I feel your pain. For years, with a variety of gas/elektrik suppliers, I my balance has gone up and down like a bride's nighty and I've ended up either in debt in the spring, and having my payments racked up, or with a ton of credit and getting a refund. In the end I calculated my consumption for eight quarters, allowed a bit for inflation, and then mailed them once I'd got my account pretty much at zero balance to tell them how much I should pay and to stop changing my DD as it evened out over the year. Generally that's worked well, although they still try to reduce the amount from time to time, but I keep heading them off before they actually make the change.

The whole fucking point is to even out the payments and keep things predictable, but I don't know if it's the eejits in their offices, or their Micky Mouse software, but every now and again they try to fart around with my payments even now.

Be strong. Make them do what YOU want.

Oh, FFS, the lights are on motion detectors. The motion detector is around the corner from where I am. Every 10 minutes, I'm plunged into gloom. More so than usual.

Move around the corner.

I'm thinking office chair jousting with the accounts girl.

If I'd worked there all the time I think I'd have invested in one of those head torches. Then I'd have been able to read the paper and not bump into the stall door in the dark.

Or invent something on a stick I could wave over the door from a seated position.

Yes, but you'd need "invent" something that will stick to a stick, and is at body temperature, to activate the sensor. It is an impossible task.

If she hears a camera clicking, just say it wasn't you.

If she hears a camera clicking, just say it wasn't you.

I turned the shutter sound off on my phone ages back.

I was thinking cibrushsille on a stick myself.

Surely he wouldn't need a stick if he had a cibrushille?

You really don't want to grab them by their tails. Vicious little critters, them cibrushsilles.

You've finally found a use for that robotic hamster you got for Christmas.

It met with a small accident.

Not enough lube?

Zu Zu pet? I'm guessing it met with a hammer.

I have about 5 of them in my house, the batteries in them last forever......

I am in Nando's! It's not in Liverpool though.

Oh, FFS, the lights are on motion detectors. The motion detector is around the corner from where I am. Every 10 minutes, I'm plunged into gloom. More so than usual.

Are you going to leave a tip?

Yeah tipping in Nando's isn't the "done thing". I don't really know how you'd even do it, seeing as you pay before you get your meal, and nobody brings a bill/little tipping tray over at the end.

WHAT DID YOU GET, GAYWOOD? Tell me it was extra hot!

I did in York, when we went only because we ordered extra drinks so they did come with a bill

Aha! So that's the trick! I didn't even realise you could do that - I usually head over to the bar for extra Brahma...

A couple from Largs in Ayrshire have been named as the winners of the £161m Euromillions jackpot. Oh dear, they've made their first mistake.

That man has sex with that woman.

I don't get why you'd make your winnings public in that situation? Aren't you just inviting a load of begging letters and moochers? I'd keep it bloody quiet.

I don't get why you'd make your winnings public in that situation? Aren't you just inviting a load of begging letters and moochers? I'd keep it bloody quiet.

I don't get why you'd make your winnings public in that situation? Aren't you just inviting a load of begging letters and moochers? I'd keep it bloody quiet.

Both dead in a year.

Mark my words.