"You wouldn't understand"

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

Saw this on Facebook (posted by MyFinger's mum, in fact):

Quote:

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Alternative:

1) Condom.

DavPaz · **Joined:** 27th Jun, 2008 **Posts:** 38666

This has made my evening...

horrific

sdg · **Posted:** Thu Jan 13, 2011 21:37

Brilliant. A few bits of that made laugh and repeat them to my sister, who just smiled and looked a bit worried about the future :DD

WTB · **Joined:** 27th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 14497

You forgot:

"Acquire a new level of self-importance. You're the first person in the world to ever have a baby. Act like it. You're better than everyone else now."

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Wogan'sTrouserBulge wrote:

You forgot:

"Acquire a new level of self-importance. You're the first person in the world to ever have a baby. Act like it. You're better than everyone else now."

Aw. I think exhaustion (and related crankiness) is a more common side effect.

metalangel · **Posted:** Thu Jan 13, 2011 23:42

You chose to have children. No sympathy.

MaliA · **Posted:** Thu Jan 13, 2011 23:43

Thanks! I really liked that.

WTB · **Joined:** 27th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 14497

metalangel wrote:

You chose to have children. No sympathy.

Sorry, but :this:

Guilting your siblings into babysitting your kids is bullshit. (Can you tell where my contempt stems from yet?) You chose to have the kids - why does that give me some sort of unspoken obligation to look after them so you can go out and do the things you enjoyed doing before they came along? Don't get me wrong, I'll happily look after them off my own back, but don't make me feel bad about how often I decide to do that. Or say something like "Oh please, go on! We never get to go out anymore!" etc. No shit!

I should add that I'd like to have kids, I'm just not going to be all self-important and preachy about it when it eventually does happen. Oh, also, I speak from personal experience - I'm not suggesting that all parents are like this, although it would seem that most of them are, especially if stuff like what Rich posted in the OP is getting passed around to such a great reception.
:attitude:

gospvg · **Joined:** 7th Nov, 2008 **Posts:** 2306

Pah !! Codswallop it's all fine they are great & lovely. Trust me I should know

metalangel · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 0:26

Wogan'sTrouserBulge wrote:

I should add that I'd like to have kids, I'm just not going to be all self-important and preachy about it when it eventually does happen.

Yeah, that's not in your nature.

WTB · **Joined:** 27th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 14497

metalangel wrote:

Wogan'sTrouserBulge wrote:

I should add that I'd like to have kids, I'm just not going to be all self-important and preachy about it when it eventually does happen.

Yeah, that's not in your nature.

Ouch. I'll give you preachy, but self-important?

Are you going to be upset with me much longer or are we simply no longer internet-chums? Just so I know whether or not to start being a cunt back at you, or to just ride the storm until you get over the small not-entirely-serious-anyway comment I made about you spitting your dummy out a number of weeks ago.

Blucey · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 2070

To paraphrase one of the BeeX regulars a little while ago when asked how he affords gadgets. 'I've got no kids, so I've got a disposable income. You wouldn't understand.'

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

Blucey wrote:

To paraphrase one of the BeeX regulars a little while ago when asked how he affords gadgets. 'I've got no kids, so I've got a disposable income. You wouldn't understand.'

DINKys 4 life, yo.

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

I think that started with me and Craster telling that to Grim... at a party at my house (zomg cleeq etc) to welcome Danielle to Wales.

Decca · **Joined:** 23rd Jun, 2010 **Posts:** 2282

A two year old can black crayon in a 3ft by 6ft area of cream wallpaper in under 3 mins.

They are behind you, always. Even at 11 o clock at night when they were asleep by 8. The very second you drop your guard and get engrossed in your book/internet site/movie you will hear " Muuuumeeey can I have a drink??" and you will jump out of your skin.

"oh nooooo!!" and "meeeeeeehhh *sob* huuuuuuennn hup I....*sob* I.... meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh please...*sob* please...don't be cross mummy!...I ahuhuhuhuhu I...*sob* dropped it in the thing and it brooooooke!! meeeeeeehhhhhh I'm sooorrrryyyyy muuuuummmy!!" means you need to go out and buy a new 360/PS3/sky box/TV quite probably all four.

"my brother did it" = I did it.

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

My ex walked into the living room once to find her daughter, then two or three, constructing a charming beach scene. The rug was her beach towel, the sand was represented by crushed up cornflakes, and she had just finished making the sea from a four pint bottle of milk poured out over the floor.

Decca · **Joined:** 23rd Jun, 2010 **Posts:** 2282

When the Girl was about 4 she was off down the end of the garden playing. I heard "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" heading towards me at a fast pace. The girl has hold of her hand and is sobbing uncontrollably I asked what happened and she said "muuummy the bee bit me! I was trying to play with it but it didn't want to be my friend!!"

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:42

metalangel wrote:

You chose to have children. No sympathy.

Unless, of course, they didn't.

Also, you wouldn't understand, etc

Doctor Glyndwr wrote:

I think that started with me and Craster telling that to Grim... at a party at my house (zomg cleeq etc) to welcome Danielle to Wales.

Dudley came to my 30th Birthday party because he's my friend, and you didn't because you're not.

Malc74 · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:12

My son tore his Lightning McQueen wall border down this morning because he "wants a Spiderman one now".
He was most perplexed and upset when I told him that things don't really work that way and then sent him to the naughty corner.

flis · **Joined:** 26th May, 2008 **Posts:** 3333

This implies that after the age of perhaps 6, that children become easier and more manageable and life goes back to the way it was before you had children. HEH!!

These lessons do not even come close to how horrific it really is, DavPaz...They have left out the years between 6 and 18. No-one on the planet can make you feel as bad about yourself as a child between the ages of 8 and 16.

The reason people say they can't imagine life without their children and they wouldn't have it any other way, is because if they did, if they thought about it for even 2 minutes, they'd cry with the kind of sorrow only seen in movies.

ZOMG Spoiler! Click here to view!

DavPaz · **Joined:** 27th Jun, 2008 **Posts:** 38666

It implies that once the kids are shipped off to school, you can *pretend* that you're back to normal

TheVision · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 10:07

Right, that's it... vasectomy booked at 3pm this afternoon. Who would like to come and hold my hand?

Joans · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 8655

Glad you said hand.

Zardoz · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 10:14

Funny and true, Doc.

I wouldn't change it for the world though. Having a kid has given me a kick up the arse, I do more now than I did when I had more freetime somehow. :shrug:

...probably the earlier starts to the day now I think about it.

emoose · **Joined:** 3rd Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 171

Children are funny. I've never laughed so much in my life.

The hugs are priceless.

Small hands are the best for picking up dropped screws in PC cases.

Quote:

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

sounds like the best party game ever, goodbye twister.

MaliA · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 10:36

Doctor Glyndwr wrote:

My ex walked into the living room once to find her daughter, then two or three, constructing a charming beach scene. The rug was her beach towel, the sand was represented by crushed up cornflakes, and she had just finished making the sea from a four pint bottle of milk poured out over the floor.

I really shouldn't laugh, but I did.

kalmar · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 10:59

Went to see friends of ours last night, for the first time since they had their first baby.
Beforehand they were all like "it's no big deal". The mother would be starting a college course a couple of weeks after the birth, dad working from home with no big change of schedule.

Good intentions and all that but as I silently predicted: LOL.

They're a nice couple though but some slightly worrying comments about vaccinations and whether to do them, you know that scare story thing about it causing Autism or whatever. What's the deal with that? Is there a convincing rebuttal anywhere I can point them to? Not a Ben "Smug" Goldacre one if poss.

MaliA · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:06

kalmar wrote:

They're a nice couple though but some slightly worrying comments about vaccinations and whether to do them, you know that scare story thing about it causing Autism or whatever. What's the deal with that? Is there a convincing rebuttal anywhere I can point them to? Not a Ben "Smug" Goldacre one if poss.

The deal is that it doesn't, further studies (fairly recently) have proven it doesn't and the Lancet is very, very sorry.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/ ... th.science
http://arstechnica.com/science/news/200 ... 050307.ars

2008

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/scie ... ished.html
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26532147/ns ... al_health/
http://www.badscience.net/2008/08/the-medias-mmr-hoax/
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/09/opinion/09tue3.html

And the BMJ:

http://www.bmj.com/content/342/bmj.c5347.full

Kern · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:07

Torygraph link:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healt ... -said.html

emoose · **Joined:** 3rd Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 171

kalmar wrote:

They're a nice couple though but some slightly worrying comments about vaccinations and whether to do them, you know that scare story thing about it causing Autism or whatever. What's the deal with that? Is there a convincing rebuttal anywhere I can point them to? Not a Ben "Smug" Goldacre one if poss.

MMR scare doctor struck off do you?

ElephantBanjoGnome · **Joined:** 22nd Dec, 2010 **Posts:** 8175

metalangel wrote:

You chose to have children. No sympathy.

my sister has become an insufferable martyr to her own existance since having kids.

kalmar · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:09

MaliA wrote:

kalmar wrote:

They're a nice couple though but some slightly worrying comments about vaccinations and whether to do them, you know that scare story thing about it causing Autism or whatever. What's the deal with that? Is there a convincing rebuttal anywhere I can point them to? Not a Ben "Smug" Goldacre one if poss.

The deal is that it doesn't, further studies (fairly recently) have proven it doesn't and the Lancet is very, very sorry.

That's what I thought, but they were saying "yeah but then some other doctors picked up his research and did better studies and there was something to it after all dun dun dun!". They're a bit given to conspiracy theory stuff.

Anyway ta for the links. [edit: hoo boy. Look at the comments

]

MaliA · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:19

kalmar wrote:

That's what I thought, but they were saying "yeah but then some other doctors picked up his research and did better studies and there was something to it after all dun dun dun!". They're a bit given to conspiracy theory stuff.

Tricky one, isn't it? On one hand, one supposes that they are trying to act with the best of intentions as regards the offspring's health (and quite rightly so), so one can't really go "wtf? lol" at them for wanting to do that. On the other hand, there's been so much stuff about how this vaccination scare was wrong it's hard to ignore, but throw enough shit and some sticks I guess. So hmm.

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:29

I'll check with the wife, but I'm pretty sure that if you don't vaccinate your kid and it gets ill, you can get properly in the shit for it.

romanista · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:32

Wogan'sTrouserBulge wrote:

You forgot:

"Acquire a new level of self-importance. You're the first person in the world to ever have a baby. Act like it. You're better than everyone else now."

that's just a small phase, get used too..

You're the least important person in the household to your wife: first the kids, then the cat, than she, and then you might be interesting, if you're not just used as a way to deviate annoyance...

kalmar · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:32

Yes, exactly Mali.
The thing that has swayed them is the anecdotal stuff from parents that reckon the vaccination immediately caused this or that horrible condition as a side-effect. As new parents that's obviously dynamite. And I wouldn't understand

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Grim... - I'm 100% sure that's what's technically known as "bollocks".

Zardoz · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:34

Just ask for the diluted version, maybe just the water itself.

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:35

Mr Kissyfur wrote:

Grim... - I'm 100% sure that's what's technically known as "bollocks".

Hmm, maybe. It fucking should be true, if it's not.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Wogan'sTrouserBulge wrote:

You forgot:

"Acquire a new level of self-importance. You're the first person in the world to ever have a baby. Act like it. You're better than everyone else now."

Maybe it's just your friensd and relatives, WTB?

I've met precisely one person in my entire life who was like that (a co-worker who was generally an insufferably smug prick anyway), and she did it to me even after I'd had kids too.

Grim... wrote:

Hmm, maybe. It fucking should be true, if it's not.

Er, no. It shouldn't. e.g. egg allergies prevent you from having flu vaccines.

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:39

Mr Kissyfur wrote:

Grim... wrote:

Hmm, maybe. It fucking should be true, if it's not.

Er, no. It shouldn't. e.g. egg allergies prevent you from having flu vaccines.

Alright, "choose not to vaccinate your kids against the advice of your doctor".

Is one of your allergic to eggs, then? I bet that's a pisser.

Sam's allergic to penicillin, which I can see being a pain in the arse. Could grow out of it, though.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Grim... wrote:

Mr Kissyfur wrote:

Grim... wrote:

Hmm, maybe. It fucking should be true, if it's not.

Er, no. It shouldn't. e.g. egg allergies prevent you from having flu vaccines.

Alright, "choose not to vaccinate your kids against the advice of your doctor".

Given how fucking retarded many doctors are, I'd not want to risk prison for disagreeing with a cretin. What if they advise one thing and another doctor something else? e.g. we have a doctors surgery locally which don't believe in antibiotics or vaccinations. They like homeopathy instead.

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:41

Mr Kissyfur wrote:

Given how fucking retarded many doctors are, I'd not want to risk prison for disagreeing with a cretin.

I was talking more about social services type of trouble.
I'm not doing very well at writing what I mean today, am I?

Also - aren't there guidelines and shit that doctors have to follow?

Kern · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:43

What about someone from a quirky religious sect who would rather their infant die then accept medical intervention?
*gets can-opener, opens tinned worms*

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

Kern wrote:

What about someone from a quirky religious sect who would rather their infant die then accept medical intervention?
*gets can-opener, opens tinned worms*

Ah, Darwinism.

Grim... · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:43

Kern wrote:

What about someone from a quirky religious sect who would rather their infant die then accept medical intervention?
*gets can-opener, opens tinned worms*

Same thing, only more severe I guess.

MaliA · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:47

Kern wrote:

What about someone from a quirky religious sect who would rather their infant die then accept medical intervention?
*gets can-opener, opens tinned worms*

IIRC, the law has now been changed to cover this.

Kern · **Posted:** Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:47

Grim... wrote:

Same thing, only more severe I guess.

I suppose the difference is that vaccination could be taken to be a longterm health benefit, and we could hope that the kid gets lucky and avoids measles, whilst blood transfusions etc are direct, life-saving interventions with immediate results.

I would consider not seeking urgent medical attention a form of neglect - does the law think the same?

EDIT Yes, if I've read Malia's post correctly

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Grim... wrote:

Is one of your allergic to eggs, then? I bet that's a pisser.

Nah, it was soething raised after that girl died who didn't have the flu vaccine. Sam's allergic to coconut (he's literally one in a million), hazlenut and cats.

Quote:

Sam's allergic to penicillin, which I can see being a pain in the arse. Could grow out of it, though.

I think Craster is as well. Or at least one of my real life friends is.

Grim... wrote:

Mr Kissyfur wrote:

Given how fucking retarded many doctors are, I'd not want to risk prison for disagreeing with a cretin.

I was talking more about social services type of trouble.

Well, still, I'm pretty sure "not doing anything illegal" with regards to your children isn't grounds for taking our kids off you. Plenty of people don't get their kids vaccinated.

Quote:

I'm not doing very well at writing what I mean today, am I?

It was more me not interpreting it correctly, to be fair.

Quote:

Also - aren't there guidelines and shit that doctors have to follow?

Sort of.

Be Excellent To Each Other

"You wouldn't understand"

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