Be Excellent To Each Other

I hate greetings card companies. Both my Dad and my brother have birthdays coming up in the next fortnight, so I went looking for cards. Nothing but fart gags, football, a celebration of binge drinking and/or something that was thoroughly offensive. Why is it so hard to find a card for a male relative that is none of those things?

Instead I'm just going to write them both a letter. More effort on my part, but better than an "amusing" card.

Why not just buy a blank card with an inoffensive image on the front and put your own words inside?

I tried. They don't exist (at least not at my local branch of Clintons!).

Tried your local art gallery or library? They quite often have rather nice cards with great paintings on the front, from Hopper to Lowry. Also, if there's any trendy indie clothes shops in the area try them, they frequently have non-scruffy, non-boorish yet amusing cards. I particularily like the ones of Ladybird book covers with amusing, non-crude captions or speech bubbles. For example the one of the hideous old crone cutting Rapunzel's hair whilst saying, "Going anywhere nice on your holidays?"

Another place is Oxfam, they have nice cards sometimes.

I feel your horror and pain and anger at the sheer lack of decent humour cards for chaps, though. Clinton's is cock-awful, I've never liked the sort of fart/booze/innuendo cards, and always feel slightly depressed when I get one for my birthday. What's worse is that women's cards are inconceivably slowly turning that way too. In an industry whose sole job is to put something amusing, memorable and possibly slightly touching on front of a piece of ludicrously expensive folded card they're remarkably block-headed, shit-for-souled, crude and lazy emotional-retards.

Clinton are overpriced anyway. Even a supermarket will have a better range but I've very rarely been let down by The Card Factory.

Moonpig.com - you can make your own offensive and specific gags up and use photoshop to really personalise your abuse.

Any they are pretty reasonably priced as well.

If you don't have a local art gallery and your library is as rubbish as mine then you can pick up a few nice art cards in most branches of Waterstones.

Alternatively, marry someone who is a fantastic artist and makes amazing cards. Worked for me!

That very much surprises me. I never buy cards with words on the front or inside, and Clintons usually have a really good range.

You sound just like Monica Lewinski.