Be Excellent To Each Other

There’s been a notable lack of TV shows about the US civil war. Only the rather dodgy 80’s series North & South comes to mind. But people don’t know the whole truth – there was in fact a short lived Warner Bros. 1970’s series based around the exploits of Lincoln’s most trusted cabinet ministers during the war. The title ‘Seward & Chase – Federal Patrol’. If anyone has any questions about the historical accuracy of the script, remember that history is writen by the victors… and trend-exploiting TV executives. Here I present the first in a series of long-lost scripts, showcasing what is a sadly forgotten yet landmark production…

Title: Seward & Chase – Federal Patrol

(Pilot)

Episode Title: It Takes Two to Tango

Scene: The docks. Subtitle: ‘The Docks. Washington DC.’ Menacing flute music and a sinister bassline indicate bad things are going down. A man (named Pinkerton) stands in dim lamplight amongst the shadows with an implausible afro, dressed in a suit with stars on the lapels and for cuff-links. The collar is a fur wrap. He looks out to a distant warehouse from behind a big pile of cardboard boxes.

The shadow of a man approaches from behind. The click of heels. The man in the lamplight spins round, fear on his face. Then the face relaxes into a smile.

Pinkerton: “Frederick Douglas!”

Music breaks into cool relaxed beat. Frederick Douglas has an even bigger afro. He’s dressed in a leather trenchcoat and has a black shirt with the picture of a silver chain being broken. His face is impassive.

Douglas: “Brother Pinkerton, what’s the word on the street?”

Pinkerton: “Some bad voodoo going down, Douglas. The grapevine say that the rebs are gonna hit Sumter Warehouse yonder, at dawn.”

Douglas: “Then I better be there to back ‘em up, with my baby derringer here...”

Douglas pulls out a customised vertical-shotgun from inside his coat. It is two feet long.

Pinkerton: “Be careful brother, them cats is mean!”

Douglas: “I ain’t afraid o’ no white-bread beards.”

Douglas heads out across open ground to the warehouse. It has a flat top roof. In the moonlight on top Union guards are having a party. They are white and black and sitting round a campfire, having a jolly time. Douglas approaches, smiling, his gun resting on his shoulder.

Union soldier: “Hey fellas – it’s Douglas. C’mon up, man! We got games and we got hooch!”

Cut back to Pinkerton. He looks across to the other side of the alley, and frowns. There’s a wire partially hidden by trash. He walks over, squats down and picks at the wire. He looks along it – it leads to the warehouse. Sinister music returns. Behind him, unbeknownst, a shadowy figure appears with snakeskin shoes and silver headed cane.

Pinkerton springs up.

Pinkerton: [Shouting] “Douglas! It’s a trap!”

Frederick Douglas spins around, crash zoom into his shocked and surprised face: “Pinkerton! Nooo!”

A silver headed cane smashes down, hitting Pinkerton on the head. He falls unconscious to the floor. The wire at the shadowy figure’s feet begins to fizz, the shower of sparks moving towards the warehouse at a brisk walking pace.

Douglas spins back around and shouts to the men atop the roof. “Split brothers! She’s gonna blow!”

Cut to Union troops holding a raffle on top of the warehouse, oblivious.

Union soldier: “Four score and seven!”

Cut to Douglas running. Distant background voice: “I won!” Douglas’s feet pound the concrete and suddenly he’s running on wooden planking. Camera zooms out to show Douglas running along a jetty. Sumter warehouse looms large behind him.

Cut to sparkling fizz zipping along the wire across open ground towards a big pile of explosives laid next to a door marked: Danger - National Firework Repository.

Cut to slow motion shot of a Union soldier holding up a plate with a raffle ticket attached marked ‘87’ – atop the plate is a cake. He takes a big bite, his jaws masticating in slow motion, his face blissfully happy in a slightly smug way.

Slow motion shot of Douglas running – a massive and slowly blossoming explosion rips the warehouse apart behind him. He leaps off the end of the jetty and off the bottom of the screen as the fireball fills the screen. Thunderous noise. Cut to water reflecting flame. Bricks, burning planks, fall into water. A tattered black coat bobs upon the surface.

Scene: Lincoln pacing around smouldering ruins, shaking his fists. The music is abrasive, filled with sharp trumpet breaks, heavy snaking bass.

Lincoln: “My best man – gone! This time those rebel punks have gone too far. They want a war? I’ll give ‘em a war! By golly, I’ll tear off their legs and give ‘em a stump speech! I’ll split their rails!”

He spins around to face camera, close up on angry Lincoln face.

Lincoln: I’m reactivating Seward Badge 417 – now!”

The scene: Windsor Castle exterior shot. Subtitle: Windsor Castle, England, London. Interior shot. A bustling throne room filled with dozens of courtiers. A man in a powdered wig and star shaped sunglasses plays a harpsichord. Queen Victoria sits atop her throne, flanked by beefeater guards. She looks pretty hot.

Queen Victoria: “Most amusing, Mr Seward.”

Seward smiles and inclines his head, raising his eyebrows. He looks slightly dandyish, with sideburns and a smartly tailored suit. Suddenly there is a ticking noise. He frowns, and reaches for his pocket.

Seward: “Please excuse me.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature morse kit with tiny printer attached. The morse taps out a code upon an uncoiling piece of paper the size of a bus ticket. He rips it off. Close up shot of morse code held in hands. Close up shot of eyes moving from side to side as he reads the code. Wikka-wakka guitar music begins to play.

Shot of Victoria raising her eyebrows.

Close up of Seward eyes continuing to read. Cut to over-shoulder shot of Seward and piece of paper. It has about seven dots on it.

Seward: “Can anyone actually read morse?”

A courtier-cockney urchin with adorably smudged face pulls at his trouser leg.

Urchin: “It says ‘Reactivated!’”

Crash zoom into Seward’s face.

Seward: “Your majesty – I must beg my leave, to go… to WASHINGTON D.C!”

Exciting music plays. Credits Montage:

Burst open of doors, Seward strides into room. Seward punches reb soldier in a saloon on chin and turns to camera, grinning. Camera revolves around Seward as he is surrounded in paperwork, burning the midnight oil. The faithful hand of his wife mops his brow. Seward laughs jovially with a small blind child. Seward grimaces as he opens fire with twin pistols, jumping through a window. Close up shot of Seward rotating to camera in chair, smiling. Caption: Starring Joe Don Baker as William H. Seward.

Salmon Chase, riding horseback, one hand holding onto hat – cut to long shot of him on horse on boat. Shot of Salmon Chase, jamming on a washboard at a jazz bar. Shot of Salmon Chase jerking Seward around by the shoulder, wagging his finger in the man’s face and shouting. Shot of Chase kung-fu chopping a rebel soldier. Caption: Starring Raymond Burr as Salmon Chase.

More characters appear. Lincoln smiling paternally. Lincoln pounding his fists on a desk, sending a cup and saucer flying up into the air. Caption: With Walter Matthau as Lincoln. Now we see Frederick Douglas high-fiving a coloured soldier. Frederick Douglas clashing through a window firing a shotgun. Caption: Richard Rowntree as Frederick Douglas. Shot of beautiful southern belle melting in man’s arms with knife behind back. Southern belle laughing eviliy holding a gun. Caption: Pamela Hensley as Rose McGowan. Close up of kindly eyed, white bearded Southern General. Camera zooms out to reveal him in steam-punk mech-suit. Caption: Lorne Greene as Robert E. Lee. Cut to sinister villainous dandy twirling moustache. Dandy fighting with sword-cane frantically. Dandy kissing ladies hand and looking up. Caption: And Martin Landau as John Wilkes Boothe.

Title logo crashes into screen:

SEWARD & CHASE – FEDERAL PATROL!

Tonight's Episode:

It Takes Two to Tango!


TBC:

I don't know what this is but I want more.

That is another seven layers of awesome.

I'm assuming each episode will end with Lincoln, Chase, Seward and Douglas all sitting around a table in their favourite haunt with pitchers of beer, discussing the day's affairs when Seward and Chase freed a bunch of slaves from a Alabama tobacco plantation, and then had a punch up with Klan members on top of a out-off-control paddle steamer, and then Lincoln offering Seward a cigar, and Seward saying something like "No thanks Boss, after today I never want to see tobacco again!" and them all breaking into laughter.