Be Excellent To Each Other

So I'm the garden cutting the hedge and our twat of a neighbour comes out with his mate. Its mid-afternoon, they are blind drunk.

They sit down and peer through the hedge - "Our neighbours", they say, "are bad people. In fact, I'm going to burn their fucking fruit trees down. And this hedge. And probably their house. In fact, we're leaving, so I'll burn it all down before I go."

This is aimed at me. I just say "No you won't, you fucking idiot." His mate chirps up and "I'll kick your arse as well"

"Yeah, yeah whatever."

"I'll do it."

"No you won't you fat fuck."

In summary, I've got one loon hanging over my fence threatening to kick the shit out of my "Don't take me on *bits his own knuckle* I'M A PSYCHO! I DON'T LIVE HERE! I CAN KILL YOU AND NOONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM!"

Caroline is on the phone to the police at the back window, they can hear it all.

"YOU'RE A QUEER BOY! I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND RAPE YOU!"
"Technically, that would make you gay."
"I'M TRISEXUAL!"
"Man, woman and animal, I presume."

The two of them are no threatening me with assualt and start having a go at Caroline. "She's a whore! She's a prostitute! I thought she was your mother!"

"Oh fuck off and do something you normally do, like beat up your wife!"
"DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY WOMAN LIKE THAT! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"OK, I won't talk about your wife"
"DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY WOMAN LIKE THAT! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"I won't call her a whore."
"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"I won't call her a prostitute."
"ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL COME OVER THERE AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"I won't call her a hooker."
"ONE MORE WORD!"
"No you won't!"
"ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL COME OVER THERE!"
"No you won't you fat fucking parasite!"

Repeat for a bit.

Police arrive. Motion me to be quiet.

"I'LL KILL YOU. AND HE'LL BURN IT ALL. WE'RE LEAVING ANYWAY, WE'LL BURN IT ALL."

Upshot is, two arrests and we're in fear for our safety and our property. I'm shaking like a leaf, been to the loo so many times, witness statements (neighbour has it all on a mobile) and I have no idea how we're going to sleep tonight.

Umm... i honestly don't know what to say. I hope that you and your missus are OK, in te immediate, but have you had any run-ins with these neighbours before?

Our blog has over 400 entries on noise and abusive behaviour. The Environmental Health Officer was round past midnight last night because of noise and them beating the shit out of each other. We've met the local Councillor, Housing Officers are trying to do something.

They've been arrested on an "intent" offence. Not sure what. They'll take interviews from the neighbours when they've sobered up.

Wow, sorry to hear that. These people are scum, I am getting angry thinking about it. God knows how you must feel!

Plissken, you're an absolute fucking DUDE that has dealt with this troublesome situation in the most awesome way possible. You haven't brought yourself down to the level of these chav cunts, and I'm sure if they had any real intent of harm they wouldn't have stopped to threaten you for so long while simultaneously failing to act.

Given these people are irrecoverable twats, it means that they're most likely to do something in the exact situation you've just been in, but they didn't. There were two of them and they didn't have the balls to do more than shout at you. Sleep easy mate, rest assured they haven't got the stones to do more than make drunken, idle threats.

Double plus bonus points for getting the fuckers arrested, although I appreciate this is a stressful and upsetting situation for intelligent, civilised people like you and your wife.

These people are like farts. They're loud, they smell, but they ain't worth shit.

Fucking hell dude! That's just awful. Hopefully something will get done about them this time.

Holy cow. Hope you can sleep soundly, and that they're all mouth and no action, but their sense of righteous anger has definitely been piqued - not by you, but by themselves working up into a frenzy - so cross fingers that the police will stay interested and make it quite clear what the consequences even of a swear word in your direction will be.

Edit: Love the "won't call" bit.

I know they live next door, but can you get an injunction?

Fuck man. I expected this thread to be about frustating packaging or something else equally trivial.

Good Luck!

This is gold.

Hope something closer to a permanent solution comes of this.

It's Sunday. We've got Environmental Health and Housing to call tomorrow. I just... don't know.

A shitty situation, Plissy. I hope you get it sorted sharpish.

What a couple of pricks. That bit where they say they're leaving, hopefully at least there's some truth in that and the twat is moving soon, though pity the next neighbour he moves next to.

I suppose most people wouldn't know what to do for the best here - make a stand, or keep quiet and keep your head down. It's a scary prospect, either way.

Yikes man, that's pretty terrible.

Well done for standing up to the fuckers and getting them arrested. Hope everything turns out okay. I really doubt they'll do anything now, so hopefully you'll be fine.

"You have got a very big nose". Only more real and scary.

Don't envy you at all. The worst my neighbours do is shag overly loudly every so often.

Just been to the neighbours at the other side of the problem pair, who have about 20 minutes of recording that they have given to the police, along with a statement.

Apparently, the ones who giving us the abuse were both so drunk that one of them feel asleep in the police van. They aren't going to be out tonight, so we've taken some sleeping pills and are going to try and get some kip. I think the charge will be threatening behaviour and intent to damage property. Psycho boy is on license as well, as the cops overheard a conversation to "say you don't know me".

Oh and apparently the arresting officer was awesome when he went around to them.

"I believe there has been a bit of aggro."
"No, no officer. We're just sat here drinking a beer."
"Really. Just sat there?"
"Yeah."
"Well, one of us is lying. Either you. Or me. Because I've been stood at the other side of the hedge for ten minutes."
"Shit."
"Put the beer down. You're under arrest."

That's gold.

Jesus H fucking christ in a chicken basket, dude.

You dealt with that a hell of a lot more calmly than I would have, so kudos. Fingers crossed for a resolution that involves them fucking off, you being left in peace and the volume going down some.

Having had some moderately bad neighbours (but nothing on the scale of this) I can well appreciate how much of an out-of-your-control problem neighbours can be, and how wonderful my current, quiet, considerate, lovely old neighbours are.

What does this mean, please?

Id have gone inside, got my paintball gun, and PJ and Duncan'd them

no but seriously, 10/10
pretty horrible reading

Police: "And who's this with you?"
Knob A: "Seriously officer, I don't know him, and he's definatley not already on bail."

I think that was their plan.

I think it means he's already done something bad and has been let out of prison on the condition he doesn't as much as sneeze.

Kudos to Plissken for coping so well. They'd have to be exceptionally stupid to try anything now.

One thing I would consider would be setting up a spare PC with a copy of Conquercam on timelapse discretly pointing into the front or back garden. Just in case. So cheap to do. Conquercam is really cheap shareware, but the evaluation version never expires either and it time and date stamps the images. We did this at Mrs Chinnys parents after a spate of local thefts, but they've now graduated up to a dedicated security PVR which is awesomeness itself.

Yeah, as Comical said earlier, if your neighbour isn't prepared to do anything more than gob off when he's full of lager *and* with the backup of a cockend of a mate in tow, I'd suspect you'll be okay. Hopefully any future encounter with him would be of the shuffling feet, staring at ground, "we alright mate, yeah?" variety.

I think he should invite CG and his chainsaw/axe to stay for a few days. Buy a carcus from the local butcher and let CG hack bits of meat up in the garden for a laugh while playing the hits of Tom Jones. Like "Mr Jolly Lives Next Door".

Shitting crikey! Only just read this. Must echo the views that A: You are awesome and kudos to the quick-witted wife to tape it, and to your neighbours. At least you aren't alone in this, and I assume the police if unable to get something decent done in removing them from your presence will at least be saying to them, "We know who you are. If you say anything to Mr Plissken and his wife and their neighbours, or do anything to their property, we'll come down on your arse. And we'll know its you, if anything happens."

It's basically "Look, we're giving you a chance here, you fuck up again, no matter HOW fucking small, it's back inside. No questions", if I recall correctly. I'll ask one of the chavs by the shop later.

The barking dog rarely bites., so don't worry about them.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about the incidents, Mr P and hope that you and your good wife get stuff sorted soon.

Chinny, don't you need to put up signs if you use any kind of CCTV/security cameras?

The neighbour who taped it all says yes. And it can be really small. He also works for a CCTV company, so is lending us a camera and recording equipment.

Caroline didn't sleep much last night. I practically collapsed due to the adrenaline comedown. Still shaking this morning. Gone past fear and into all out anger. I just want it all to go to court, I don't want the CPS to let it drop.

With only two drawbacks. Psycho Boy is Knob A's nephew. And married to his wifes sister.

Yes, I know. Work that out if you can.

And they already told the police they'd been in the house drinking together, but apart from that it sounds like a flawless plan.

Sorry to hear about all this and hope you manage to come to some acceptable solution (although I've no idea what it might be, short of getting new neighbours).

So he can run Plissken's neighbours over?

Like everyone has said before, you've handled a shitty situation very very well.

I hope everything gets sorted for you as quickly as possible.

Wow.

Perhaps he could contact your neighbours for some advice eh Z?

Infinite bananas.

The three sets that have moved away?

So - are they actually leaving?

Cripes! I have no idea how I'd handle this situation, but it would've been 100,000 times less well than you did. Good luck with getting them out, fella.

Gradually.

No, they were just a little tired, so Pliskken encouraged them to have a rest.

Christ sake

Well handled Plissken but not a nice thing to have going on.

Threats to kill are pretty seriously frowned upon, even when administered blind drunk.

Even if they're not banged up and/or forcibly moved on, with all that evidence (and the noise pollution stuff) you should be able to get an ASBO banning them from being within, say, 100 yards of your house.

Tricky for them if the live next door, no?

That would be ace if the distance included their own house.

Don't know. They are on the transfer register but have definitely turned one down*. TBH, I suspect they know the game is up, so want to be seen to be doing something - they'll just keep turning down the transfers. They've wrecked the interior of the house, so its not the sort of place people will want to move to.

I just have to keep faith that the wheels will keep grinding. Its not easy.



*The street is a mix of council and private - ours is ex-council. Daughter in law of the neighbour on our other side is a council resident, heard about it and asked to view. She said yes to a move even though it is a complete tip, but the problem neighbours wouldn't move to hers. The system is being played to its fullest.

Just to clarify and not make light of Plisskens situation.

I've had a three sets of noisy neighbors who have left of their own accord. Only the last set (who used to have Elton John Karaoke parties* until 4am) did I ever retaliate against (with louder music and thumping the wall). My current neighbors are ok but they do have a thing about slamming all their cupboard doors and drawers from time to time, and mowing the lawn at 7.30am.



*Rugby players are all closet benders.

If it's in a public areas, or a place the public can gain access to. If it's on private property or inside your house, I don't think so.

At Mrs Chinnys parents we don't have a sign.

My sister in law is having problems with a neighbour down her road. The neighbour is recently divorced and has taken to setting up a video screen in the back garden, and watching TMF or just playing loud music whilst her friends and her sit nad drink until 4am. It is, apparently, rather irritating. Especially as they wish to move.