Be Excellent To Each Other :: View topic

MetalAngel wrote:

Zardoz, relate some of your Tales of Intense Dodginess^TM to convince our friend that having sex with horrific wounds is in fact highly erotic.

Oh yeah, I meant to ask because I never heard it in full. What is the bacon story?

An ex work colleagues wife was a district nurse and had to dissuade a gay gentleman to stop fucking his partners colostomy bag hole as it was constantly getting infected and she would have to mop up and redress the area. His colostomy was required from over bumming in the first place.

she then kissed me and made me swap phone numbers with her, then started whispering filthy things in my ear. Then we went onto a different club together.

Then we went onto a different club together.

Brilliant. Someone opens their life up to us for advice, and within 15 posts we're already back to Craster and the badgers.

Man found dead with bacon tied to string in his gullet. Turned out this was a device to make him choke and contract his anus tighter for his lover, except this time he died.

Seriously.. you've clearly got it on with someone. Why, why, why did you carry on with the ridiculous club charade, when you'd both already got the object of going clubbing in front of you?

Ooh, are they touring again?

Ah, yes. "Wolfbagging", as they say in the trade. The trade being "coming up with really terrible names for rubbish and stupid sexual practices".

Pearl and Dean necklace, anyone?

I'll tell you what, I had a "lust at first site" moment the other week.

Waiting at a bus stop, there was this girl (late 20s I'd say) and she was the most attractive looking thing I've ever seen, her outfit was very revelaing, and she then gets on to the same bus as me, and sits about 3 or 4 seats in front of me. She then precedes to eat an apple and some sort of cheese sandwhich at the same time (this was at about 08:30), I just found it all increadibly sexy.

Dimrill wrote:

Man found dead with bacon tied to string in his gullet. Turned out this was a device to make him choke and contract his anus tighter for his lover, except this time he died.

FFS is an asshole not tight enough already? what was his lover's name, Justin?

Jesus.

Malc wrote:

I don't care how attractive she was - apple and cheese is a disgusting sandwich filling.

***

I fall in lust pretty much every day. I'm disappointed if I don't.

If I close my eyes and I can picture her still.

He was found in the alleyway behind Argos (Blackpool) in a van.

I think that was part of the attraction, she'd take a bite out of the apple, followed by a couple of bites of her sandwich, all the while sitting by the window with her feet up on the bit that stops you falling down the stairs, showing of her legs (enclosed in hot pants under a mini skirt).

If I close my eyes and I can picture her still.

Malc

Malc wrote:

Now imagine her eating an egg.

At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash.

Yeah, it wasn't my idea. It seemed a little odd to me that she didn't want to go straight back to hers.

Zardoz wrote:

At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash.

Ah, like throwing a sausage up the London Underground.

So Justin may have had a small organ but just wasn't used to playing it in a cathedral.

I is see.

I like "chuff like a wizards sleeve".

Only slightly? Like a judge's sleeve, then?

Author:	Dimrill [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:39 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Out of my way! I'm a nosey person!

Author:	Zardoz [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:53 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Sir Taxalot wrote: MetalAngel wrote: Zardoz, relate some of your Tales of Intense Dodginess^TM to convince our friend that having sex with horrific wounds is in fact highly erotic. Oh yeah, I meant to ask because I never heard it in full. What is the bacon story? My good friend Perkies is hinting at me retelling the tale of the colostomy gash. ZOMG Spoiler! Click here to view! An ex work colleagues wife was a district nurse and had to dissuade a gay gentleman to stop fucking his partners colostomy bag hole as it was constantly getting infected and she would have to mop up and redress the area. His colostomy was required from over bumming in the first place.

Author:	Dimrill [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:55 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
I also have the two tales of The Strange Smelling Vomit and The Trout.

Author:	kalmar [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:55 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
I'm going to be sick.

Author:	Zardoz [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:56 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Hit it Dimrill. I'll follow on with the 'not my turd, disposal' yarn.

Be Excellent To Each Other https://www.beexcellenttoeachother.com/forum/

Give me abuse https://www.beexcellenttoeachother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3203	Page 3 of 3

Author:	Dimrill [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:57 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
For these songs, and more, tune in to Burnout Paradise nights only on BETEO.

Author:	Mr Dave [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 16:58 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
It's like playing Burnout paradise, but without Dimrills plank.

Author:	metalangel [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 17:05 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
I'd forgotten about The Trout.

Author:	Sir Taxalot [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 18:13 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
I do remember the colostomy gash story, probably from a forza night. It was a good one. Nasty, but funny

Author:	sinister agent [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 18:28 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
LewieP wrote: she then kissed me and made me swap phone numbers with her, then started whispering filthy things in my ear. Then we went onto a different club together. Quote: Then we went onto a different club together. Quote: Then we went onto a different club together. There was a staggering error on the part of both of you, that was the root cause of the problem. I merely draw attention to it. Seriously.. you've clearly got it on with someone. Why, why, why did you carry on with the ridiculous club charade, when you'd both already got the object of going clubbing in front of you? Tut. Mr Chris wrote: Brilliant. Someone opens their life up to us for advice, and within 15 posts we're already back to Craster and the badgers. Ooh, are they touring again? Dimrill wrote: Man found dead with bacon tied to string in his gullet. Turned out this was a device to make him choke and contract his anus tighter for his lover, except this time he died. Ah, yes. "Wolfbagging", as they say in the trade. The trade being "coming up with really terrible names for rubbish and stupid sexual practices". Anyway. The problem the OP has isn't fancying the new woman, or fancying anyone. It's being unable to cope with what's happened to his girlfriend. Deal with that. That is the issue. Deal with it, either by talking to friends, her, counsellors or some combination of the three, and all else will follow. I'm not having a go here, incidentally. We've all been tempted, and anyone who hasn't is either a liar, severely deluded or a pod person bent on exterminating humankind. As Craster said, beating yourself up for thoughtcrime will do nobody any good.

Author:	LewieP [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 18:50 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Yeah, it wasn't my idea. It seemed a little odd to me that she didn't want to go straight back to hers.

Author:	JohnCoffey [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 18:52 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Dimrill wrote: Man found dead with bacon tied to string in his gullet. Turned out this was a device to make him choke and contract his anus tighter for his lover, except this time he died. FFS is an asshole not tight enough already? what was his lover's name, Justin? Jesus.

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 18:58 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Nah, probably Justin.

Author:	metalangel [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 19:01 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
sinister agent wrote: Seriously.. you've clearly got it on with someone. Why, why, why did you carry on with the ridiculous club charade, when you'd both already got the object of going clubbing in front of you? So you can smugly climb into their mouth and lick their tonsils and make everyone else jealous? Because that is part of the fun, I thought. Quote: Ooh, are they touring again? Wait until you see the opening act, it's some sort of mouse organ. Quote: Ah, yes. "Wolfbagging", as they say in the trade. The trade being "coming up with really terrible names for rubbish and stupid sexual practices". Pearl and Dean necklace, anyone?

Author:	End of an Era [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 22:22 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
@Naysayer2000 I think you really need to have a conversation with your girlfriend. When people get ill it's not just emotionally draining on them, but also on the people who love and care for them. People who get ill can get very selfish and demanding, at which point the relationship breaks down because the other party can't just keep giving and giving without feeling that there's something in return. In your case this is a loving sexual relationship: you have needs and it's unfair of her to not recognise these. However, boffing this girl at work is not a good idea. It will be about as satisfying as a wank whilst watching porn. You're needs, what you're missing, isn't going to be fulfilled by wanking into the next available vagina. Also it will throw your life into chaos, your private life and your work life will merge into one, there'll be rumours and stories at work, whispers you're not a party to, you'll go home feeling like shite unable to look your girlfriend in the eye - your life will be miserable. Have that conversdation with your girlfriend. Express what you want out of the relationship. Your thought that you don't find her sexually attractive anymore, unless she's horribly disfigured, which can happen - acid in the face, bomb blast etc., is probably based more on the fact that she's not currently showing any signs of interest in you. We're, all of us, stupid creatures us homo-sapiens: we have the tool of language available to us that no other creature on Earth has* and yet our first instinct is always to react biologically to any given problem. *I'm sure there's a bunch of lefty science on the complexity of whale song or chimp farts, but show me the dictionary!

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 22:30 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Not sure whether the original poster is still reading, but I would like to stress I am not being flippant here. Have you tried prostitutes. Socially acceptable or not they provide a vital service to people in many sorts of predicaments.

Author:	DavPaz [ Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:25 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Speaking of blasts from the past, whatever happened here?

Author:	DavPaz [ Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:07 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
"Coming up next: Dimrill's Story Time. This week, your cuddly host reads 'The Tale of the Trout and The Spoon'. Next week, you can look forward to 'Round the back of Argos, like a teddy, bare'

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 19:05 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
MetalAngel wrote: Pearl and Dean necklace, anyone? Err, I can't tonight I'm washing my hair.

Author:	throughsilver [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 19:13 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Malc wrote: I'll tell you what, I had a "lust at first site" moment the other week. Waiting at a bus stop, there was this girl (late 20s I'd say) and she was the most attractive looking thing I've ever seen, her outfit was very revelaing, and she then gets on to the same bus as me, and sits about 3 or 4 seats in front of me. She then precedes to eat an apple and some sort of cheese sandwhich at the same time (this was at about 08:30), I just found it all increadibly sexy. I don't care how attractive she was - apple and cheese is a disgusting sandwich filling. *** I fall in lust pretty much every day. I'm disappointed if I don't.

Author:	Zardoz [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 19:29 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
JohnCoffey wrote: Dimrill wrote: Man found dead with bacon tied to string in his gullet. Turned out this was a device to make him choke and contract his anus tighter for his lover, except this time he died. FFS is an asshole not tight enough already? what was his lover's name, Justin? Jesus. At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash.

Author:	Dimrill [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 19:30 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Police described his rear end as "tattered".

Author:	Malc [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 21:10 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
throughsilver wrote: Malc wrote: I'll tell you what, I had a "lust at first site" moment the other week. Waiting at a bus stop, there was this girl (late 20s I'd say) and she was the most attractive looking thing I've ever seen, her outfit was very revelaing, and she then gets on to the same bus as me, and sits about 3 or 4 seats in front of me. She then precedes to eat an apple and some sort of cheese sandwhich at the same time (this was at about 08:30), I just found it all increadibly sexy. I don't care how attractive she was - apple and cheese is a disgusting sandwich filling. *** I fall in lust pretty much every day. I'm disappointed if I don't. I think that was part of the attraction, she'd take a bite out of the apple, followed by a couple of bites of her sandwich, all the while sitting by the window with her feet up on the bit that stops you falling down the stairs, showing of her legs (enclosed in hot pants under a mini skirt). If I close my eyes and I can picture her still. Malc

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 21:15 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Ploughmen all over the country are giving you nasty looks throughsilver. Malc: They are winking at you sexily while sniffing an apple and licking a wedge of mature farmhouse chedder.

Author:	metalangel [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 21:31 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Malc wrote: If I close my eyes and I can picture her still. (above) the girl (below) her still

Author:	kalmar [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 22:29 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Zardoz wrote: He was found in the alleyway behind Argos (Blackpool) in a van. It's genuinely these details which make the story, for me. Also. Burny P is well worth the money.

Author:	Malabelm [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 22:54 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Malc wrote: I think that was part of the attraction, she'd take a bite out of the apple, followed by a couple of bites of her sandwich, all the while sitting by the window with her feet up on the bit that stops you falling down the stairs, showing of her legs (enclosed in hot pants under a mini skirt). If I close my eyes and I can picture her still. Malc Now imagine her eating an egg.

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 22:57 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Then imagine her wanking a leopard.

Author:	Malc [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 23:12 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Malabar Front wrote: Malc wrote: I think that was part of the attraction, she'd take a bite out of the apple, followed by a couple of bites of her sandwich, all the while sitting by the window with her feet up on the bit that stops you falling down the stairs, showing of her legs (enclosed in hot pants under a mini skirt). If I close my eyes and I can picture her still. Malc Now imagine her eating an egg. Oh My! Malc

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Thu Aug 06, 2009 23:37 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
.......now imagine her wanking a leopard......... Unless you are done of course. Then you can save that one for a "special" occasion.

Author:	JohnCoffey [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 0:45 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Zardoz wrote: At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash. Ah, like throwing a sausage up the London Underground. So Justin may have had a small organ but just wasn't used to playing it in a cathedral. I is see.

Author:	DBSnappa [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:22 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
LewieP wrote: Yeah, it wasn't my idea. It seemed a little odd to me that she didn't want to go straight back to hers. She was 15. Her father would beat you up and the police would come a calling for statutory rape...

Author:	DBSnappa [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:23 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
JohnCoffey wrote: Zardoz wrote: At that stage, probably not. I imagine he was probably 5 wolfbaggings off a colostomy gash. Ah, like throwing a sausage up the London Underground. So Justin may have had a small organ but just wasn't used to playing it in a cathedral. I is see. Waving your arm around in a warm room was always my favourite analogy.

Author:	IFeelAsleep [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:31 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
I like "chuff like a wizards sleeve".

Author:	Malc [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:43 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
IFeelAsleep wrote: I like "chuff like a wizards sleeve". I prefer them slightly tighter than that... Malc

Author:	myp [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:47 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Only slightly? Like a judge's sleeve, then?

Author:	Malc [ Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:56 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
myp wrote: Only slightly? Like a judge's sleeve, then? I was using the great British tradition of under statement! Malc

Author:	Sir Taxalot [ Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:29 ]
Post subject:	Re: Give me abuse
Ah, yes, good point DavPaz. I never did hear about The Strange Smelling Vomit and The Trout.