I get one hundred billion meg a second and strap it to my forehead while garotting Rodafowa with my floppy cock shaft and having the biggest shit in the world.

Any of you guys 'Lord Scotland' on Xbawks?

Oops, can you add my xbox id please - lordscotland (look around you reference, not scottish, i'm afraid) as i didn't have a lot of joy with the friend list importer.

A Chinese zoo accidentally killed one of its giant pandas after a faulty ventilation system pumped toxic gas into its enclosure.

Welcome to 2003, MaliA:

Frustratingly, all the recipes for making grits consists of "boil water, add packet to water, wait".

Can someone explain this website to me, I just can't comprehend the pricing.
http://www.osoo.co.uk/

I think Bik is a fairly regular WoCcer, isn't he? I could be making that up

Nice splitting, Kalmar

Check out Mr Ali's business card... a friend had this pushed through his door recently.

Maybe he could sort out WogansTrouserBulges Xbox live problem?

I have recently decided to give contact lenses another go. Last Saturday however, the one in my left eye started to get really, really sore, so I eventually had to admit defeat and take the bugger out. It's been fine ever since, except today, where it's really sore again. Obviously I've taken the lens out now, but it's still hurting like a bastard, I can barely keep the eye open and I have tears running down my face.

Maybe it's time to accept that the universe wants me to be a speccy four-eyes?

Why the fuck have I got the theme from 'Falcon Crest' running through my brain?

Fortunately, I can't remember the theme from Falcon Crest, otherwise I'm sure I'd have it running through my head now as well.

5 years ago today

Horrible event. I had to walk home from town. And then spent the rest of the night in the local pub being fed free alcohol and food by the council as it 'hit' my street, although the worst damage anyone in our street suffered was a bent aerial. However my friend who lived a couple of streets away was in the shower when the bathroom window, and nearly everything in the bathroom was sucked out.

Also, a month or so later, having gone to see Mr Scruff at the custard factory and taking a lot of (paracetemol - legal ed) we got dropped by the taxi at a friends house at 6am, but they weren't in. Walked through the backstreets at daybreak in a somewhat confused state, having forgotten all about what had happened a few weeks earlier, and being exceptionally confused by all the half destroyed buildings. Closest I'll ever get to feeling like it was '28 days later'.

I've lived in MaliTowers for 5 years today. Three more than I wanted, but hey, who's counting?

Another three hours done in the garden. Filled up half the brown bin and planted more flowers.

Why plant plants if your not staying?

Did you shufty up your hostas btw?

Why on earth move into somewhere and think "I only want to live here for 2 years." instead of making it Home, smearing your fæces over the walls and howling on the roof?

Zardoz in a blond wig The Ferrari can wait.

Shane Carruth, writer and director of the lo-fi scifi flick Primer, has uploaded the entire film to Google Video so you can watch it for free. If you liked the time-twists of Inception, you'll love Primer - it's even crazier.

Carruth wrote, directed and starred in this understated, weird movie that came out in 2004. It's the most realistic depiction of time travel you're ever likely to see, and it leads to a temporal paradox that gets more interesting the more you think about it.