Be Excellent To Each Other

Right, since it was taking over the Monday thread, I shall create one just for the speech thang.

I am a Best Man on Saturday for my friend's wedding. It's the third time I've been asked to be Best Man, so I'm familiar with the speeches and looting the internet for jokes. However, i don't just want to recycle the ones from the previous two speeches (especially since some of the same people will be there).

Does anyone have any good generic gags or jokes that they have seen work? If so, feel free to share the wealth.

For the record, the speech is already looking okay... but any additions might be awesome for me (and for Bobbyaro, him being the other Best Man).

'I'd like to thank Ginsters for making me the man I am today'.

Shamelessly stolen from Bubblegun:

TEN THINGS PROBABLY NOT TO SAY DURING A WEDDING SPEECH IF YOU’RE THE BEST MAN

10. “I am the new flesh!”
9. “I’ll kill you all!”
8. "I'm not who you think I am...”
7. “Piss fuck bollocks wank shit fuck fuck fuck fuck
f-f-f-f-fa-fa-fuck-fuck.”
6. “The groom probably doesn’t remember that time when we were 13 and we tossed each other off in his bathroom, but I certainly do...”
5. “My eyes... they burn!”
4. “I haven’t written a speech.”
3. “I wish the bride and groom were both dead.”
2. “Here are three words you’re all familiar with: ugly fat bitch.”
1. “The bride probably doesn’t remember that time when we were 19 and we tossed each other off in her living room, but I certainly do...”

"...many years ago [brides name here]'s parents were putting her to bed with a dummy in her mouth. Funny how time's don't change, isn't it?"

Although I can't recall if the 'in her mouth' bit is what I said or not. I'm undecided as to whether it's funnier with that bit in or not. Mind you, I think leaving it out, keeps it cleaner and then you can work out who the real dirty pervs are.

Also, don't use cards as this makes delivery unnatural.

"It's a tradition for the Best Man at a wedding to give a speech full of jokes to lighten the mood. The only reason I can think of for this is that the groom is secretly crying into his pint about his lost freedom and desperately needs cheering up. With that in mind, I've decided not to do any jokes and instead just point and laugh at him."

That's oh-so-tempting!

You must be a really great guy!

Or lots of other people declined the offer.

Your mate must be a twat

I've been best man twice.

Which lead, for a while, for me to name my spaceships in internet spaceships 'Forever the Bridesmaid'. For a while. Then I used watership down names.

Yes I am... just don't listen to the other nasty people.

"I'd like to start proceedings off on a cultured, intelligent footing, and quote Shakespeare. Today we come not to praise the Groom, but to bury him."

The grrom introduced my speech thusly:



No pressure there, then.

He should have said "Let's hope that what happened to him doesn't happen to MaliA after he's finished his speech."

Heh.

The head Bridesmaid was well fit and I probably WOULD have made a play for her, had the now ex Mrs A not been Mrs A at the time. I always feel more comfortable in a suit, I'm like a less suave, drunken James Bond.

Bonus points if you close the speech with 'be excellent to each other'.

And do a Bridesmaid.

x4 multiplier if done simultaneously.

Alas, my feyonce is not a bridesmaid, so I shall have to decline your challenge.

Though the BETEO thing would be amusing (to me and Bobby).

It's actually hurting me to suppress laughing at this at work.

A couple of lines I did and got a good response...

"I note that with them living together, the Groom has taken up DIY. And if you have seen his work, I think you can agree that he has taken to it like a duck to petrol."

"They bonded over a mutual love of computer games. Many a night they would shout and compete and argue and cry and throw tantrums, only stopping when she let him win."

"It's nice for [groom] to finally admit that I am, after all, the best man."

You were supposed to have written this weeks ago!! FFS get a move on!

Yeah. It is SO unlike me to be lazy...

I am so just going to stand up and say, over to you and sit back down.

I'VE GOT IT!

You stand up and say that.

I stand up and say, "But I thought you were writing the speech!"

Then we have an argument.

What more fitting way to celebrate this particular wedding than with a pointless fight?

[/clique]

My amusing mate Bobby said, "When John phoned me to ask me to be his best man I thought, wow! Business is really picking up here at Rent-A-Best-Man, I'll be able to afford those loan repayments now!"

I don't have any jokes, but make sure you win something on the day.

Tell the joke about the man who's walking along the cliffs of Dover and finds the little girl alone, crying.

And then describe the mother of the bride as being so ugly, 'she made Ray Charles flinch'.

I have not heard this joke.

You are kidding?!

No. I am not. Genuinely never heard it before. Of course, if there's a hidden joke within the seemingly set-up sentence then please reveal that too, as I was up late last night partying at an indie gig and consequently feel very slow today.

No, it's a joke, but it's quite a long one and I can't find anywhere to copy paste it from. Anyone?

The Bad Taste Little Girl At Cliff Edge Joke:



Needless to say, perfect for a wedding.

I think that might be used... though in reference to the groom.

Then the other Best Man could say

Oh... another thread brought back from the dead.

Right, I'm trying to write a best man's speech and I've just found out (hurrah for Wikipedia!) that the groom shares his birthday (even the year) with a noted model. I feel obliged to somehow work this in, but can't come up with anything better than '...and I know who I'd rather see naked'. Anyone?

...only "Why did it have to be HIM I saw naked..."

...the only modeling he's done was Airfix.

Yes! That's brilliant!

Thanks.

£2 plz

How much of 'The Aristocrats' can I work into this damn thing?

Good luck today, Kern.