Be Excellent To Each Other

I think (from the bottom up) toasted sesame seed bun, ketchup, onion (the kind that kicks your face off, rather than just has a faint onion taste), burger (medium-rare, but good and cooked on the outside), cheese (not fucking cheddar - good cheese slices will do), another burger, cheese again, bacon (streaky and cooked until it doesn't bend), mayo, lettuce and bun lid.

SOME FOOLS suggest that there should be no bacon, or worse, fucking avacado. Or egg. EGG? BUTTER?

What goes in your perfect burger? I recognise that some of you would take the actual burger out, which is fine if that's the sort of thing you like.

My perfect burger would be (going top down, as a kind of word to pictorial diagram):

ciabatta roll
swiss cheese
Decent quality veggie burger
Bottom of ciabbatta roll

I don't like ketchups and that kind of stuff, really. Also, even the thought of Mayo makes me feel yuck.

I like lettuce, but not when it is in anything warm I can't stand warm limp salad

That sounds about right, but hold the mayo. Can't stand the stuff.

Lightly-toasted ciabatta roll
Ketchup.
Spicy mexican bean burger
Fresh onion
Branston's chilli relish
lettuce, fresh tomato slices
non-egg mayo
more roll.

I'd agree with Grim..., but without the onion.

Also, the meat. Anyone who uses lean mince to make a burger should have their eyeballs cut out. The number of barbecues I've been to where people have offered their 'delicious homemade burgers' that taste of absolutely fuck all.

Isn't that just white paste?

I'm pretty sure it's just oil.

Isn't most salad dressing? I don't want rancid egg anywhere near it, that's all.

You're broken.

Indeed. Also: dry as fuck.

You're the one that wants an eyeball burger!

You've got Mexicans in yours!

The kids from Keenan and Kel on Nickelodeon?

A large slap of meat, preferably at least half an inch thick. Ketchup, mayo, bacon, lettuce, and, if we're greedy, pineapple (but possibly not in that order). Importantly, it should be possible to hold it in the hands without suffering the humiliation of 'burger collapse'.

WTF PINEAPPLE?

This is turning into a proper bunfight.

You were doing so well.

Where does the group stand on pickles or mustard ?

Pickled jalepenos, sure. Anything else is going to be weird.

Mustard, save it for your bacon butty, it has no place in a burger.

Brown sauce in my bacon ("sandwich" - Ed). I don't fish gherkins out of my burger, I quite like them, but I wouldn't put them in the perfect one. They're just there to offset some of the saltiness, and I like saltiness.

But replace the ketchup with a chilli vareity.. for me.
Raw onion also works

I meant raw onion. Cooked onion is just a slimy mess.

I really like the gerkins they shove in McDonalds burgers. It's the one thing I like about their burgers.

For me, the Ulti-Burger would be, big sized beefy burger surrounded by lots of bacon, cheese slices, a bit of lettuce, onion, lashings of BBQ sauce wrapped in a toasted sesame seed bun. And if the MaccyD gerkins go okay with the BBQ sauce, shove them in. Yum!

veggy burgers taste more meaty than them. If I'm eating veggy burgers though, I like the ones that are obviously made of veg instead of pretend meat best.

I'm of the opinion that everything under the sun should be on offer, for you to apply yourself. As long as the burger is right, you can add your own pickles, relishes, and salads.

All the trimmings are entirely subjective.

Personally I find most shop bought sesame buns not robust enough so tend to make the dough in my bread maker and then make the baps myself. That way you can adjust the burger to fit the bread and the bread doesn't fall apart when you're half way through eating it.

I make my own burgers as well.

1.5lb Decent minced beef or lamb from a butcher - supermarket stuff is acceptable, but mince will always be better from a butcher.
2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped/crushed
1 egg (med)
half a small strong onion, finely chopped
.5 tsp of cayenne pepper
plenty of salt
pepper
1tsp of chopped thyme

Remember here folks seasoning is king - if you use lean mince from a supermarket it will be a) too lean and b) too fresh so season the fuck out of it.
Or.... GO TO A BUTCHERS and if you're really anal, buy rump steak and veal and cut it very finely by hand. Will take ages will taste awesome.

mix that lot together for your burgers, make into patties, cook the desired amount of time.

Decent bread rolls, slightly firmer in texture than most shop bought buns.
Tomato relish
Finely sliced salad onions that are strong but sweet.
some lettuce - not too much though
burger
cheese (any of the harder cheeses like jarlsberg, gouda, leerdammer, emmental)
sliced beef tomato
home made mayo (trust me this is soooo much tastier than anything you can buy anywhere)
Bacon is optional, but if you want it crispy cook it in the oven for half an hour, not in the pan.

nom nom nom

Also, ciabatta rolls - NO!

Aye. I think it's the meat that matters most in a burger, whether it be the quality of the cut, its size, or how cooked it is (not too rare, but softer than you'd have a steak, I think).

A large part of a burger being perfect is not having to make it myself


I've got to agree with this.

That bit of meat can be as good as you like, but if some cunt sticks a fried egg on top and pours guacamole all over it, it's not going to cut it.

I had an amazing burger on Thursday from Waitrose, it was a beef burger but also had chilli in it. The burger on Friday was also incredible from Gourmet Burger or whatever It was called. I had the Habanero burger. The chips we great as well, nice big chunky ones. You need good chips to make it a proper meal. Then some garlic mayo. Yum.
Yeah so basically for all your burger needs I recommend that restaurant

I hate when you get a lamb burger and it is seasoned or
mixed or served with mint. It lacks imagination. I like making home made lamb burgers and seasoning them with some nice spices and coriander.

For me, I like the sauce on their Big Tasty burger - what is that stuff?

This is a very good point.

So does putting a hunk of meat in a bun. Doesn't stop it being A Good Thing.

Hmm...
http://www.byronhamburgers.com/Find-Us/wardour-street/
This is apparently the best burger place in London.
Beex Meeat?

I just have an extreme dislike for mint and lamb together. I don't really know why but it annoys me.

Aye, but a hunk of meat is (hopefully) tasty, minted lamb is utter pish.

Aldi's Bestestest Range Aberdeen Angus burgers were the best, quality has dropped since launch.

I would have them on white barmcakes with extra mature cheddar melted on top, ketchup, jalepeno peppers and sliced gerkins.

Out in the wild I haven't eaten anything better than the Cafe Zeus combo: Cheese Burger with chili sauce and mayo. CHicken tikka pieces, red salt and spicy onion relish over fries.

A Big Mac and the Big Tasty are perfectly acceptable.

I will put well seasoned chips into a burger as I'm eating it. Om nom.

Best burger I've had in recent times. I'm partial the Gourmet Burger Kitchen ones too, particularly the garlic mayo and the avocado and bacon ones.

I had to google barms there, we call them bin lids in these parts.

It might be a lovely burger, but there's no excuse for making your food look like a puddle of vomit.

Anyone putting rancid processed cheese slices in a 'perfect' burger deserves to die a lonely, painful death.

And they probably will.

I could eat a cow right now.

Don't have a cow, man.

A decent-sized (8-10oz) cut of good fresh beef, ground, medium-rare and nicely charred. Jalapenos, thick crispy* bacon and chunky, thick blue cheese sauce. A slice of beef tomato, so long as it's lovely and firm and not juicy. All in a good, lightly-toasted white bun that won't go soggy. Maybe with a side of ketchup, or tomato and onion relish, for scoopy-dipping.

* Enough that the fat isn't chewy, my teeth are rubbish and having to grind through fat turns a burger into an explosion.

COWABUNGA!

I like the Big Tasty, but I find the Big Mac to be too sweet and with a bread:burger ratio that is too high.

Must say the best Burger I've had lately was from a standard chain pub (my new local). It was just cooked so you got no blood but all the fat. Basic cheese and bacon. Was amazing.

My Girlfriends however was even better. Her burger had half a deep fried camembert placed on top of it. NUMMA!

Quite right. Nice ones are hard to get outside of the US, though.

One of the best burgers I've had came from TJ's Burgers in Leicester. I don't think we've got any Leicester folk on the board, have we?

So fucking hungry.