Be Excellent To Each Other

I've been hopelessly in love with Eurovision for about 10 years now. I love it's unique mixture of pomp, tedium and silliness. Obviously most of the songs are terrible, but a good third are hilarious and it's always worth betting on which country are going to be the funniest.

Anyway, we have entered Eurovision week and the semi finals start on Tuesday. In a way, I don't like the semis, as it prompts a Catch 22 situation. Do you ignore them meaning you may miss a genius act or do you watch them, resulting in diluted humour on the finals night? I watch them, you can make up for the dilution by getting pissed.

Blue are representing the UK this year with a song quite astounding in it's blandness. Therefore, I shall be cheering on Ireland, in the form of Jedward, who appear to have been test-tube designed for this competition.

The following is my favourite ever Eurovision act, Lithuania in 2006. Their optimism was sadly misplaced. They finished sixth after getting trounced by the Finnish zombie metallers, Lordi.


Keep an eye on Harry Hill on the far left.

Is it that time of year again?

[wheels out tired old links]

One of the people in this video died of bad AIDS. Can you guess which? Fast forward to 1:20 unless you like bizarre intermissions.



Fast forward through the filler to get to the song. Watch for the hip thrusts.



At 1:19 this one turns into a Trevor and Simon sketch.

I watched the 2006 one after being told a metal band would be on it or something (the aforementioned Lordi). They were pop-Gwar nonsense. But I did enjoy those Lithunians on the night. Also, despite hating country music (and most pop music) I wanted the Germans to win that year with this thing. I think it was the only song that felt like a real song and not like some Europop nonsense.

Not watched EV since but even if I was a fan I'd boycott this year because of the UK entry. I fucking despise boybands at the best of times but out of all of them Blue are the fucking worst. A truly evil band that all look like horrible rapists.

I'll probably watch it. It can be quite entertaining, and I haven't had a good dose of continental wackiness for a while. I suppose I could torrent Eurotrash or something too.

I think the Swedish song will be quite Popular

I've seen Blue, live.

FTFY

Does look quite emo

I've enjoyed going to friends' Eurovision parties. With a large crowd and ample supply of beer it's always great fun to watch and jointly take the piss out of each act (before waving the flags for the obligatory cringe-worthy British entry). I never watch the semi-finals or listen to the British entry before the night: I wouldn't want to spoil it all.

Sadly, no party this year as we're all going to a wedding.

I used to love Eurovision, but these days it's not the same without Terry. Graham Norton does his best, but he doesn't get nearly drunk enough...

Tel's back though, isn't he?

He is? awesome!

That would make me watch it again. I've boycotted Eurovision since 'oooooooooh cocks and fannies!' started doing it.

I can find no evidence of Terry being back other than GN saying in 2008 that he would be.

Anyway I often genuinely like some songs in Eurovision. Here's a video heavy series of my favourites (that haven't already been covered)

Greece 2002 - The Password. Clearly the police enforcement band of the future come back to do Eurovision. Okay this one is just funny.


Latvia 2002 - I wanna. Okay so I just fancy Marie N lots. Even when she awkwardly presented the show next year due to winning it.


2003 was a good year.

Turkey - Every Way that I can. A worthy winner.


Romania - Don't Break My Heart by Nicola. She looked vaguely like Siobhan Fahey. And I just found the song memorable.


Austria - Weil der Mensch zählt by Alf Poier. Strangeness. Much strangeness.


Iceland - Open Your Heart by Brigitta Haukdal. Just a lovely solid pop song and a great opener for the show


Georgia 2007 - Visionary Dream by Sopho Khalvashi. I completely love this song. It was my winner for that year. Georgia have entered twice and produce quality each time.


Georgia 2008 - Peace Will Come by Gurtskaya. Solid slightly shouty almost tATu like tune.


Ukraine 2009 - Be My Valentine (anti Crisis Girl) by Svetlana Loboda. A confident powerful performance. With disco centurions and BIG PUMPING PISTONS (on the video screens)


I could go on a lot longer...

The semi finals (often better than the final) are on tonight and Thursday night on BBC3.

Deep joy.

I heard him mention something about 'being dragged back' on his radio show on Sunday.

Hopefully I'm right. Can't stand Norton, he really is the annoying cunt in Father Ted's caravan.

Oh God, there's nothing at all to back this up online.

nope, just looked myself and found nothing about Wogan getting back to the Eurovision

Fuck that, I'm not risking it. I couldn't bear tuning in and then being assaulted in the ears by Father Noel Furlong.

Graham Norton isn't too bad and he's probably the best replacement possible. As awesome as Terry was, his bitching about tactical voting was wearing thin. Frankly, if you get annoyed about Cyprus giving Greece 12 points every year, you are kinda missing the point of Eurovision (which is spangly outfits and extreme campness).

Norton tips the scale though. Fuck that

He does need to tone it down a bit, he is in danger of people thinking he is a gay.

He's got a song called "Manboy" it's rather bad.

But in the Swedish version of the choose a song for eurovision thing we had an english "rapper" called swingfly. It was quite amusing.

Well said Lord R.

Attention! I am currently watching the Eurovision semi-finals at Lord Rixondale's house. (Post his excellent film choice Hobson's Choice)

Poland - mixed quality women, forgetable song. Who is mystery man? We don't know. If we vote for him, maybe we shall find out. He stands there. What's he doing? Who knows. Quit holding out, guys! (We were hoping he'd jump on ala Gob from Arrested Development and fling fireballs and doves about, but incompetently.)

Norway - cheery folk. Inexplicably of non-Nordic race. But who cares, eh? It's a cheery, immediately forgetable tune, but one that doesn't make you want to hurt people. Plus she looks nice in gold corset thing. Rixondale said, "Nice combination of Ebony and Ivory," which was alarmingly racist - only he was quoting Alan Partridge, ah ha!

Albania - completely forgettable. Literally. Who were they? Someone explain.

Armenia - girl in a boxing glove! Funny! Ponytail! What? I can't remember the song - but there was a boxing glove, and she was in silver. It rotated.

Turkey - female cortionist. "Look at her, she's wrong way round! ARGH!" cries Rixondale. Then he guffaws at keyboardist bipping the air with his pinkie to the tune. "HAHAHAHAHA!" Fireworks! Terrible vocals! Something about Libya, or I'm mishearing! She's a bird! KABLOOIE! And Newman waving a flag! NEWMAN! Rixondale's fave so far. More to come...

Sarah Cox, you're too thin love. Eat more. Try some Longley Farm yoghurt.

Lots of tilt-shift photography for interludes. Nice bokeh for close ups to. I was about to say alarmingly generic, but I saw a monorail, and a pier, and a tram, and some nice sights. Good work say I. You should join our photo thread. Sarcastic Brit presenter can't even find anything damning to say, because they do a good job.

SERBIA!

It's FAB SINGING BRITAIN, baby! Only from that wacky Balkan mischief-maker! Swirly psychedelics and a blonde hair woman with a semi-competent song, mercifully not in English so we don't have to hear trite lyrics. There's three other women, trying to look like a Greeker hippie Jackie Onasis, incredibly sixties. Should be absorbed with Adriatic liquour, like that uzo stuf - however you spell it. She heroically overcomes huge eyebrows. I like her. It was short, and not annoying or pretentious, and if forgetable, made you feel vaguely cheerful. Austin Powers meets, um, well, not much else.
Rixondale approved of it.

Presenter's a dick. Who is it? Scott Mills? What a dick. I don't even know him.

Russia - What will they offer up? Does it matter? They own the gas supply and a dangerously incompetent special forces. "That one looks like Pat Sharpe without his mullett!" cries Rixondale, "Oh my God look at the trainers, Jesus, those are shit! Mark Owen is there too. Oh! He just winked at me... ho! This is absolute shit!" Quoth Rixondale. We are all agreed that this is dangerously reminiscent of Lady GaGag's efforts, after Abramovich coughed up millions to the guy. Lady Rixondale quoth, "Debenhems compared to the designer." Leather jackets! Plastic faces!

Switzerland - "They've got a cello! And Toby Anstis!" says Rixondale. 'In Love for a While'. He's doing a George Formby! Tiny bass guitar! Cute woman. Lady Rixondale and Lord Rixondale argues whether she looks more like Kylie or Fergie. Neither, but she looks very nice, if alarmingly vacant. Summer sun! Sparkles! Happy tune! "You know what, this would be nicer if she wasn't singing, just the tune, without singing," says the Lord. "And you know, with drugs," says the Lady. I agree. Terrible voice. But the song itself is cheery fun. Shame her voice doesn't suit the song, she seems to think she's Whitney Houston. Awful voice. Shoot her now, shoot her Brotherhood of Love Switzerland - let the dinky ukelele sing, and the cheery floppy haired musicians! Nope, no luck.

"Look at those fools, two Swiss idiots, there for all to see," adds Rixondale, mercilessly regarding the invasion.

Scott Mills gets political with a Putin dig regarding Georgia being banned! WOW!

*Double post delete, ta*

Georgia - We like Georgia. They clearly want an alliance with us. They have one big George Cross and four dinky ones! That's five times our Englishness! Wow! Song opens with usual warbling from woman and develops into what a day-glo 80's rave organised by Evanescence. Communist Rock meets rave with the same sort of insight brought to it by that Inspector Morse episode regarding drugged up whompas spazzed out on their Shatner's Bassoons. "This is terrible! The bass player looks like Barry Chuckle, with eyeliner," - Lord Rixondale.

Finland - "Appears to have entered a hobbit," - Lord Rixondale. "Look at that cheeky little shit!"

"Peter is smart," opens the song, and thus I award it 12 points. But then the song gets all sad about the planet dying. "But then I'm going on out to save this planet!" Yes, folks! I'm saving the planet! I am awesome!

"This is absolutely brilliant, this is sweet!" cries Lord Rixondale.

"Peter is young, he talks but no one listens to him," sings small Hobbit man mournfully, opining that I am great and all others are fools for not listening to me. I treasure this cuddly funster. This is immediately the best song ever. And the tune is catchy. Don't believe me - listen now. "You know what would be ironic? If someone drove over him with a humvee," adds Rixondale, somewhat cruelly. "You only liked it because it mentioned your name," says Rixondale, as I flail for my mobile. Bastard. What does he know?

All this is live blogged guys! (From recorder-vision) But live-blogged!

MALTA!

Some guy. Stupid pink sunglasses. Crap song. "Gay," says Lord Rixondale. "This is probably the campest one I've seen so far." Two men gyrating before the man, both clones of Stuart Campbell! FLAT-TOPS! "Gay Stuart Campbell's dancing around!" crows Rixondale. Now he can't stop seeing the man. He's pissing himself laughing. This is awesome. They're panting, perspiring, looking at the man's plums. They want to get a hold of them, savour them, they... KEY CHANGE! Yes, the song's kicked it up a notch in the unsure what-the-fuck-do-we-do-now KEY CHANGE! sort of way Eurovision does. Insufficient attention to podium girls.

Gay should be witty. They fail.

More interludes. Fjords! Boat! Lake! Beautiful photography! Can't we follow these guys more? They look like they're having a lovely time.

San Marino - Guitar. Standing on an Icelandic volcano. Smug serious looking woman in dress with semi-decent vocals. Craftily hidden orchestra. "Looks like San Marino are taking this seriously," opines Lord R. Then more smoke gets pumped in, and the music swells.... to terrible EFFECT! "Sounds like a power-ballard by Bon Jovi!" cries Lord R. Yes, and as we discussed earlier, in all its predictable obviousness. And yet it is entirely flaccid. It couldn't rock if the fake volcano generated a genuine pyroclastic flow and entombed the band and the entire audience in pumicey goodness. "This is crap, what this song needs is a big over-the-top guitar solo, and it's not going to have one," says Rixondale. And he's right. Lady R. says, "Danke schone!" quoting the woman finishing the song when asked what she thinks of the song. I don't think she understood my question.

More interludes. Ignore Scott Mills cheap toilet humour, there's aerial shots of skiers!

Croatia - Daria, and 'Celebrate'! "Why is Jerry Sadowicz doing mixing," asks Lord R. of behatted guy behind desk. "That is not a woman. It is a man," says Lady R. referencing lead singer.

Some more dancing.

"I think they're all transgender!" cries Lady R.

"Oh wait, Jerry's touching her up."

"I think he's her pimp."

"Oh wait," adds Lord R. as Jerry magically transforms her dress into pink with a hula-hoop. "WOWWW!" cries Lord R., amazed at this feat. Lady R. is unimpressed. "It's the sort of thing Gob does," she says. Lord R. feels betrayed. "What's he doing now? He should be mixing! The music is still going and he's left his desk and... wow! Wait, he's changed her dress again!" Yes, her short pink has changed to long silver in a flash of fireworks. Genuinely impressive. The song is utter crap by the way. But the magic. MAGIC!

Iceland - Folksy fun from Iceland. "Love is you," says the drum, somewhat optimistically. "I can't wait till tomorrow," sings the band in the most jaunty, loveable way imaginable. A gay peck on the cheek from strummer to singer resulting in strummer's evident surprise and cheery good humour. We all like this. "I only wish we had comedy trombone player going baaarroooom!" says Rixondale. And I agree. This is lovely. They're all men and look like they enjoy pies and good times and I'd welcome them to my pub any day and buy them all a pint. The crowd love 'em. Everyone vote for these guys.

UK - Blue. "Boo. Fuck off." says Rixondale, fast-forwarding through. Thank you.

Man buying food in interlude. Good food photography, those chips look crispy, sauce looks rich. Nicely done. Food here please.

Hungary - Woman. Blue dress. Huge rock on hand. Tall scrawny woman. Such a boring song we're all arguing over the futility of me 'live blogging' when it's a recording, no one else is on BETEO and no one cares about Eurovision semi-finals. Well, um...

True.

"This is bad, can we fast forward through this?" asks Rixondale. "Not until I have finished this paragraph and finished this glass of pinot," I reply.

This song is terrible. No funniness. Woman trying the sinister Lady Galadriel look. Futile bling. Awful. Awful-sauce.

Hannover Gardens! Go visit, it looks nice. It has a maze. And more tilt-shift. "She has really big breasts," says Lord Rixondale of woman bounding around maze. Gosh, he's right. He really is right. Yes.

mm.

Portugal - the Cuban revolution Village People! But with added women! The lead looks like a cross between Hitler and Jason Schwarzmann with too much pie-diet. It's doomed, but heroic. It looks as if Wes Anderson were asked to design his own super-group. Only things have gone to awry. Not actually that funny. Red flower in hair woman looks nice though. "Take that European bankers!" cries Lord Rixondale. Apparently Twitter folk from Portugal apologise. Still better than the previous.

Skiers! Again. Snowball fight! Very cute. Lithuania next. Will they win? Chances say now. But who knows? With a title like 'This is my life' I expect appalingness.

Lithuania - I'm right! Lush orchestration, sub-Disney 'sad'chords. Ample woman with tremendous cleavage. One woman and piano. It's trying heroically, throwing in sign language. "But frankly, if you're looking at her hands there, I think you're doing the wrong thing," says Lord R. Lady R., piqued, retorts, "she looks about 40!" It's very earnest. And really quite sweetly trying. But yes, it is boring. Bless 'em.

Interlude: Rotterdam - it's like Medieval town in a Settlers village world, but with added Cheeky girls!

Azerbaijan - 'Oh oh! Oh-oh oh! Oh oh! Oh-oh oh!' Catchy opening. One bloke and five white clad women. What is it with Eurovision with one bloke and numerous women ensembles? It's as if there's something sleezy going on. Very professional, very 'wall of sound' as far as Eurovision go. Lord asks Lady why women never go, "Phwooar! He's fit!" regarding to men in Eurovision, while men oft lust after Eurovision women. Lady replies that they are the 'non-threatening poster boys for teenagers' and thus hold no appeal. Now we know. The song, vaguely memorable for the relentlessly repeated backer, still boring though.

THE LAST SONG! OH GOD!

And it's prefaced by a big Brandenburg gates marathon.

Greece - 'Watch my Dance' featuring Stereo Mic. "And crikey! They can dance!" says Lord Rixondale. Then the man starts singing and Lord Rixondale laughs in amazing cacophy and cries, "And they started so well! Truly, the worst rapper in history. What the fuck? Who is this guy! Oh my God... what has Greece done?!" I cannot help but agree. Completely the worst rapping ever. It couldn't rap a toblerone. "And David Beckham's not a very good singer either," adds the Lord, "this is shocking." It really is. Saving the worst to last. But we are lost in admiration for the dancers. Why, they're almost as good as me! Everything else is terrible though, truly terrible.

And with that we finish. Place your bets accordingly. Frankly, this 'live' blogging has exhausted me and... oh, wait results. Um, well, don't bother voting...

Let's see... fast forward... and who won... 'BLAH BLAH BLAH' they go, 'BLAH BLAH BLAH'.

And the official voting...

(Here's hoping the song is the one about me being awesome...)

Oh. Jedward first. Oh.

Wow. They've almost be trained to do routines! (They look as creepy as Dr. Seuss Chernobyl Kids)

And now, obligatory Eurovision female twins with breasts. FAST FORWARD. Enough of them. (No, really they're not all that.) Jesus, how much longer? Seems like an eternity. And finally...

THE RESULTS! Who haf qualified?

SERBIA! (Sixties girls!)
LITHUANIA! (Ample woman!)
GREECE! (The worst band ever! Hurrah!)
AZERBAIJAN! (Who again?)
GEORGIA! (Ridiculous Evanescence meets rave meets goth meets terrible!)
Switzerland! (BORING BORINGNESS.)
HUNGARY! (DREAD-FUCKINGFUL!)

"They're putting all the shit ones through!" cries Lord Rixondale, outraged, despite having watched every year since 2002.

Three more places... will justice be done? C'mon Finland! C'mon song about me!

FINLAND! (YAY! About fucking time! Ridiculous song makes it for tiny Scott Pilgrim lookalike Hobbit. Seriously, result was entire surprise after phrasing previous tense question...)
RUSSIA! (Whoulda thunk! You can put your calculator's away regarding next month's bill, now.)

One left - c'mon Iceland!

ICELAND! (Again! Our dreams are met! Well done Iceland!)

And thus the mostly awfulness comfirmed, I retire. We have forgiven them their volcano and banking shennanigans Good lord, I'm certainly not sticking around for the final. Unless I'm drunk. Thank you BETEO, you've been wonderful! It's been a pleasure! Tcheuss! (Cue terrible comedy routine where I drop the microphone and buxom assistant pretends to look shocked, or something.)

The Kids and the misses love this, so it will no doubt be on on Saturday, but with blue singing for the UK and no Wogan, I will be spending more time on the laptop whilst it's on, not really paying much attention.

Malc

Hrrm, I may be roped into watching it on Saturday, and this time without a laptop to offer up the previous six posts of commentary. I find it perverse that the most writing I've done this last week has been this evening on Eurovision semi-finals, considering it is against every hi-brow thing I stand for. Funny, that.

It's because you've been talking to girls.

It's because we've hit that time of night, we're teetering on the edge of the gayshift.


HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
\

Great live blog Pete.

Morning all, thnaks for the live blog pete..

watched the second half yesterday, shame i missed this to live comment on....

followed the eurovision from 86 (sandra kim) tot 98 (dana international) quite closely with my little brother... then televoting destroyed it bit for us, but still try to watch it, if it's not during my birthday party, which it often is (as my birthday is may 14th)...

did get a text from lithuania this morning from a friend of mine, at six am she wrote me" yeah, we reached the final".. hope she didn''t spend all night partying because of that .. i can't remember their sone, only the cleavage...

saw italy is participating again after years of absence..

some favourites

belgium 1987 "soldiers of love"


israel 1987, one of the first "comedy ones"


italy 1987 (the best year in my opinion),
just a lovely song


holland 1996 "eerste keer" typical dutch uptempo entry (she was a collegue of my father)


holland 1998, last good result, last year we song in own language

It's the second semi-final tonight folks, notable for the long-awaited return of the Jedwards. Come on the Jedwards! Let us also hope that the voters put more silly stuff through than they did on Tuesday.

Sadly though, I won't be able to watch it due to some piffling circumstance.

Mrs T asked the following question last night:

"Why don't we just get someone who can sing, to sing the song, and someone who can write, to write the song?"

I couldn't think of a good answer for her, she does have a point

Because no legitimate musician will touch eurovision with a bargepole, lest they be tagged with it forever.

Q.) What's blue and can't sing?

A.) Blue!

HAHAHAHALOLSROFLCOPOTER11one!1 DO YOU SEE?

What's red and can't sing?

Blue in a Kenwood Food Processor!

Plus, there's no chance of us winning anyway, because other cuntries hate us (and some of them would be invaded if they didn't vote for their neighbours) and the contest stopped being about the songs a long time ago.

Sorry did someone let in the Daily Mail or Terry Wogan?

This country hasn't got any votes as we continually send shite to the contest...and not even funny shite...just dour, boring shite. I predicted 'somewhere else' that they would be lucky to get 10th spot, on another listen 15th would be an achievement.

...have a terrible feeling that smug arse from Finland is going to storm it.

I can't believe the lesson from Lordi hasn't been learned. Be different, be memorable, be competent. Someone should just ask Judas Priest to do the UK entry. Easy. I bet Rob would go for it, too.

Genius, I'd love to see that.

dutch entry, bookmakers say 1 above bottom.. we'll see..

This sounds amazing. I can usually trust Georgia to produce something good. 2/3 entries from them I've liked so far. Keep it up Georgia!

and they are!

Was just about to turn off Eurovision when Twiins came on...

... might just watch a bit longer. With mute on.

Fuck off, Sara Cox!