Be Excellent To Each Other

So I just put nitro fuel into the washing machine instead of softener and turned it on, which has to rank quite high on the "OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU HYPER-BELM" scale.

What have you done lately (or not so lately) which put measured on the scale?

Accepted this client.

At work a couple of weeks ago I accidently crashed the cherry picker into a production line...just bashed right into it. The next day was spent fixing the trunking.

I lost a job once for crashing a picker into shelves that contained thousands of inflated basketballs. They were in boxes but, you know, they bounced out.
I shouldn't have even been driving it

So, so many things. There's not enough room on the internet for all my belming.

A recent work related one: I ordered a load of bespoke concrete copings off a drawing instead of taking a site measure. So... Anyone want 22 massive lumps of concrete?

I had a solar powered watch that was always going flat. It could charge from a house light, but had to be quite close. I got fed up with having to do this all the damn time, so to give it a really good charge I wedged it into one of the glass shades on our ceiling lamp.

Of course, the watch melted. No mess on the light fitting, but the watch was wrecked and there was a nasty whiff of melted plastic and rubber.

I've had accidents with more serious consequences, but they were due to inattention or a misjudgement, but this was just so dopey as i *know* lightbulbs get really, really hot.

Where to start... I've done lots of stupid things but learnt from them all.

This was stupid, but also pretty cool.

When I worked at Game we had high ceilings in the warehouse with strip lights hanging from them. I threw a CD (possibly a PS2 game) across the warehouse expected it to fly in a straight line like a frisbee. Unfortunately it flew in a straight line for about a metre then went up and straight into a strip light... the light exploded and showered the 3 people standing underneath it in glass and funny white powder.

In hindsight, it was pretty obvious that the CD was going to cause some damage so why I threw it, I'll never know.

WTF nitro?!

I jumped up at work once to see what was on top of the 8 foot high freezer whilst standing under a six and a half foot doorway.
I rode a pushbike down a hill after 12 tins of lager and lots of Pimms and lemonade. Result was a trip to casualty for 10 stitches in my face.
"I can totally down a pint quicker than you", "OK, best of 3" "Shut up Fuckhead"," I just vom'd in the bogs"
"Oh, I can totally ride a horse, no worries"
"Oh, I've totally shot guns before, no worries"
"I can totally do that"
"You're how old?"

Tried to defrost a tupperware container full of peas by putting it in the oven.

Really? That's the stupidest thing you've ever done?

I might have mentioned this before. If so, I apologise for boring your arses off with it again.

In the good old days, when I was still an IT Manager for in Her Majesty's Civil Service, our server backup had failed to complete successfully for about 4 days on the trot. I was getting jumpy about this as Fujitsu (who looked after our network) had failed to come up with a fix for the problem. So, one evening, I decided to copy the whole of the Users Volume on to a spare server at the end of the working day after the 4th failure (this was in the days before SANS were even a twinkle in anyone's eye, just in case you were wondering).

So, I started the copying process and watched its progress. After about half an hour it ground to a halt as a corrupt file had been found and the copy process stopped. I located the file and either deleted it or used some utility or other to fix it, then tried to start the copying operation again, after deleting everything I'd already copied on to the target server. Once more it ran for a while and then stopped because of some other error. I was getting pretty pissed off by this point as it was getting late and I wanted to go home, but I still hadn't got a clean copy of the volume. I had a rummage through my manuals and found that there was a switch I could add to the Xcopy command that would ignore errors and copy the files anyway, so once again I deleted everything I'd already copied to the target server.

Or so I thought.

As I watched the files being deleted I suddenly realised that I wasn't deleting them from the target, I WAS DELETING THEM FROM THE SOURCE.

I managed to stop the delete command but had no idea how many files had been deleted. Now I was really beginning to panic but remembered that Novell could salvage deleted files as long as the server disks hadn't been purged, so I set about salvaging everything I'd just deleted, praying that nothing would go wrong. The only problem was that where a whole folder had been deleted, Novell had no record of the folder's position in the hierarchy and just salvaged the files from deleted directories into one 'deleted.sav' folder. Luckily, I had made a list of the file/folder hierarchy and redirected it to a text file so I could at least see where all the files belonged, but had to manually recreate all the deleted folders and then copy the files back from the salvage folder to them.

This took until about 1am, by which time I thanked all the known and unknown gods that I had managed to get everything back to how it had been before I tried to be a clever dick.

I also broke a brand new video recorder, within 5 minutes of getting it out of its box, when I was on the training team. I'd put the recorder on a stand and attached a camera which I then moved a fraction too far away, pulling the recorder off the stand and causing it to land on one of the stand's feet. At first I thought it was OK, but it wouldn't work and when I looked carefully, saw there was a hairline crack on the bottom of the recorder.

I phoned the supplier and told them they'd sent a faulty recorder, which they replaced within a couple of days. They never got back to me to say they'd discovered why it was broken. Maybe they believed it had been damaged in transit.

Jumped out if s cut story his tobfie. Goifvtjob chums had mucky arm strengthen

You filthy boy.

Photos, or it didn't happen.

I mayhap revealed too much

Posted in this thread

Hmmm. I can't think of anything really stupid. I put my wallet in the washing machine once but managed to realise after 5 minutes and drain the washer. Had a fun day trying to dry out my cash.

I think I also once inadvertently put a fiver in my coat pocket, and then a couple of minutes later absentmindedly emptied the 'rubbish' from that very pocket into a bin. Silly waste of a fiver.

Many years ago AFC Bournemouth sent some voting forms to their shareholders, including Myp. He gave me the letter to post. The post box had a bin right next to it and in a moment of stupidity I put the letter in the bin rather than the post box. Twat.

There are many more. I'll have a think.

Poured tea into the radiator of my car (this is recent only last month)
I was changing the water in the radiator, & was about to pour the water in when my wife came out and gave me a cuppa, I put the tea down to answer my mobile & after the conversation I picked up the tea & poured it into the radiator

I'm sure there are lots more I have done over the years but can't remember

Could be worse...

How I read it.

I put all things in the fridge every day. All non-fridge things. Hats, saucepans, pens, CDs...

I played Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Ripper without checking for any missable achievements. Once I'd finished I had to start it again and play it for another three hours to get the final two.

Egg and my face were in alignment.

Does getting married count?

Shit, forgot about that.

What?!

Having all my washing done and meals made is the best thing ever.

Yeah, I should've married a woman, really. That's where I went wrong, I think.

I'll be in my bunk.

My belms are legion of course, but I guess the most cringe-worthy one was this:

Many, many years ago, I set myself up as an independent computer programmer (difficult, nay impossible to believe now). Specifically, I programmed Casio's range of pocket computers in the 80s, among other manus like Psion and Sharp. I'd written loads of technical and financial services software; for example, my irregular repayment profile compound APR software could handle *any* repayment profile for any term (e.g. have any number of payment holidays, fixed payment balloons or multiple-payment "wild cards" - all within the strict legal accuracy constraints of CCR 1974). Actually, it out-performed that very large finance company's mainframe, in terms of functionality and accuracy, and all within a paltry 32KB of RAM, on a machine that was hardly any larger than a calculator - in 1989. Good old Newtonian iteration.

Anyway, I digress... Casio thought I was the mutts nuts, and I was getting many of their referrals as a 'software house' (i.e. me, a desk, in my gf's spare bedroom, meh). One of these was from a UK engineering company; they wanted me to computerise all of their product selection nomographs/data sheets etc. into a pocket suite package, that they would sell to all of the UK and overseas distributors. The product was headed up by a young, dynamic, flamboyant Commercial Director; we spent months putting the package together which was very complex (or at least I thought so), eventually getting the prototype ready. At this point he seized on it, no doubt envisioning a glory-grabbing career opportunity, even though still only a beta with a few bugs to be sorted out and more rigorous third party testing - arranging for some mega-swanky international presentation, hiring a massive "cottage" (huge country pile) in the middle of nowhere, where all his overseas people and distributors would converge, at great expense, for the official launch.

Of course, this put me under a lot of pressure to get the thing ready; I was only a kid back then and did not have the nous or balls to say 'actually, we're rushing this', plus the ridiculously low fee that I was charging had long since been spent up at my end (important business lesson: if the client only pays for a sow's ear, then a sow's ear he shall have). So, I basically worked right through the night getting the fucking thing licked into shape and polished.

Feeling pleased with myself at the 6am finish, I showered, shaved and got into my best suit, before firing up my Vauxhall Astra and motoring the 110 or so miles to my destination. Upon my arrival I was aghast at the efforts they'd gone to; I was ushered into a huge, smoke-filled meeting room with all manner of presentational equipment and bigwigs present. I did not have long to wait for my moment to come; after a massive "Give it up gentlemen, for a star, a prodigy, a whizzkid programming genius! I shall now hand the stage over; prepare to be Teh Amazed!!!111" etc.

So, very nervously, I got up from my seat, bringing my pilot's case with me, and stepped up to the lectern. I can still remember the burn of lights on my face (having had zero sleep), half-stumbled a "morning gentlemen, thank you for coming from all the corners of the Earth, pleasure to be here" type preamble, before reaching into my case. The air of anticipation was palpable.

As I clicked open the case, I was greeted by the sight of a scale ruler and a tube of mints (XXX Strong if I recall correctly). I'd left the computer, with its proudly finished software at home, on my desk.

... Fuck me; for as long as I live, I shall *never* forget that terrible, burning disbelief and blind panic as I felt that day. How could I have been so utterly stupid? There was a pregnant pause, a couple of coughs.

Totally not knowing what to say (I mean really, what can you say in that situation?), I just blurted "I've left my computer at home". I could've wept lol; I was only a kid of 19-20 afterall. The look on that Special Projects Director's face is also something I'll not forget; if looks could kill, I'd have turned into a pillar of salt right there.

To cut a long story short after that, I basically had to drive a 220-mile round trip back to my house, only to arrive back late afternoon, by which time all the overseas dignitaries had got pissed and not a soul was interested in what I had to say. 'Crestfallen' doesn't even begin to cover it!

Gah! The stuff of nightmares. I wouldn't say I'm an organised person, far from it, but after that day my preparation and final checks for any meeting, presentation, site survey or meeting did at least get a whole lot better!

Oh fucking Hell! That's a good one

Welcome home again, Cavey.

That's a magnificent story Cavey, and I'm cheered you hath returned to tell it. What I need clarification on though is this:



A nomograph?

The first time I ran a 10k, it was in London. So I very carefully packed up and drove the 200ish miles down. The day before the race I get all my gear together to realise.... I'd left my running shoes at home. Had to go out and spend £50 on another pair from the local JJChav. Could have driven home for them but it would have cost more in petrol.

Today I forgot to bring my mug to work, which only occured to me when I went and filled my kettle only to realise I had nothing to make tea in. Sadface. I'm currently wondering where on site I can get a mug from. Theft is the only option I've come up with.

Ouch Cavey!

Legend has it that the guy who founded our company had a meeting with a couple of hippy nerds who were looking for funding in return for equity in their new website, which appeared to be some sort of online jumble sale. He met them, examined the proposal and declined to invest, and then they went on to build eBay.

Hey, cheers guys

I'm afraid there are other stories too, but perhaps I'll leave them well alone

(@Gnomes - I think 'nomograph' is a rather old-fashioned term mate; I'm showing my age. Basically, it is a multiple y-axis graph that is used to select or determine a specific product or outcome by manually plotting a line between two knowns to determine an unknown geometrically; a simplified method as compared to first principles calculation. The sort of thing that's often at the back of old school technical product catalogues/selection guides; custom sliderules are another similar example. )

Good story, Cavey. You should have demonstrated the extra strong mints.

Back when you could do such a thing, I once set up a PC on a trade floor and gave it an IP of blah.blah.blah.1. Took out the whole subnet, which was nice.

Hmm can't think of anything majorly stupid I've done.

I've left my phone in my jeans that went in the wash and wrote off Mrs Z's car, that's about it.

That's a chain of events I wouldn't have put money on.

I drove at high speed into the car park of the electronics place where I used to work, jammed the handbrake on to swing the back end round ninety degrees or so and then slammed it into reverse and drove full throttle backwards into my usual spot between two other cars only to discover, by way of a sudden halt and loud crunching sound, that some dingbat had already parked there and best of all he was still sat in his car eating a butty.

Classic!

Remind me never to get in a car with markg!

He's killed lots more cars than I have.

Ha, I remember our mate Steve screaming for his life in the back of your Renault 5 when you did some doughnuts. "MARK! NOOOOOO!!!!"

This is much funnier when I hear it in my head in a Prestonian accent.

I have a moment to beat them all: "Just make sure you pull out, ok?"

You were a driving instructor?

And now you're inadvertantly knocked up?

You northerns all sound the same



Yeah, like, 13.5 years ago.