Be Excellent To Each Other

Donald Duck's on a dirty weekend, calls reception & asks for condoms. Receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? "Don't be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"

A man goes to a pet shop, and says he wants to buy an exotic pet. "Oh, yes, sir," says the pet shop owner, "I have just the thing. I got a shipment in last week. Have you ever considered owning a llama?"

"No, I can't say that I have," says the man. The pet shop owner takes him through to the back shop and shows him a couple of llamas, whilst extolling their virtues.

Eventually the man buys a llama and takes it home. He sets aside his front room, fills it with hay, lets the llama settle in and then retires to bed.

The next morning, he wakes up to the sun shining in his window. He skips down the stairs, whistling a merry tune, to say hello to his new llama and have a hearty breakfast. He is shocked to find the door ajar, and a trail of blood in his hallway. He opens the door to the llama's room, and finds its dismembered corpse in the middle of the room, its mouth fixed in a silent scream, all its legs removed.

He goes back to the pet shop, and says to the owner "you'll never guess what happened to that llama..." The pet shop owner says "oh, no! Don't say another word! I was afraid this might happen... look, here you go. Have another llama. On the house."

The man takes the next llama home. He beds it down in his newly scrubbed front room, goes to bed, comes down for breakfast the next day and finds the same thing - his llama lying in the middle of the floor in a pool of blood, its legs chopped off. He follows the trail of blood out of his front door and down the garden path, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop.

[This is where the joke can be extended to an insane degree - every time it happens, he follows the trail of blood a little bit further, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop and gets another llama.]

Eventually, the man finds the legless body of his 31st llama in his front room. He follows the trail of blood along his hallway, out of the front door, down the garden path, along the pavement, up the wooded path, across the moor, over the rickety bridge, up the deserted hillside and up the gravel path to the ghostly castle. He pushes the cast-iron gate open and follows the trail of blood through the dining room to the spiral staircase, up seven flights of stairs and into the room at the top of the tower.

He pushes open the door, and his jaw drops open. The room has no windows, and the icy wind howls through the room. The floor is matted straw caked with dried blood. Hung from every wall, suspended from the roof, nailed to the four-poster bed, hundreds of llama's legs. In the middle of the room stands a dwarf, eyes wide and staring, splattered with blood (both stale and fresh), a chipped and stained axe hanging limply from his hand as he sways gently back and forth on his heels.

"Did you kill my llamas?" says the man.

"No," says the dwarf.

Why did Elizabeth Arden?


What's the difference between light and hard?

In a distant land a long time ago, there lived the Black and White Knight who rode his black and white horse. He was seeking the hand of kingdom's princess in marriage, so he approach her father's castle. As he got to the raised drawbridge, he called out.

"I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I wish to marry the king's daughter."

The guard, hearing this, ran to the king and said, "The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse seeks your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king said, "Send in the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse."

The guard lowered the drawbridge and the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse met with the king.

"King, I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I come for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king pondered this for a while, then said, "The Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, you may marry my daughter, but only if you do three tasks for me beforehand."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse thought about this, then said, "I, the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse, will do these tasks for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king then said, "the Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, your first task is to slay the dragon that has taken my keep in the nearby mountains."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse rode across the drawbridge and out of the castle to the mountains. In the mountains, the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse encountered the dragon. The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse said, "I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse and I have come to kill you in the name of the king."

The dragon said, "RARRRRRRRRRR!!!"

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse slew the dragon and cut off his head to take back to the king. As he got to the raised drawbridge, he called out.

"I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I wish to marry the king's daughter."

The guard, hearing this, ran to the king and said, "The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse seeks your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king said, "Send in the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse."

The guard lowered the drawbridge and the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse met with the king.

"King, I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I come for your daughter's hand in marriage. I have slain the dragon."

The king pondered this for a while, then said, "The Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, you may marry my daughter, but only if you do two tasks for me beforehand."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse said, "I, the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse, will do these tasks for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king then said, "the Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, your second task is to make peace with our rival kingdom in the valley."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse rode across the drawbridge and out of the castle to the valley. As the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse rode into the valley, he encountered the leader of the rival kingdom's troops.

"I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and your rival king wishes to make peace."

The rival troop leader pondered this for a while, and then said, "The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse, we shall not attack our rival unless attacked first. You have my word."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse thanked him and rode back to the castle. As he got to the raised drawbridge, he called out.

"I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I wish to marry the king's daughter."

The guard, hearing this, ran to the king and said, "The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse seeks your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king said, "Send in the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse."

The guard lowered the drawbridge and the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse met with the king.

"King, I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I come for your daughter's hand in marriage. I have made peace with your rival kingdom."

The king pondered this for a while, then said, "The Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, you may marry my daughter, but only if you do one more task for me beforehand."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse said, "I, the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse, will do these tasks for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king then said, "the Black and White Knight on your black and white horse, your third task is to obtain the legendary sword from the enchanted forest."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse rode across the drawbridge and out of the castle to the enchanted forest. After wandering for days in the forest, the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse found the resting place of the legendary sword. Before he could pull it out, a nymph appeared and said, "who is this mysterious stranger who wishes to obtain the legendary sword?"

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse answered, "I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse and I am seeking this sword so I may marry the king's daughter."

The nymph answered, "love is a just cause, so I shall let you obtain the legendary sword. Farewell."

The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse took the legendary sword and rode back to the castle. As he got to the raised drawbridge, he called out.

"I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I wish to marry the king's daughter."

The guard, hearing this, ran to the king and said, "The Black and White Knight on his black and white horse seeks your daughter's hand in marriage."

The king said, "Send in the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse."

The guard lowered the drawbridge and the Black and White Knight on his black and white horse met with the king.

"King, I am the Black and White Knight on my black and white horse, and I come for your daughter's hand in marriage. I have obtained the legendary sword."

The king pondered this for a while, then said, "Ok."

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The barman gives her one.

What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?

Two fish in a tank

"Ok, you drive and I'll shoot"

Two sausages in a pan - one says to the other;

"Where do you live then?"

The other one replies

"I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing"

They came to Jerusalem, and Jesus entered into the temple, and began to throw out those who sold and those who bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money changers, and the seats of those who sold the doves. He would not allow anyone to carry a container through the temple. Matthew asked "Why, Lord, must we throw these people from the temple?" And Jesus did say;

900 Bananas

What do you get when you cross a Lion and a carrot?

Having got a day off training, Usain Bolt decides to go for a relaxing game of golf. He turns up at Augusta with his clubs and equipment all ready to go. However the doorman won't let him in.

"There the municipal club down the road, about 10 minute walk" he says.

"But I'm Usain Bolt," asys Usain Bolt "World record holder."

"Oh, hang on then, that changes things" says the doorman. "Should take you 3 minutes."

Gareth gates and Will Young have fallen on hard times and had to take new jobs on a building site. They're working in the City building a tall office building, adding some detail to a corner with some bricks.

Daydreaming of his time as a pop star, Will Young drops a brick into the street below. He screams out, "FALLING BRICK!" and races down to see if anyone got hurt.

When he gets there he sees a well dressed city gent standing next to the remnants of a brick.

"You saved my life," says the city gent. "I'm a stockbroker worth millions of pounds. Please accept ten thousand pounds as a reward."

Will Young gleefully accepts the money and goes back to work. When he gets back up to the top of the building he tells Gareth Gates his story. Gareth is very jealous.

"B-b-but that lokks like a g-g-g-g-g-good w-way to m-m-make m-money!"

So, the next day, around the same time, Gareth Gates looks over the edge of the building until he sees a wealthy looking man. Once he comes into the right spot, Gareth drops the brick and yells.

"F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-fucking hell I've hit him!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the mandatory culling of fowl as a result of the bird flu epidemic.

Whats black and rhymes with Dr Dre?

MrsA still doesn't get this.

What's brown and sticky?

Try:
What's black and rhymes with Snoop?

Because then it's funnier, you know?

You have black poop? Get thee to a doctor!

Well, it was that way around, but shes still didni't get it.

Anyway, we jsut going to recycles all the jokes from the bottom of the PopBitch newsletter?

I don't know, I don't get the Popbitch newsletter.

What have the Queen and Picasso got in common?

What do George Michael and Wellies have in common?



Gets me giggling every time.

Blatantly stolen from the cricket


What kind of cheese do you hide a horse with?

Are Nik and Russ's jokes meant to make sense, or is the joke that they don't?

My one is better spoken, as it's just a horrendously long joke with a shite punchline

What don't you get about 'raw carrot'?

That was LewieP's joke.

What do you call a man who sits on bended knee in a crop field while playing a guitar?

You passed the test. I'm an idiot.

A fish swam into a wall and shouted "DAMn".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Forum Admin arranges a trip to a disused pier to engage in mass trespass, then decides (BANG! - Ed)

I thoroughly enjoyed the #18thcenturycomedy thing on Twitter this week.

Pray, Sir, what is a lower form of life than PRINCE GEORGE? Why, none but the toadyish defenders of said BRIGAND!

Doctor, what is the difference betwixt PLAGUE and POX? Why, sir, one cannot catch A PLAGUE from PRINCE GEORGE!

"Sir! I hath been most gravely ASSAULTED!" "Then your body shall be well-preserv'd, but what of your SOUL?"

How doth one kill a circus? Complain to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN that its merriments contain all manner of BLASPHEMY!

The addition of GARLICK to BREAD may produce a most amusing response when 'tis consum'd by people of low birth.

Crude daubings on the wall of a local GIN PALACE suggest that a certain M. KHAN Esq. is a MOLLY.

1st Inmate of Bedlam: "This is a most awful place." 2nd Inmate: "Indeed, the fish serv'd here is most rotten."

What is black, white and red all over? A revolution'ry PAMPHLET sodd'n with the blood of the LACKBRAIN that wrote it.

"Sir, sir, watch yourself! A LEPER approaches!" "Have no care, my lad - the poor beggar is 'ARMLESS!"

"What name would you give to a peasant in receipt of an education?" "Sir, I would call him nothing save a POXY MORON."

THE LORD afflickt'd your mother with such size that not even PRINCE GEORGE or a BEARDED COLONIAL would f--k her.

Your mother saw MR GAY'S Beggar's Opera and believ'd herself drowning, for her very life seem'd to flash before her eyes.

"Seven?" "Nay." "Three?" "Again, nay." "Eleven?" "Aye, sir, that indeed is most assur'dly NUMBERWANG."

What hath length, solid'ty & the presence of many jolly jack tars? Lord Howe's flagship the Queen Charlotte!

The distinction 'twixt the p--s of A COMMON MAN and that of PRINCE GEORGE? One spends A PENNY, the other MANY A POUND.

Tis said THE BROS. MONTGOLFIER will att'nd the court with their BALLOON, the HOT AIR to be suppli'd by PRINCE GEORGE.

Why doth PRINCE GEORGE not clothe his FACE in likeness to his POSTERIOR given simil'r GASES be emitt'd from both ends?

When is a DOOR not a DOOR? When KING GEORGE declares it to be a CHINAMAN.

...Maybe you had to be there.

"Your mother saw MR GAY'S Beggar's Opera and believ'd herself drowning, for her very life seem'd to flash before her eyes."

I'm so using that.

They were brilliant. I starred one of yours. This one:

This from When Saturday Comes;

I'd love to believe that's true.

Go on, then.

Shamelessly stolen from Victorian Dad:

If I were to strike my head twice upon the ceiling, what article of stationery would it represent?

"Sealing Wax"

I got stung by a bee the other day. Five quid for a jar of honey.

Did it make your bottom big?

edit: I use an electrified flyswatter yesterday on a wasp. One gentle hit and it was knocked out; then I set it on fire holding the button down. Eat shit, wasp.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

A man buys a parrot that likes to swear a lot. After a couple of months the man is so tired of the parrot's continual swearing that he makes it an ultimatum. The parrot doesn't seem to care and tells him to go fuck himself.

So the guy's new girlfriend comes over for the night and the parrot calls her a cunt, a slag, and even tells her the guy had his other girlfriend over the night before.

Enough is finally enough and the guy sticks the parrot into the freezer.

Four hours later he removes the parrot and puts him back on his perch. Not a word. Nothing, silence...

A week later and the guy asks the parrot "do you have anything to say?" the parrot shakes it's head no. So the guy says "Why is it that I spent months asking you nicely not to swear and then when I put you in the freezer for four hours you turn into the perfect quiet parrot?"

The parrot says "Because I saw what you did to the turkey".

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?

Mum.

Your mum, surely?

Coffey's mum doesn't do my washing, AFAIK.

I recognise a couple of these jokes from YS so here's a couple more -

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick-knife

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits your windscreen?

It's arse.

What's the definition of pain? A fly sliding down a razorblade using it's bollocks as brakes.

Talking of jokes

I prefer -

Two of my friends were arrested yesterday one for stealing a car battery and the other for stealing some fireworks.

The police charged one of them but let the other one off.

TV for sale, only a pound. The volume control doesn't work but how can you turn that down?