Zombies

Morte · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 11:53

Everyone loves Zombies. You'd be a fool not to, from George Romero's splendid films, through Fulchi's not quite so splendid films to Max Brooks great books we all love a bit of zombie action so it amused me to find this little piece:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5- ... appen.html

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

from that link wrote:

Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.

This bug infects rats, but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like the beginning of the most fucked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.

Of course, those are just rats, right?

Oh my good lord. That is so cool I think I might need to pee.

Squirt · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6613

Luckily, I've had a zombie survival kit in the cupboard under the stairs for a while now. Windup torch, radio, bite-proof clothing, tin opener, big whacking stick for cracking skulls, map, clean pair of undies. All set for the upcoming end of civilization!

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Squirt wrote:

Luckily, I've had a zombie survival kit in the cupboard under the stairs for a while now. Windup torch, radio, bite-proof clothing, tin opener, big whacking stick for cracking skulls, map, clean pair of undies. All set for the upcoming end of civilization!

My wife is a bit worried that I have a similar collection, including a sword and a big axe. Axes are the essential zombie-survival tool. And pretty good for chopping down wood, too.

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:00

Mr Chris wrote:

from that link wrote:

Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.

This bug infects rats, but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like the beginning of the most fucked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.

Of course, those are just rats, right?

Oh my good lord. That is so cool I think I might need to pee.

That's not actually quite correct, but close enough.

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:00

Squirt wrote:

Luckily, I've had a zombie survival kit in the cupboard under the stairs for a while now. Windup torch, radio, bite-proof clothing, tin opener, big whacking stick for cracking skulls, map, clean pair of undies. All set for the upcoming end of civilization!

Hmm. I thought I was the only one that did this.

NervousPete · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:03

I am ill-prepared for a zombpocalyspe, can one of you let me in if I hammer on the door frantically? I'll bring cake. Honest.

Morte · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:04

nervouspete wrote:

I am ill-prepared for a zombpocalyspe, can one of you let me in if I hammer on the door frantically? I'll bring cake. Honest.

Tinned goods and an actual hammer would be more appropriate.

Squirt · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6613

Seems like a few of us have survival kits. We should plan to all meet up, so we can build a new soceity, one based on fairness and fraternity and arguing about The Mighty Boosh. Who lives near a farm in the hills were we can grow our own crops and live a life of pastoral bliss, far away from zombie infested cities?

ElephantBanjoGnome · **Joined:** 22nd Dec, 2010 **Posts:** 8175

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:09

Dudes. Chainsaw and Shotgun.

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:10

I used to post a lot on allthingszombie.com, and there were some people on there who practiced with their katana everyday in preparation for the inevitable.

Morte · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:11

Zardoz wrote:

Dudes. Chainsaw and Shotgun.

The problem there (and it's a fundamental schoolboy zombie apocalypse error) is that you will soon run out of ammo for the shotty and petrol for the chainsaw. Some form of sappers shovel would be your best weapon for offing the zombie scourge.

Shewolf · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:12

I guess I have a kind of survival kit.
This only works if I am in my bedroom when the shit hits the fan though, bit hard to carry all this shit around.
Especially the swords.

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:12

Whatever Morte. I'll look the dogs bollocks, shovel boy.

itsallwater · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:14

Quote:

Toxoplasma gondii is a species of parasitic protozoa in the genus Toxoplasma.[1] The definitive host of T. gondii is the cat, but the parasite can be carried by the vast majority of warm-blooded animals, including humans.

from wikipedia

Run! Run! Run to the hills!

Morte · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:14

Zardoz wrote:

Whatever Morte. I'll look the dogs bollocks, shovel boy.

This has made me lol in the office...I am now being looked at.

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:16

Fools! Silence is the key to survival. Noisy projectile weapons and loud fucking chainsaws will bring them closer. I have several sets of earplugs stored away to protect against the MADNESS caused by all the zombage groaning while I'm besieged. Markg will fare well on his relatively noiseless skateboard travel system. Also, I ... erm... carry a shovel in my car boot at all times. When people ask I say it's in case I get stuck in snow in bad weather, but really it's for clouting zombage.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

I have a flail. Nothing finer for bustin' up zombie heads. Need a bit of room around me, though.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

I've been reading that site all night, too. It is painfully funny. Was it RPS that linked you, too?

I read about a similar parasite as a kid - it needs to get from an ant to a bird, so it makes the ant climb a tall blade of grass or plant and shout "your mum's a slag" in Bird until the ant gets eaten. I think there was a third stage, possibly involving an animal, but I was about 11 at the time so am not too sure.

The best defence against zombies is to hang around with people slightly who are slightly slower than you. Tigers, also.

Curiosity · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:19

I am fully prepped for the zombie apocalypse, as I have a room set aside with a typewriter, and a large box to store items in.

Shewolf · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:20

Craster wrote:

I have a flail. Nothing finer for bustin' up zombie heads. Need a bit of room around me, though.

But is it a rat flail?

Not making noise, moving around much or using lights seems to be the key.
However I do like the hiding in a pub idea.

Squirt · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6613

I've always thought a chainsaw could be pretty risky in a "infectious zombie" situation. All that splatter is gonna spread the zombie plague around. The last thing you want is to breath in zombie mist.

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:24

I'm including a flamethrower and nail bombs in my kit.

I don't care about the noise, I'm all about head count bwoy.

Oh and a protective suit to protect me from infection:

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:26

Zman! You have a wife and child to think about now! You're too old to go to raves!

andyb · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 489

Squirt wrote:

Who lives near a farm in the hills were we can grow our own crops and live a life of pastoral bliss, far away from zombie infested cities?

/waves

pupil · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:27

Zardoz wrote:

Oh and a protective suit to protect me from infection:

Fucking, THIS! Evapor-8 them zombies!

Morte · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:30

sinister agent wrote:

I've been reading that site all night, too. It is painfully funny. Was it RPS that linked you, too?

I read about a similar parasite as a kid - it needs to get from an ant to a bird, so it makes the ant climb a tall blade of grass or plant and shout "your mum's a slag" in Bird until the ant gets eaten. I think there was a third stage, possibly involving an animal, but I was about 11 at the time so am not too sure.

The best defence against zombies is to hang around with people slightly who are slightly slower than you. Tigers, also.

Yes I found it via RPS, never seen it before and now I can't stop reading the bloody thing.

Zardoz · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:31

Dimrill wrote:

Zman! You have a wife and child to think about now! You're too old to go to raves!

You can take Zardoz out of a Rave, but you can't take the Rave out of Zardoz!

I'M ON A MISSION! WHOOOP WHOOOP BANG BZZZZZZZ SPLAT!

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

sinister agent wrote:

The best defence against zombies is to hang around with people slightly who are slightly slower than you. Tigers, also.

Yes, tigers would be useful to have around you in the event of a zombi-pocolypse. HOWEVER. If they then get bitten, everyone knows animal zombies are even faster than their non-zombified brethren, so it's a bit of a sword of Damocles, really. I'd leave the tiger at home.

Oh... hang on... Sorry.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

I think I just invented the coolest weapon in history.

pupil · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:36

IMPORTANT QUESTION!!!11!!!!!

What happens if a Zombie gets bitten by another Zombie? Does the bitten Zombie become a normal human again?

Shewolf · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:37

pupil wrote:

IMPORTANT QUESTION!!!11!!!!!

What happens if a Zombie gets bitten by another Zombie? Does the bitten Zombie become a normal human again?

Zombies never bite other zombies though do they? They have some kind of 'oh, he's infected already' sensor.

kalmar · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:38

What happens if it's a vegan zombie?

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:38

Do zombies shit? They eat an awful lot of human flesh but I've yet to find any zombie droppings...

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

I think I just invented the coolest weapon in history.

Didn't Worms do that, but with a sheep? I seem to remember that backfiring a few times, too.

I'd like to cut more of a Ving Rhames figure during the zombie invasion, you see, rather than Simon Pegg.

Squirt · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6613

The thick fur of a tiger would make it virtually immune to human bites, rendering it a powerful ally. You're only in trouble if there are other large carnivores already zombified. Bears for instance. Other useful animals in this scenario would be gorillas, rhinos, and if you are in a coastal region, killer whales.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

The Russians had dogs trained to run under tanks with explosives strapped to them.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Dimrill wrote:

Do zombies shit? They eat an awful lot of human flesh but I've yet to find any zombie droppings...

They suffer form massive constipation. All protein and no fibre, you see.

If zombies break into the Shredded Wheat factory we're all royally in the shit, though.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Craster wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

The Russians had dogs trained to run under tanks with explosives strapped to them.

Briefly, until they started running back towards the T-34s they'd been trained with, expecting to find food under them.

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:40

I'll cut a more Dr Tongue figure, hopefully.

Aw who am I kidding... I'll be more a Captain Haggerty

kalmar · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:40

Mr Chris wrote:

Dimrill wrote:

Do zombies shit? They eat an awful lot of human flesh but I've yet to find any zombie droppings...

They suffer form massive constipation. All protein and no fibre, you see.

If zombies break into the Shredded Wheat factory we're all royally in the shit, though.

I bet they wouldn't be able to eat three.

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:41

Craster wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

The Russians had dogs trained to run under tanks with explosives strapped to them.

Is it an urban myth or is it a fact htat they only associated the underside of Russian tanks with food, so the whole thing was a non starter?

I remember reading about it in a book called "The Book of Heroic Failures" or somesuch.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

MaliA wrote:

Craster wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

The Russians had dogs trained to run under tanks with explosives strapped to them.

Is it an urban myth or is it a fact htat they only associated the underside of Russian tanks with food, so the whole thing was a non starter?

I remember reading about it in a book called "The Book of Heroic Failures" or somesuch.

^^^

Curiosity · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:42

Squirt wrote:

The thick fur of a tiger would make it virtually immune to human bites, rendering it a powerful ally. You're only in trouble if there are other large carnivores already zombified. Bears for instance. Other useful animals in this scenario would be gorillas, rhinos, and if you are in a coastal region, killer whales.

What if the tiger bites the zombie? Does that infect the tiger?

Dimrill · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:44

Only if there's blood to blood contact, or the zombie blood gets into the tiger's bloodstream. He'll be fine if you carry some listerine for to wash it's mouth out with afterwards. Good luck with that.

sinister agent · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 7046

Mr Chris wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

Tigers implanted with remote mines.

I think I just invented the coolest weapon in history.

Didn't Worms do that, but with a sheep? I seem to remember that backfiring a few times, too.

I'd like to cut more of a Ving Rhames figure during the zombie invasion, you see, rather than Simon Pegg.

Madness. By all reasonable measures, Duane Jones is the best zombie apocalypse survival figure. Quite apart from doing absolutely everything he possibly could right, he slaps the panicky idiot in the face. That's an automatic finalist even before he starts systematically destroying zombies with a table leg.

Tigers are better than sheep, clearly - they're already very useful if you don't ever detonate them. Doing so becomes merely a tactical option if there's a particularly tight knight group of zombs that are worth sacrificing a tiger, and a defensive measure should the tiger bezomb.

Explosive dogs would be to explosive tigers what pistols are to rifles.

Curiosity · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:48

sinister agent wrote:

Explosive dogs would be to explosive tigers what pistols are to rifles.

EXPLOSIVE POLAR BEAR FTW!

MaliA · **Posted:** Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:53

Curiosity wrote:

sinister agent wrote:

Explosive dogs would be to explosive tigers what pistols are to rifles.

EXPLOSIVE POLAR BEAR FTW!

Heh.

Squirt · **Joined:** 31st Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 6613

If we had four elephants, with a kind of sling between them, we could have them carry a huge bomb, one of those big air /fuel thermobaric ones. You could take out a lot of zombies with one of those.

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Zombies
Run!!!

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