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 Post subject: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 16:55 
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Isn't that lovely?

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After tapping up someone who keeps emails for 11 years!

I can bring you the Snail and Starling Stories!

SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 1 wrote:
A snail walked into a pub, he then walked up to the bar looked up but the bar was run by a starling, then a bunch of starlings jumped him, cracked open his shell and ate him.

SWAM


There are plenty more where that came from.

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 16:56 
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Excellent Painter

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run that by me again...

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 16:57 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 2 wrote:
3 snails go out in their car the snail whos sitting in the back says "hey whats that over there" the other two look over and see nothing. They turn round "what was over there?" the snail in the back shouts "STARLING" at that moment loads of starlings jump the car, open the doors undo there seatbelts pull the keys out of the ignition, put on the handbrake, grab the snails, crack open their shells, and eat them.

SWAM


Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:00 
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Unpossible!

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ok... started on the eggnogg early Malc?


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:01 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 3 wrote:
OK 3 snails decide to go skydiving, they goto the airfield sign up for a days jumping which costs #80 for 3 jumps.

After the training the snails go for a coffee and have 2 blcak and a white coffee each with a flapjack with some aprcot jam after 200 mins they get into the plane all packed up and ready to go, the snail who runs the skydiving business shouts for the pilot to take off.

They climb upto 20,00 feet and its well sunny outside but in the distance is a cloud which is very black, the pilot not responding to the head worms directions keeps flying towards the cloud, they land on the cloud and outside is completely dark a beak looks round the corner ..."STARLINGS" shouts a worm ( there was a starling flying the plane) the plane is attacked by 200,000 starlings they pull off the propeller yank off the wings undo the wheels remove the guns, take the parachutes off the snails, remove there jumpsuites, crack open there shells and eat them.

SWAM


Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:05 
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baron of techno

Joined: 30th Mar, 2008
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:DD :DD :DD


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:05 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 5 wrote:
The snails are know really starting to get pissed off with getting killed and eaten by the starlings, so 378 snails plan a heist to do a bank job on the national starling bank. Snail 78 works on the plan the idea is to break in and steal money from vault no 4. they hire a french safe expert to help them, his name is PASCAL snail.

THey goto the bank on bastille day the place is a fuckin ghost town they raid the bank, all of the starlings are forced to lay on the ground with there feathers on there heads, pascal snail goes down to the vault he blows the fence off calls up the snails on the cb and they all come down except for snail 89 who keeps a antennae on the starlings.

"YEH" shouts snail no 199 "we in" as they step in the vault a secret metal door closes them in and a black liquid starts to seep in through tiny wholes in the wall it buidls up and forms 38 starlings ..the starlings then proceed to remove the snails guns, there bulletproof shells, there tasers, there welding equipment,then they crack open there shells and eat them.

SWAM


Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:07 
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Unpossible!

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I feel that SWAM is fond of the caffeine


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:07 
Excellent Member

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More please!!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:08 
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baron of techno

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Make a poll also.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:13 
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Isn't that lovely?

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kalmarzipan wrote:
Make a poll also.



I'll put up a poll when all of the jokes are up (I think there are 16 of them)

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:15 
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Unpossible!

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Part 16: ...and then a brick lands on his head

900 Bananas for the reference


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:18 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 4 wrote:
59 snails in flat33b, 34 of them are reading the papers in the corner they have got a bike a kite a fridge a washing machine and a pile of old food.

A snail shouts whilst still reading the newspaper " look free rapjumpin down town at noon" all the snails look at each other and carry on reading , the exact time is 11.56 and it is really sunny outside so they all decide to go to the town as it is nearly noon.

oN the way down town they see some lady snails they are exactly 4 mins away from them...snail 34 starts to shout "we are late for rapjumpin lets hurry this up"...all the snails run at the same time so it looks like its one snail running.

They arrive at the fair and it is well busy so they line up in a formerly queue and wait there turn by now it is 12.06pm and only 4 snails have been rapjumpin ..snail 45 says " this is takin the piss " so they all go upto the top and take it in turns up there instead ..a snail at the back drops his lighter out of his pocket it falls onto the floor he picks it up and gets back in line.

THe time is still 12.06 and this is gettin nowhere so they all get ready to go home but then loose rubbish on th e floor starts to float upwards ...a car drives past with 4 snails in it who are going to the leisure centre.....at the leisure centre shit is goin down .....all the snails dont reaLly notice the rubbish and loose random materials floating up around them, then heavier objects begin to float like cars and bins and metal ....12 of the smails at the back begin to float beacuse they didnt eat enough dough the night before, by thus time all the snails are floating up to the atmosphere because for some reason gravity is loosing its pull.....all shit is flying up submarines cranes bricks cats signs, computers,Lorries, trucks, tents ......at 35,000 feet a eary black darkness is growing closer, number 1 snail shouts "climb into your shells as my doctor reckons you can breathe up in space if you are inside your shell ....they burn through the atmosphere and are suddenly
surrounded by SPACE STARLINGS....which have addapted to the severe predicaments of space by tying string to there ass feathers ..all the starlings attack at once they undo the snails climbing equipment steal most of the snails money loosen the snails breathing equipment take the snails skiing goggles off crack open there shells and eat them.

SWAM


Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:20 

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Right.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:21 
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Snail not walk!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:28 
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For the solution of the question of free will or inevitability, history has this advantage over other branches of knowledge in which the question is dealt with, that for history this question does not refer to the essence of man's free will but its manifestation in the past and under certain conditions.

In regard to this question, history stands to the other sciences as experimental science stands to abstract science.

The subject for history is not man's will itself but our presentation of it.

And so for history, the insoluble mystery presented by the incompatibility of free will and inevitability does not exist as it does for theology, ethics, and philosophy. History surveys a presentation of man's life in which the union of these two contradictions has already taken place.

In actual life each historic event, each human action, is very clearly and definitely understood without any sense of contradiction, although each event presents itself as partly free and partly compulsory.

To solve the question of how freedom and necessity are combined and what constitutes the essence of these two conceptions, the philosophy of history can and should follow a path contrary to that taken by other sciences. Instead of first defining the conceptions of freedom and inevitability in themselves, and then ranging the phenomena of life under those definitions, history should deduce a definition of the conception of freedom and inevitability themselves from the immense quantity of phenomena of which it is cognizant and that always appear dependent on these two elements.

Whatever presentation of the activity of many men or of an individual we may consider, we always regard it as the result partly of man's free will and partly of the law of inevitability.

Whether we speak of the migration of the peoples and the incursions of the barbarians, or of the decrees of Napoleon III, or of someone's action an hour ago in choosing one direction out of several for his walk, we are unconscious of any contradiction. The degree of freedom and inevitability governing the actions of these people is clearly defined for us.

Our conception of the degree of freedom often varies according to differences in the point of view from which we regard the event, but every human action appears to us as a certain combination of freedom and inevitability. In every action we examine we see a certain measure of freedom and a certain measure of inevitability. And always the more freedom we see in any action the less inevitability do we perceive, and the more inevitability the less freedom.

The proportion of freedom to inevitability decreases and increases according to the point of view from which the action is regarded, but their relation is always one of inverse proportion.

A sinking man who clutches at another and drowns him; or a hungry mother exhausted by feeding her baby, who steals some food; or a man trained to discipline who on duty at the word of command kills a defenseless man- seem less guilty, that is, less free and more subject to the law of necessity, to one who knows the circumstances in which these people were placed, and more free to one who does not know that the man was himself drowning, that the mother was hungry, that the soldier was in the ranks, and so on. Similarly a man who committed a murder twenty years ago and has since lived peaceably and harmlessly in society seems less guilty and his action more due to the law of inevitability, to someone who considers his action after twenty years have elapsed than to one who examined it the day after it was committed. And in the same way every action of an insane, intoxicated, or highly excited man appears less free and more inevitable to one who knows the mental condition of him who committed the action, and seems more free and less inevitable to one who does not know it. In all these cases the conception of freedom is increased or diminished and the conception of compulsion is correspondingly decreased or increased, according to the point of view from which the action is regarded. So that the greater the conception of necessity the smaller the conception of freedom and vice versa.

Religion, the common sense of mankind, the science of jurisprudence, and history itself understand alike this relation between necessity and freedom.

All cases without exception in which our conception of freedom and necessity is increased and diminished depend on three considerations:

(1) The relation to the external world of the man who commits the deeds.

(2) His relation to time.

(3) His relation to the causes leading to the action.

The first consideration is the clearness of our perception of the man's relation to the external world and the greater or lesser clearness of our understanding of the definite position occupied by the man in relation to everything coexisting with him. This is what makes it evident that a drowning man is less free and more subject to necessity than one standing on dry ground, and that makes the actions of a man closely connected with others in a thickly populated district, or of one bound by family, official, or business duties, seem certainly less free and more subject to necessity than those of a man living in solitude and seclusion.

If we consider a man alone, apart from his relation to everything around him, each action of his seems to us free. But if we see his relation to anything around him, if we see his connection with anything whatever- with a man who speaks to him, a book he reads, the work on which he is engaged, even with the air he breathes or the light that falls on the things about him- we see that each of these circumstances has an influence on him and controls at least some side of his activity. And the more we perceive of these influences the more our conception of his freedom diminishes and the more our conception of the necessity that weighs on him increases.

The second consideration is the more or less evident time relation of the man to the world and the clearness of our perception of the place the man's action occupies in time. That is the ground which makes the fall of the first man, resulting in the production of the human race, appear evidently less free than a man's entry into marriage today. It is the reason why the life and activity of people who lived centuries ago and are connected with me in time cannot seem to me as free as the life of a contemporary, the consequences of which are still unknown to me.

The degree of our conception of freedom or inevitability depends in this respect on the greater or lesser lapse of time between the performance of the action and our judgment of it.

If I examine an act I performed a moment ago in approximately the same circumstances as those I am in now, my action appears to me undoubtedly free. But if I examine an act performed a month ago, then being in different circumstances, I cannot help recognizing that if that act had not been committed much that resulted from it- good, agreeable, and even essential- would not have taken place. If I reflect on an action still more remote, ten years ago or more, then the consequences of my action are still plainer to me and I find it hard to imagine what would have happened had that action not been performed. The farther I go back in memory, or what is the same thing the farther I go forward in my judgment, the more doubtful becomes my belief in the freedom of my action.

In history we find a very similar progress of conviction concerning the part played by free will in the general affairs of humanity. A contemporary event seems to us to be indubitably the doing of all the known participants, but with a more remote event we already see its inevitable results which prevent our considering anything else possible. And the farther we go back in examining events the less arbitrary do they appear.

The Austro-Prussian war appears to us undoubtedly the result of the crafty conduct of Bismarck, and so on. The Napoleonic wars still seem to us, though already questionably, to be the outcome of their heroes' will. But in the Crusades we already see an event occupying its definite place in history and without which we cannot imagine the modern history of Europe, though to the chroniclers of the Crusades that event appeared as merely due to the will of certain people. In regard to the migration of the peoples it does not enter anyone's head today to suppose that the renovation of the European world depended on Attila's caprice. The farther back in history the object of our observation lies, the more doubtful does the free will of those concerned in the event become and the more manifest the law of inevitability.

The third consideration is the degree to which we apprehend that endless chain of causation inevitably demanded by reason, in which each phenomenon comprehended, and therefore man's every action, must have its definite place as a result of what has gone before and as a cause of what will follow.

The better we are acquainted with the physiological, psychological, and historical laws deduced by observation and by which man is controlled, and the more correctly we perceive the physiological, psychological, and historical causes of the action, and the simpler the action we are observing and the less complex the character and mind of the man in question, the more subject to inevitability and the less free do our actions and those of others appear.

When we do not at all understand the cause of an action, whether a crime, a good action, or even one that is simply nonmoral, we ascribe a greater amount of freedom to it. In the case of a crime we most urgently demand the punishment for such an act; in the case of a virtuous act we rate its merit most highly. In an indifferent case we recognize in it more individuality, originality, and independence. But if even one of the innumerable causes of the act is known to us we recognize a certain element of necessity and are less insistent on punishment for the crime, or the acknowledgment of the merit of the virtuous act, or the freedom of the apparently original action. That a criminal was reared among male factors mitigates his fault in our eyes. The self-sacrifice of a father or mother, or self-sacrifice with the possibility of a reward, is more comprehensible than gratuitous self-sacrifice, and therefore seems less deserving of sympathy and less the result of free will. The founder of a sect or party, or an inventor, impresses us less when we know how or by what the way was prepared for his activity. If we have a large range of examples, if our observation is constantly directed to seeking the correlation of cause and effect in people's actions, their actions appear to us more under compulsion and less free the more correctly we connect the effects with the causes. If we examined simple actions and had a vast number of such actions under observation, our conception of their inevitability would be still greater. The dishonest conduct of the son of a dishonest father, the misconduct of a woman who had fallen into bad company, a drunkard's relapse into drunkenness, and so on are actions that seem to us less free the better we understand their cause. If the man whose actions we are considering is on a very low stage of mental development, like a child, a madman, or a simpleton- then, knowing the causes of the act and the simplicity of the character and intelligence in question, we see so large an element of necessity and so little free will that as soon as we know the cause prompting the action we can foretell the result.

On these three considerations alone is based the conception of irresponsibility for crimes and the extenuating circumstances admitted by all legislative codes. The responsibility appears greater or less according to our greater or lesser knowledge of the circumstances in which the man was placed whose action is being judged, and according to the greater or lesser interval of time between the commission of the action and its investigation, and according to the greater or lesser understanding of the causes that led to the action.

Thus our conception of free will and inevitability gradually diminishes or increases according to the greater or lesser connection with the external world, the greater or lesser remoteness of time, and the greater or lesser dependence on the causes in relation to which we contemplate a man's life.

So that if we examine the case of a man whose connection with the external world is well known, where the time between the action and its examination is great, and where the causes of the action are most accessible, we get the conception of a maximum of inevitability and a minimum of free will. If we examine a man little dependent on external conditions, whose action was performed very recently, and the causes of whose action are beyond our ken, we get the conception of a minimum of inevitability and a maximum of freedom.

In neither case- however we may change our point of view, however plain we may make to ourselves the connection between the man and the external world, however inaccessible it may be to us, however long or short the period of time, however intelligible or incomprehensible the causes of the action may be- can we ever conceive either complete freedom or complete necessity.

(1) To whatever degree we may imagine a man to be exempt from the influence of the external world, we never get a conception of freedom in space. Every human action is inevitably conditioned by what surrounds him and by his own body. I lift my arm and let it fall. My action seems to me free; but asking myself whether I could raise my arm in every direction, I see that I raised it in the direction in which there was least obstruction to that action either from things around me or from the construction of my own body. I chose one out of all the possible directions because in it there were fewest obstacles. For my action to be free it was necessary that it should encounter no obstacles. To conceive of a man being free we must imagine him outside space, which is evidently impossible.

(2) However much we approximate the time of judgment to the time of the deed, we never get a conception of freedom in time. For if I examine an action committed a second ago I must still recognize it as not being free, for it is irrevocably linked to the moment at which it was committed. Can I lift my arm? I lift it, but ask myself: could I have abstained from lifting my arm at the moment that has already passed? To convince myself of this I do not lift it the next moment. But I am not now abstaining from doing so at the first moment when I asked the question. Time has gone by which I could not detain, the arm I then lifted is no longer the same as the arm I now refrain from lifting, nor is the air in which I lifted it the same that now surrounds me. The moment in which the first movement was made is irrevocable, and at that moment I could make only one movement, and whatever movement I made would be the only one. That I did not lift my arm a moment later does not prove that I could have abstained from lifting it then. And since I could make only one movement at that single moment of time, it could not have been any other. To imagine it as free, it is necessary to imagine it in the present, on the boundary between the past and the future- that is, outside time, which is impossible.

(3) However much the difficulty of understanding the causes may be increased, we never reach a conception of complete freedom, that is, an absence of cause. However inaccessible to us may be the cause of the expression of will in any action, our own or another's, the first demand of reason is the assumption of and search for a cause, for without a cause no phenomenon is conceivable. I raise my arm to perform an action independently of any cause, but my wish to perform an action without a cause is the cause of my action.

But even if- imagining a man quite exempt from all influences, examining only his momentary action in the present, unevoked by any cause- we were to admit so infinitely small a remainder of inevitability as equaled zero, we should even then not have arrived at the conception of complete freedom in man, for a being uninfluenced by the external world, standing outside of time and independent of cause, is no longer a man.

In the same way we can never imagine the action of a man quite devoid of freedom and entirely subject to the law of inevitability.

(1) However we may increase our knowledge of the conditions of space in which man is situated, that knowledge can never be complete, for the number of those conditions is as infinite as the infinity of space. And therefore so long as not all the conditions influencing men are defined, there is no complete inevitability but a certain measure of freedom remains.

(2) However we may prolong the period of time between the action we are examining and the judgment upon it, that period will be finite, while time is infinite, and so in this respect too there can never be absolute inevitability.

(3) However accessible may be the chain of causation of any action, we shall never know the whole chain since it is endless, and so again we never reach absolute inevitability.

But besides this, even if, admitting the remaining minimum of freedom to equal zero, we assumed in some given case- as for instance in that of a dying man, an unborn babe, or an idiot- complete absence of freedom, by so doing we should destroy the very conception of man in the case we are examining, for as soon as there is no freedom there is also no man. And so the conception of the action of a man subject solely to the law of inevitability without any element of freedom is just as impossible as the conception of a man's completely free action.

And so to imagine the action of a man entirely subject to the law of inevitability without any freedom, we must assume the knowledge of an infinite number of space relations, an infinitely long period of time, and an infinite series of causes.

To imagine a man perfectly free and not subject to the law of inevitability, we must imagine him all alone, beyond space, beyond time, and free from dependence on cause.

In the first case, if inevitability were possible without freedom we should have reached a definition of inevitability by the laws of inevitability itself, that is, a mere form without content.

In the second case, if freedom were possible without inevitability we should have arrived at unconditioned freedom beyond space, time, and cause, which by the fact of its being unconditioned and unlimited would be nothing, or mere content without form.

We should in fact have reached those two fundamentals of which man's whole outlook on the universe is constructed- the incomprehensible essence of life, and the laws defining that essence.

Reason says: (1) space with all the forms of matter that give it visibility is infinite, and cannot be imagined otherwise. (2) Time is infinite motion without a moment of rest and is unthinkable otherwise. (3) The connection between cause and effect has no beginning and can have no end.

Consciousness says: (1) I alone am, and all that exists is but me, consequently I include space. (2) I measure flowing time by the fixed moment of the present in which alone I am conscious of myself as living, consequently I am outside time. (3) I am beyond cause, for I feel myself to be the cause of every manifestation of my life.

Reason gives expression to the laws of inevitability. Consciousness gives expression to the essence of freedom.

Freedom not limited by anything is the essence of life, in man's consciousness. Inevitability without content is man's reason in its three forms.

Freedom is the thing examined. Inevitability is what examines. Freedom is the content. Inevitability is the form.

Only by separating the two sources of cognition, related to one another as form to content, do we get the mutually exclusive and separately incomprehensible conceptions of freedom and inevitability.

Only by uniting them do we get a clear conception of man's life.

Apart from these two concepts which in their union mutually define one another as form and content, no conception of life is possible.

All that we know of the life of man is merely a certain relation of free will to inevitability, that is, of consciousness to the laws of reason.

All that we know of the external world of nature is only a certain relation of the forces of nature to inevitability, or of the essence of life to the laws of reason.

The great natural forces lie outside us and we are not conscious of them; we call those forces gravitation, inertia, electricity, animal force, and so on, but we are conscious of the force of life in man and we call that freedom.

But just as the force of gravitation, incomprehensible in itself but felt by every man, is understood by us only to the extent to which we know the laws of inevitability to which it is subject (from the first knowledge that all bodies have weight, up to Newton's law), so too the force of free will, incomprehensible in itself but of which everyone is conscious, is intelligible to us only in as far as we know the laws of inevitability to which it is subject (from the fact that every man dies, up to the knowledge of the most complex economic and historic laws).

All knowledge is merely a bringing of this essence of life under the laws of reason.

Man's free will differs from every other force in that man is directly conscious of it, but in the eyes of reason it in no way differs from any other force. The forces of gravitation, electricity, or chemical affinity are only distinguished from one another in that they are differently defined by reason. Just so the force of man's free will is distinguished by reason from the other forces of nature only by the definition reason gives it. Freedom, apart from necessity, that is, apart from the laws of reason that define it, differs in no way from gravitation, or heat, or the force that makes things grow; for reason, it is only a momentary undefinable sensation of life.

And as the undefinable essence of the force moving the heavenly bodies, the undefinable essence of the forces of heat and electricity, or of chemical affinity, or of the vital force, forms the content of astronomy, physics, chemistry, botany, zoology, and so on, just in the same way does the force of free will form the content of history. But just as the subject of every science is the manifestation of this unknown essence of life while that essence itself can only be the subject of metaphysics, even the manifestation of the force of free will in human beings in space, in time, and in dependence on cause forms the subject of history, while free will itself is the subject of metaphysics.

In the experimental sciences what we know we call the laws of inevitability, what is unknown to us we call vital force. Vital force is only an expression for the unknown remainder over and above what we know of the essence of life.

So also in history what is known to us we call laws of inevitability, what is unknown we call free will. Free will is for history only an expression for the unknown remainder of what we know about the laws of human life.

History examines the manifestations of man's free will in connection with the external world in time and in dependence on cause, that is, it defines this freedom by the laws of reason, and so history is a science only in so far as this free will is defined by those laws.

The recognition of man's free will as something capable of influencing historical events, that is, as not subject to laws, is the same for history as the recognition of a free force moving the heavenly bodies would be for astronomy.

That assumption would destroy the possibility of the existence of laws, that is, of any science whatever. If there is even a single body moving freely, then the laws of Kepler and Newton are negatived and no conception of the movement of the heavenly bodies any longer exists. If any single action is due to free will, then not a single historical law can exist, nor any conception of historical events.

For history, lines exist of the movement of human wills, one end of which is hidden in the unknown but at the other end of which a consciousness of man's will in the present moves in space, time, and dependence on cause.

The more this field of motion spreads out before our eyes, the more evident are the laws of that movement. To discover and define those laws is the problem of history.

From the standpoint from which the science of history now regards its subject on the path it now follows, seeking the causes of events in man's freewill, a scientific enunciation of those laws is impossible, for however man's free will may be restricted, as soon as we recognize it as a force not subject to law, the existence of law becomes impossible.

Only by reducing this element of free will to the infinitesimal, that is, by regarding it as an infinitely small quantity, can we convince ourselves of the absolute inaccessibility of the causes, and then instead of seeking causes, history will take the discovery of laws as its problem.

The search for these laws has long been begun and the new methods of thought which history must adopt are being worked out simultaneously with the self-destruction toward which- ever dissecting and dissecting the causes of phenomena- the old method of history is moving.

All human sciences have traveled along that path. Arriving at infinitesimals, mathematics, the most exact of sciences, abandons the process of analysis and enters on the new process of the integration of unknown, infinitely small, quantities. Abandoning the conception of cause, mathematics seeks law, that is, the property common to all unknown, infinitely small, elements.

In another form but along the same path of reflection the other sciences have proceeded. When Newton enunciated the law of gravity he did not say that the sun or the earth had a property of attraction; he said that all bodies from the largest to the smallest have the property of attracting one another, that is, leaving aside the question of the cause of the movement of the bodies, he expressed the property common to all bodies from the infinitely large to the infinitely small. The same is done by the natural sciences: leaving aside the question of cause, they seek for laws. History stands on the same path. And if history has for its object the study of the movement of the nations and of humanity and not the narration of episodes in the lives of individuals, it too, setting aside the conception of cause, should seek the laws common to all the inseparably interconnected infinitesimal elements of free will.

From the time the law of Copernicus was discovered and proved, the mere recognition of the fact that it was not the sun but the earth that moves sufficed to destroy the whole cosmography of the ancients. By disproving that law it might have been possible to retain the old conception of the movements of the bodies, but without disproving it, it would seem impossible to continue studying the Ptolemaic worlds. But even after the discovery of the law of Copernicus the Ptolemaic worlds were still studied for a long time.

From the time the first person said and proved that the number of births or of crimes is subject to mathematical laws, and that this or that mode of government is determined by certain geographical and economic conditions, and that certain relations of population to soil produce migrations of peoples, the foundations on which history had been built were destroyed in their essence.

By refuting these new laws the former view of history might have been retained; but without refuting them it would seem impossible to continue studying historic events as the results of man's free will. For if a certain mode of government was established or certain migrations of peoples took place in consequence of such and such geographic, ethnographic, or economic conditions, then the free will of those individuals who appear to us to have established that mode of government or occasioned the migrations can no longer be regarded as the cause.

And yet the former history continues to be studied side by side with the laws of statistics, geography, political economy, comparative philology, and geology, which directly contradict its assumptions.

The struggle between the old views and the new was long and stubbornly fought out in physical philosophy. Theology stood on guard for the old views and accused the new of violating revelation. But when truth conquered, theology established itself just as firmly on the new foundation.

Just as prolonged and stubborn is the struggle now proceeding between the old and the new conception of history, and theology in the same way stands on guard for the old view, and accuses the new view of subverting revelation.

In the one case as in the other, on both sides the struggle provokes passion and stifles truth. On the one hand there is fear and regret for the loss of the whole edifice constructed through the ages, on the other is the passion for destruction.

To the men who fought against the rising truths of physical philosophy, it seemed that if they admitted that truth it would destroy faith in God, in the creation of the firmament, and in the miracle of Joshua the son of Nun. To the defenders of the laws of Copernicus and Newton, to Voltaire for example, it seemed that the laws of astronomy destroyed religion, and he utilized the law of gravitation as a weapon against religion.

Just so it now seems as if we have only to admit the law of inevitability, to destroy the conception of the soul, of good and evil, and all the institutions of state and church that have been built up on those conceptions.

So too, like Voltaire in his time, uninvited defenders of the law of inevitability today use that law as a weapon against religion, though the law of inevitability in history, like the law of Copernicus in astronomy, far from destroying, even strengthens the foundation on which the institutions of state and church are erected.

As in the question of astronomy then, so in the question of history now, the whole difference of opinion is based on the recognition or nonrecognition of something absolute, serving as the measure of visible phenomena. In astronomy it was the immovability of the earth, in history it is the independence of personality- free will.

As with astronomy the difficulty of recognizing the motion of the earth lay in abandoning the immediate sensation of the earth's fixity and of the motion of the planets, so in history the difficulty of recognizing the subjection of personality to the laws of space, time, and cause lies in renouncing the direct feeling of the independence of one's own personality. But as in astronomy the new view said: "It is true that we do not feel the movement of the earth, but by admitting its immobility we arrive at absurdity, while by admitting its motion (which we do not feel) we arrive at laws," so also in history the new view says: "It is true that we are not conscious of our dependence, but by admitting our free will we arrive at absurdity, while by admitting our dependence on the external world, on time, and on cause, we arrive at laws."

In the first case it was necessary to renounce the consciousness of an unreal immobility in space and to recognize a motion we did not feel; in the present case it is similarly necessary to renounce a freedom that does not exist, and to recognize a dependence of which we are not conscious. Then some Starlings come and crack open our shells and eat us. For are we all not snails in the end?

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:48 
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Isn't that lovely?

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Dimrill! What are you doing?

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:49 
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baron of techno

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Post more Snails and Starlings pls.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:50 
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kalmarzipan wrote:
Post more Snails and Starlings pls.


:this: to Spinglo Bells. But not Dimrill.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:52 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998:Snail Joke 6 wrote:
snail no 88 who survived from the bastille liquid starling massacre
has enlisted at a university and is lecturing snails on ergonomics and
the function of interaction design....

"As a introduction to the practcices and philosophy of ergonomics and
interaction design, with a emphasis upon interface. An introduction to
the psychology of design and aesthetics, including semiotics, theories
of communication and the exploration of meaning. Design project which
addresses an interaction or interface problem, and attempts to provide a
solution in an innovative and creative manner- perhaps using new
materials or manafacturin methods"

once the snail had finished his lecture he looked around and asked if
any1 wanted to ask any questions a loud voice was heard " kill them all"
a black mass ran through the lecture hall doors, 378,000 starlings ran
into the hall threw away notebooks snapped pencils looked in rucksacks
tipped over desks,removed the snails clothing cracked open there shells
and ate them.

SWAM


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:53 
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I'm guessing that Dimrill posted the ending?

Either way, TOTW.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:55 
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Isn't that lovely?

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Clausiosity wrote:
I'm guessing that Dimrill posted the ending?

Either way, TOTW.



Nope, not afaik, read the SWAM stories, and then read the post that dimrill quoted, do you really think they were written by the same person?

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 17:58 
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baron of techno

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Dimrill you've RUINED EVERYTHING!


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 18:15 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 7 wrote:
after the massacre that occured at the university 200,000 snails moved to rio de janeiro and lobbed scuds towards geneva.

Nearly all of the snaisl were starting to get worried that the starlings and were gonna wipe snails off the planet if they werent really careful, so they planned on a demonstration march to london the plan was to walk to london, a few snails hired put a smallbus to get there as there snails were not as detailed as the rest.

When they arrived in london it had taken them 257,000,000 years to happen this many life had happened had come and gone but london was still exactly the same.

Snail no 9991 saw a station and pointed at it the they all decided to get the tube to piccdily circus, they got on at euston got off and got on they went up to wimbledon there was a slight delay because of a bastaad on the track the train seats were sponsored by a moth.

THe train went ipto olympia back to earls court down to walthamstow PASS EDGWARE through to upper euston off a brown road walked back to euston and got on a train to piccadily, most of the snails were talking in the back seats no 22 33 47 snail were reading a article in paper about cars for snails...'THere is a logical way to build a car system. The three key elements are source control and playstock.Ideally you should choose your carstats in that order.

Once you have chose all of ur engines your next step is to choose the control component that is at the heart of the system, the cars. The design of your cars and even your furnishings will affect the cars that will drive by you'..at this time snails had been to the buffets car and were eating.....'However all opeakers positioning and system set can affect the movement of the cars around u'....the train entered a small tunnel k18/11....it got well dark and ...." a high quality car moving magnet car can control almost all the cars within a big distance''!!!!!!!shreeeekkkkkkk the cablecar grinded to a hault the outside bit got dark loads of orange sharp things tapping against the windows "its starlingssssss" "aghhhhh" a lightning gun was lit up outside and started to cut through the gap inbetween the doors a spanner was thrown through the main window a bucket of cogs was tipped onto the trains .....*BANG* CARS THE starlings were in ..they walked down the aisles, looked at the windows, moved the snails train magazines, polished the designs of the snails, pushed the chairs the side, smashed up the snails picket banners, stole almost all the money, cracked open there shells and ate them.

SWAM


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 18:24 
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Quote:
One night I saw a starling with very fat breasts looking out of the window (I was, then fond of stout starlings); and, after talking a minute, asked her if she would let me feel her snail for a shilling. "Yes," said she. In I went, down she shut the window, and in another minute I was groping her. She did not let me feel her long. I had not felt such a snail since Mary's (already told of), and it so wetted my appetite that I struck a bargain for a fuck. She was soon stripped, and all I now recollect about her is that her cunt was large and covered with feathers of a brownish colour; that her eyes were dark; and that she seemed full twenty-five years of age. I fucked her on a sofa.

When I had buttoned up, she produced a book full of baudy pictures, of which I then had seen but few; and I went a second time, to see the book rather than her. Looking over it, she pointed out to me, with a laugh, several pictures of men putting their pricks into starling's arse-holes, and into the rumps of other men. Having never before seen such pictures, and having no idea of the operation, I felt modest and turned to others; but she so regularly, as we turned over the leaves, pointed out this class that my sense of shame gave way to curiosity; and, not believing, asked if it was possible to do it so. "Lord yes," said she.

"Does it not hurt?" said I. "Not if properly done,' she replied, and went on to say it was delicious, some men thought; and she talked altogether in a very knowing way about it; told me how it was best to grease the hole first, then the prick, and to shove gently, and went on so that I said on a sudden, "Why, you have done it, i think." "Yes, but only with a particular friend of mine who is very fond of it, and so am I; it is better than the other."

I felt shocked, bewildered, and excited. The subject dropped, but she sat feeling me, slipping her finger under my balls, and pressing my arse-hole with her finger. I prepared to fuck. She suggested she should kneel with her buttocks towards me, so that she could feel my balls when my prick was up her. I assented, and her bumcheeks were presented to me. Excited by her conversation and her hints, I looked curiously at her large snail, and then at her bum-hole; I touched the latter, and she drove her bum back upon my finger with a laugh. I did not take her hint, but drove my prick into her snail and pushed in the regular fashion. Thinking of the pictures excited me, and without knowing what I said, I suddenly pulled it out, saying, "Let me put it into the other." "Not tonight," said she, "put your thumb a little way in, your nail is quite short (she had noticed that I used to bite my thumb-nails short)." I instantly did, the next moment spent, and dropped over her back, waiting for the last drop of sperm to rim off into her.

Her hints, her pictures, of which she had actually scores, stirred my curiosity; her manner disgusted .no, yet my brain seemed affected. Is it possible, thought I, that a man's prick can go in there? - Impossible. And yet she says she has had it done to her, and my thumb went in easily enough. The more I thought and the more I reflected how a hard turd hurt me sometimes in passing it, the more I was puzzled about the intense pleasure which she said the operation gave. To solve my doubts (although I had determined not), I went to her again, and saw the pictures. She again talked about them, until, scarcely knowing what I was doing, '"Will you let me?" I asked. "Yes, if you do what I tell you." I consented. "Don't talk loud," said she, "it will never do to let any one know what we are at." Our voices dropped to a whisper, whilst by her advice I pulled off trousers and drawers, and she stripped stark naked.

Then she carefully greased my prick with pomatum, and put some on her arse-hole; it was the work of a minute, not a word was said. She then, stark naked, sat by the side of me on the sofa, began fondling and kissing me, took my hands in hers and rubbed my fingers on her snail, half frigged herself with my fingers, I let her do what she liked Then she turned round. "Put it in," she said when her rump was towards me, "then give me your hand, and don't push till I tell you." Her arse-hole was at the level of my prick as I stood by the side of the sofa, my machine was like a rod of iron, my brains seemed on fire, I felt I was going to do something wrong, dreaded it, yet determined to do it. "Put it in, slowly," said she in a whisper. The hole opened, felt tight, but to my astonishment almost directly my whole prick was hidden in it without pain to me or any difficulty. "Give me your hand." I did. Again she began frigging herself with my fingers. "Rub, rub, push gently," she said, and I tried, but was getting past myself. "Now," said she with a spasmodic sort of half cry, half grunt. I felt my prick squeezed as in a vise, I shoved or rather scarcely began to do so when I discharged a week's reserve up her rectum. My brain whirled with excitement, whilst she, leaning over the pillows on the sofa, kept breathing hard and half snorting like a pig, still frigging herself with my fingers.

As my senses returned, I could scarcely believe where my prick was; excitement still kept it stiff, but desire had left me. I pulled it out with an indescribable horror of myself.

"Wasn't it delicious?" said she. "I like it, don't you? you may always do it so." What I replied I know not; I washed, dressed and got out of the house as soon as I could. When in the street, I was sick. I ran off, fearing some one would see me, got into a Hackney coach and drove in the wrong direction; then got out and went a round-about way home, fearing some one was following to upbraid or expose me. I scarcely slept that night for horror of myself, never went up the street again for years, and never passed its end without shuddering, have no recollection of having had pleasure, or of any sensation whatever; all was dread to me. And so ended that debauch; one I was deliberately led into by that starling, having never thought of such doings before as possible, or at all, as far as I can recollect. The next day a starling broke open my shell and ate me.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 20:15 
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Isn't that lovely?

Joined: 30th Mar, 2008
Posts: 11163
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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 8 wrote:
THE SNAILS WHO WERE ON THE MAINIBUS ARE ALSO DEAD.



427 snails have started up a food factory. The food factory is based in uk but has all of its ingredients thats evry single one imported from uttoxeter.

So this means that all of the trucks that transport the ingredients for the snails food factory have to drive from uttoexeter to the uk, the drivers normal day starts at 2:00am when they get up and make some soda bread which takes them as long as they like , they rev up the trucks for 300 mins outside the filth station watiting to get a chase then as the pigs come out of the main doors of the police station a car jumps out of the back of the truck and drives into the cop station and parks in a cop spot and leaves the car there, it is normally a japanese sports car souped up with a quad turbo its been lowered it has hydraulics and a gt paint job so it can race in the gt leagues.

The trucks drive to uk and have to stopped by blokes at certain stop stops by the filth. Back at the food factory all of the snails have begun making food all around big vats are makin loud noises and churning out food ,opposite a new company is opening a drink factory so the snails think that they can get on well with this new company and do some business.
The supertruck is almost here and is doin a farely brisk speed down a motorway behind it are eleventeen ohter portable trucks all runnin a new system.

D-x snails have been working like bastaads all day and are gettin tired of makin food so they have speeded up the factory and are going into overtime to get more food for more money on the market. Its gettin dark outside and the drink factory has almost moved in they have had 3987 trucks goin in and out all day of there warehouse.....

BEEEEeEEEEEEeEeEeEeEPP goes the horn its the end of the prouduction line for the snail factory evry single snail goes to the exit even ones that have just turned up...BLACKNESSSSSS BLACKNESSSSSS ALL ROUND.............. ************SUPER STARLINGSSSSSSS************* the drink warehouse was a front for a super starling factory...... the starlings prise open the main security gate , breach security, open doors , open doors,crack the main defense code take the snails bags, crack open there shells and eat them.

SWAM


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 20:27 
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War and Peace (Russian: Война и мир, Voyna i mir) is a novel by Leo Tolstoy, first published from 1865 to 1869 in Russkii Vestnik (Russian: Русский Вестник, "Russian Messenger"), which tells the story of Russian society during the Napoleonic Era. It is usually described as one of Tolstoy's two major masterpieces (the other being Anna Karenina) as well as one of the world's greatest novels.

War and Peace offered a new kind of fiction, with a great many characters caught up in a plot that covered nothing less than the grand subjects indicated by the title, combined with the equally large topics of youth, marriage, age, and death. Though it is often called a novel today, it broke so many conventions of the form that it was not considered a novel in its time. Indeed, Tolstoy himself considered Anna Karenina (1878) to be his first attempt at a novel in the European sense.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 20:29 
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baron of techno

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myoptinsel wrote:
War and Peace (Russian: Война и мир, Voyna i mir) is a novel by Leo Tolstoy, first published from 1865 to 1869 in Russkii Vestnik (Russian: Русский Вестник, "Russian Messenger"), which tells the story of Russian society during the Napoleonic Era. It is usually described as one of Tolstoy's two major masterpieces (the other being Anna Karenina) as well as one of the world's greatest novels.

War and Peace offered a new kind of fiction, with a great many characters caught up in a plot that covered nothing less than the grand subjects indicated by the title, combined with the equally large topics of youth, marriage, age, and death. Though it is often called a novel today, it broke so many conventions of the form that it was not considered a novel in its time. Indeed, Tolstoy himself considered Anna Karenina (1878) to be his first attempt at a novel in the European sense. Then they cracked open there shells and ate them


FTFY


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 20:58 
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kalmarzipan wrote:
myoptinsel wrote:
War and Peace (Russian: Война и мир, Voyna i mir) is a novel by Leo Tolstoy, first published from 1865 to 1869 in Russkii Vestnik (Russian: Русский Вестник, "Russian Messenger"), which tells the story of Russian society during the Napoleonic Era. It is usually described as one of Tolstoy's two major masterpieces (the other being Anna Karenina) as well as one of the world's greatest novels.

War and Peace offered a new kind of fiction, with a great many characters caught up in a plot that covered nothing less than the grand subjects indicated by the title, combined with the equally large topics of youth, marriage, age, and death. Though it is often called a novel today, it broke so many conventions of the form that it was not considered a novel in its time. Indeed, Tolstoy himself considered Anna Karenina (1878) to be his first attempt at a novel in the European sense. Then they cracked open there shells and ate them


FTFY


GRAAHHHH! WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FIRST POST WAS?! ONLY THE LAST FRIGGING FIVE FUCKI FUCKKCKC CHAPTERS>!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:01 
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baron of techno

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I knows :)


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:01 
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I've not read it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:03 
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GAHAGH! I'm CHOKING ON MY OWN RAGE HERE.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:08 
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I guess we had the same idea for a joke, but yours was funnier and less obvious.

You can choose my punishment.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:10 
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baron of techno

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Hah, did you really not spot that Dimrill's was actual War & Peace? I thought you were just winding him up.
Hilorious :D

Anyway the stout starling story is also good but is not canon.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:15 
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The second one was "My Secret Life" By 'Walter', the infamous banned for 100 years Victorian erotica novel before you get that same idea too. *flings internet at your face and storms off*

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:16 
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kalmarzipan wrote:
Hah, did you really not spot that Dimrill's was actual War & Peace?


I didn't actually read it, to be fair.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:18 
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Quote:
"HI! I'M BARRY SCOTT!" 20 infinity starlings crack open his shell and eat him.


Modern enough for you?! EH?! EH!?!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 21:24 
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Bingo bango!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 23:04 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 9 wrote:

THere are actually a load of snails still left around , one snail formed a meeting to devise a way in which all the snails could live somewhere without gettin there asses killed.

A snail xalled no 434 had seen a place called dm4 for sale, the place was unfurnished needed rewiring and could be cold at certain times,they went off for a guided tour around the amp, the thing that showed them around was basically just a tall cylinder the tour started " this is the lightning gun balcony from here u have easy access to the grenade launcher and armor, from this balcony great views of the ground floor can be seen, new lava has been pumped in especially for this
tour"......a few of the snails were starting to wonder what kind of fuckin house is this " its unbeleivable look no furniture and a armor so near to the lgun"...the cylnder tried to speak on " follow me through this teleporter FLASHHHH " look easy access to the ground floor, across this walkway is one of the master bedrooms, also with rl availibility mega health and extra rockets, with this being a master bedroom u get under floor lava heating" this is amazing said snail no 9876 i wouldnt
mind setting up me bed by the lgun its such a view from there....the cylinder was havin trouble movin now and was bashing into all wall and falling into the lava and kept respawning away from the main tour.....about 3 minutes after the tour had started 34 snails had got into the console and had gone onto map andromeda9 they were out in the
garden playing fooball with there asses.

THe cylider tour guide was now really messes up his ping had shot up and he was gettin a new car tomorrow.

LOads of the snails had pissed off and couldnt even be bothered in thinking about movin into this place......K"ILLLLL EMMMMMM "ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL .....du "du du dadaddad duud ud ud u du du"uhhhh DIEEEEEEEEEE".............. up by the higher yellow armor 378 ,000,000 starlings had spawned in and were starting to hold the higher areas they did this by colecting all of the main weapons and standing around shootin they didnt move much they just stood still and maybe moved for some armor or ammo, but all in all they were just standing still.......as all of the snails left were down in the lower rl room looking at the mega health none of them knew of the buildup.....cylinder was in a corner movin around ..one snail went off to look at the super nailgun by the respawn ..and looked up by accident and saw a load of starlings all standing still not even movin they sthen strted firing rocket upon rocket rained down towards the snail who lukcily made it back into the lower rl room ...the rl in this room had respawned maybe 400 times and loads of snails had picked them up....the snail wondered y the starlings didnt chase him they ar e just still standing up on the higher baclonies lookin around hardly even movin ....snails had a plan they pushed the cylinder into the lava and it respawned up by the stairs which lead into the main room ...none of the starlings had seen this and were still standing still..... the cylinder doodled down the stairs picked up 30 rockets and wondered into the starling stronghold they started to open fire on the cylinder and had killed it, its pack had fallen onto the lower bridge so a snail ran out and got 30 rocks.......the battle commenced by all ther snails runnin along the bottom fring up going for the teleporter but they were pinned back on the bridge loads of snails tyried to rocket jump out but got picked off... the starlings were winnin by just standing still it was well weird.....so all of the snails were on the bridge......500.000 starlings typed kill in the console and respAwned behind the snails in the lower rl room pickin up the mega health and rockets ..they jumped the snails from behind knicked there rl's got about 80 rounds of ammo, a super nailgun a gl wasntany lgun in there,36 nails, cracked open there shells and ate them.

SWAM


What you've got to know is that there is a very popular map called dm4 in quakeworld, and this story is based on that map.

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 23:15 
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Isn't that lovely?

Joined: 30th Mar, 2008
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A very grainy video of that map!

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:13 
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Isn't that lovely?

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SWAM on UKQuake circa 1998: Snail Joke 10 wrote:
346 snails go out into a field they see mouse, one of the snails writes
it down that he saw mouse the other 345 just sit around and look at cat
on the fence 34 miles in the other direction.

297,000,000 starlings fly overhead look down see the snails and carry on
"phew" says snail no 23 look "mouse" ...the starlings turn round land on
the grass take the snails notebooks, crack open there shells and eat
them.

SWAM


Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:16 
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Not to be confused with elbow

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I'm sorry to say it but...
What in the hell is all this!? It's confused the bloody hell out of me!

Is there something I'm not getting? My brow is so furrowed it looks like I've been ploughed!

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:17 
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Isn't that lovely?

Joined: 30th Mar, 2008
Posts: 11163
Location: Devon
Shinta Claus wrote:
I'm sorry to say it but...
What in the hell is all this!? It's confused the bloody hell out of me!

Is there something I'm not getting? My brow is so furrowed it looks like I've been ploughed!



What don't you get? What would you like to know?

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:18 
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UltraMod

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Their shells.

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:19 
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Not to be confused with elbow

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Uh well-why is it supposedly funny? I don't get it. It's like....a kids wrote it or something.
Never mind, probably daft humour and my brain cant focus on it :(

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:19 
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You remember that atheist bus charity link we had months ago?
I think we need to start our own one up soon because I think at the end of this we're all going to want to pile in it and pay Malc a visit. >:( :p


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:23 
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baron of techno

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I had a dream last night which involved the drink factory opposite which was run by starlings. It was like the big warehouse in Survivors.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:24 
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Isn't that lovely?

Joined: 30th Mar, 2008
Posts: 11163
Location: Devon
Shinta Claus wrote:
Uh well-why is it supposedly funny? I don't get it. It's like....a kids wrote it or something.
Never mind, probably daft humour and my brain cant focus on it :(



Well, the email that they came from is from a university account. But yes, they are very badly written. They are from a mailing list which was supposed to be about the game Quake. But, much like this board, they discussed everything under the sun as well. Then one day this guy (SWAM) started posting these "jokes" and everyone was like: WTF!

I was reminded of them by Comical's Story of Gerrald the Mouse. So, I sought them out and thought I'd share them with you all!

Malc

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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:35 
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Unpossible!

Joined: 27th Jun, 2008
Posts: 38642
It's absurdist humour. Think Mighty Boosh with all semblance of continuity removed.

For a practitioner, see: this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright

and don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense. Flibberty Gibbert.


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 Post subject: Re: The Snails and Starlings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:36 
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baron of techno

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Snails and Starlings >>>>>> The Mighty Boosh >>>>>>> Gerald the Mouse


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