either:

"I know a guy who used to love camping."
"Used to?"
"Yeah, he's past tents."



That's the only inoffensive joke I could easily find but there are some more I'm sure

EDIT.. this isn't too bad:

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
"My point exactly."

How much does a cockney spend on shampoo?

Pantene.

I get that one.

Sickipedia used to be great, but a lot of the jokes submitted now just seem to boil down to 'rape LOL' or 'sexual abuse LOL'.

I do enjoy a good old fashioned bad-taste joke, but it has to actually have some funny in it.

That being said, it's always worth checking out when there is some really big news (often a death).

Winner!

That's quite interesting.

Interesting but inevitable, the world moves on.

See also, newspapers and encyclopedia salesmen...

This sort of gives rise to a non-specific comedian without a set 'set'. At last year's fringe I paid what turned out to be far too much to watch a lady comedian (comedienne? do they bother with that anymore?) who just talked about random things in a vaguely amusing way, but since none of it was a structured joke with punchlines, it barely got anything more than occasional smiles from the audience. Not really what you're looking for.

Also the fact that female comedians struggle to be popular. I always find they talk about jokes relating to being a woman, in the way a lot black comedians have jokes about being black. Oddly I think this is subtly reinforcing old prejudices because you don't find that white blokes in their 30s joke about the hilarious nature of being a white bloke in their 30s, not as the focal point of their act anyway. They actually just have to be funny with their content, whereas I think the others are relying too much on a demographical gimmick, and so don't have any longevity in their acts.

Make sense? No? Oh, carry on then.

Y'know how irish comedians go on about being irish when they're in England? Do you reckon they do that in Ireland? Same with Americans when they're in front of a familiar audience.

Perspective, innit.

Problem is, women can't stop being women. That fucking snivelling Geordie bird who goes on about being single and pathetic. She can get the fuck to fuck

Makes sense. However, I do find a fair amount of comediennes funny. i.e. sarah millican, sandy toksvig etc... yet they talk about "woman" stuff quite a bit and make jokes specific to them a lot. The reason why I think they are funny, and the majority of comediennes aren't? Self deprecation.
I find a lot of comediennes joke about how rubbish other people are, be it men, their family, etc... which just comes off a bitter and annoying.

It's a bit of a cheap gag though innit? 'Hey look, I'm irish! Potatos! Leprechauns!'. Might be funny once but that's not a long-term formula.

Relatedly I can't remeber Dylan Moran doing the whole 'Look, I'm irish!' bit in any of his gigs, I could be wrong

No, I must admit I've thought this whenever I hear (popular with Radio 4) Shappi Khorsandi. I mean, fair play to her, and her material is not bad, but it is almost entirely about being a woman from Iran.

The one with the high-pitched, monotonous, million-miles-per-hour voice? Sarah something. Can't stand her. See also: Joe ‘I'm fat and hate men’ Brand.

On the other hand, if Bernard Manning did such a set we'd all think he was indulging in cheap racist stereotypes. To hear it from the subject of the insult is refreshing self-deprecation and we can laugh along: from someone outside the group it comes across as crass and makes us uncomfortable.