Be Excellent To Each Other

Attention!

If you happen to live in the environs of Cardiff, this evening you have the excellent opportunity to see 'The Red Shoes', a truly great film that Martin Scorcese has championed and of which has now overseen a glorious remastering. It is showing at Cineworld, at 7:30 this Wednesday, November 18th. It is potentially a once in a life time opportunity to see this wonderful film on the big screen.

So what is The Red Shoes?

It's a film revolving around a charismatic svengali who lives ballet, and who chooses a promising young composer, and a very promising young ballet dancer, to power a ballet of the Hans Anderson tale 'The Red Shoes'. This tale is about a girl who puts on a pair of bright, shiny red shoes and dances - until she dies. I shall not reveal what happens, but it is about art versus love, and passion, and dance and music. By today's standards it is occasionally hysterical, and camp. True, but it far surpasses today's standards in detail, in bravery, in sound, in choreography, in visual style, in imagination and in passion.The Red Shoes is a film that demands to be seen on the big screen as much as Apocalypse Now, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Bladerunner and Star Wars. It's a visual feast, and the eighteen minute ballet that forms the centrepiece pulls off visual trickery that is completely stunning, given the pre-CGI, pre-computer motion timing that constituted effects photography in the 1950's.

The Red Shoes is not my favourite film, but it is a Powell & Pressburger film, and therefore by dint of their skill, craft and love and their humanity, it remains in my top twenty films. If you have the opportunity to see this at Cardiff's Cineworld, I urge you to do so. Otherwise, check your local Cineworlds - and indeed other local cinema chains - as I suspect this may be part of a season. Be aware however that as in Cardiff, it seems to be a one night showing.

Thank you all. Here is a trailer - it looks a little camp, and it is - but it's fucking awesome all the same:



Here's three minutes of the centrepiece ballet that I'm loathe to show you as proof, as it is so much mightier in context and when you're keyed up.



My advice? You'd be a damn fool to have this within reach and miss it. Apologies for the short warning. The Red Shoes is so awesome it's...

Pete has gone to watch this with three very small women, one of which is my wife. And instead of watching a film about Ballet, I get to play Fallout 3 whilst my dog jumps on me. Hurrah!

Hurrah!

I'd rather watch an film about ballet (or indeed, David Duchovny reading out bad soft porn 'diaries') than have had the evening in work I've just had. Oog.

So Pete was it excellent? or Awesome beyond belief?

You lucky so and so. I'd love to see the remaster.

Incredibly, it was neither. And it was all thanks to a stupid fat fuck who sat next to me. And the auditorium was packed with a full row so I couldn't extricate myself and move somewhere else to avoid the following crimes:

Not only did the thirty something breathe in a wheezy, gasping way like some spectacled, flabby fish trying to join its brethren in the great evolutionary leap onto land only to find troublesomely that was allergic to pollen...

Not only did he shift in his seat constantly, rubbing his hands over his stubbly face and masticating his pendulum joweled chops of gormlessness...

Not only did he snort and tut like Mary Whitehouse hoovering cocaine whilst watching Channel 4 lesbians shove pineapples up each others mutuals...

Not only did he inhale with dramatic 'woah-oh!' gasps whenever sinister svengali Lemontov made a cutting remark. (Which is very, very fucking often.)

Not only did he ostentatiously chuckle like Dennis Norden self-congratulating himself whilst masturbating at an awards ceremony - yes, chuckling at completely the wrong moments, entirely missing the comedy beats and inexplicably and damningly chuckling during moments of tragedy, seriousness, passion, etc...

But he even managed to fuck up the sixteen minute ballet sequence with a spontaneous bit of twattish clapping accompanied by grunts, chuckles and an entire repertoire of cuntery just as it got to the most visually arresting and transporting minutes when she dances with the newspaper that turns into a man followed by the crashing waves and Craster* the conductor arising from the orchestra pit onto the stage only to magically turn into one of the dancers and then reappear again in the same shot back on his conductor's podium conducting still and not missing a beat while she dances off with his transformed self...

So that was a time spent during a once in a lifetime opportunity to see one of my favourite old movies on the big screen gloriously remastered ruined with the crippling dread anticipation of the next outburst from one of the biggest, stupidest, fat fucking cuntball twattish masses of lard ever to painfully shift its wheezing, protesting, unromantic bulk across the Earth.

Thanks you fat fucking fuck for letting me know so succinctly how much you were enjoying the film. Next time I meet you in the cinema I'm going to follow you home and cut your throat with a box cutter before pouring balsamic vinegar on the wound and beating your brains out with a chair leg.

I didn't say anything until Lord Rixondale's wife sitting next to me commented as the credits rolled that she'd never seen anyone so clearly filled with a silent burning hatred as myself, there and then.

That's like me when I went to see Batman 2, Damned Utd, Cloverfield and anything I ever watched in Hull.

This is why I always think twice about going to the cinema.. The past dozen or so films I've been to see have been ruined by someone in the audience!

It's not me being picky either.. it's people talking on their phones, laughing at the wrong moments, giggling at sex scenes or dropping popcorn on me as they try to sit down!

Give me a DVD any day.

Now edited for extra rage.

I guess I've been lucky in cinemas up to this point. I've never had a bad audience experience and have always had conscientious crowds. And I so, so wanted to see this on the big screen - I have the DVD. But trust me, kindly old Godfrey from Dad's Army munching on a Twix would rather have taken his twin-fingered snack based treat and rammed them into this cretin's eyeballs than put up a second time with such grotesque fidgeting.

Also, he looked like the World of Warcraft uber-nerd from that South Park episode.

I still eked out some enjoyment from the film, it looked utterly beautiful - the remaster was incredible, but ARRHGGHAGOAOGHIAGPHFUCK!

I don't go to the cinema anymore due to Other People. Sounds like most of the experiences I've had over the last 5 years. Shit ay it?

I do not go to the cinema anymore.

If I want to sit and watch someone text their mates I will get the bus. I can't enjoy a film if there is someone in front of me with the rectangular fog-light of his stupid iPhone needing to re-organise his apps or whatever he is doing throughout the entire duration of the film.

The answer to this is not to move seats, because the next person you will sit behind will also do the same thing. In fact, everyone but me seems to go to movies with the sole intention of having a bit of quality time texting other people.

Again, I love the cinema, because in Cardiff by some miracle I've never come across a bad crowd, or anyone to spoil a film.

UNTIL THIS PRECIOUS NIGHT OF NIGHTS.

Hehe, I remember that.

I don't go to the movies either, mostly because it's at least twice the price of renting a DVD and involves the faff of leaving the house. Not really got anything to say about annoying fat people or texters, sorry, just wanted to join in.

also this film sounds utter bobbins and if you like the idea of it you're probably a bummer or a bird

STILL ON RAGE-SPREE!

*THUNK! SQUDGE! STAB*

I enjoy Pete's esoterica

The bloke sitting next to Pete sounds about 800 times more interesting than the film, to be honest.

STILL RAGE

= You, when I find you.

Pete's posts have made me appreciate last year's one-night-only showing of the original Wicker Man at Cineworld all the more. I was the only person in the auditorium, which initially inspired overwhelming feelings of disgust, but which ultimately led to my enjoying easily the most splendid cinematic experience I've ever had.

I think in future I'm going to try to find out on precisely which days my local cinema stops showing films I want to see, and then see them the night before.

No problem at my local cinema as long as you don't go during school holidays. It's only a small one and the films are not brand new, but it's mostly old people so it's always nice and quiet

Ouch Pete, sorry to hear that...while happy that Pundy and Mr Albino have outed themselves as the philistines that they obviously are.

Aw Pete I'm sorry to hear that, I really enjoyed the start of this thread and was looking forward to hearing how it had been.
I think I have always been fairly lucky with cinema audiences. I don't really go to the cinema all that often and when I do it is usually a wee bit into the run of the film so the audience isn't too busy.

When I went to see Up and Shrek 3 I remember the cinema being pretty much full and obviously there being a lot of kids but that doesn't bother me because hearing the kids laugh at a film like that just makes me enjoy it even more. Jen tells me that I laugh like a kid anyway at those films and I think she'd be embarrassed if she was sitting next to me and it was only other adults around us while I was giggling gleefully at the screen.
Then there are the rare times I book tickets for a newly released film (Harry Potter ) but again I don't mind the crowd because it adds to excitement since there is always a great atmosphere of excitement and anticipation and shared enjoyment.
They are exceptions though and in general I prefer a quiet cinema if I have to go, otherwise staying at home is always the favourite option. You can't take your duvet to the cinema

that's cinema for you!

Pete, sounds like an awful experience, but was it really necessary to go on about the chap's size as much as his awful behaviour?

Fortunately the cinemas around here are usually pretty deserted at times I go to the cinema. But I do know how massively unpleasant such a thing can be. Sorry to hear it Angrypete.

No, and apologies, but I liked the alliteration.

I'm really sorry you didn't have as good a time as you were hoping Pete, I know you were looking forward to it.

There's always the next showing.

I'd rather go to the cinema a couple of weeks after a film has come out so that it's less likely to be busy. When GJ, Joans and I went to see Saw VI the other week, we probably made up half the numbers ourselves.

Not really possible with one-off showings like this though. Not unless you get there early and rip all the other seats out I guess.

My local 2 screen cinema is great it is a 1920/30's 3 screen art deco type place.

Bridgnorth Majestic part of the reel chain... I go there as every one else goes to Telford...

The seats are great and huge and leg room, my the leg room is great, plus an awesom pub opposite.

I think I am lucky I can zone out from the rable in the cinema, plus it does nto botehr me to tell folks to shut the fuck up

I should hope not. You're 9feet tall and can benchpress the philharmonic orchestra.

I am only 6'2 and only just started back on the weights

Cellular jamming devices should be built into cinemas as standard.

As they're not, I always make sure I take mine with me in my coat pocket.

I thought I was the only one who did this. Best invention ever!

How much do they cost?

And how hugely are they against the law?

Very hugely.

About £100 and very.

Can I borrow yours? And can you keep it in your pocket?

The arguments are annoying, they go "phones are annoying, block them completely" and "we can't block them, because of emergency calls being necessary."

What's wrong with a middle ground that blocks everything but 999 calls, exactly?

what's wrong with a big sign at the door saying "Don't fucking come in here if you're on call, or waiting for a call, or fancy a fucking chat with your mates. In fact, just fuck off."

Yes they are pocket sized and I have already loaned it out to someone who seems very reluctant to give it back. Wonderful device, only works for 1-15metre radius though.

People are selfish cunts?

This is why I avoid the cinema. I'm not paying £8 plus a ticket, and if you go on an Orange Wednesday the place is full of wankers.

People eating pisses me off, too, never mind that the cinema only sell the noisiest foods. Can you seriously not go for 90 minutes without stuffing your face with sweets, and do you have to leave your rubbish all over the place like a fucking toddler*?

*Grimlet aside.

I don't think the majority of people actually bother to read signs nowadays.

Go to Fact, it's £7.50 a ticket, there tend to be fewer dicks, the seats are good, you can take drinks from the bar in, and if you join you get free tickets worth the membership and get £1.50 off other tickets. And 10% off at the bar (bringing the prices down to merely 'exorbitant').

Admittedly, it's also on the wrong side of the Mersey for you.

Once again I would like to use this opportunity to inform you all of The Rex cinema in Berkhamsted, near Hemel Hempstead. It's such a fucking awesome cinema I will often go out of my way to see films there. What's so great about it, I hear you ask?

- It's an independent, and the guy that owns it is very passionate about films. Before every screening, he stands up in front of the screen and tells you if the anything interesting to be looking out for in the film you're about to watch (but he never spoils anything) and tells you about the cinema's upcoming programme. He's also brutally honest and has no problem telling you what film's he's showing because they're acebest and what films he's got on simply to bring in the punters and get some cash through the tills. Plus you can play Lady Zio's 'Erm' game, where you have to guess how many times he'll say 'erm' throughout the speech.

- The programme. Take a look at the website to see the kind of films they show there.

- Comfy chairs. All the seating throughout the cinema is the most luxurious cinema seating you'll ever find - they're all like comfy armchairs with drinks holders in the arms.

- The seating arrangements. Most of the stalls area downstairs is taken up with tables and chairs, with 2 or 3 private boxes. The upstairs balcony has normal rows of seating.

- The reason you'd want a table? The cinema has a proper bar, serving proper beers and spirits and proper food, all of which you can take in with you.

And I have never, ever had a bad audience experience there. In fact, the only bad experience I've ever had there at all is when they played 'The Big Sleep'. They'd borrowed actual preserved film reels from the BFI to show, which we were warned were missing scenes. Turns out it wasn't missing scenes at all, but had somehow been edited in the wrong order, so the film made virtually no sense. Not really the cinema's fault I suppose, but still...

It's also reasonably priced - tickets are less for The Rex than they are at Hemel's utterly appalling multiplex.

Seriously, if you ever get the chance to go there, do. You mostly need to book in advance though - most screenings sell out very quickly.

Miss Malabar has always raved about that place, but we've still never been. They sell Fentimans there, don't they?

They do. It's probably about £400 a bottle.