Be Excellent To Each Other

...

Not bad. A disgraceful lack of black pudding, and your beans can fuck off in favour of the mushrooms, but otherwise it'll do.

I have outlined a gentleman's breakfast, not a pauper's.

I would accept the introduction of some small haggis balls, though, were one to be entertaning one's second best friends.

Balls? Why would your haggis be balls?

Black pudding is for plebs. White pudding is where it is located.

Good lord - have you never had breakfast in Scotland? The fried breakfast north of the border is served with some delightful mini-haggises (haggi?), rather than slices of a full size one.

I've had breakfast in Scotland many times. I've never had haggis balls, always slices. Were you in a Little Chef?

Great post, Mr Chris, but surely the correct way is to just instruct your butler accordingly. He will do the rest.

Your beans are served cold from the can (where in fact they should stay, but I'm a mushrooms and tomatoes man, I'm afraid) by your (delightful) recipe. Likewise toast is magicked from the very ae*ther.

Finally, sir seems to have forgotten the fried black pudding. And the fried bread.

Friedfriedfriedfried.

* Imagine I figured out how to do that funny mashed-together thing.

A gentleman would know it is called a typographic ligature. You require the character 'æ' in this case.

I remember how to do Æ (alt+0198), as I was a big Tool fan when I was younger. One of their albums is called 'Ænima'.

/magicalstory

My good lord, so I have. I have edited in the appropriate instructions. How remiss of me! My heartfelt thanks for pointing out my omission.



Ah, step 10 there. Toast is an assistant's job.



I have already addressed the regrettable issue of black pudding earlier in this very thread, in response to the worrying suggestion from Craster that it should be included.


Whilst I do have time for fried bread when I have a great and powerful need for the immediate consumption of vast quantities of grease, I find that toast, being more absorbant and more easily sliced, makes for a better vehicle for the remainder of the foodstuffs on the plate. The correct procedure is to slice off a small piece of the toast and egg, and then top the forkful with some of the helpfully placed beans and meat products.

Someone's told him the story of the wild hairy haggis running round the mountains, and the haggis hunters running the other way.
Only foreigns are daft enough rich enough to buy a haggis' balls.

A five star hotel in Edinburgh, as it happens.

I put it to you that you did not write the original, however.

This is entirely true, of course. Great artists steal shamelessly. However, only plebians of the first water point that out.

My previous sig quote was, of course, "'Good artists copy. Great artists steal.' --Me".

You see? Proof positive!

Ah, well there you go then. 5* hotels are pretty much guaranteed to have shitty breakfasts. Fantastic dinner, shitty breakfast.

Perhaps in the five star hotels you frequent, sir, but not mine.

They gave you balls of haggis, man!

And delightful they were too. I also had a similarly presented haggis at a very pleasant little restaurant.

It's evolution.

Haggis >>> Haggis Balls
Chicken Kievs >>> Mini Kievs
Apple Mac >>> Mac Mini
T-Rex >>> Grim...

Full English for two:

Scratch balls for 2 minutes, then wash hands.

8 strips of grilled smoked bacon.
4 good quality sausages or 2 Cumberland rings. Grilled.
1 tin of Heinz beans. Heated not boiled.
1 tin of peeled plum tomatoes. Heated not boiled.
Half pack of chestnut mushrooms fried in butter and black pepper.
2 eggs fried.
Toast - as many slices as necessary to eat with the breakfast and mop up all juices.

2 Big mugs of tea
2 glasses of orange juice (not from concentrate)

My hungover breakfast of champions is:
Frosties, just opened
Blue-topped milk, also just opened, and just in from outside if it's winter so it's obscenely cold
Stewed apple
Place Frosties in bowl, put on some stewed apple, throw on some milk (don't shake it first, you wierdo).
Eat. As I believe they say in France: Om nom nom.

They actually say "Get to fucking fuck".

That's only a recipe for one there.

You haven't seen the size of my ring though.

Hah. Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson has a most amusing three-page description of the lead character eating Cap'n Crunch with a geeky level of detail. One of the important parameters is that he must use the tiny little milk cartons that you get for coffee from the very back of the fridge, so that each mouthful is as cold as possible; ideally it should be so cold that it freezes if you squeeze the carton too hard.

Having grown up buying non-homegenised milk from the milkman, I can't stop myself doing this now.

Win.

Beans and tinned tomatoes? Can I have a wire rack to keep the rest of my breakfast out of the congealing puddle of goo?

The juices on the plate from a breakfast should be meat fat. You can trust my advice on this, for I am a fat man, and therefore learned in the ways of food.

Quality over quantity, Craster.

Piffle.

The trick is to scoop out the tomatoes with some juice not all the juice.

Don't forget that the toast is your ally in the battle of slop. And you will ALWAYS win.

Yeah, don't forget to drain your beans as well.

TINNED tomatoes? Wrongitty wrong!

You want fresh tomatoes, halved and grilled.

And some fried left-over mashed potato.

Grilled tomatoes make me heave.

I have not the words.

Yes, that stuff is gorgeous when everso slightly burnt.

No sweet and juicy, awesome for cutting through the lovely meat fats.


Yes, I often have both.


WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!!!

This can be incorporated into an extended ball scratch pre cook warmup.

We all agree on bacon, egg and sausage (although no-one has yet mentioned scrambled eggs, which I am partial to on occasion. The loss of the perfect liquid yolk of the fried egg is a sore blow, but fried egg white is frankly boring to eat, and the fluffy texture of the eggs is very pleasing combined with meat.)

But the dissention is telling. Haggis? Beans? Tinned tomato? Grilled tomato? Mushrooms? What are you all, rank amateurs? If you are designing the breakfast of champions the answer is all of the above!

You're doing it wrong, the white should be caramelised and crispy, and the yolk firm.

Scrambled eggs are great but I find they go cold very quickly. Is this down to a greater surface area Doc? Can something be done about it?

Get a grip man, it's the same principle as a hash brown.

Scrambled eggs have to be done right - pan warm enough to keep (real) butter just melted, then break eggs directly into the pan and gently stirred with a wooden spoon occasionally, enough to get it cooked through evenly to the point there's no evil gelatinous goo remaining.

It takes several minutes but by fuckity they're good - unbelievably soft and creamy.

Warm your plate in the oven.

Englishmen are disagreeable to everything. Leave 'em then, I'll eat 'em.