Be Excellent To Each Other

Can anyone recommend a good book or something which can be given to a young boy (just remembered he's almost 12 so not teenage) to teach him the facts of life? He has just started secondary school so i want him to be clued up so he doesn't get teased, and he goes to a Catholic school so hasn't learnt anything of any real use.

When I were a lad, Diary of a Teenage Health freak was good for dealing with such issues in a funny story form, so it doesnt even seem like you are learning and it also solved parental embarassment.

It'll be getting on a bit now though, so something else similar? Also, the subsequent TV series was shite.

Yeah thats the sort of thing I'm looking for. His mum is to embarrassed to have the chat with him and I tried but he just kept telling me to shut up so I ended by telling him to make friends with all the pretty girls so when he's older he should have his pick.

I want to give him a book which speaks his language and gives him the facts as well as the slang terms he wouldn't learn anywhere else (except the playground.)

12? He already knows.

Channel 4 - 9.00pm onwards.

Never did me any harm.

Eurotrash.

Well I did wonder that Craster but I asked him the other night if he knows what a condom is and he said no. He is quite naive I think, he only knows how babies are made because he was taught it at school but if my lessons were anything to go buy it was very very light on facts.

Gill, are you posting on behalf of the A1b!n0$kid?

Rumbled!

If he goes to a Catholic school he'll soon find out that condoms spread HIV, don't worry.

He'll learn soon enough.

I don't fancy his chances at the secondary school if he has to learn through being nonplussed when the boys start talking (he's a bit of a soft wee soul. He may well turn out more like me than expected.)

Don't buy him the Dorling Kindersley book. First time I tried to have sex I realised that all the diagrams involved what looked like amputated legs and I had no idea where to put them. Turns out 'Inside' was the wrong answer.

I know all about the storks and the cabbage patches and that, thank you very much!!!

Bring him on here, Obv. I'll start a thread.

"Chapter 7, Part IV: The Shocker (and when not to)."

Buy him any video featuring Gianna Michaels. She'll sort him out.

I don't want to teach him to have sex, I just want him to be a wee bit more street wise!

1. Keep away from the teachers and Priests.
2. ALWAYS remain standing in the showers.
3. If someone offers you £10 for a blowjob, get the money FIRST.

Living With A Willy (Pan, £4.99)

Sorry, that's an ancient in-joke, not a serious suggestion. Though it might actually fit.

Hahaha

Knowing this young man, I'm fairly certain he knows very little.

Can his faither no have the chat?

Spend £20 quid and get him a hooker.

I was thinking this. Why on earth would his mother be talking to him about condoms and whores? That's not how it works!

Dear Nick,

Your (gay) willy didn't fit in my ottar.

Yours

(name not withheld despite request) Simon Fisher

Seriously, though, get him some Gianna Michaels or Iva Kleinova videos.

Well I don't think he is too keen on doing it either (he's step dad anyway-he gets called by his first name and everything.)(obviously you know this Ooster!) I don't think there is any way he could be convinced to do it though, I dount he would do it if he was the bio dad either to be fair.

Who is Gianna Michaels? Should I ask?

Neither parent talks to you about that. You learn about sex from the other boys at primary school, when they regale you with tales of the porn films they've watched where a man pees inside a woman's fanny and it comes out her arse.

I could always have a word with him if his Mum/Dad(s) are unwilling.

Does he have an Xbox Live cam?

Well in other circumstances I would be happy for him to believe that, but since the school he has just started is a little mental and he is the softest sweetest wee boy I know who runs around at playtime playing at 'Twilight' then I really want him to be at least able to talk the talk. He's probably gay anyway.

Let him find out for himself. It'll toughen him up, the soppy cunt.

He clearly won't survive long enough to get involved in a discussion about sex.

Ooooh. Right, OK. It's probably fine for mum to have the talk, then.

Lamb to the slaughter. He'll be fine, I'm sure.

Is that why you're the Internet Hard Man you are today?

He can find things out the same way as the rest of us:

Yeah!!! Thought you Scots all headbutted walls and stuff; maybe his biological father was Welsh.

My daddy told me.

Hehe see, do you understand the seriousness of the situation now??

Yes indeed - he needs to stop playing at Twilight and realise he is in fact a 12 year old boy, not a 15 year old girl. Sex doesn't enter into it.

MY GOD, WOMAN. TWILIGHT.

There was that program on channel 4 not too long ago, the website is probably still up.
The sex education show or something is what it was called.

Oh god, with the most annoying woman in the world presenting it, whose boyfriend presumably dumped her part way through due to her continually banging on about how shit he was.

I don't think there is much we can do except let it run its course. He also loves Top Gear and Call of Duty, but I am unsure if it is because he fancies the characters.

Break out the FHM back catalogue, STAT.

Maybe he just likes army stuff for the biscuit wankery?

I'm not giving him FHM when it has pictures of Eliza Dushku in it, that's for me!

I hope he survives first year....

Not really, my various social disorders stop me from really comprehending issues that don't relate directly to me.

Besides, I really think one of the parents just needs to sit down and talk to him about it; if he doesn't want to know or is embarrassed then fine, he's not ready to know yet. He will want to know one day, and he'll hopefully have the sense to ask, but if not well, everyone manages to figure it out somehow and someway don't they? It is a rite of passage almost. And if your main concern is other kids making fun of him for his naivety, then really you're pissing in the wind trying to stop this happening. Kids will find something to poke fun at however hard you try not to give them any ammo; unless you set him loose on the weights and tell him to bully everyone (NB: not recommended!), then really you just have to accept that he will have a few bits of teasing to deal with, just like many kids do at school. You can't really stop it.

The voice of experience there.

Give him a link to the infamous 'mammary intercourse' page on Wikipedia. Then he'll spend years thinking that's why men want big breasted women - because all sex is about putting it between the tits. Because after all, girls pee out of the vagina and boys pee out of their penis but the hole it comes out of is tiny so how the hell will my penis fit into a tiny peehole-sized vagina. Between the boobs makes a lot more sense!

yeah, but she'd get it

Maybe I'm being a bit too light hearted then. I am genuinely concerned that he could encounter some real troublemakers in this school. I know that his parents aren't going to talk to him about this. When i was younger I would have done anything to get out of a conversation with my parents about it if they had ever brought it up despite wanting to know. I ended up being really naive and getting picked on a fair bit for it. He really is naive enough to find himself in a conversation, not know what someone means by something and get found out and then he is a target for getting picked on, even more so because he has a lot of girl friends. So I figure just by equipping him with these facts, he protects himself a wee bit. Gives any potential bullies one less thing to tease him about. I know he'll get teased anyway, its a part of growing up, just knowing how bad the kids are in this area I think it could be worse than that easily. My cousin got jumped a couple of months ago by a local ned and narrowly avoided getting stabbed.