Be Excellent To Each Other

KK, I've got loads of racing games and I don't play them. I was just there then there listening or indeed in fact reading the posts about Midnight Club: LALA which everyone is now doing instead of Burnout. And so then I though I'd get it and play it and it would be nice. But then I realised I've got another midnight club for something and I'm not sure what. I went to check. I've got Midnight Club 3 Dub for the XBox. I think I've loaded it up twice in the three or four years I've had it. And this is the problem.

I've always loved racing games bestest. When I was first sat in front of a 2600, Night Driver was the game for me, none of this Pac-Man or Reactor or Combat nonsense, because I liked the sensation of speed. Drivey-drivey, dodge the things that are slower, keep going and going. Just the whole going mweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh along the roads really fast was nice - I think the best fun I've had in a GTA game ever was getting any vehicle at all and just cruising the countryside freeways in San Andreas. Fucking love SA. And you just overtake stuff, there's no 'extra' nonsense getting in the way. No conceits, scoring systems or anything. Driving, in game form, not even racing really. No checkpoints and no boosts and no yankee cunt-speak.

Then I got a BBC and hated not having much to race on it (I never got Revs, alas). I'd play anything on my mate's Speccys and C64s - all those Powerdrifts and Outruns. And then I got an ST - Supercars, Lotus Challenge, Stunt Car and Grand Prix from Crammo, the lot. I played and loved all the racers. To completion. Overlander, Roadblasters et al added some flair and variety. That was good too. Then the Playstation came along and Ridge 4, Gran Tourismo and Total Drivin' - I needn't really go on there, the Playstation was heaven. And after this a PC, so I didn't really have driving games then for about five years.

And then I got back into consoles - a GBA first followed by a Gamecube. Wrong choices for driving. You've Burnout 2 and Mario Double Dash - both excellent but neither anything less than totally silly. And that was my lot for about two years. Since I've bought a PS2, PSP, new Gaming rig, 2 DSes and a Wii and an XBox and a 360. My racing games collection currently is this, with rough percentages completed:

Wave Race Blue Storm: 5%
F-Zero GX: 20%
Forza Motorsport: 10%
Midnight Club 3 Dub: 1%
Outrun 2: 30%
Rallisport Challenge 2: 70%
Test Drive Unlimited: 5%
Sega Rally: 30%
Forza 2: 20%
Ridge 6: 10%
Ridge Racers 2: 30%
Wipeout Pure: 0%
Burny Pee: 20%
Pure: 40%
Dirt: 0%

Plus all the racing games for DS, PSP and retro platforms available on usenet. So why aren't I playing them anymore? Is it the obstacles? Am I sick of crashing into shit I can't see because the visuals are too detailed? Well, yes, I think that's certainly true. Am I sick of the interfaces? Burny P's menus are intolerable, garish and lopsided and can fuck right off, I'd sooner have a command line and my messenger pad. Are some of them too deep? I'd love a Pure-style system in Forza 2 for building a car, for example.

I've even bought a 360 racing wheel - bought it in July or August I think, not used it since. Primarily because I was using it to get back into Forza 2, when off al a suddens, I needed to use the analogue sticks for something and there's none on there and I can't find a way to use a pad for menus and a wheel for the racing. If anyone can help with this, please do - I want to get right into all my racers and not see all that money wasted. Considering how much variety and choice we've got these days, I'm not sure I'm making the most of it at all.

You've not maxed out TDU, you're broken.

GTA4 came out, then I got busy. Then other games came out. I think Test Drive annoyed me when some woman asked for a lift then had a fucking go all the way to where she was going, pissing and moaning about how I didn't do a good enough job. Fucking walk then you cunt. Can't stand having my driving criticised.

That's not fun.

Then ignore the models and hitchhikers. The races are fantakka, and it embodies the "driving around doing nowt but drive" ideal you loved in SA. The map is hyowj.

Your driving sucks.

So does your mother

I'm currently back into Flatout:Ultimate Carnage which is one of the better racing games around - have you tried that yet?

Mmm night driver with the paddles.

Ewww Waverace bluestorm too damn hard.

Waverace BS is fucking impossible, but it did have more lovely gamecubey water than anything else, and gamecubey water is best water.

The arctic level was just ridiculous. I tried and tried as it was the first game I bought for mine, but alas it pissed me off.

Yes, the water was damn lovely. Esp when it sprayed up all over the screen. Even Crysis doesn't look that good (with the water on the goggles graphics likes)

Never made it past the training level. Can't bloody wait for the Wii-quel - same game, same graphics, new shit wavey controls, £35.

What's FZGX like? I've never played it but it's up on torrent sites..

Loved the N64 one, even if the tunnels made me feel quite unwell

It is the fastest thing in the entire universe, the perfect precision racer, all Sega-d up. You must get and play this title if you have a Gamecube/Wii. Sadly, it is too fucking hard for me to progress very far.

Gargh, effing naysayers. It's them that made Nintendo make WR and FZ rock hard on cube !!

They were piss easy on N64, just how I like em ! the bastards !!

Righty, as soon as FO3 is redone I'll grab that... Off into town tomorrow so I'll grab some dvdrs.

Then sometime soon (if FO3 ever loosens it's grip) I'll buy one o dem capture dongles and set up the cube in hnyarr.

I understand what you're saying, which is why I only have one or two racing games on the go at once. At the moment, it's SBK and Midnight Club. This is because TDU and Forza are sitting on the shelf, 100%'ed.

And yes, ridiculous amounts of screen furniture is making it too hard to see where you're going sometimes. I spent a good part of this afternoon with the missus shouting 'Fourth! You only managed FOURTH!' while I responded 'I couldn't see the fucking traffic! FUCKING GAME!' at Midnight Club. Because the game decided it would be night.

The 4pm Club sounds rubbish.

But 'night' seems to last forever, whereas the days are too short.

Almost song lyrics, there.

It seems to get dark at around 6pm - that's two hours later than here at the moment.

Where is the clock? I can't find it... unless it's some of the tiny, tiny writing on the speedo.

I offer my assistance with TDU, Forza or Burny Pee if you need it, goatboy.

Evoking Steinman, I reckon.

/edit yeah, feel free to come round and 100% them for me, while I play STALKER on my PC

I was thinking more in terms of in game money or doing MP races, but yes.

I need to grind out the last achivement on Forza for the mill, so maybe we can cuddle fuck each other.

If you can stand it, a good way to do it is to do oval races. Not particularly tiring driving, and the high PI of the cars means mo'money.

Yeah, I'm just looking at my speedo clock (it helps I know where it is from actually owning the car).

I'm thinking of doing one more quest per night on Fallout, then deliberately putting that down and doing some driving.

I'll be happy to do some ovals with you. If you set it to 75 laps it gives a fair amount of cash, increasing with the amount of people there.

Yeah I'd be up for helping Dimrill max out Forza. Name a time and place.

I think I still need about 725,000 online credits, but I can check that later. It's my last cheevment.

How many do you guys need?

I've already got it, but I'm always willing to help out fellow cheevo whores.

I need aboot 600k ish I think.

Ben trying Ridge 6 tonight, getting further in and enjoying it - got the hang of the drift again and been listneing to some lovely Yeasayer while I race. There's one ro two races in the furthest left segments, higher up, that I need to win, can't quite get up enough speed in the standard cars I've got, the mild ones are hopeless so I look to the faster of the two dynamic drift cars.

Exactly how in the world am I meant to drive these round a corner? There's simply no straightening the buggers, I literally can't get round with one. Hayulp!

If it's any consolation, I had the same problem. I assume that I'd have to master the dynamic drift cars to have a chance of completing the levels but I'm damned if I can get them to go where I want them to!

The best drifting was in Ridge 4... you could judge it perfectly. Ridge 64 allowed you a choice of three different drift styles and none of them felt right.

Ah Ridge 4, if only it was more than 45 minutes long.

Four was my favourite as well - remember when Reiko (sp?) was in the intro movie with her individual hairs and this was what the Playstation 2 graphics would be like in all the games, according to all the magazines?

Then i saw my first PS2 in Gamestation, an import job, it was running Ridge 5 and I waited an hour for a go, then put the controller down after half a race - it was the same, only higher res. I bought a PC and left consoles behind until late 2004.

It didn't help that for Reiko's new friend, Ai, the designers decided to go down the 'skank' route as opposed to the 'cute' one again.

Who is your avatar?

A white hole?

Julia Bond.

Oh yes, her. She really likes penises doesn't she?

Also what's this white hole business? I don't get it...

It's a Red Dwarf episode rather like the Futurama one in which time is being spat into the universe causing all sorts of jumps and amusing mayhem.

Which more to the point results at one stage in a loop where the same conversational minute is had multiple times in random order.

Whereas the futurama episode ("Time keeps on slipping") only ever jumps forward.

I didn't want to spoil the fun, but yes.

Also what's this white hole business? I don't get it...

It's a Red Dwarf episode rather like the Futurama one in which time is being spat into the universe causing all sorts of jumps and amusing mayhem.

Julia Bond

Her pink hole?