Be Excellent To Each Other

I'm not homeless. I'm between homes at the moment. Mummy has stopped sending me my allowance and is on a cruise with daddy and they've changed the locks on the homes. I've been sleeping in a car as a live installation.

I'm pretty sure i've read about this happening in other towns, let me check the microfiche...

<rummage, spin, flick>

<leaves bathroom>
<turns on microfiche reader>

Ah yes! this sort of thing has been happening all over the place, lets see what we can learn.
There are usually a few similar people involved in each occurrence.
Mafia don
Mafia henchmen
Doctor
lunatic
serial killer
cop
bystanders

Does anyone else want to take a look at these reports and see if I am missing anybody?

Really? Really?

I suspect you'll be here little time/if you persist with something something rhyme.

I'm a poet and you know it.

I am both agog and aghast.
You really are a filthy bast

Aaah, the Mayor is dead; poor Mayor! He had only just decided what tattoo he wanted on his arse.

Given there is so many people talking in rhyme, I would like my name changed to "rumplestiltskin fiddledumorange".

Something definately doesn't add up here.

It doesn't spell-up either. Suspicious.

[vote:ApplePieOfDestiny]

hmmm since Durham is bloody miles away from Grumblington-on-the-Wold you may be better calling a local company....so then Mr LaceSensor if you aren't local where do you come from? My shop is a local shop for local people, until i know your family history is somehow linked to this great town you are not welcome in Montague's Music Emporium (The home of smooth and smooching tunes).

Our sale is still on, remember folks buy any album and get a free Bieber CD....people seem to forget this offer for some reason

Oh dear oh dear, poor old mayor. One of my best customers he was, regularly sampling my quality merchandise, he blamed Mrs. Mayor of course...he's been around so regularly of late.

I think he just knows high quality, customizable products when he sees them. I have left some of my cards on the bar, I do parties too.

Grim... please don't drink my stock, that perfume costs more per ml than the finest vintage wine!!

Funny, it smells like gone-off wine.

[vote: Mr Russell]

Just so I'm clear - we're voting for people that we want to expel from the town, right? Or is it something a bit more... Permanent?

So far, Applepieofdestiny has two votes, and Mr Russell has one.

Don't be so sure, I offer fine vintage wine at excellent prices.

I'll take two fine wines, please. And a clean pint glass.

Would sir like a straw?

Two straws please - I've just spotted Miss McClusky.

I knew something was wrong this morning, when the lambs wouldn't feed, shame about the mayor, I almost voted for him too.

Anyways, I've got to go and plough my field, if anything happens, be sure to pop by and let me know.

You could always purchase some lovely farmbaked cakes whilst you are there.

Old Macdonald

The levels of Gluttony shown by the town mean extra prayers tonight.

Who will pray with me?

Looking out the window, it does look like a more permanent resolution!

Is that going to make you change your vote?

Its a voice over IP landline, location irrelvant - were a modern cab company! Be assured my firm is local and reliable and will get you home cheap and fast.

I'm just going to scan in one of my prints so you can see for yourself how good they are.

Into what?

I've just noticed that The Mayor's library card is missing!

Could everyone turn out their pockets please, I'd like to get it back so that it can go in the correct file, got to keep everything in order

A scanner, _darkly silly.

Bah. Meant to do strikethrough.

Oh balls, now I've dropped my cigarettes into a puddle.
Thanks a lot, dick.

[vote: trooper]

Joans? Have you got a fag machine?

I cannot believe I haven't sold (m)any of these prints. I've chosen one of my best to be scanned.

Maybe you can do some designs for my tattoo parlour?

I'm waiting for the next page to better plug my art.

Sure, what did you have in mind?

Yes, it's right over there *points*. You'll have to go outside though (to smoke, I mean, not in general).

So, you know the resolution is more permanent, and my questioning of you has turned that violence towards me, purely for asking you a question!

Very bloodthirsty!

What's your library card number? I'm going to check your book history, and see what your interests are...

Do you have lock-ins (and do you still want those prints)?

With the mafia in our midst? Until I know more about you, I wouldn't feel comfortable being locked in with any of you.
During the day though, my doors are open to all.
(I'll give you a tenner for them).

Thanks. I'll pop over with three of them later.

When I've finished my sculpture I'll take a photograph of that, although you probably won't need one as I'll stick it in the town hall.

FALSE IDOLS!

It is a tribute to our mayor. I could do some stained glass for the church. I have some 'Ken Dodd eating sausages' sketches I want to use somehow.

Terribly sorry. I've been very stressed over the mayor's death.

Tea, anyone?

Cheers, man. Get me another Stella and give me some change for the machine, would you?
I wasn't that impressed with the wine, by the way, and neither was Miss McClusky. I think we'll stick the beer infuture.

Stressed because you thought you have been found out? Where were you last night?

I was in my car, outside the chippy.

I have many more copies of this and others in the line to sell. Let me know how many you want.

I'm sure Joans is delighted with his.

I don't recall there being a carpenter in the town?

He spends most of his time in the church.

Worried that the removal of the eyes would point to a religious extremist. Perhaps our former leader was mixed up with bad people.

There is an awful lot of jabber from people promoting their businesses. It's my experience that the mafia succeed best when operating through a series of highly legitimate-looking fronts. Hmmm.

And what do you know of the mafia?

Hi folks, sorry I'm opening a bit late today, I decided to stay closed this morning as a tribute to our mayor.

We have a special on his favourite tofu burgers today if I can interest anyone?

So, who found the body then? What was it like? Can you describe the scene in deatail for us?

I read it in a book once.