Christ, okay then, here goes, in approximate order:
"Martin" the Austin Maestro: My first car. It cost £300 and I filled it with just under a kilowatt of speakers. Had it for nearly a year but the sub-frame broke when I jumped it over a bridge
"Neville" the Vauxhall Nova 1.4 SRi: Still has the best third gear of any car I've ever driven. Nase rolled it into a ditch.
"Ronnie" the Rover 627 si: Cor, fuck, this was a stupid car for a nineteen year old to have. It went like the clappers.
"Little Brother" the Astra estate: Here begins my love of estate cars. Although I drove it into a flood and bent the conrods.
"Dummy" the Mini City: Oh Lord. 0-60 in eighteen seconds. Eighteen!
"Vinnie" the Astra estate: This one shat a piston out on the A14.
"Billy Hoyle" the Fiesta 1.1 Poplar Plus: Billy Hoyle was white. The water pump went and it cooked itself.
"Twitchy" the Astra Turbo: This motherfucker went far too fast for the chassis to cope with, and constantly tried to throw itself off the road. It never quite managed it, though.
"Ally" the Almera: Quite fun, but not as fun as you'd think. Will never be forgotten because of something a girl did in the passenger seat once.
"Doris" the Datsun Cherry: What a lump of shit this was! We got out a paint roller and put white Viper stripes on it. I think I scrapped this one when I got bored of it.
"Shitcan" the Sierra: A 4x4 XR4i that had nearly everything wrong with it, which I bought for £50 to play 45 and In with in some fields with some mates, where the four wheel drive and the ability to go like a fucking rocket in reverse helped me to many victories. It only had reverse, second and third to choose from. This went to the scrappy too, which is a bugger as it's worth a fucking fortune now.
"Alice" the Astra: This one got blue Viper stripes!
"Little Ron" the heavily-modified Rover 420 GSi - I got this off a mate when the timing belt went and stripped the engine down and rebuilt it with performance parts one Christmas. It went like buggery, and probably still would be if I'd thought to upgrade the cooling system as well.
"Gooooold" the Fiesta 1.1 Poplar Plus: I definitely had this one before Little Ron. Can't remember when though. Christ, they were lumps of shit. This one was gold / beige.
"Beast" the Suzuki Vitara: Another one for playing car games in fields with. Only the front nearside wheel had drive to it, and if you steered sharply one way you had to steer the other way for a bit before you could go straight again.
"Foggy" the Orion: Aw, I quite liked the Orion, mainly because my overriding memories of it were driving from Bedford to Newcastle to see my then-girlfriend, who was a filth-bag and would send encouraging text messages for the duration of the drive. I can't remember what happened to Foggy. I think I sold him.
"Jolly Ugly" the Peugeot 500 Estate: for moving Disco gear around in. An utter lump of shit that we delighted in driving into its grave. When it went for an MOT the reasons it failed took up three bits of paper.
"Big Ron" the Rover 627 Vitesse: Oh mother of God, did I like Big Ron. It was a 2.7 V6! It had room for massive speakers in the boot! It held the road surprisingly well! It had voodoo-like electrical problems! I mean, one time I came back from shopping and it was idling away in the multi-story car park, and I still had the keys in my hand. Sadly the stupid electronics eventually caused it to stop wanting to be a car
"The Super-Venga Bus" the Fiat Ducato Maxi: Holy shit, we bought a minibus to move Disco gear around in and it was the BEST THING
EVER. Want to take five people to the airport? BUS! Want to move a mate's sofa? BUS! Want something to stand on so you can clear out the guttering? BUS! We wired it so it could play music through the disco speakers, fitted it with under-BUS neons, and loved it to death. It lasted three years before it fell apart. Not bad for £100.
"Frank" the Focus: Yawn.
"Bloo" the Focus: Yawn.
"Maureen" the Mazda Sport: This was more like it, right up until it decided it didn't like oil any more, the cunting thing.
"Fugly" the Merc: I can't even remember what kind it was. Flickr can, though - a 190D Automatic. It was SO SLOW.
"Mo" the Mondeo: I think you all know how I felt about my Mondeo
"Jeremy" the Range Rover: Yup.
"Eddie" the Ford Transit: A replacement for The Super-Venga bus, but no-where near as good. It was called Eddie because it had a massive Eagle sticker on the front. We lost this one.
"Fred" the Focus: Yawn, although the newer models are much better than the older ones.
"Jeremy" the Tomcat: Well, technically it's still the same car as the Range Rover, but, you know.
"Jaaaag" the Jaguar: Ha! I quite liked the Jag. It was a massive barge of a car that went like a train and probably used more fuel, too.
"Rudolph" the Fiesta: An A1 pileup put an end to Fred on the way back from Gaywood's house on Thanksgiving, and we got a Red Fiesta which I unexpectedly fell in love with. It was fucking great! If the stupid child wasn't too big to get into the back I'd fuck the Focus off in a heartbeat.
"Batman" the Focus: Yawn. I mean, it's an excellent car, but... Yawn.
"Boomer" the Puma: An unexpected love story, and my current daily driver.
Things I've forgotten or can't figure out where they go in the list:
An Astra estate that was cut and welded to turn it into a pickup
A blue Escort, which I remember successfully shouting it back to life in Hunstanton
A red Peugeot 306, which we tried to fit with a hydraulic handbrake, but it didn't work
A red Mondeo that ran on LPG
A green Discovery which I took back because the low-range gearbox didn't work right