Be Excellent To Each Other

OK so this thread is a thread about what the title says it is about. I'll start us off with two examples, for you to get the idea with, and shit.

1: Wrong Pop

My Mum is Irish.... "Mrs. Doyle" Irish. You can't just sit there, she has to offer you stuff or she'll BURST INTO FIRE. Once it was hot and I was sat there minding my own business, she offers me a Coke. 'No ta, Mum - it's a bit sugary at the moment' and true enough, pop makes my teeth furry and if I can't be arsed to clean my teeth ten minutes later I don't bother with the stuff. So next time I'm back home what's she got? Diet Coke. Slight bleh but each to their own, thinketh I, 'enjoying' a can or two eventually out of thirst, but one evening I'm about to hit the hay and she offers me one. 'No thanks, Mum - the caffeine will keep me awake'. Next time I visit home, what's in the fridge? Caffeine free Diet Coke. Fuck's sake.

It's still there I think, this was all about four years ago.

2: Penguins

I like Penguins, they are brilliant. So now I've got novelty penguin mugs that spill hot coffee down my shirt, penguin cartoon DVDs, Morgan Freeman penguin DVDs, a penguin full of marshmallows, every anniversary sees penguin cards on my shelf, etc.

The thing is, I just like actual penguins - you know, the bird. Nowadays Mrs. GY I think tends to pre-warn penguin tat purchasers.



So that's the thread - are you an Alfa enthusiast who has a houseful of shit with Alfa logos on he or she does not need or want but can't chuck due to their present nature? Are you my childhood friend Richard, who took a girl on a date to the Carebear movie when young and then vocally agreed with her about how amazig it was in front of his parents, only to return from a weekend away to find a newly decorated Carebear bedroom? This is not a thread for ungratefulness, merely incredulity and mirth.

Post that shit, boyee.

Kids.

Yup.

Presents from the folks certainly fall into this category. I remember when both the Star Wars prequels and the first Lord of the Rings film came out my mother decided I would like loads and loads of books about these things for Christmas; like the big Dorling Kindersley technical books and graphical designs and stuff. Sure, I read LotR when I was twelve and enthused about it endlessly, and Stars Wars was my 'best thing ever' back in the eighties, but really, as a twenty-something at the time I really wasn't interested in all the merchandising and paraphernalia shite. Still, they meant well, so I gratefully accepted it all but it went straight into the bookshelves and was never looked at again. Shame.

My brother used to like the music of Morrissey about... a decade ago, I guess. Not as a big fan; he was just listening through the albums at the time (before MP3s and Spotify and stuff, when CDs were more 'valuable'). Eventually my brother's tastes changed as he diversified his listening, and developed indifference towards Mozzer's music. This turned to the reaction most sane people have towards Morrissey, i.e. hatred of the big-chinned warbling immigrant-bashing queen ponce. Unfortunately, our dad is unable to grasp the basic concept that people's tastes and interests change. So for virtually every Christmas since, he has given my brother a Morrissey DVD, CD album or shockingly homoerotic calendar as a present. Great!!

Presents.

Just presents, in general. I genuinely would prefer that people do not buy me things. I don't like it, it's awkward and weird, and the only things I like are things I already have enough of, so I'll never get round to using them anyway. It's compounded when people get you things you either don't like, or just know you'll never use. Especially when people buy me new things, because the one I have is old and worn. I can afford new stuff now. If I haven't bought a new x, it's because I still like my old x.

The worst part is that if you say this, some people - rather absurdly - take is as being ungrateful. Or worse, they think you don't actually mean it, and are in fact secretly want presents and are just playing some stupid kind of bullshit game like a teenaged girl in a badly written film.

My sister's the worst - she's obsessed with buying presents, and always buys everyone heaps of them, and forces them to go through a big song and dance with unwrapping and candles and having to repeatedly say "ooh. it is a thing. thank you." Don't even get me started on christmasses with the family. Start the day by waking everyone up for no fucking reason, and then expect us to act grateful? I've faked everything short of a death in the family to get out of it, and only short of that because it would probably be exposed rather quickly.

I am genuinely dreading my next birthday. If work wasn't so busy I'd have booked a holiday to avoid the whole charade.

My dad, bless him, has a habit of buying me books that I couldn't possibly want to read. The worst incident of this I can remember was some kind of annual or something for the alleged 'comedy' The Brittas Empire. I couldn't even feign pleasure at receiving that... I may have hurt the poor guys feelings with my "what the fuck is this?"-esque response.

Talking of Irish generosity, my ex was telling me about the time she took our baby daughter round to see her very Irish grandad. He kept offering to get to get some chocolate biscuits for our little girl, so the ex had to keep pointing out to him that out that our daughter was barely a year old and too young for chocolate. At one point she left her in his care whilst she went to the loo, only to find on her return our daughter busy smearing an entire Wagon Wheel over her face.

Every Christmas I get the latest Family Guy boxset and a Terry Pratchett book off my mum, neither of which I've had any interest in for several years. I still appreciate it, of course, but parents do have a tendency to latch onto things and never let go.

All of this.

My sister is exactly the same, except she buys tat. I know she means well, as it's usually stuff that has a meaning to it. For example, when we were quite young, we drove as a family up to Edinburgh. As we entered Scotland, my Dad warned us to watch out for wild Haggis roaming the fields and I bought it, hook line and sinker.

So, over 20 years later my sister, for my 30th birthday buys me... a Haggis moneybox. MrsP was mystified. To be honest, so was I. I don't know why she does it. I've tried explaining to her that I'm a grown man and I don't need a box of toys for Christmas, but still they come. *sigh*

On the other hand, MrsP and I were in a present-buying arms race for a while, probably triggered by me buying her an Xbox1 back in the day. It's escalated over the years. She bought me a Creative Zen, I bought her a netbook, she got me an ereader, I got her an engagement ring*. It culminated with her buying us a trip to New York** and we've now called a cease fire. A nice box of chocs for her birthday this year, I reckon.

*Ha! Top that!

**Oh yeah, I'm off to New York in just over a week. x200

After shave. The clue is the hair all over my face you stupid cunts.

That's about it though - I'm pretty clear about what I want for presents etc (see peas) and most people tend to go with it. Apart from the Mother-in-law who refuses to buy me anything of a "space invaders" nature.

Fucking ungrateful bastards.

Not everything I get from people is stuff I want but if someone has gone out of their way to buy or even make something for me, it puts a smile on my face at the very least. It just shows that they care and think about you or experiences that you've shared together.

Anyway, buy me stuff.

After having read further:

I know I sound ungrateful, but every birthday/xmas, it's the same carrier bag full of tat. I'd prefer it if she gave me one thing. Usually, somewhere in the pile there'll be the proper present, the one she's thought about, but it seems like she wraps that present, panics, thinks it's 'not enough' and runs back to the pound shop. Bless her.

I feel the same as Sinister. I know people care about me, so I'd rather they asked me what I want instead of buying me random stuff. Example? Mum bought me Band of Brothers blu ray for my 30th. Perfect. My brother? Indoor skydiving. Can't wait.

Odor control. Take the hint.

A big hearty Fuck You to the people claiming that extra unwanted shite in the world is somehow a good thing.

Rubbish taking up space in landfill because someone couldn't be arsed to actually find out what you would like as a present is in no way a good thing.

It wouldn't be in landfill if you changed your tastes!

Sheesh, some people.

About seven years ago Grandma asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I quite liked Blackadder, so I asked for that. But then a day later I thought, "Argh, no - what if she gets me Blackadder Back and Forth', the terrible time travelling one off? I better warn her not to get that one. And then I further thought, if I warn her not to get that one, she'll be constantly thinking 'Back and Forth, Back and Forth' and she WILL get confused and get me that one. If I keep quiet, I've got a four out of five chance that she won't get me that one.

She got me that one.

It's still unfunny shite.

Also, the Little Britain scripts she got me. Great, now I can be quietly angry at low quality crassness in hardback form, too.

She does get me whiskey on occasion though. And I do love Christmas. Everyone just ask for whiskey, what's the problem?

The stuff we don't want gets carbooted, returned for store credit or given to people we know who'd appreciate it. I really don't see it as a problem.

My future mother and father in law (although, I suspect more mother) has bought me smart T shirts for the last couple of birthdays. Nothing wrong with this.. it's just the only T shirts I wear involve wrestling/video games etc.

Still, I appreciate the thought.

Z, you really a sensitive soul.

You'd never think it to look at you though.

Time travellers?! Get them to bring you an Xbox 720!1111!!! or a Nintendo Shiite.

The demand has been created for it at the point of sale so another one gets made (unless you return it for store credit natch) therefore sending the earth into a spiral of destruction that you and only you have created.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY PLANET KILLER.

Ok, I'll shut down my tat factories. What the fuck am I going to do with all these kids though? Can they be reduced down to soap?

That should save the planet just enough FOR YOU TO RUN YOUR BLOODY MONSTER CAR!

Once my mom was getting out her car in town and someone said to her "What year is this?"

He meant the car but I insisted he was from the future.

Anyway... carry on!

I cycled to a clients on Tuesday to save the planet. The Z4 lease was up back in May so we're a one car family.

So I've saved enough CO² to offset your rampant consumerism. Send me some after shave to thank me ta.

One Christmas (when I was about 20 and back from University for the Christmas break) my mother was incredibly excited about a certain "special gift". She explained that she had had to make special arrangements to get it in time and she was worried that she may not have it in time for the big day. I was grateful but told her not to worry about getting it on time, however the week leading up to Christmas Day was full of whispered phone conversations and sudden late evening "popping outs".

Naturally I was becoming rather intrigued about what the hell it was. My mother didn't have a lot of money and I was growing increasingly baffled about what it could be - I really didn't have a clue. On Christmas Eve it still hadn't arrived and my mother was growing increasingly edgy. Around 6 p.m. there was a knock at the door baring the mystery gift. I could hear my mother repeatedly thanking the woman who brought it around, telling her "she owed her one" and it had "made her Christmas". What the hell was it?

Christmas morning and my mother had to go to work for a few hours (down a pit or something). I was greeted with the mother of all gifts. I was given a small soft package which I spent some polite time shaking and musing (as I had by that time already had one ninth of a degree) about what it could be. I eventually unwrapped it to reveal a long black hold-all folded down. There didn't seem to be anything in it. Perhaps guessing that I wasn't fully appreciating what I was seeing my mother told me to "look at the end". Sure enough at one of the flat ends of the hold all was some mock-handwritten yellow threading spelling the word "Craig".

It was a black hold-all with my name stitched on it.

Now I have been told that I am hopeless at pretending I like gifts which I really don't. It wasn't that I didn't like the gift - everyone needs more bags - I just couldn't really understand what all the fuss had been about, betrayed by my look of unwilling bemusement. Still I did my best. Back at Uni my housemates took some amusement in using it whenever they had to go somewhere. They found it quite funny to have a personalised bag with a name on it that wasn't theirs.

Aww that's really sweet. My Nana was like that. You would go to her house and she would offer you a glass of orange squash and a cheese sandwich.

You had no choice.. You HAD to accept. She would keep asking over and over otherwise.

When you finally agreed you would get a glass of squash that was like, 50-50 water and squash and a sandwich with about 1" of cream cheese in.

Whilst gross it was actually quite warming. Simply because you knew that she was spoiling the shit out of you. How? because she went through the war and suffered from the rationing.

Those sort are a dying breed mate. Your Mum sounds like a real sweetheart who does everything she can to make you happy. That's so awesome

I once went to Ireland. It was a double date kind of deal (my mate was Irish and was seeing this lass over there so he set me up with her mate and we went over on 'holiday' haha). I've never felt so welcomed or looked after in my life. Was Co Leitrim somewhere IIRC. Mohill? something like that.

I'm in the "people, please stop buying me things" camp. Especially true of my mum and step-dad, who are finally stopping doing the "tonnes of 'hilarious' tat" thing. I don't want it, they can't really afford it, and the planet's running out of holes for us to cram it in (though BP seem to have done a good job making us a new one). I know people like buying stuff for people, but I'm stupidly hard to buy for so all that happens is everyone (including me) gets really stressed about it.

Of such small incidents, serial killers are made.

I felt really bad a couple of years ago when my mum bought me a gift voucher for the theatre. I seldom go, mainly as I never know what's on until it's either closed or sold out, and never feel comfortable going alone.*

Still, finally used it to see the Simon Callow thing, so it was a good gift in the end. But drinking or book tokens would have been used up quicker.



* Awww...

Last Christmas my parents got me a set of 3 white polyester handkerchiefs and Mrs Squirt got a "jacks" game, with a little rubber ball and some metal caltrop thingies. I have no idea what inspired that. Odd thing is, the year before they were hugely generous with some cash and some really good homeware stuff. I've given up pretending to understand them.

About the only things I get that I really don't want are novelty ties and socks. Can't stand them and everybody knows I can't stand them, which is why they buy them for me. So every year I end up donating the latest Christmas "haul" to a local charity.

That was an excellent story though

Yeah, that's a cracker. Must have sent your mind racing wondering what was being planned.

I think it runs in the family. When I was about nine my Nan gave me a wrapped birthday gift for my mother. I had already presented my mother with my own carefully selected item (probably a Freddie Starr album) so it looked odd that I suddenly arrived with another hitherto unannounced package. So it was as much of a surprise to me when my mother opened the gift to find...



Naturally I was doubled over in hysterics fueled as much by my mother's expression then the gift itself. Maybe the bag was pay back?

Mum is excellent and you are utterly correct. I just find that when I'm home I feel constantly bloated and sick from all the goodies I'm forced. How we laughed when I took a girl with Crohn's disease to meet her and we couldn't go home because I didn't drive and she was a hundred different flavours of massively ill :/

The other thing Mum does is tidy. You can be in the spotless living room, reading a magazine. Woe betide you if you set it down on the sofa in the empty room to go for a shit, it'll be closed and on the bed in the bedroom when you return!

Me = 14st. Me after getting off the boat in May 08 = 11.5st.

It's not through eating badly either as I utterly refuse to eat greasy shit, but more of eating things in a desperate hurry to stop them going bad.

The only times in my life people have actually bought me stuff i would/did want or use:

My husband buying me a kindle for my birthday.
My husband surprising me with an iphone for christmas
Best mate sent me a book of all the Father Ted screenplays for birthday
Friends who are smart enough to just give me beer for my birthday


Every other time, just a pile of disappointment that makes me wonder if my friends/family actually think they know me. My mum is still obsessed with giving me things I'd have liked as a child. Yes mum, I loved sesame street as a child. Now? I do not need any more tshirts with childrens television characters.

Just once I'd like someone to give me a meaningful gift. How about paying attention to the books/authors I love and finding a nice first edition or a signed copy? How about a dvd set of my favourite tv programs as I am a habitual ninja downloader and rarely buy the dvd's for myself.

But really stop giving me shite i don't need or want. I don't get it.

Bloke I met last year happened to notice a girl paying attention to a particular pair of shoes while she was out with her friends and he'd happened to run into them. A couple of months later, he came to her house at christmas with no present (which wasn't a huge deal - presents were a bit sporadic most ways), and spent a lovely evening there. When she went off to the bog or something, he snuck off to his car, and came in with these shoes, in her size, wrapped in a box in her favourite colour. He'd intended to sneak them under the tree, but had no opportunity (had I known him better, I'd have offered a diversion, but hey ho).

This, coupled with the screamingly obvious fact that he was besotted with her, and appeared by all accounts to have much more in common with her, left me feeling honour bound to stand aside. It was by far the best giving of a gift I've ever seen, and only by snide or sabotage, or the technicality that I was there first, would I have seen him off after that.

Naturally, this gesture was later thrown back in my face by the lady in question, in a manner that pushed me to pretty much fuck her and her toxic friendship off for good, but hey ho.

I've had another thought. It's not novelty ties or socks I'm given that I hate most, but books that people lend me that really pisses me off, for three reasons:

1) The book is probably crap.
2) You feel some obligation to read it.
3) The tosser who lent it to you is bound to want some conversation about it.

Today is a case in point. I've been lent a book called "The Secret History of the World". Christ this looks bad. A sort of amalgamation of the worst conspiracy theories combined with an embossed recommendation on the front from the Daily Mail that says, "The most controversial book of the year".

I skipped to the last page, and it says:



I haven't read it, and yet I know this is going to be a pile of fucking bollocks.

FUCK!

For the hell of it, I once went to the conspiracy section of the town library and resolved to read the book with the best title. I picked one called 'Who built the moon?'

Ugh. I've had this with DVDs before. For politeness' sake I ended up swapping some because I'd said I would while drunk (thank god that's all I said), and now I feel I have to sit through them, or I'll (a) be obviously rude and (b) never get my DVDs back.

They could well be quite good, to be fair, but I just cannot be arsed.

Bonus points for comedy if the catastrophe turns out to be "The moon is going to crash into Dunstable", though.

Scroogenomics - Why you shouldn't buy presents for the holidays

Because it destroys value! No one not working from a list can ever make as much 'use' of the money as you would, as people consistently undervalue their presents when asked afterwards, even the ones they liked. And giving cash or vouchers is socially awkward a lot of the time so he doesn't recommend that either. I'm with him.

That actually makes a lot of sense.

I give out a list and still get stuff I don't want off it.
One year I got a tyre pump for the car that pumps up your tyres using the lighter socket, but my lighter socket didn't work, so it sat there unused. I then got a car with a lighter socket that did work, and for the next Christmas got a manual foot pump. I still haven't used either.

Also, dusters. Bloody hundreds of them. I have to actually put on my list "no deodorant" as if I keep getting those shitty gift sets, I will soon need to buy another cupboard. I have enough to fill the Hindenburg. Nor do I use aftershave.