Be Excellent To Each Other

I thought we'd pool knowledge about how to get by in domestic emergency situations, and information of how to cope when you don't have the branded goods. Sometimes, you don't need the branded goods. I'll even put some in quotes, so you can skip right to it.

As I'm awesome, it'll be dead easy. Other awesome can be added to the thread by other people, as we like to deal with problems as they arise. Planning ahead is for people that worry to much and spend most of their time sober. Losers.

I'll begin with the horriblest of jobs.

Cleaning the Oven

Ovens get very dirty. Everyone hates cleaning them, as it is a rubbish job and takes ages. These people are idiots. You aren't ,as you have me to help. Here is how to do it double quick awesome:




From Somewhere else

Immac/Veet will remove nicotine stains from your fingers.

Biological washing powder can be used to clear kitchen pipes blocked with fat.

If a screw comes loose or you strip the thread, a matchstick in the hole gives it something to bind to again. This information brought to you via a party at Mrs Kissyfur's parents' house circa 1995.

Not a terribly permanent fix, mind.

I know a better way to clean your oven: Move house.

Buy a decent screwdriver set. Most things can be solved with screwdrivers

A fun time was had by all!

More by some than others. Sticking on "Wake Up Boo" at full volume at 5am the morning after a party does not endear you to your fellow party goers.

Don't forget the banging of saucepans with wooden spoons.

If there was one thing I learnt at Cubs and Scouts it's that thoroughness is important. Also, keep your woggle tightly drawn at all times.

So you've a duvet which you can't get into your duvet cover. Do not despair, Lord Kern has the solution.

1) Turn the duvet cover inside out
2) Spread the duvet cover over your bed
3) Place the duvet on top of the inside-out cover
4) Starting from the end (ie sealed/non-open end) of the duvet cover, roll the bundle together
5) When you reach the end, you should be able to turn the roll inside out, seal the duvet inside the duvet cover, and have everything fitting together neatly.

I need to try this.

The final stage is hard to describe, but if you've rolled it you should be able to turn it on itself and seal it. But it works!

Hmm... perhaps I should do a video explaining this critical final stage.

I can visualise it, but my mind may be ignoring some important laws of physics. I probably shouldn't wake Miss Malabar up to try this, should I?

What I do is turn the cover inside out, and then put my arms in and grab the far corners (one with each hand) then, with my arms still inside the cover, grab the corners of the quilt, and then turn the cover the right way round, by pulling the corners back through the opening and it's all sorted.

Malc

Your mother is blocked and fat.



Grab the far corners in each hand, then keep the middle of the duvet in the middle of the cover by BITING ONTO IT and holding it there, slowly soaking with your slobber, while your other half quickly finishes tucking it into the rest of the cover.

I do that too, very curious about Kern's method though. It kind of sounds like it somehow defies the laws of physics, but I'm now tempted to try it.

Does that really work?

I've tried lemon juice, pumice stones and bloody everything. I'm glad that it's winter so that I can hide my tramp finger...

If it's successful I'll give you 240,000,000 bananas.

Gash
x

Or if it's summer and you have a floor standing oscillating fan just turn the fan on, let it blow up the cover then simply insert the duvet. Much easier.

As for cleaning out the oven? steam cleaner with 25% lemon juice.

Soda crystals solve 94% of life's problems.

http://www.thegreenstoreonline.co.uk/de ... x/Page/178

It's not on that list for some reason... but if you are pounced on by your Nemesis whilst out for a stroll at night you can fling soda crystals in his eyes and then lance him through the heart flesh with your cane-sword whilst he rolls in agony.

You are Dave from the Rummer Tavern and I claim my £5.

Get a cleaner.

A cleaner what?

Oven

It's much easier to pick up frozen dog shit.

So dog owners, clean up your garden in winter.

Or just train your dog to eat its own shit - clean your garden and halve your dogfood bills in one easy stroke!

If you got it to eat shit & die you'd have no bills or shite

UNLESS it's frozen to the ground, in which case, it isn't.

I miss my dog, but not picking up a dust pan full of doggie turds from my garden every day. That dog would not crap anywhere but our garden. We could take him out for walks for hours and he'd still be desperate to get into the garden to drop a load as soon as we got back.

[[/quote] UNLESS it's frozen to the ground.[/quote]
Poppie only shits on the flags, the lawn is fenced off, so don't really have that problem. She also likes to shit in the park.

Don't we all.

Nothing like the thrill of being chased off the bowling green with a dirty bot bot.

Okay, I ended up with a giant triangle that took ten minutes to untangle. More practice needed, I reckon!

Oh I tried that the other day - it worked very well, though I do not feel strong enough to lift the duvet alone, so manoeuvring the rolled up bundle was a bit achey.

An alternative for unblocking pipes, caustic soda crystals, poured down plug hole, leave for as long as possible, poor boiling water down. NaOH saponifies the fats, turning them to soap so they wash away easily. Note, NaOH will also do this to the fats in your skin, do not fget it on your hands, wash immediately if you do. Do not swallow, do not get in eyes. Make sure you thoroughly rinse the bath before getting in it if you do this also!

NaOH dissolving in water is an exothermic reaction, so add small amounts of it to large volumes if water.

Basically (well played -Ed), add the crystals to the water, not the water to the crystals.

s'fine, they are all down the plug hole!
Also, you should be ashamed for that "basically" gag.

I have today discovered that a low effort way of cleaning your oven is to pay someone £45 to come round and do it.

I'm going for a more drastic approach. I'm giving mine away.

(the place I'm moving to already has one and it's bound to be cleaner than mine)

I cleaned ours not so long back then put oven liner on the bottom. It's a very good idea and saves a lot of faff.

Is that just tin foil?

Nope it's this thick black plasticky stuff like so:

http://www.google.co.uk/products/catalo ... 8wIwADgA#p

Why isn't it just tin foil?

The root problem here is: why would I care if the inside of my oven is dirty?

The instructions that came with our oven specifically tell you not to do that, not sure why, whether it affects the heat flow around the oven or what?

Because eventually, you're going to be asked to clean it. Also, smoke.

I have a 3 pronged approach to tackling all domestic and household chores.

1) I pay for a cleaner to do my bit of the cleaning.
2) I have the ability to nag/guilt trip my husband into eventually doing most everything else.
3) Anything else that needs doing clearly isn't important and can be ignored.

/fetches cigarettes

But not WHILE you're cleaning it, in case of a gas leak, obv.

[Edit] Ignore last advice if oven is powered by the electrickery.

Dish washer or Clothes washer?

In theory a clean oven can actually make your food taste better. Although a study is required to prove it.