Be Excellent To Each Other

Way back when, there was an unjokes thread. This is the second one. Of it.

Please post some!

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he had his hands in shit.

A man walked into a bar and asked for a drink. The barman said, 'what do you want?'
The man replied, 'a pint of lager, please'.

You do realise that's the funniest post you've ever made.

There's a report here with your name on it that says otherwise.

Can't I report a post without the mods making it public?

This is the new era of transparency, remember?

They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.

That's a joke, though. Out of this thread you go.

A man walks into a bakers and asks for a pink loaf of bread.
The baker replies, "I'm sorry we only have blue ones".
The man says, "that's OK, I've got my bike outside".

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a gin and...

...


...


...


... tonic, please."

The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

The bear replies, "I was trying to decide what mixer to have with my gin."

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman say "Why do you look so sad?"

That unjoke also works with Darren Anderton.

A horse walks into a bar and Darren Anderton says "Why do you look so sad?"

Am I doing this right?

The Mighty Boosh.

Knock knock
who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
Doctor Brown, I have your prescription Mrs Levy, can I come in?
Of course, I'll just unlock the door.Hello Dr Brown, how are you?
I am fine, I hope you are well Mrs Levy.
Oh yes, can't complain.
I have your prescription, here you are.
Thank you, Dr Brown.
That's okay, goodbye.
Goodbye, see you soon.
And you, bye.

Question: What do you call a dog wearing a policeman's hat?
Answer: PC Dog-hat

Why is there no asperin in the jungle?

Because there are no dispensing-chemists nor convenience stores or super markets.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one—it's not exactly a difficult job.

"Just one, but a second person to assist with properly stabilising the ladder would be recommended".

Would be better.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep!
An sheep that can talk?
Yes, I suppose so.
Isn't that more of a notable fact than the interrupting?
Yes, yes it is.
Do you want to start again?
Okay - Knock knock!
Who's there?
A talking sheep.
My Goodne-
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I know, but I couldn't resist it

Tsk, you're not allowed to use stepladders on maintenance or construction sites anymore!

Although he will have to make a second trip to obtain the correct bayonet type bulb when he realises that it's not a screw-in fixture.

Whats white and swings through the Jungle?

A Refrigerator.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

I heard we're standardising on screw fittings in the UK - any truth to that? I like bayonet fittings.

Wow, I hadn't heard that. Got a source?
They are creeping in (mainly from places like Ikea) but I doubt bayonet will go away very quickly..

PS I noticed Asda have GE "soft white" screw in bulbs in the same envelope style as those Philips ones you were looking for. 60W though.

That wouldn't make sense, as aren't we phasing out standard bulbs, anyway? All my energy saving bulbs are bayonets.

Energy-saving bulbs make my eyes go funny

Well, they are available in both types as well.
Manufacturers would no doubt prefer to just make one type, and BC is in the minority. I think it's mainly the UK, Ireland and ex colonies that use them.

That's probably because a lot of them are fluorescent and some people can be susceptible to the flicker frequency.

Use LED ones instead.

Yeah, I was just posting a man with his eyes gone funny.

I HATE LED brake lights at night.

Hmm, modern compact fluorescents have electronic ballasts and the switching is 30 or 40kHz or higher - you certainly won't see that flickering, unlike normal fluorescent tubes which have 50Hz ballasts (or old style CFLs with seperate 50Hz ballasts) .

However the light spectrum from a CFL is quite different from tungsten bulbs and can make identifying certain colours difficult. Some people claim CFLs make them all kinds of ill too, but frankly I'm not very inclined to believe it.

I can believe they get headaches, especially if it makes colours harder to see.

My fishtank flourescents have weird colour spectra, and often give me a headache when I'm diddling about in there with the lid open.

I knew you diddled with fish. I just knew it.

UV light might do that I think.

LED are blueish though and give a strange colour too.Although i've not seen the newer lights lately.

I did my work experience at ASDA and by the end of the week my eyes felt battered off the lighting, i actually didnt want to return to the shop for about a month after. It may have been that I was more competent worker than most there but without the pay mind. Well the supervisor said we'd probably get 20 quid on our last day, guess who was ill on the last bloody day. Then 99 trojans pillaged the shop and killed everyone.

This is supposed to be the unjokes thread. You've got it wrong again Runcle

I know, I decided my actual true story wasnt that exciting so added a joke to the end. I'll think of an unjoke later.

How many Runcles does it take to change a lightbulb?

I cannot answer a purely hypothetical question like that, as there is only one Runcle.

What about a quantum Runcle? Then you would have one Runcle in two different places.

this one?

http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=2675480301

You don't sound like you're from Sydney.

Sydney has a north-east.

Its also got a newcastle.
Mind you I dont think Im awesome enough to be called 'The Runclenator'