Be Excellent To Each Other

Day 2 dawns

The current players are

BlueCup
Dudley
JBR
Bobbyaro
The Rev Owen
Craster
Comical Gnomes

A good start I feel from all survivors, but the ante needs upping a bit. Players! Continue as before, because you are doing very well and showing the correct amount of evilness required to survive and win. However, today you have been allocated a famous historical figure. Your task - and you will choose to accept it - is to defend your character to the hilt. You must also attempt to demolish the reputation of any other character that you see fit. Low blows, slanderous comments and blatant lying are acceptable forms of attack.

BlueCup - Mahatma Ghandi
Dudley - Florence Nightingale
JBR - The Dalai Lama
The Rev Owen - Winston Churchill
Craster - Nelson Mandela
Comical Gnomes - Mother Theresa
Bobbyaro - The Andrex Puppy

Next passenger meets a painful death at 10pm on Tuesday. Game on!

Aho-ho! So, that Florence Nightingale, eh? Nurse's uniform, is it? The 'Lady' of the 'lamp'? Red lamp, was it? I give you Florence Nightingale, gentlemen. Low class hooker, touting her wares around the hospital tents of our brave wounded soldiers. A camp follower, selling her body to those maimed souls, preying on their disfigurement to convince them that for a brass penny, only she would lower herself to granting them satisfaction. A foul, disease ridden trollop, everyone's had her, most of them twice.

Florence Nightingale, gentlemen.

Awww, look at the little puppy! Isn't he cute, everyone agrees about that.

Oh no, what? Florence Nightingale just kicked the Andrex Puppy!! No, not again, Florence, no, no, not the, no, not the tazer. No, Florence, he might need those later in life. Oh the humanity!

I am the one, the only, bringer of real peace in this balloon.

(mutters - and I will bring a very real and everlasting peace to many of you soon).

So, my balloon-mates. Mandela, eh. Should have been named Half-Nelson Mandela, after his habit of arm-locking opponents and marching them off - that is why people are so deferent towards him. Do not turn your backs, fellow balloon dwellers.

The Fucking Andrex Puppy (FAP). I thought he was shot in every pastiche ever. How has he survived to plague me here?

Mahatma - greetings, fellow man of peace. How many generals have you reporting to you now? Many more than me, I'll warrant.

But for sheer waste of spaceness, it has to be Winston flipping Churchill. Yes, your grandfather gave some good speeches and I admire his wholehearted approach to having a good time, to laying waste to cities and to being a good egg, if somewhat misunderstood in peace time. You, on the other hand, have been a Tory MP at the worst time to have been such a thing, trading on a family reputation and, if Wikipedia (lucky someone brought the extra weight of a mobile interknowledge thingummy - obviously I have now ditched it, which served the added utility of giving the balloon a momentary uplift, swerving it out of the way of a foolish sparrow which was on a collision path, peace be upon it) serves me right, criticising the "relentless flow" of immigrants from my part of the world to yours. Ballast, I call thee - you have made it to 67, but I don't think you'll be getting out of this balloon to see 68.

My child.

The Daily Llama. What sort of sick maniac would actually change his own name to reflect his disgusting habit of slaughtering one poor, defenseless woolen beastie every single day to fulfill his own dietary lusts in an orgy of meaty insanity. Everywhere else in the world, the llama is a protected species. Why? It's because of this vile little man, who has spent every day of his 73 years hunting down and gorging on the poor animals. Thanks to his insatiable hunger, the poor llama has been eradicated in the central asian steppes and lives on only in South America. Even there, it is not safe, however, as the Daily Llama has somehow attracted thousands of adherents who are only too happy to fund his sick hunting tours, as he flies by private jet from Tibet to Peru with a harpoon gun and skinning knife, returning with just a bloodstained face and adorned with tufts of wool savagely ripped from it's owner.

Horrible.

Ghandi eh, what a cunt. All that lying down in the road, that's going to cause one fucker of a traffic jam that.
The Dalai Lama? Fucking stole a fucking country. And you know what sounds a but like country. Cunt that's what.
Churchill? Killed lots of Germans. And Germany gave us the engine for the McLaren F1, which is awesome. Churchill? Cunt.
Nissan MainDealer? Cunt. Won't even bring the proper Skyline to the UK.
Mother Theresa? Cunt. Selfishly died while we were trying to properly mourn Diana. Selfish cunt.
Andrew Puppy? Cunt. Shits all over your fucking bathroom, steals all your paper. Little runt. And you know what runt sounds like? That's right. Cunt.

Nightingale? Awesome girl. Could hold her beer too

Correction. Would hold your beer for you while you and a friend who'd lost an arm in the trenches DPd her for cash.

Pioneer of alternative therapy that girl.

Mahatma Ghandi - Oh, he's got a reputation as a nice non-violent man of thought. But have you played Civilization Revolution? The man's a warmongering cunt! We have to kill him before he kills us!

Florence Nightingale - What's that Florence? You don't know what CAT scans are? How about hormone replacement therapy? Keyhole surgery? How about, say, penicillin? No? Not much use in this day and age are you? You're just one small step away from carrying around a bag of leeches. Begone!

The Dalai Lama - Spouts spiritual bollocks, won't fight back when we chuck him out. Send him overboard!

Winston Churchill - If there's ever a man unsuited to normal life, but absolutely essential in a life or death crisis it's me, Winston Churchill. I need to survive!

Nelson Mandela - Spent years in prison, was an icon of freedom, is now an old man most famous for meeting the Spice Girls. His time is up. Send him over!

Mother Theresa - Oh, so you'll help the poor survive, but won't, you know, stop them being poor because it's God's will that they're poor? And could I have some condoms please, to protect against disease? No? Condoms are somehow worse that syphilis and HIV? Throw her over!

The Andrex Puppy - Steals your toilet paper. That's a crime against humanity if ever there was one. Send him over! He's a tiny puppy, he'll probably bounce anyway.

Rumours of my Llama fetish have been grossly distorted. I don't eat them, and have yet to persuade one of them to eat me. Besides which, the longer I'm up here for, the more they're missing out on sweet loving. I urge you all to pitch these wastrels over the side and allow me to return to more creti...sorry, spirit of Brooker there - Spiritual, I meant, matters.

The Andrex Puppy is small and light, so there is no point sending him over board. However, the Dalai Lama, or rather, the Eternal Dalai Lama, can not die. Therefore, there is clearly no harm in lobbing him over the edge. Plus he would be distraught if his inaction caused another to die. I am thinking only of him.

Mother Thersa had shit tits too. Quite frankly, I'd throw me overboard.

Wait a minute, why am I stuck in this balloon with these losers who have never actually achieved anything?

Florence Nightingale was just some bint nurse who went around a hospital at night with her little lamp giving lemsip to people.

The Dalai Lama has achieved what? He was born in to a position of power, lost a country and ran off while sprouting wishy-washy views.

Winston Churchill, a man who sent men to die while hiding in a bunker and sticking his fingers up to the people who voted him in. What a man. And I bet he didn't once try and bring a peaceful end to the war.

Nelson Mandela, a man who tried to free his people but failed. It was Frederik Willem de Klerk that ended apartheid for him. Yet Nelson Mandela gets the credit?? He even went on to take power from poor Frederik. What a creep, a backstabber and a loser.

Mother Theresa was a nun who helped keep the needy poor and raised money to only to increase her profile and fame. And she forced people on their death beds to convert. And what qualifications did she have to look after the ill anyway. That's right, none. What a self-righteous bitch.

And then there is the Andrex Puppy who must have some sort of deal with Satan to stay forever young and is some corporate whore continuing to flog his wares to death.

Yet here I am, a man who is responsible for freeing a whole country without using violence. Not just a group of people but a whole frickin country. And a large one at that. So I ask again, why am I stuck with these non-achievers and self-centred ego-maniacs?

Woot! A volunteer!

Although I do believe in non violence, I don't see the harm in helping someone who feels that should go, well, go.

ComicalGnomes obviously wants to see Mother Theresa chucked and no one else wishes to defend her. I really don't see what the hold up is.

A strange attitude to take from someone who aligns himself with that supposed paragon of nonviolence, Ghandi. Of course, Ghandi's public image is all a complete fabrication, and the man is actually a Mossad-trained arse kicking death machine, but only when the world isn't looking his way, of course. Large folded loincloth? Perfect for hiding a pair of machine pistols, when the odds overtake even his killer hands and feet.

See, what you did there was just sprout a whole loads of lies. As someone who looks for and upholds the truth this saddens me.

The fact that Nelson Mandela was nothing more than an evil terrorist makes your claims completely untrustworthy.

I don't see how wishing to see CG be put out of his suffering and misery is at conflict with my non-violence stance. It not like I'm going to be implanting an axe into his head.

To chuck her overboard someone would have to touch her wrinkly old flesh. And nobody wants to do that. Eugh.

Duh. We just have gently guide her over to the Springomatic 2000 which will do the noble deed.

Admit it Winston, you're a bit of a granny-chaser aren't you.

And do you really want to kill a poor defenceless Satanic puppy?
I feel that, now we have lost out engineer, there is a chance that the Springomatic 2000 could malfunction. Now, this may sound like a good thing, but it would doom us all. Therefore, we should eject the largest people first, while good ol' Springo is still in good working order.
Winston, you're looking pretty portly today, why not guide yourself over where we last saw Joans?

Between a poor defenceless puppy and a poor defenceless Satanic puppy (which you have just admitted you are) then I would have to go with getting rid of the satanic version.

I feel you are missing the point some what.

You can either kill a poor defenceless puppy, and have that on your conscience for the rest of your (limited) life. Or you can kill a Satanic puppy and have daddy Cerberus chasing you down and dragging you to the underworld.

Now, neither of these options appeal to anyone, so let's just get rid of Churchill. Just think, no more annoying car adverts. Now that is an annoying dog, not the Andrex Puppy!

Don't blame me for the dog!

We'll only blame you if you somehow let it live. Look at it - bedraggled little bugger, isn't it. Without make up and wardrobe the fur's not so much off-white as "mucky", those eyelashes have all but disappeared, three legs are clearly longer than the other one and there's compacted loo-roll paper mushed into the far. Or 'mange', as I'd like to call it.

It may be unused loo paper. I say we don't find out - let's give Sprino an easy ride and bin the puppy.

So you are not defenceless then. You sir are a liar and I don't like liars on this here balloon.

I don't like anyone on this here balloon.

You are quite welcome to leave then.

This is not a defence, it is simply a potential outcome to a situation. Much like Schrodinger's cat, either outcome is possible until you look into it. So why look into it? The simple way would be to get rid of that other TV dog, up start, and generally annoying canine, Churchill. He isn't even real, he's CGI nowadays. Pathetic.

If he weren't real, he'd hardly be a problem here, would he? Unless there's a ... ah look, behind this suspicious flap (was that here before?) - an entire hologram generator. Hang on, in my capacity as country leader without country I have learned many things. Should be able to... flip that... carry the one... tippety tappity.

There, hologram of Marilyn Monroe. Lovely.

Are you saying that a threat of violence isn't a form of defence because I think you find you are wrong in that regard.

I'm afraid you are becoming nothing more that a babbling chihuahua and you have my pity.

Just like Ghandi, eh? Mr G? Do you 'pity the foo'? We've all seen him there, bedecked with gold medallions, beating the crap out of some helpless old lady who happened to get in his way? 'Might is right' is the only rule he understands.

Huh?

Mr Mandela appears to of gone a little bit crazy stuck in this balloon and is becoming a bit of a liability by the looks of it. Must be all those years living on the shoulders of other greats that did it. Or the Spice Girls.

You have my pity.

Well imagine trying to Sunnys and Almeras all day, I'm not surprised he's gone a bit funny.

Trying to sell, natch.

Trying to sell snatch, like our Florence?

Providing an important public service yes.

Spinning a buck off the low self-esteem of our poor wounded soldiery.

Providing selected entertainment services to the bored and ill yes.

Is that why she had a crisis of faith? All of that makes you quite interesting, Florence, I think I might like you to stay. I will publish stories of your doings in my paper, the Daily Llama (see, see how wrong you were to cast aspersions, Mr Half-Nelson?).

Can we please sproing the fricking puppy?

Can you do what to the puppy?? You sick, sick man. First llamas, then puppies. Does you animal fetish know no bounds?

I recognise no earthy bounds, my child.

You don't recognise the Earth?

Excellent, then you'll have no problem being hurled towards it.

No problem in that I fly as well as any of you others. Some problem in that I feel still that there are better candidates for the drop.

Who organised the Kumbaya sing song last night, eh? A nice group thing I try to do, only to see it ruined by the puppy's barking (out of time, too - I might have made allowances for the lack of voice box otherwise) and bloody Theresa "Reaching for the Stars" and making me balloon sick.

The big witch.

Well, I don't know what sort of person would push to eject a little puppy ahead of some of the sub human scum we currently have aboard this vessel of the damned. It simply astounds me that War mongerers like Winston "The Invader" Churchill can be allowed to live. And even worse, Nelson "It's only Terrorism if you lose" Mandella! Disgusting.

The second day draws to a close with the only damage being the utter destruction of several hitherto unimpeccable reputations. I must say that I never thought of Florence Nightingale as a whore and who would have thought that the Andrex Puppy could talk.

While the judge (me), jury (me) and executioner (three guesses) consider the verdict, the hapless passengers look overboard - and what a heartening site. The Interested Observers have set up a funfair below. Candy floss stalls, coconut shies, even a bouncy castle. Smiles andlaughter below - they seem happy to see you.

The happiest seem to be the small group who are standing around a freshly dug hole in the ground and seeming to be waving at the balloon and pointing at the hole. How strange.

Still, I can put it off no longer. The second person to be forcibly removed from the Balloon is...




COMICAL GNOMES



He's right about the tits. I read that first thing and only stopped gagging an hour ago.

So the bookies favourite makes an early exit.


SSSSSPPPPPPOING!

Comical heads upwards in a parabolic arc that would make a geometric mathematician weep at its beauty and the rest of the passengers lean over to watch the inevitable.

Hang on a second...

Comical seems to be heading for...

Oh!

He's going to land on the bouncy castle!

He's going to live!

He's done it! He's landed on the bouncy castle!

Comical has just stood up and dusted himself off. He's let out a roar of primeval joy. He lives! He's motioning at the rest of the balloon! Its V signs! He lives! He lives! He...

..has just been smacked on the back of the head with a spade. Oh dear. The Interested Observers were not happy, so they've set about him with garden implements. What remains of his mangled body has been kicked into the open hole. The crowd are now filling the hole in. The balloonists can hear the sound of cheerful whistling drifting up on the wind.