Be Excellent To Each Other

Here is how I imagine the design process for Ninja Blade went down. First, the development team sat down an 11 year-old boy and gave him many, many caffeinated beverages. Then they had him describe, in detail, what exactly it is that a ninja does. This was filtered through the ground-up remains of Ninja Gaiden, and the unholy mess of the game came out the other side.

That's not to say the game is bad, and it's certainly not nearly as terrible as its demo would lead one to believe. The only way to really describe the game would be to use bro-slang the likes of which haven't been heard outside of an advertisement for Axe body spray. Ninja Blade is wicked. It is, in fact, bitchin'.

Imagine asking that aforementioned 11 year-old what a ninja does when he skydives. You would be told that ninjas don't need parachutes, ninjas simply fall, slicing enemies in two all the way down, before landing exactly where they intended. What happens when you shoot a missile at a ninja? Why, the ninja rides that missile like a surfboard. There is no problem that can't be solved with ridiculously over-the-top action choreography that ends with something getting sliced in half. Japanese and English are used completely interchangeably. The story makes absolutely no sense, but it doesn't really need to. You are fighting evil. You are a ninja.

Keep in mind that these action sequences are broken up by quick-time events, an evil we've railed against in the past. The events seem to work a little better here, though, simply because they are taken to their screaming, XTreme, do-the-Dew, natural conclusion. I would think the development team was having a laugh at our expense if the game didn't keep such a straight face. I can't honestly tell if this is satire or if I'm simply overthinking it, but one of the first new outfits you can unlock is a pin-striped ninja suit.

Between these epic boss fights are generic sequences of hack-and-slash action where you destroy the expected baddies, upgrade your swords by collecting different-colored orbs, and throw your giant upgradable ninja star to put out, or, later, set fires. Yes, this is a game in which you can attack fire with your ninja skill. The graphics have their moments, but they still fall mostly on the side of mediocrity, with a side order of gall. The first time you grab a turret, you're on a moving helicopter and there's a giant worm straight out of Dune chasing you. No one will ever say that the game lacks scope.

The levels are also broken up by chase elements in which you either run towards or away from a person or enemy. These aren't difficult—although in the sections where you run towards the screen, the effect can be rather unnerving—and they do a decent job of breaking up the action. Using your special "ninja vision" allows you to see exactly where you need to go, although when the power wears off, it covers the screen with a water-like effect that effectively blinds you.

The gameplay is way too derivative to justify the $60 price point, but just like renting a movie that's so bad it's good, there is a certain mood that lends itself perfectly to Ninja Blade. Invite a few friends over, watch a few badly dubbed Wire-Fu films, and give this a few hours. You'll be glad you did. If you see it in the bargain bin for $20 or so in the coming weeks, I promise to look the other way if you grab it.

From Software's quirky catalogue and uneven technical execution is an incredible candidate for study. They make games that people either adore or truly despise, and they try weird crap that probably seemed cool at the time, but their failures are (at a root level) deeply earnest. Ninja Blade is the perfect example of the form, and it hasn't been especially well received, but if we're buying into the B game thesis it wouldn't be.

Every part of the product is at least acceptable, except for those places it excels - but the extent of its excellence has been hotly contested. If you don't like "Quick-Time Events" (which have gone dreadfully out of fashion) it's likely you won't feel its subliminal rhythms. The QTE mechanism is the systemic equivalent of a reach-around, here: they exist to provide nominal stimulation while something else is occurring. That "something else" in question is the ridiculously exuberant cutscenes, dense with some of the most resplendent directorial overreach anywhere. In terms of raw amusement, I'd put them up against any other game this generation. Even if the game doesn't sell through, I think Ninja Blade will become known in our circles as a legendary rental.

Those looking for further evidence for the B phenomenon need not look far. When you jump and hold right trigger plus X, your character can surf through foes on a demonic broadsword. I probably should have just started there, and been done with it.

Hated the demo. Hated hated hated hated it.

It would have to change basically everything from the demo to the full game for me to be interested.

Dude, he rides missiles and surfs on swords and puts out fires with a ninja star.

Or does he "Press A"?

Does he?

Or does he "Press A"?

It would have to change basically everything from the demo to the full game for me to be interested.

From Software made the Otogi games - that fact alone means any of their other output must be worth a go.