Be Excellent To Each Other

"Try and take over the world"
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So, I've been thinking a lot about world domination recently. Well, hey. Spring rolls around, and a young man's thoughts naturally turn to crushing his enemies beneath his booted heel. Or women. I forget which. For the purposes of this thread we'll say it's the first one, as there's enough on the internet about womens' booted heels, thanks very much.

Ahem.

Anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about world domination recently. Some mates and I at university used to lie around on the grass playing a thought game whereby we each tried to defeat each other's plans for taking over the world. But that was just a game. Now? Well. Now I really want to take over the world, and teenaged plans based around creating an army of clones of Paddy Ashdown in a secret Antarctic lair don't really make the grade in the modern cut and thrust of global domination.

So I'm interested in your thoughts, people. You, the intelligent, devious, cunning genii that make up this board's populace. If you were to decide to take over the world, or a small part of it, or just a country or, hey, let's not exclude those with more modest ambitions, even just your local parish, how would you go about it?

I can see three basic methods of getting one's sticky mitts on power:

(1) The legitimate route. Our old pal Hitler had this one down cold. You use the mechanisms of state to get you where you want to go - and the populace will thank you for subjugating them! Genius! The downside to this is that in the early stages it involves a bit too much of the door to door "Helloooo, have you considered voting for the Mr Chris Evil Overlord party? We're in favour of keeping bin collections at once per week" stuff, and I'm chronically shy with strangers (unless I'm having them dipped into vats of boiling oil, in which case I'm much more chatty). So maybe that's not a goer.

(2) By force. Now we're talking. Gather your armies and steamroller over the opposition. Install yourself as the leader and wear a big uniform with lots of shiny medals on it for things like "Services to My Self", "Being the Greatest" and "The Who Da Man Medal Of Honour". However, one needs to aquire an army for this. I'm thinking that can either be done as part of route (1) (if you're using the army for a wider take-over of power than just the country), or, on a country level, by either (i) paying for an army or (ii) rabble-rousing and creating an armed insurrection. Once you've got your country, you step up military production and then move onto the bigger world stage.

(3) By being the power behind the throne - what I like to call the "Grand Vizier" route (mainly because I like the word "Vizier"). On this route one hitches one's cart to another man's donkey, as it were, so the other chap does all the leg work of getting into power. You can just subtly (or not so subtly, depending on what hold you have over your Manchurian Candidate) steer him or her in the route you want to go. What's more - no kissing babies for you! Just the harem and the money, and the satisfaction of being able to put your feet up at the end of a hard day's Viziering and have some hippies burnt alive in your mammoth fireplace. The downside to this route is that one needs to find the suitable donkey in the first place, and as the Labour Party has found, they're not exactly ten a penny. Maybe Hillary will be looking for a job?

So, give me you thoughts people. What's your route to power?*


*Please note that by sharing your route to power on this thread you agree that your idea may be mercilessly stolen by Mr Chris and used against you. Furthermore by reading this thread you hereby acknowledge and agree that Mr Chris will have no liability to you when his tanks roll through your place of residence, whether for personal inury or damage to your azaleas. Your evil empire may be at risk if you do not keep up payments to your henchmen.

Technology, man. Create something that enough people want (a teleporter would be a pretty good one) and do a Bill Gates.

Good idea, but I'm failing to see the fun in that, mind. Booted heels and the crushing therewith, see.

So, steal it from someone else then.

I will create a new cap for toothpaste tubes that dispenses the toothpaste through a flip-top triangular lid.

It will dispense a toblerone-shaped streak of toothpaste on your toothbrush and people will be so grateful for not having their toothpaste run off of the brush when they put it under the tap, due to the toothpaste's new aerodynamism that they will only ever buy my newly-lidded toothpaste tubes and I will be a meeelionaire.

That's actually a totally awesome idea for a product Mimi. Patent it, immediately. I'm serious! I'd buy the triangular toothpaste!

To answer Chris' original question, it has to be number 3. From the shadows man, I'm an illuminati through and through. Insinuate, manipulate, be everywhere and nowhere. Awesome.

My opinion might be slightly biased based on my love for Deus Ex.

You're the mafia don aren't you?

Malc

No, but you should keep speculation to the proper thread

well I would have done if I was being serious. It was just the manipulation thing.

Malc

Oh. I thought this thread would be about Pinky and the Brain, and then I could spew all kinds of cool trivia about Rob Paulsen (the voice of Pinky).

I don't think being a voice actor is a good way to world domination, though.

So is it really just me that wets the brush then squirts toothpaste on?

We've got some awesome new Aquafresh stuff that turns into masses of foam in your mouth. Well, awesome after you get used to needing a third the amount on the brush otherwise you gag constantly.

Perfect for looking like you have rabies!

Blue rabies, the deadliest kind!

I put the paste on my finger, then into my mouth, add some water, swill, then start brushing (with a brush)

Malc

Honestly, you people are going to be so easy to have thrown into The Scorpion Pit when I've beaten you to the throne.

Become a space pirate.

I do:

Brush under water > Toothpaste on brush > brush (and toothpaste) back under water > Brushing of Mimi's teeth commences.

I stick by this hard and fast and I (honestly) have never ever had a filling in any of my adult teeth (I had one in a baby tooth when I was younger, though) probably nothing to do of when I run my tap under the water, though Also: Turn the tap off whilst you are brushing to save water, people!

I've never had a filling either! Technically! My teeth were sealed as a nipper. Lucky am I!

I think my gums might be receding a bit though, my mouth was achey last night for no good reason (nothing too hot, cold or overly sugary) even after a brushing. Certainly not bad enough to rush to a dentist for the first time in 12 years over though, and it's pretty much back to normal again today. Maybe I was extra-dehydrated. I suffer that badly these days, and gums show it up quite quickly.

No! No dentite ramblings here, thank you! There's talk of that sort of thing on the bits and bobs thread. Here, we're (trying) to take over the world. Not find an NHS dentist (as comparable in difficulty as those two things may be).

You could be an NHS dentist, get one of those brushes that transmit music through your teeth into your brains, and reprogram it to brainwash the patients into voting for you (and tipping extravagently).

Can someone tell Mr Chris that CUS has hacked his account?


Disclaimer: This is not a personal attack on CUS, just an amusing reference. The prices of CUS may go up as well as down. No link with any CUS neither living or dead is implied. Your house is at risk if you ask CUS to deliver 80 litres of petrol to your house in wheely bins.

Well, the bit about the wheely bins is only too true, as chinnyhills 7 and 8* found out.

But a reference to what? Being evil? Eh? Tch.

* I can't believe it's taken me this long to think of this...

The fourth option, of course, is find something everyone else needs, and make sure they can only get it from you. Oil is quite clearly the obvious choice here.

I'd use my powers to have JK Rowling killed, that fucking bitch. Man, I hate JK Rowling. I'd like to see her burnt on a pyre of her £500 million fortune.

How do I make oil? I suppose I could have the peasants compressed for a very long time under hot millstones.



Let me get this straight. You've got hold of JK and her £500 million, and you burn the money?

I control the WORLD, do you think I give a shit about a measely bit of kiddy-book cash? Ha!

Find a tree. Sit on it. Wait.

@ Comical

Hold your horses there sunshine - HOW did you get to rule the world? That's what we're focusing on here.

What you do with all that power once you've got it is, I can assure you (and Mrs Thatcher, oh yes), not something I need help with.

I'ld be google.

If any group has the power to take over the world it's probably them.

Vizier style of course. Hell they might already be doing it! RUN FOR THE HILLS TURN OF YOUR PC!

Use the blubber from fat people.

Who says I haven't done it already?

I can't imagine that the Supreme Overlord of The World would have so much free time, Mal.

"Delegation is the key to success"

What about going down the religious route? Start your own religion and you gain an army of followers which means money, man power and influence. It's been successful in the past, although admittedly there is a bit of competition in the field at the mo...

Hmmmm. If that Bishop of Rochester is to be believed, the retreat of Christianity is leaving a vacuum ready to be filled - and we could get in there before Scientology or Islam. People following a belief are much easier to control than peopel being bullied or threatened into line.

Good thinking, that man. Consider yourself on the shortlist for Chief Adviser to Mr Overlord Chris.

Have you thought of asking politely?

No? Oh.

"Dear world,

Please will you let me rule you all with an iron fist and judicious use of a big stick with nails in?"

Can't see it working, myself.