(Minor spoilers)
I saw this earlier this evening, with my eyes...
The future, a bleak post-nuclear landscape where survivors scrabble in the ruins for bonus survival points. Only the post-nuclear landscape appears curiously sans radiation, and people seem to thrive okay on a staple diet of coyote and beef jerky, so that's okay. Glad to see that without five a day and only bits of meat people can still outrun robot hunters. In this landscape John Connor is a lowly officer of the resistance, which is led by Ironside!
No, not legless Ironside the wheelchair bound detective. That would be silly. How would he get away from killer robots? Unless they mistook him in his stataco-70's-funky-animation-titles spinning wheelchair for some sort of cybernetic organism.
No, it is luckless Ironside! And he don't believe in the Connor, because Connor's all like - "I've got to get these civilians out of here!" And Ironside is all, "Ooh, tough decision bro. But the post-holocaust is a bitch, so we best leave 'em for the robots, who seem to be doing something with them but we're not sure what 'cos this is a PG13, and we can't show bad things happen, not reallys. So stop fucking about and like, go and tell your guys to get ready to blow more shit up from their huge airbase with an infinite supply of helicopters cunningly hidden out in the open that also has a secret bunker next to it somewhere with a river and trees despite being in a desert."
Connor is upset. And grumpy. But now he's happy because they have a new weapon that will totally kick ass. Sort of.
Meanwhile, people from a better film run about a bit. One of them is Chekov from new Star Trek. Only he's calling himself Kyle Reese now, and is even cooler and funnier and you'd totally want to kick back and chill with him while escaping deadly robots. He's got a silent little girl who's there to look cute and have trembly fingertips when bad things are coming. Despite bad things being sixty feet tall at times, with clomping huge feet, whirry limbs and glissando & bass squealings & hootings, they never fail to sneak up on humans - leaving silent girl to go *Trembles!* and everyone to look surprised 0.5 seconds before being whaled on. Little girl is adorable, and oddly - like the rest of the cast - doesn't suffer from any melting of the face, falling out hair, bits of metal under the skin or broken noses and mangled teeth that you'd expect from nuclear survivors.
But Chekov is cool as all get out, so I don't care. And Sam Worthington comes along, and he's all mysterious and also cool. And they team up and go on adventures, and Connor loses his Halls Soothers and so can't jabber on for half an hour, and everything's ace again with the two of them being clever and outwitting robots and running around and trying not to giggle and I want to invite them over to my house for beers and I'm really beginning to enjoy the film.
And then oh noes! stuff happens, and it's back to Connor.
Connor is boring. I don't know what happened to the using Chinnyhill Machine to jack into ATM kid, who legitimately referred to himself as 'moi' and said 'totally' a lot, but I can only assume that he one day ran into some nut-job in a park, was abducted, raped repeatedly and killed whilst screaming for Arnie to come back again and save him, and had the nut job assume his 'I'm future saviour' identity because, well, he's a nut-job. (Seriously, that would be ace. Everybody would be going, "Our saviour, John Connor!" and Connor would be sniggering behind their backs Stuart Lee style saying, "I'm not really their saviour. I'm just mocking them. Because it's funny, aahhh." while shaking his head in that 'Nyaaah' way.)
So yes, Connor is boring. He does these completely uninspiring radio broadcasts and barely ever talks to anyone around him unless it's somebody he can shout out for betraying their human side or something. And yet everybody thinks he the most charismatic leader since Sgt. Bilko. Note to Hollywood, have a Bilko type future leader of men, no more gruff scratch voiced intense stare "I'm hurt!" people, please.
Inevitably all these characters meet, I won't say how but I guarantee you'll accurately predict it. The bonkers named actress Moon Bloodgood makes big eyes and flies an A10 that they have fuel for somehow, and is really in touch with her emotional side and reminds everybody of their humanity. Yes, everybody kind of looks if grim-faced, then remarkably relaxed. It's like they're going, "Tchaw. These robots. They're going to pay for messing up LA." This instead of them twitching and sweating and crying like the broken soldiers of Das Boot and Stalingrad and holding dead babies watching broken televisions like broken people in Threads. Curiously, it never really says how long after the war it was, or how the resistance got together. Even more curiously, whenever you see ruins they're smoldering with scattered fires and burning cars. Even if they're in the middle of nowhere, where no battling has clearly gone on for a whiles. And even though the nuclear war was years ago.
Occasionally, something awesome will happen. Like people being harvested like in War of the Worlds, or motorbike terminators, or Chekov smiling, or Sam Worthington being a bad-ass and probably wondering, "Why the fuck isn't it me and Yelchin on the poster, laughing and holding beers aloft like in a Shawn Black film, instead of me and Baleful Bale glowering?" Yup, Sam Worthington totally sells the action hero in this, and frankly the film desperately needed to revolve around him and Yelchin.
I cannot stress how boring Bale is. And I've always liked him before, more or less. Man, he's boring. Also, Skynet seems to have had its artificial intelligence programmed by idiots. Their big plan (surprise) revolves around killing Connor AND Reese. For some reason this includes them not killing Connor and Reese for a fair whiles.
So, there's a showdown. And sort of a twist, only it's a bit obvious. And everybody attacks Skynet. And it proves remarkably easy, as if all the terminators but a couple were on tea-break. Oh yeah, can somebody please patch the terminators so that when attempting to kill the hero they don't batter him around a bit, throw him across the room, walk slowly towards him, throw him across the room, walk slowly towards him, break his leg, push him down a slide, walk slowly towards him while doing tax returns, bounce a basketball on his nogging mockingly and dutch rub him, call him a taxi to the nearest airport, walk slowly towards him...
I mean, you'd think they'd learn and realise that:
1: Somebody ALWAYS comes along to interrupt. 2: They're fricking robots programmed to terminate. Just snap his spine already!
So, stuff happens and the humans win and everybody learns something about being human and not being emotionless killers. Despite the mickey-mouse resistance movement being the least convincing one ever and seemingly composed of a couple of planes, a submarine, and a few dozen people.
*Sigh* I don't know. I was ready to accept from the trailers that the cool pulse-guns weren't there, which - frankly - was the best thing about the awesome future sequences of Terminator and T2. I liked the arc-light snapping-chittering noise they made. It was cool. I also liked how old John Connor stood and looked through his binoculars and looked cool as fuck and all enigmatic, and didn't talk as if a lubricated hamster was defluffing his throat of hairballs. I wanted to like this. But this film is two scripts in deadly combat - one a fast paced survival romp featuring two charismatic characters, the other one hastily written to play to the star power of Bale, despite the character best being kept as a cipher. It never WAS about John Connor, it was about his protectors. Dolts.
McG handles the action very well, and with good non-confused actors he gets good performances. But he's incapable of drawing out any quirks or showing much in the way of invention, and everything is clangingly forshadowed.
In addition, the next film that's a sequel or a reboot that clumsily shoves in lines from the 'franchise' like, "I'll be back," and "Come with me if you want to live," can go fuck itself. Remember Star Trek and the beautiful grace they handled the iconic stuff? Yeah? Well with Salvation it's as if they spread the catchphrases on Tesco Basics buttered bread and then rubbed the slimey mass in your face smirking, "You like this don't you? You like it when we HOM-ARRRJ! MMMM!" Seriously, it couldn't have been more forced and clumsy if they wrote in a scene where the resistance were all down in the dumps after a big fecking huge failure and Connor came along and said, "Hey, lets all put on a play!" And then Moongood says, "What about?" And Connor says, "Let's do a play about famous composers of baroque period. I'LL BE BACH."
Uppers:
Action scenes are generally good, with a couple of genuinely exciting sequences. Robots are cool. Yelchin and Worthington deserve to do more action films together, and are compelling. Some of the scenery and set design is quite impressive.
Downers:
The script completely loses it when Reese and Marcus (Worthington) aren't on the page. The opening scene is astonishing ham-fisted in execution. Bale is crap. Connor's character is deeply boring. All the supporting characters are boring. Skynet are idiots. If it weren't for the machines of death, the post-apocalyptic landscape couldn't be more congenial and survivable than if there were friendly Clangers wandering around doling out hot nutritious soup.
Bottom Line:
Please, no more Alien/Terminator/Predator films. Bored now. Give me new sci-fi action hi-jinks please. 4/10
(Personally for enjoyment I give it 6/10 as I watched it, purely thanks to Yelchin and Worthington and some fine action scenes, but frankly on the small screen this is going to be a bit crap. And the script is something of an insult.)
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