Be Excellent To Each Other

I cannot wait to finish this book.

I bought it because it's about vampires (and I like vampire stories, although their recent saturation of main-stream entertainment has ruined them somewhat) and it received good reviews on Amazon, and it was cheap.

The book centres around two characters; a vampire with the terrifying but somehow alluring name of 'Miriam' (that's a bit unfair, the hero of King's The Dark Tower series managed to be pretty awesome despite being called 'Roland', for example) and a doctor called Sarah. Miriam gives humans transfusions of her own blood so they live longer and can be her partner for a while - all they have to do is drink blood about once a week and go into a special coma-type sleep each night which stops them from ageing. Sarah is studying a similar effect of deep sleep on apes.

Anyway, Miriam's current partner John suddenly starts ageing, goes a bit nuts, and kills the girl Miriam was going to make his replacement. Miriam has read a book by Doctor Sarah about the whole sleep thing, and decides to 'take' her instead, rather against the will of Sarah's boyfriend Tim.

But ignore all that.

The character's solution to everything that might happen in any situation is to fuck.

Let's look at some of these situations:

• Miriam and John eat some people. They celebrate by fucking.
• Tim and Sarah have an argument. Without making up, they start fucking.
• To enable them to touch (an extremely irritating phrase which is sort of like a psychic hug, and always written in italics) Miriam breaks into Sarah's flat and goes down on her - without waking her up.
• Tim and Sarah are going to lose their lab funding. Their solution to this is to start fucking.
• It's unfair that Miriam doesn't get to fuck, so there are a few flash-backs to her earlier life in Rome and England. She had numerous partners. They fuck.
• Tim and Sarah argue at work. Sarah has just lost her job. Tim locks the door. THEY START FUCKING.
• Tim arrives at Miriam's house. Miriam has brainwashed and kidnapped Sarah, and Tim knows she is dangerous. The last time he was at this house he was attacked by the nearly dead zombie-like creatures that were Miriam's ex-partners. Both he and Sarah are in extreme danger. He finds her in the house, knows full well Miriam is on the other side of the door and ready to kill, and I SHIT YOU NOT TIM AND SARAH START FUCKING!

Now, I've no problem with a book having sex in. But not only is this sex occurring in pretty bizarre situations, it's written by someone who wants to sell his book to thirteen year-old girls. The dirtiest word in the book is 'pounding'. All the sex, including the "oh fuck we're about to die here, why not eh?" sex is about tenderness and being in love so much and oh God, look, just...


It looks like a bratwurst? Dear Christ.

This is, without a doubt, one of the most shallow, boring, unscary, unfunny and unsexy books I've set eyes on, but (with a few notable exceptions) I've finished every book I've started, no matter how bad. I'm 90% of the way though, so I'm going to plough on.

I cannot wait to finish this book.

Next on.

What the fuck? Are they having sex on an exercise bike, or something?

How many chaos marines are in it?

Her fanny?

Depends if there assembled or not I suppose. 3 squads?

That might well make the shortlist for the Bad Sex awards.



Giles Coren, you dick.

I very much like the TV show True Blood, despite it being, at least partly, about vampires.

My wife has been raving about the books the TV show was based on.

So I've started reading the first one, Dead Until Dark.

It's very enjoyable stuff, but by crikey there's a lot of sex in it. I thought maybe the TV show played up the amount of sex, but, no, if anything it's got less than the book does.

Maybe she's kicking away dead scary bats that are flocking onto the girlmanvampire's back? Like really dead fuckin scary bats. And then the girlmanvampire starts crying after he's coughed his filthy yoghurt because he's all vulnerable and shit and she's thinking "NO! I can change him from wanting to eat blood and stuff cos he's a dead vulnerable human girlmanvampire!" and then she goes and kills a massive bat/mouse hybrid queenking vampire and everyone's saved and they can go on holiday to the Bahamas cos he can go out in the sun and cry.

FTFY.

Victoria really hates it when he writes about her.

He must have switched sides/ends pretty quick to chuck his muck in a Zorro Z.

Hang on - "The barrier remained"?

Were they trying to shag their way through a locked door?

There's a film based on this book, directed by Tony Scott and starring Cathering Deneuve, David Bowie and Susan Sarandon.

It's one of Scott's first films I think - I seem to recall it not being too bad.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085701/

One too few.

The only 40K book I've read was about Marines (can't remember the chapter) vs Tyrannids, and there was a guy who talked dumb but wasn't (he could have been called Biff), and a guy that got addicted to the pain glove, and at the end one of them stripped the flesh off his hand with acid and wrote the names of his squad on his bones.
It wasn't that good, to be honest.

No no - they weren't in love enough, see?

Bloody hell, Bauhaus were in it, as a 'Disco Band'.

Is that why we only jizz 5 times across each other?

Enough for what? He finished shagging her before he ate the Chinese food, what more does she want? I can't think of a stronger declaration of love than that, personally.

But then I didn't have any lunch.

Food first. Then bunga bunga.

Yep, they're in the opening scene/titles playing 'Bela Lugosi's dead', and the singer chap is in a cage!

I saw it on Moviedrome aeons ago, and seem to remember enjoying it, but as I was a teenager it may have just been because it was at least a 'three wank fillum'.

Gash
x

Shirley that'd just lead to

Moviedrome!

The film of The Hunger is brilliant due to David Bowie.

Streiber is wonderfully loony. He did the Communion series of "autobiographical novels" where he described his alleged kidnap by aliens. Maybe they recognised his superior literary talents...

I forgot to mention - in the last ten pages of the book (I was closer to the end than I thought), not only did Tom fuck Sarah while a monster was waiting for them, but once Tom was dead (oh noes, spoilerz) SARAH DREAMED ABOUT FUCKING HIM AGAIN.
Dear Lord.

Awesome.