Be Excellent To Each Other

The missus came home from work today with a confused and amused look on her face. And then I pulled up my trousers ahhhhh. But! She done said this:



She's asked me to look into it, but it just sounds so ridiculous it can't possibly be true. Shirley?

It sounds an awful lot like the "kids bringing animals home from the zoo" myths. I've never heard this one before, but I can see how it could've developed along those lines. But, y'know, might be true. Seems a little implausible for a midget to be overpowered by a kid. I mean, the kid would have to be pretty young to believe a midget is a troll, and therefore quite small. As far as I know a midget, although small, would have muscles more akin to that of an adult than a child, Shirley?

Sounds like the LSD urban legend. Where people hopped up on goof balls lock a small guy up convinced he is a troll.

Yeah. I heard it as a triphead kidnapping a downs syndrome kid thinking he'd caught a goblin.

Did the kids mum let you out in the end Zardoz?

I've heard a different version, downs syndrome eleven year old traps 'elf' (salesman midget) in cupboard in Swansea when Mum goes to the post office. Too many similar stories for it not to be bollocks, but perhaps one version is true and where all the others came from.

Surely schools haven't returned yet?

Snopes :

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/mistaken/troll.asp

As "Legend" but there are plenty of variants - show her that and see just how much of it matches up with the 'friends' tale.

The whole point of urban legends is that they happen to "someone my friend knows", not "my fairly close relative". I.e., the story isn't verifiable and can be passed on in the same manner.

If it happened to your "fairly close relative" then you're a complete lunatic.

A normally quite sensible bloke (commercial property valuer) told me about how his brother returned a middle Eastern looking chap's wallet who then advised him to stay away from wherever it was on a certain date.

His fucking brother?

My Mum stole Shergar you know.

Urban legend. Heard variations of it on B3TA, Popbitch and countless Usenet groups going down the years.

Other urban legends include the arabic looking man in Harrods telling someone to stay away from location X on a certain day and how someone had their mortgage paid off because David Beckham wanted the venue they'd hired for their wedding.

Not forgetting, the Sean Connery, Petula Clark up the arse story.

I heard the midget story only the other week from a lady who runs the veg cafe at work. Slight variation but pretty much the same. Similarly, at least 3 people in my life time have told me the labrador asleep on the pavement/something stuck under car wheel story too.

I saw a little kid walk away from his father, who was sitting on a nearby bench, go into the Cadbury's shop and come back with a massive bag of sweets. It was hilarious, but not an urban legend. If he'd come back with a troll, I'm not sure how I'd feel.

Oh, also, at least 3 people I've met also have a friend of a friend who has crazy sex with their girlfriend with a glass eye.

Danny Baker had someone call up who, when at school in the 60's, witnessed some friends smuggling a small penguin onto the coach. The coach was on the main road before the teacher noticed and they had to go back.

Morbid curiosity is compelling me to enquire further as to this. I'm going to regret that, aren't I? So pray tell, what is so crazy about sex with a girl with a glass eye?

I'm not sure I get the humour of this 'person walks into shop and buys sweets' story, myself.

Buy? Little nipper just walked out with them. His father was very apologetic to the staff, who didn't even notice.

Moral of the story: if you want shoplifting done, hire a toddler.

I was visiting my mother's house after having finished my GCSEs when my step-sister (then 14) turned up with a MASSIVE alsatian (or German Shepherd, not sure) dog and sat nonchalantly down at the kitchen table. After my mother pulled herself together she asked a) why Emily wasn't at scholl and b) why the **** she had a massive dog with er. Emily just replied that the teachers had made her take the dog home.

My mother never (still doesn't, actually) had a phone so had to frog-march Emily through the estate to the nearest payphone where she spent ages being put through to one board or another and one teacher to the next. Finally they found he form tutor.

Emily had walked into class that morning with this massive dog, and the teacher had told her to 'take it back home', which Emily duly did. Knowing Emily, she should never had assumed that the dog had come from home, but she made that mistake.

Anyway, it turns out that Emily had been waking past a shop and saw the dog tied up, un-tied it and took it to school.

Emily had what I think are now called 'learning difficulties' but fell somewhere in the spectrum that schooling was difficult for her. She didn't get on well at a normal comprehensive such as where this happened, but the Special Schools were below here mental capabilities, so it ended up being that she went to a normal comprehensive but this type of thing would happen pretty regularly. I just happened to be there to witness it this once.

Well that's sorted then. I shall tell Teh Wiff to spit in her friend's face.

This is the one! I've heard loads of stories about kids bringing penguins home. Probably all stemmed from this.

I am going to the zoo tonight. I shall attempt to steal a penguin, for the purposes of TRUTH.

Remove glass eye, turn lights out and marvel at the girls ability to whistle while giving you a "blowjob"

Longest seven years of my life.

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May be commonplace though. If you think about it, in past times they had far less in the way of screens and health and safety. There would have been no CCTV. The penguins are tame so swiping a small one may not have been that difficult.

Someone had one away from Cotswold Wildlife park recently.

EDIT: Erm, it was Dublin Zoo

It wasn't me. I mean, I can see the penguins from work, but it wasn't me.

I've certainly seen photographic evidence of someone I know having taken one from Bristol Zoo.

I impersonate the England football squad for a living. Which is why we didn't do so well in the world cup.