Be Excellent To Each Other

As mentioned in B&B, mince pies have started to arrive in the shops.
I'm sure you all agree, a dedicated mince pie thread is needed so we can share our reviews of the current crop and make sure everyone gets to enjoy the best mince pies possible this year.

Reviews here please, I want to know about size, flavour, consistency, filling density and appearance. Plus anything else you think appropriate.
Hot or cold is fine, but if you eat them cold then Santa will be mad and you'll get no presents, and I will ignore your reviews.
Please state what you had with them, as the accompaniment is important and will affect your eating pleasure. We need to know if the pie was eaten with double cream, ice cream, brand butter, whipped cream, custard, ketchup, mustard, your mum's breast milk, etc...

First sighting of mince pies in the wild this year, taken from my evil facebook feed, in what looks like a M&S.

Fuck yeah!

As I was saying, there's a perfect ratio of mince pie goodness. The really cheap pies are shit. They're dry with crappy horrible pastry and a smear of filling. However the really posho ones aren't great either because they have too much filling.

I'll still devour them all, though.

Oh, I never bother with accompaniments either. I just eat them as they come. Many at a time. Unless it's a special occasion (like, someone else is offering me one with cream or whatever).

I'll check Morrisons and Tesco at some point this week and get some reviews in.

What kind of freak eats hot mince pies? Surely the optimum mince pie eating time is straight after they're taken out of the shopping bag, direct from the little foil tray?

Plus, the only way to eat a mince pie is to nuke it in the microwave till the pastry goes really soft and you are scared to touch it unless it explodes in a cloud of steam and burns your face off. You can then pour cold cream, or ice cream on it and hope that it has cooled down enough before you take your first bite.

Plus, brandy butter tastes fucking awful, and should never be seen anywhere near a mince pie. Cream or ice cream are the only acceptable add-ons.

Man, you have not lived, try it. Microwave for a minute, add cream, enjoy.

I get my mince pies a minute quicker than you do. It's all about efficiency. Also, cream means a plate and washing up. Do you just enjoy wasting your life?

Unless, as I say, someone else is willing to do the heating and cream pouring for me. And as long as I don't burn my mouth because that person nuked them for too long.

Seriously, try it, some things are worth the wait and the clean up afterwards.

Your mum for example.

Excellent.

Mince Pies MUST have a hard top. Soft tops are an indicator of poor quality.

An example of a hard top mince pie is a Kipling.

If there are to be recommendations they must include a soft/hard to section otherwise there will be dissatisfaction all round for fellow consumers.

And that ain't in the spirit of the mince pie now, is it.

Morrison's shortcrust mince pies are my favourite so far from the supermarkets, I reckon. I could repeatedly and happily shovel packets and packets of them into my face. And will! As soon as they come back.

I only found out two years ago that mince pies don't actually have mince in them. I don't actually eat them myself so never thought much about it; although I realise that's no excuse for such idiocy.

As someone who feels the quality of a mince pie can make or break the holiday season, I am all over this. Tell me what to eat, Beex!

Pretty sure they used to, and they do have suet in, of course.

No excuse for not eating them though, weirdo.

I recall Heston's ones from Waitrose being lovely.

That's because he vertically aligns every morsel of fruity filling.

And puts real mints in them.

They were very tasty, however:



Not mince pies.

Clearly says 'mince pies' on the box.

Regrettably, Heston > Craster.

Costco are my favourite, though they don't really count, having a sponge top.

Yep. I trust Heston over some contrarian pedant forum tosser.

I didn't realise Myp had given his opinion.

That was meant in jest, by the way... Upon reading it again it looks like I was possibly genuinely on the offensive.

SPONGE TOP!?

HERESY!

Plus the Costco ones are massive, aren't they? A mince pie should be small and perfectly formed.

Pedantry not cheffing skills, my dear boy, is what's impotent when defining baked goods classification criteria.

Leaving that typo there.

The best mince pies are made with puff pastry.

Oh look. sickening wrong-headed idiot boy has turned up to be a sickening wrong-headed idiot.

Really? I thought they were terrible, far too much pastry, not enough mince, and they tasted of toilet duck when sprinkled with the pine fresh toilet cleanser.

A trap a number of mince pie makers fall into with their higher quality versions is to use low sugar mince meat which has aged, so is very vinegary. Also Waitrose use far too much pastry.

This is getting deep. Deeper than a deep-filled mince pie.

Mince Pies?

Fuck that.

Mince and Onion Pies!

Start your own bloody thread then.

Nah.

About time this was derailed.

And you know what works well with that? Fat. Ice cream, double cream, brandy butter, clotted cream.

And also what works well? Heat.

Oh, your list? Yes, Yes, No, Yes.

Onion gravy.

Sainsbury's in-store bakery ones are usually pretty awesome.

They're quite wide and thus shallow, made from nice shortcrust pastry, and have granulated sugar liberally sprinkled on the (hard) top. The mincemeat is nice but ordinary - none of that "luxury" rubbish.

I haven't seen any this year yet, though - fingers crossed they don't "improve" / recession-ise them!

None in tesco yet

Sainsbury's bog standard deep fill mince pies. On offer for 82p.
Review to follow tonight

Sainsbury's deep fill mince pies.

Presentation : bog standard mince pie, nothing to write home about.
Taste : pretty good, could do with a bit more sugar as the pastry was slightly bland, filling taste was good but also a bit bland.
Filling : very full, top marks.
Size : standard small size
Value : bargain!

Rating : 7/10

7/10 for bland pastry and bland filling? Doesn't leave too much room for improvement.

What this review tells us is that trooper is cheap.

Extra points were given for the very full filling and bargainous price! Plus I did say it tasted pretty good, just a bit bland.

We need a formula:

MP=F(0.8P)(1/Pr)(0.5S)
Where
F = filling taste out of 10
P = Pastry taste out of 10
Pr = the price of an individual pie in pence
S = is weight of an individual pie in grams.

I think I'll remark, 20 points for each category, giving a mark out of 100.

Sainsbury's deep fill mince pie

P : 10
T : 13
F : 18
S : 10
V : 17

Total : 68/100

I gave you a formula and everything!

Yeah. It was rubbish.

So we went from 7/10 to 68%.
Thanks for that, Trooper.