Internet provides a new age of grieving?

JohnCoffey · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 14:43

Bit different this post I suppose. Bit depressing maybe, too.

When I was in the states (oh go on then, goad away) I worked in a call center (as you might know..) as a rep.

I was a good rep. Hence why I was there nearly three years (which is miraculous in the world of call centers, it's very turn and burn and you are very replaceable).

I trained an awful lot of people many years younger than me (your average call center employee type) and met a few great people.

One of my supervisors (Shannon, a male aged 23) brought in one of his friends to work there. His name was Jeff and he was 23 also. Nice kid. 6'8 and very imposing, a bit 'gangsta' if you will but had a heart of gold. Shortly afterward I moved into an apartment complex and Shannon and one of his fellow supervisors got an apartment in the next building (you got a cool deal if you introduced people to the complex, 40% off a month's rent IIRC).

They had a party a few weeks in and Jeff took 'something' at this party with alot of alcohol. He never woke up.

I'm not entirely sure if it was heroin or one of the prescription meds the yanks are famous for (Oxy, Darvo or Perc) but that was that. I remember getting home from work one morning and hearing sirens.. When I went to pay my rent the next day the complex manageress told me someone had died in the apartment I reccomended.. I was a bit confused tbh, didn't really pay it that much attention as it was my day off. Next day I went into work and it was like a morgue.. Someone had indeed died and it was Jeff.

Shock.. I mean, kids do some stupid things but that doesn't really come into it.. I was just in shock, everyone was really upset.
So as usual when someone dies you grieve, then it seems to fade and you move on in life and forget about them.
Well yesterday evening I was updating my social networking site page and I decided to see what my old work buddies had been up to. As I wandered from profile to profile I noticed Jeff's was still up so I went to take a look.

Last Login: 11/10/2006

The day before he died..

What really cut me up however was looking around his profile. It really felt like he was still there. And when I read this from his heroes section I just started crying.

ANYONE THAT LIVES FOR THE MOMENT , CUZ IN A SECOND YOU COULD PASS ..AND WHEN YOU 1ST TA DIE 1ST IS LAST ..

Just heart wrenching tbh. If only he had known how prophetic that would turn out to be

Funny, because in days past you would not have had this 'heart on sleeve' kind of keepsake from someone unless they had written you a letter. But these social networking sites get people to open up and leave all kinds of clues to who they were and how they lived.

It's cool in a way, he will live on through the digital age (people are still messaging him saying hi and keeping him updated on their lives) it's kinda like he's still here.

It's not just him either. One of his close friends died at 18 of a brain tumor, and his profile is still there to go and see.

Pretty cool really.

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

That is very poignant, JC.

Slashdot had an article a while ago on a sort of digital will -- the idea that, as a small part of your postd-death proceedings, someone would go around and at least put a notice up on your blog, Twitter, Facebook page, whatever. As social networking is increasingly integrated into our daily lives I think people will come to see something like that as being quite important.

Nik · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 1982

Doctor Glyndwr wrote:

That is very poignant, JC.

Slashdot had an article a while ago on a sort of digital will -- the idea that, as a small part of your postd-death proceedings, someone would go around and at least put a notice up on your blog, Twitter, Facebook page, whatever. As social networking is increasingly integrated into our daily lives I think people will come to see something like that as being quite important.

And also wipe all your hard drives!

My uncle died about six years ago. He lived in America (hello JC!) and we usd to exchange emails about technology and gadgets and stuff (he was fun to talk to about such things, being quite enthusiastic about them - he had an Amiga 1000 in 1985 and managed to buy a DVD player before the format officially launched in the US). Despite having changed email providers several times since then, I've still got an email folder with his name on (and his emails in). Every now and then I click on it and it is strangely like he's still around. I think the fact we lived on different continents, and so didn't see each other often, adds to that.

DavPaz · **Joined:** 27th Jun, 2008 **Posts:** 38667

The wife's best friend (let's call her Claire) died suddenly a little over 2 years ago. MrsDP had an unopened text message on her phone from Claire for 18 months until she changed phones. I suppose she felt she could hold onto her as long as the message was undelivered. When she got a new phone recently I convinced her to open the message. It simply said "OK, Love you XX".

Nice way to close the curtains I suppose.

devilman · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:10

Doctor Glyndwr wrote:

That is very poignant, JC.

Slashdot had an article a while ago on a sort of digital will -- the idea that, as a small part of your postd-death proceedings, someone would go around and at least put a notice up on your blog, Twitter, Facebook page, whatever. As social networking is increasingly integrated into our daily lives I think people will come to see something like that as being quite important.

Yeah, this is something I've wondered about for a good few years now. Some of the people I know, I only know online, so if something were to happen to them, I'd most likely not know about it. I've seen some webpages where a loved one has posted a message on behalf of someone who has died suddenly so for someone to do it on the social networking sites makes sense. Just a case of having someone to trust enough with your passwords I guess.

myp · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:14

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

Malabelm · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:16

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

myp · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:19

Where there's a Will, there's a Way.

Kern · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:20

I was thinking about leaving a sealed envelope in a secret place that listed the people who should contacted first were anything to happen along with other essential information (passwords, location of lost treasures, that kind of thing). I got as far as drawing up the key people for each social circle I'm in, which didn't take long, when I suddenly felt very, very morbid and ditched it.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

I plan on leaving a treasure trail spanning at least three continents. At the end will be a shrivelled poo.

Trousers · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 3073

Malabar Front wrote:

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

I have. Oh wait hang on - I'm old.

Sorry.

myp · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:27

Malabar Front wrote:

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

Thinking about it, you nearly got splatted by a tractor. Have you seriously not thought about one?

Malabelm · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:31

myp wrote:

Malabar Front wrote:

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

Thinking about it, you nearly got splatted by a tractor. Have you seriously not thought about one?

Not at all. Funny story, though: in the hour previous to my accident, I'd signed and posted an insurance form for work giving them a huge lump of cash if I died. How's that for tempting fate?

I plan to just write "Royal Rumble. Winner takes all" in my will when I finally make one though.

Curiosity · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:31

I own nothing of any genuine worth, so I'll let Maria sort it out.

myp · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:35

Curiosity wrote:

I own nothing of any genuine worth, so I'll let Maria sort it out.

I'm wondering who I should saddle my debts with. I'm thinking either you or Riles atm.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Malabar Front wrote:

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

We do, but that's due to the kids. Rather not deal with complicated intestacy rules dividing the estate between spouse and kids at this stage. Also need to name legal guardians for the boys, so evil father in law can't get his hands on them.

JohnCoffey · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:47

I don't know if I would want to leave anyone my passwords. I guess when life stops you stop..

Problem is with alot of these social networking sites they are proned to attack if left dormant for a while. If I remember correctly my friends contacted Tom of Myspace and asked him to lock the last login date but let them have access..

I know there is this thing where you can have the account taken to some kind of orbituary level where it becomes a memorial but noone wanted that for Jeff. He was so lively and so hard to ignore that they wanted him left alone so he could still hang.

As I say, people still send him messages periodically letting him know they love him and telling them how life has been progressing.

KovacsC · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:50

Malabar Front wrote:

myp wrote:

You could always put your passwords in your will, and instruct someone to do it on your behalf once you've passed...

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

The wife wants us to set our Wills out, incase one of us passes on.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

Like Chris says, a new babby is an important time to get them up to date.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Intestacy = bag of pain in the arse with a kid. Spouse gets £125k or something, plus half of the remainder, with the other half going to the kid, or something equally complicated. You don't want to have to sell the house to settle the probate award for your own kid*.

*I'm sure this doesn't really happen, but it amused me.

Malabelm · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 15:54

Craster wrote:

Like Chris says, a new babby is an important time to get them up to date.

Indeed. But when you're young and own practically nothing, there's little point; it's all just electronics and clothes, a couple of motorbikes and some furniture.

The last thing I need to bother thinking about at this stage in my life is who gets what when I die.

Wullie · **Joined:** 27th Jun, 2008 **Posts:** 6183

Malabar Front wrote:

How many of us have wills at this age, though?

I've had one for years. Given the risks my job entails, I'd be stupid not to.

Also, on the subject of digital grief, a regular poster on b3ta died a few years back, his ex posted the news on the main board. Didn't know him to talk to, but his photographs were nice

Grim... · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 16:46

There is a service that you can sign up to that (if you don't log into it every six months or click a link in an email or something) fires out "I'm dead, see ya" emails you wrote to all your friends and family.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

Grim... wrote:

There is a service that you can sign up to that (if you don't log into it every six months or click a link in an email or something) fires out "I'm dead, see ya" emails you wrote to all your friends and family.

Heh - and then you come back from your 9 months being held hostage in Columbia and wonder why your house has been sold.

Grim... · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 16:47

And your wife has remarried!

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

3 months after I've died? The bitch! She's got no respect for the dead.

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

Mr Chris wrote:

Heh - and then you come back from your 9 months being held hostage in Columbia and wonder why your house has been sold.

Guillaume Le Gentil:

Quote:

He was part of the international collaborative project to measure the distance to the Sun, by observing the transit of Venus at different points on the earth. Edmond Halley had suggested the idea, but it required careful measurements from different places on earth, and the project was launched with more than a hundred observers dispatched to different parts of the globe, for observing the transit coming up in 1761. The French expedition turned out to be particularly unlucky, and perhaps the most unfortunate was Guillaume le Gentil, who set out for Pondicherry, a French colony in India[1].

He set out from Paris in March 1760, and reached Île de France (Mauritius) in July. But having learned that war had broken out between France and Britain, and deeming it dangerous to try and reach Pondicherry, he determined to go elsewhere; a frigate was bound for India's Coromandel Coast, and he sailed in March 1761. When they had nearly arrived they learned that the British had occupied Pondicherry, so the frigate was obliged to return to Île de France. June 6, the day of the transit, came, and the sky was clear, but he could not take astronomical observations with the vessel rolling about. After having come this far, he thought he might as well await the next transit of Venus, which would come in another eight years (they are relatively infrequent, occurring in pairs 8 years apart, but each such pair is separated from the previous and next pairs by more than a century.)

After spending some time mapping the eastern coast of Madagascar, he decided to record the 1769 transit from Manila in the Philippines. Encountering hostility from the Spanish authorities there, he headed back to Pondicherry, which had been restored to France by peace treaty in 1763, where he arrived in March 1768. He built a small observatory and waited patiently. At last, the day in question (June 4, 1769) arrived, but although the mornings in the preceding month had all been lovely, on this day the sky became overcast, and Le Gentil saw nothing. The misfortune drove him to the brink of insanity, but at last he recovered enough strength to return to France.

The return trip was first delayed by dysentery, and further when his ship was caught in a storm and dropped him off at Île Bourbon (Réunion), where he had to wait until a Spanish ship took him home. He finally arrived in Paris eleven years later in October 1771, only to find that he had been declared legally dead and been replaced in the Royal Academy of Sciences. His wife had remarried, and all his relatives had "enthusiastically plundered his estate"[2]. Lengthy litigation and the intervention of the king were ultimately required before things were normalized. He got back his seat in the academy, remarried, and lived apparently happily for another 21 years.

Rodafowa · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:05

Grim... wrote:

There is a service that you can sign up to that (if you don't log into it every six months or click a link in an email or something) fires out "I'm dead, see ya" emails you wrote to all your friends and family.

Along with the incriminating evidence that you were using to keep the Russians from taking their revenge for that messy business in Cyprus back in '79, presumably.

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

Surely Odysseus would have been a less obscure example?

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

Craster wrote:

Surely Odysseus would have been a less obscure example?

Yeah but that is a great story.

Shin · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:26

This reminds me of that thing you can do where you record a message for loved ones for when you pass away.

At the funeral theres one, then after that:
1 year theres a message that gets release
5 years
10 years
...and so on

I can't for the life of me remember where it was from though *frowns* a greeting from the grave *wooooo* I think it'd be kinda weirdly cool

Zardoz · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:26

Doctor Glyndwr wrote:

Guillaume Le Gentil:

Quote:

Lengthy litigation and the intervention of the king were ultimately required before things were normalized.

How did the King unfuck his wife?

MaliA · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:27

I'm really pleased I am indestructible.

MrChris · **Joined:** 1st Apr, 2008 **Posts:** 30498

MaliA wrote:

I'm really pleased I am indestructible.

How thoroughly have you tested this?

Kern · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:28

He should leap into a volcano. It's the classic test.

KovacsC · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:29

or I can beat him for an hour with a pipe or other blunt object

Doctor Glyndwr · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 32624

Kovacs Caprios wrote:

or I can beat him for an hour with a pipe or other blunt object

Get in line, Caprios. I was here first.

MaliA · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:31

Kovacs Caprios wrote:

or I can beat him for an hour with a pipe or other blunt object

Can I first (NO! NO! NO! NO! - Ed)

Craig · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 1236

This does seem to suggest that if you cannot access the net you are in danger of no longer being alive. It is perfectly possible that an individual could be without internet access unannounced for a lengthy period of time (they may, for instance, be locked in their Nan's spare room) making it impossible to let any of their 'internet friends' know what has happened. Much like the 18th century globe trotter.

There is also ofcourse the internet's gift of allowing a person to fake their own death with apparent ease. Ask Mimi to tell you her knitting story.

EDIT: Pleasingly post 666 is about death. Yeah!

Cras · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 49244

Craig wrote:

This does seem to suggest that if you cannot access the net you are in danger of no longer being alive.

I would rather hope that signing up doesn't provide you with a wireless-connected 'anti-pacemaker' that induces a fatal arrhythmia if you don't log on to the site for too long.

Nik · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 1982

Also, what if you just forget to log in? And change your email, resulting in not getting the reminders? Imagine your embarrassment!

kalmar · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:48

Craig wrote:

There is also ofcourse the internet's gift of allowing a person to fake their own death with apparent ease. Ask Mimi to tell you her knitting story.

Where *is* Mimi these days *suspicious look*.

MaliA · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 17:51

Well, it's funny, as I keep seeing my mate Carla around, even though I know she's dead. Her being dead did explain why she hasn't attended various social functions and stuff, but it is never spoken of. but whenever I see a Ferrari or a cheerleader, I think of her. it's odd.

maliA sad now.

Send beers

JohnCoffey · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 18:06

Shin wrote:

This reminds me of that thing you can do where you record a message for loved ones for when you pass away.

At the funeral theres one, then after that:
1 year theres a message that gets release
5 years
10 years
...and so on

I can't for the life of me remember where it was from though *frowns* a greeting from the grave *wooooo* I think it'd be kinda weirdly cool

It's funny that you said that tbh.

Many years ago (2001 IIRC) a very close friend and ex colleague of mine committed suicide. It was, just, fucking awful. Noone really saw it coming, he was very gentle kind and affectionate..

When I was told of his death (had to be phoned in the USA of course) I just could not believe it. I really thought it was some kind of joke that my ex work colleagues had sprung on me.. So I phoned his phone and listened to his answer machine message over and over. I even got a friend of mine to record it to wav.

Which was nice. It really helped with the grieving process because I hate instant endings. Every time I missed him I listened to his message "Hi ! this is Colin ETC" and it really helped me come to terms with his death.

So I'm all for that idea. Sadly me being how I am I can't really see people wanting to listen to messages from me saying "Wassup cunts? save a fucking beer for me !" and other stuff

MaliA · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 18:09

JohnCoffey wrote:

Sadly me being how I am I can't really see people wanting to listen to messages from me saying "Wassup cunts? save a fucking beer for me !" and other stuff

I'll call you everyday if you want.

ApplePieOfDestiny · **Joined:** 17th Dec, 2008 **Posts:** 8293

myp wrote:

Curiosity wrote:

I own nothing of any genuine worth, so I'll let Maria sort it out.

I'm wondering who I should saddle my debts with. I'm thinking either you or Riles atm.

Feel free. With my financial state at the moment it would be a mere blip.

myp · **Posted:** Thu Mar 05, 2009 23:20

When I said 'Riles atm', it's that I see you as a cash machine.

JohnCoffey · **Posted:** Sun Jun 06, 2010 22:14

I decided to resurrect this thread because I've just solved an eight year old mystery. I wrote about a friend of mine on another forum eight years ago. He committed suicide on Tooting Bec common by hanging himself from a tree.

Now this guy was a really close friend of mine who I worked with. Apparently no one I spoke to could see it coming but they did say he hadn't been sleeping for a while and had sort of lost it.

For some fucked up reason I decided to run his name through google tonight followed by the word suicide and I found this.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 828366.ece

Which tbh has set me off again because it's just fucking heart breaking.

Pod · **Joined:** 30th Mar, 2008 **Posts:** 2568

This guy died in January and I only just found out about it when his wife uploaded his last video.

Pretty depressing -- He was a cool guy and I liked his videos :'(

So, do I unsubscribe or what?

TheAlbin0Kid · **Posted:** Tue Jun 08, 2010 0:08

Shin wrote:

This reminds me of that thing you can do where you record a message for loved ones for when you pass away.

At the funeral theres one, then after that:
1 year theres a message that gets release
5 years
10 years
...and so on

I can't for the life of me remember where it was from though *frowns* a greeting from the grave *wooooo* I think it'd be kinda weirdly cool

Sounds like Hari Seldon's idea...

Be Excellent To Each Other

Internet provides a new age of grieving?
It seems so.

Who is online

Be Excellent To Each Other

Internet provides a new age of grieving? It seems so.

Who is online

Internet provides a new age of grieving?
It seems so.